(no subject)
I guess it is finally time for decisions to be made in my life. I've taken my time trying to work things out and figure out what my "real desires" are, and what I've come to understand is that those things will come clear eventually and there is no need to waste time wondering about them. Because here I am, twenty years old, a million miles from where I pictured myself at this age, and doing nothing to push myself anywhere.
So here are the options:
I am reapplying to U Chicago. Without hesitation, I will attend, no matter the financial package offered, if I am accepted. Debt for life, here I come! The question now resides on whether I will or will not be accepted in the first place. Unfortunately, I lean towards no right now, because I know what my grades look like and I know that it appears I have not moved from bed in several years. Unfortunately, this is decently true. However, I never know! What I do know is that it is high time that I get back into school, regardless of whether it's a community college somewhere in New England, UNM, or U Chicago. And so, in the fall of 2005 I fully intend on reenrolling, regardless of where it is.
There is a slim possibility I will move to San Francisco late March/early April. I have talked to Rosie a bit about this option, as she is already out there, so the decision will probably be made soon. This decision will be made based on whether or not I can stay with Rosie's family, first and foremost. And secondly, if I am accepted to U Chicago, the question comes up as to whether or not I want to disappear for my last period of time at home, or whether I want to spend the time with the people I love and care about here at home. I'll have to wait until my acceptance or decline letter arrives, I suppose, and until then, work on figuring out my own desires.
I've been stuck in high school for two years now. I got Ray-rey disease, and I can't seem to leave the old high school drama department. I love directing, and this is the only venue I have that I can work in, but the truth is, it's high time I make my way out of there. When I walk into the drama room, I feel none of the love that I once did, and I feel none of the welcomeness that was provided for me there, once upon a time. Instead of the completely warm and inviting environment I found as a freshman, I walk into a place where the thespians now tell people who are not thespians where they can and cannot go or sit. It makes me a little ill to know that the haven I was given as a socially retarded, shy freshman, has been obliterated by those people that feel drama is a parade of their own beauty and ego, but I guess that's how it goes. And it's also how it goes that the whole theater is trashed, especially costumes and dressing rooms, the places I practically lived as a 16 year old. When I was in high school, we viewed it as disrespectful to ourselves and the others in the department to allow it to look as it does now, but it seems no one over there even cares anymore. But even more personally, and beyond that, is the fact that really, I graduated two years ago. It's time to say goodbye, to move on, to accept what I've learned and loved about what drama gave me, and go on to the next stage in life.
What did drama give me? It gave me, more than anything, self confidance. Being forced to speak in front of others, and actually being treated as if my opinion mattered is worth more in life than I even understand yet. It gave me confidance in myself as an artist, watching shows that I directed and enjoyed working on go up. It gave me confidance in my sexuality, most importantly. I don't know why, but I was not ever okay with who I was sexually until six years after I knew. It took me until my senior year to even kiss my first boy, and the confidance to do that was provided to me by the people I knew in drama, who taught me that who I am is okay, and never pushed my boundaries or limits. I was never once asked about my sexual orientation, even though it was painfully obvious, but I was definitely made to understand that whatever it was, it was okay. I cannot give enough thanks to every person I ever knew in drama who dedicated themselves wholly to an art simply because they loved it and to a place simply because they loved it. SO many people working so hard together to clean, to organize, to design, to create, to do anything they could to make the space and the shows that went up in it look perfect. Unfortunately that's gone now, but for me as a person, that doesn't matter. My time there is over, and I can only take what I got from it, and move on.
Someday I hope to work with AHS theater again, very far in the future, when maybe I can come give some bit back that I was given to someone else, but I guess that's yet to be decided.
It's time I get all of these things done, and I evaluate my priorities as an individual. While dating is fun, I know that right now I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm not mature enough or confidant enough in myself to handle one right now, but I know that day is coming soon, and hopefully I'll meet someone in my future. In my near future. At the moment though, keeping things away from serious and just experiencing life is a whole new world I've never understood. I guess I'm happy where I am, but I'm also prepared to take the next step and perhaps get that last remaining foot out of high school and into adulthood finally.
I guess now it's time to prove that I can actually do this, and not just keep talking like I normally do.
