Somewhat Damaged
I'm such a wreck right now. I really have to make my decision in the next couple days as to whether I'm returning home or not.
Every single day I wake up and want to be back in NM, and as I walk to work I think more and more about it until I get there, completely convinced that I'm ready to get out of this city. And then throughout my day, I become more and more depressed at the idea of leaving, as I feel like I haven't really accomplished what I wanted here. And so by the evening, I've decided to stay, and then of course the pattern repeats.
I work full time at Barnes and Noble, and while I don't love it, it's not an awful job, and I like my coworkers. In order to stay here, I'll have to continue working full time. Also, if I stay here, I'll be enrolling in 3 classes at a community college. I'll be busy all the time, and basically barely making ends meet. So life will be very difficult, and I'm sure fairly lonely. But there will be the possibility of adventure, and figuring things out in my head. I think I might be able to get a better grasp on who I am.
If I go home, I'll be working at Flying Star again, I'm sure, and I won't be able to go to CNM until spring, as I'll arrive a few days after the semester starts. I'll be making more money, and my rent will be cheaper, but I'll have to get a car again, which presents new difficulties. Finances will basically be even.
If I stay here, it might just be for a year, and I might decide that my friends and family in NM are more important to me than whatever I've developed here. I feel like this is the right decision, because it gives me time to see how I view the city on my own (the fact that Bryan is leaving would be important to mention here). But I also feel it will put a distance of 2.5 years between myself and those people, and while I've never worried about family, because they're always there in one's life, friends drift apart. Hell, in a year and a half of living here I've gone down to keeping in active contact with 1 person and occasionally contact with like 3 others. What will happen in another year?
I hate that I dropped out of school a few years back because now I have to support myself first, and get my education second, which leaves me unable to afford to go home, ever really. If I stay here, I'll be back at Christmas as the earliest, and MAYBE I'll be able to live next summer in NM, but that would require a huge change in finances.
I'm so stressed over my decision that my stomach hurts all the time. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears every single day, all day. I started crying to my boss when I put in my notice a few days ago ( as soon as I got to work and had that morning decided to leave), and almost did again the next day when I took my notice back out.
She (my boss) told me to follow my heart. But how can I possibly do that if I have no idea what my heart wants? I'm so used to always knowing deep down what I truly want. I've always been able to look at two options and know which one feels best, even if it isn't the one I go with. Right now, I honestly have no idea how I feel. It's all a big convoluted mess, and that makes me feel so lost it's overwhelming.
The fact that Bryan and I are breaking up makes everything worse, of course, because I keep wondering how much of my decision is being made by that. We're happy together at times, and things are in a good place right now, but we both know that we need some time to ourselves to figure life out. That makes it so much more tragic to lose him, but if I was in NM I could at least still see him occasionally, while if I stay here I'll probably not for a very long time.
So what to do? I know I'll feel better when I decide, but I keep deciding, and changing my mind.
Every single day I wake up and want to be back in NM, and as I walk to work I think more and more about it until I get there, completely convinced that I'm ready to get out of this city. And then throughout my day, I become more and more depressed at the idea of leaving, as I feel like I haven't really accomplished what I wanted here. And so by the evening, I've decided to stay, and then of course the pattern repeats.
I work full time at Barnes and Noble, and while I don't love it, it's not an awful job, and I like my coworkers. In order to stay here, I'll have to continue working full time. Also, if I stay here, I'll be enrolling in 3 classes at a community college. I'll be busy all the time, and basically barely making ends meet. So life will be very difficult, and I'm sure fairly lonely. But there will be the possibility of adventure, and figuring things out in my head. I think I might be able to get a better grasp on who I am.
If I go home, I'll be working at Flying Star again, I'm sure, and I won't be able to go to CNM until spring, as I'll arrive a few days after the semester starts. I'll be making more money, and my rent will be cheaper, but I'll have to get a car again, which presents new difficulties. Finances will basically be even.
If I stay here, it might just be for a year, and I might decide that my friends and family in NM are more important to me than whatever I've developed here. I feel like this is the right decision, because it gives me time to see how I view the city on my own (the fact that Bryan is leaving would be important to mention here). But I also feel it will put a distance of 2.5 years between myself and those people, and while I've never worried about family, because they're always there in one's life, friends drift apart. Hell, in a year and a half of living here I've gone down to keeping in active contact with 1 person and occasionally contact with like 3 others. What will happen in another year?
I hate that I dropped out of school a few years back because now I have to support myself first, and get my education second, which leaves me unable to afford to go home, ever really. If I stay here, I'll be back at Christmas as the earliest, and MAYBE I'll be able to live next summer in NM, but that would require a huge change in finances.
I'm so stressed over my decision that my stomach hurts all the time. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears every single day, all day. I started crying to my boss when I put in my notice a few days ago ( as soon as I got to work and had that morning decided to leave), and almost did again the next day when I took my notice back out.
She (my boss) told me to follow my heart. But how can I possibly do that if I have no idea what my heart wants? I'm so used to always knowing deep down what I truly want. I've always been able to look at two options and know which one feels best, even if it isn't the one I go with. Right now, I honestly have no idea how I feel. It's all a big convoluted mess, and that makes me feel so lost it's overwhelming.
The fact that Bryan and I are breaking up makes everything worse, of course, because I keep wondering how much of my decision is being made by that. We're happy together at times, and things are in a good place right now, but we both know that we need some time to ourselves to figure life out. That makes it so much more tragic to lose him, but if I was in NM I could at least still see him occasionally, while if I stay here I'll probably not for a very long time.
So what to do? I know I'll feel better when I decide, but I keep deciding, and changing my mind.