A cross-post from elsewhere.
I sometimes wonder how alone I really am. Despair and depression are common to the human lot. Still, when my mind wanders into these strange fields, I wonder if other feet tread here too, or am I alone? Certainly the path does not seem well worn.
So tell me, do you walk here with me?
Are you ever unsure of who you are? Do you doubt your name? Does your past elude you? Are you real? Are you sure that you are real? I'm not.
Are there days when your mind spins and swirls in a chaos of black and red, and whatever momentary pleasure or peace you find swiftly drowns in a shadow sea?
Does blood call out to you? Does the despair in you cry out for something, anything, to remove you from empty, unfeeling chaos, even if it's pain?
Maybe other feet have walked here, certainly when I am here I can understand why people cut themselves. Pain and blood would be something other than this bleakness.
But my own blood wouldn't be enough. I've tried. I've tried! It's true what some of the stories say of vampires, that they can't drink their own blood. It's not enough. It's never enough!
Blood calls to me! Last night I saw TJ cutting his submissive, and I wanted so badly to just lean over and lap up the blood.
I wouldn't. I know it would be wrong. But I wanted it...
I want to see my own blood too. But not shed by me. What meaning is there is cutting myself for my own blood? I might as well just masturbate, at least then I'd have meaningless pleasure rather than meaningless pain. I want somebody to wield the razor and cut into me. I want that bond of red and black. I want to offer up my pain and be filled with the knowledge that it pleases someone else.
I know it still wouldn't fix me. I'd be broken afterwards. I know that.
But I think it would fill this void, this unspeakable (literally, for I have no words adequate to describe it) bleakness in me for a little longer. I might be able to have a little bit more peace.
Why else would the blood call out to me so, if blood wouldn't help?
So do you ever walk this path? Do you ever wonder what is real? Does blood call out to you?