"Then I got my wings, and I never even knew it
When I was a worm, thought I couldn't get through it"
-Marilyn Manson, "Kinderfeld"
So here are the options:
I am reapplying to U Chicago. Without hesitation, I will attend, no matter the financial package offered, if I am accepted. Debt for life, here I come! The question now resides on whether I will or will not be accepted in the first place. Unfortunately, I lean towards no right now, because I know what my grades look like and I know that it appears I have not moved from bed in several years. Unfortunately, this is decently true. However, I never know! What I do know is that it is high time that I get back into school, regardless of whether it's a community college somewhere in New England, UNM, or U Chicago. And so, in the fall of 2005 I fully intend on reenrolling, regardless of where it is.
There is a slim possibility I will move to San Francisco late March/early April. I have talked to Rosie a bit about this option, as she is already out there, so the decision will probably be made soon. This decision will be made based on whether or not I can stay with Rosie's family, first and foremost. And secondly, if I am accepted to U Chicago, the question comes up as to whether or not I want to disappear for my last period of time at home, or whether I want to spend the time with the people I love and care about here at home. I'll have to wait until my acceptance or decline letter arrives, I suppose, and until then, work on figuring out my own desires.
I've been stuck in high school for two years now. I got Ray-rey disease, and I can't seem to leave the old high school drama department. I love directing, and this is the only venue I have that I can work in, but the truth is, it's high time I make my way out of there. When I walk into the drama room, I feel none of the love that I once did, and I feel none of the welcomeness that was provided for me there, once upon a time. Instead of the completely warm and inviting environment I found as a freshman, I walk into a place where the thespians now tell people who are not thespians where they can and cannot go or sit. It makes me a little ill to know that the haven I was given as a socially retarded, shy freshman, has been obliterated by those people that feel drama is a parade of their own beauty and ego, but I guess that's how it goes. And it's also how it goes that the whole theater is trashed, especially costumes and dressing rooms, the places I practically lived as a 16 year old. When I was in high school, we viewed it as disrespectful to ourselves and the others in the department to allow it to look as it does now, but it seems no one over there even cares anymore. But even more personally, and beyond that, is the fact that really, I graduated two years ago. It's time to say goodbye, to move on, to accept what I've learned and loved about what drama gave me, and go on to the next stage in life.
What did drama give me? It gave me, more than anything, self confidance. Being forced to speak in front of others, and actually being treated as if my opinion mattered is worth more in life than I even understand yet. It gave me confidance in myself as an artist, watching shows that I directed and enjoyed working on go up. It gave me confidance in my sexuality, most importantly. I don't know why, but I was not ever okay with who I was sexually until six years after I knew. It took me until my senior year to even kiss my first boy, and the confidance to do that was provided to me by the people I knew in drama, who taught me that who I am is okay, and never pushed my boundaries or limits. I was never once asked about my sexual orientation, even though it was painfully obvious, but I was definitely made to understand that whatever it was, it was okay. I cannot give enough thanks to every person I ever knew in drama who dedicated themselves wholly to an art simply because they loved it and to a place simply because they loved it. SO many people working so hard together to clean, to organize, to design, to create, to do anything they could to make the space and the shows that went up in it look perfect. Unfortunately that's gone now, but for me as a person, that doesn't matter. My time there is over, and I can only take what I got from it, and move on.
Someday I hope to work with AHS theater again, very far in the future, when maybe I can come give some bit back that I was given to someone else, but I guess that's yet to be decided.
It's time I get all of these things done, and I evaluate my priorities as an individual. While dating is fun, I know that right now I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm not mature enough or confidant enough in myself to handle one right now, but I know that day is coming soon, and hopefully I'll meet someone in my future. In my near future. At the moment though, keeping things away from serious and just experiencing life is a whole new world I've never understood. I guess I'm happy where I am, but I'm also prepared to take the next step and perhaps get that last remaining foot out of high school and into adulthood finally.
I guess now it's time to prove that I can actually do this, and not just keep talking like I normally do.
"Then I got my wings, and I never even knew it
When I was a worm, thought I couldn't get through it"
-Marilyn Manson, "Kinderfeld"