Homesickness
It always seems like I change my mind about my choices in life shortly after having made them. I do not regret moving to Chicago, but being here (and being so far from my friends of so long) has made me regret not seeing most of my friends for the last year that I was home in New Mexico.
After high school drama at AHS, which I honestly take to be a profound part of who I have become, I felt like I had the closest friends I had ever had. It seems like now I am recognizing that they will probably be the closest friends I ever will have, in the first place. Each of us has gone on and done crazy things, and all of our lives have changed, but it seems like a great majority of the people from that department are still in Abq, and still growing up together. In some ways, I feel like I've disconnected myself from most of them, which makes me somewhat sad. I've made so many crazy decisions myself, all for the sake of me, and yet the only time in the last 2 years that I've truly felt at home and happy was at a get together at Julian and Rachel's apartment, where I looked around and recognized that while I might not be as close to all of them, these people were my real family. And now that makes me feel like I left my family without at least a formal goodbye, or even a promise to stay in touch.
What I think about and wonder about even more is if I'm alone in these feelings. I sometimes wonder if I'm too nostalgic, if really everyone has forgotton those days in drama and I'm only doomed to remember them because I didn't take the next, logical step with everyone and go to UNM and party, free of parents finally, with all my friends. Do people really miss me or think about me being a part of the group? Or has it been so long that I'm just no longer part...a visitor that occasionally shows up and says hello... I have poisonous feelings that I strongly desire going home, getting my job back at Flying Star and spending a few years simply enjoying life and not just worrying about how to get back into school, and how to "discover" myself.
Does any of this even make sense?
The hardest part of everything is that in my core, deep down, I know that right now I am doing what is best for me. I am experiencing a new city and expanding my view of the world, and I'm forcing myself by being alone so much to figure out what my real desires are. The problem is now that I'm here doing that, my real desires are starting to be going home, and reconnecting. But who knows...maybe it's just homesickness and I need to just shut up, meet some new people, and experience the next stage. Or get a degree at Columbia and then go home.
The fear in that is that by the time I get there, everyone else will have moved on and I'll be alone in trying to make past connections come back alive. Oh, life is so confusing sometimes. I often wish my decisions just made themselves for me.
After high school drama at AHS, which I honestly take to be a profound part of who I have become, I felt like I had the closest friends I had ever had. It seems like now I am recognizing that they will probably be the closest friends I ever will have, in the first place. Each of us has gone on and done crazy things, and all of our lives have changed, but it seems like a great majority of the people from that department are still in Abq, and still growing up together. In some ways, I feel like I've disconnected myself from most of them, which makes me somewhat sad. I've made so many crazy decisions myself, all for the sake of me, and yet the only time in the last 2 years that I've truly felt at home and happy was at a get together at Julian and Rachel's apartment, where I looked around and recognized that while I might not be as close to all of them, these people were my real family. And now that makes me feel like I left my family without at least a formal goodbye, or even a promise to stay in touch.
What I think about and wonder about even more is if I'm alone in these feelings. I sometimes wonder if I'm too nostalgic, if really everyone has forgotton those days in drama and I'm only doomed to remember them because I didn't take the next, logical step with everyone and go to UNM and party, free of parents finally, with all my friends. Do people really miss me or think about me being a part of the group? Or has it been so long that I'm just no longer part...a visitor that occasionally shows up and says hello... I have poisonous feelings that I strongly desire going home, getting my job back at Flying Star and spending a few years simply enjoying life and not just worrying about how to get back into school, and how to "discover" myself.
Does any of this even make sense?
The hardest part of everything is that in my core, deep down, I know that right now I am doing what is best for me. I am experiencing a new city and expanding my view of the world, and I'm forcing myself by being alone so much to figure out what my real desires are. The problem is now that I'm here doing that, my real desires are starting to be going home, and reconnecting. But who knows...maybe it's just homesickness and I need to just shut up, meet some new people, and experience the next stage. Or get a degree at Columbia and then go home.
The fear in that is that by the time I get there, everyone else will have moved on and I'll be alone in trying to make past connections come back alive. Oh, life is so confusing sometimes. I often wish my decisions just made themselves for me.