[YamaChii] The Polaroid Effect (Epilogue)
The Polaroid-Effect
© ainomesseji
Pairing: YamaChii; YamaJima Genre: Drama, Slice of Life, Romance, Angst
Summary: In his eyes, everything rolls like that of an instant camera. In every click, there are developed films that are called memories. The smiles, the sadness, the tears, and the lingering affection that comes with the pain, especially of being detained due to choice, but not due to what the heart says. That is all, all a part of those memories engraved into one’s being until death. But since happiness is always his priority, he gave in to chance. He gave up on everything so that he can be a part of a memory and of a destiny of a forever that cannot even be his. But he did that all. That one great sacrifice, just for the sake of a single smile. A single smile that can touch his soul, brighten up his world and be lay down upon him with love-just like before, just like when it used to be his.
…
Epilogue
Shizuoka-ken… the 16th of August… together on a train ride back home….just like before…
♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ In my memories of summer holiday; there was not even a single rainy day ♫ ♬ ♩ ♪
Humming one of his favorite songs, while gently stroking the strands of his little one’s hair as the younger falls asleep in his arms. Yamada Ryosuke couldn’t help but smile. This serene feeling in his heart and this scene, it’s so familiar to him. Until something clicked and a single tear gently rolled down, “This is kind of ironic. Don’t you think so, Yuri?” He stroked one of his little one’s cheeks, which made the smaller of the two scrunch his nose and bury his face more on the crook of his older lover’s neck. “Five more minutes, Ryosuke…” Yamada smiled. Seriously, Yuri…He chuckled before he heaved out a contented sigh as he stares at the deep blue sky.
♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ Everybody have one summer that they treasure in their hearts. That is somehow similar to eternity. Let’s return to be a boy with his Polaroid in august. The summer won’t forget you. ♫ ♬ ♩ ♪
“Thank you for showing me how much he really means to me…”
Yamada mused as he silently reminisce and trace back on the events that has happened in his dream. Although he couldn’t remember the faces, only his Yuri and his own. The trudging feeling on his chest as he remembers his betrayal; just hurts. And for once in his life, he became so thankful because of that. So thankful… so thankful of what he has now more than ever. He just appreciates it all. And, he has never been this grateful. Not once, just now. Still, he won’t deny it. Yesterday’s dream; it made him realize quite so many things in his life that he took so much for granted. It just… it wrecked his whole damned world. It numbed his whole system into fear and anxiety. It deeply scarred him, especially seeing such, feeling such and breaking such sweet and honest soul that was given to him amiably like a gift-a fallen grace. And stupid, insensitive him… he wrecks it all, even if it was only in his dreams. Yet so, it still feels so real, especially the way he slowly breaks and ruins the person that has always been his, loved him wholly as is and is ready to give him happiness just like that-like it was the most obvious and intelligent thing to do in this world-to die for someone as stupid as him.
It’s pathetic, right? But honestly heartwarming and undeniably sweet and touching that he felt as though, he’d just met this little angel again for the first time. It’s like when he woke up from such nightmare and saw that everything is alright and that everything is still intact… still okay, and that his Yuri is still in his arms-warm, loved and breathing, did he feel as though he has fallen in love once again and just felt as though he still need until forever to get to know such fallen grace that is named Chinen Yuri.
He sighed as he gave a lopsided smile and continued on to stroke his little one’s black tresses. There is still half an hour left before they arrive at Shizuoka. They’ll be going back there for their class reunion, and Yuri said he’ll be introducing his childhood-best friend, who just came back a two months ago from the states. But until then, he’ll just take a short…nap.
Click…
Wishes, hopes, dreams…these are equivalent to a future together-a happy ever after. These words, these honest and sincere words, these are the things that a person must keep in mind when indulging into the world called “relationship”. These are like the fundamental points-the baby steps one embraces into life.
Then after those, there comes trust, respect, love, acceptance and companionship. Those, he knows dearly by words and actions and has been keeping engraved hilt deep into his heart. Yet what really kept him going, what kept him from loving and not leaving is the fact that he had promised… promised himself that he’ll love without pretenses and without any doubt, the one named Chinen Yuri-no matter what. Because the moment he said those words; he said that promise. He made sure. He deeply made sure that he’ll never-never, ever, choose anyone else, but Chinen Yuri. Because that day, when the world made him promise, it was also the day that Chinen Yuri gave him his whole self-mind, heart, body and soul. Everything for him to take and to hold, for him to love and protect with all his might because that day…it was also the day that Chinen Yuri lost everything… everything that he is living for in the first place.
Breaking News: One big car accident in the main district of Shizuoka-ken, all victims were found dead. No survivors…
And it was the 16th of August; the day that Yamada Ryosuke felt so useless. He felt like he has done nothing to help. Even give comfort. He badly thinks he has not given enough. Because during the 16th of August, in the small and once very homey and loving abode of the Chinen’s, gloom resided and danced against the suffocating air. While as it did tears… there were tears falling on his black suit. Tears that felt like heavy raindrops soaking him and taking him away into somewhere deep and sorrowful, and it was too much… too much to bear, too much to handle… oh God…
A strained and tired sigh before a ruthless sound of broken sobs reverberated again in his ears, making his walls crack but not break and crumble… not when he needed him the most.
“Yuri...”
He hummed that sweet name like a comforting lullaby as he held that small figure close to him. Closer than even possible if he can, before he rocked their bodies back and forth as he allowed those small hands to hold him tightly and let all the pain go. Just let it all go as the little one continue on to cry for the loss he cannot bring back and for the ache he’ll carry until he sees them again on the other side. “-the-they… left m-me…” Yuri cried out. He cried out for the first time as broken sobs echoed and ripped through the four walls of their-now only his home. His small cold and empty home where his family lay asleep and for all eternity will be asleep for good. “…Ya-Yama-chan!” He bawled. He wailed and desperately clung on to him for dear life. And he knows. Yamada Ryosuke knows that if he ever let go of this small frame in his arms, he’ll lose him too. He’ll wither away from him too. Because he knows by heart that Yuri will hurt himself and slowly shatter and break just like those people who lost everything dear into their life in one go. Just like them, he knows his Yuri will leave him… leave him without any second thoughts, without any more questions.
Because now Yuri has no more reason, he has no more reason to live and continue on moving forward. And, Yamada Ryosuke doesn’t want that… not an ounce of that, because Chinen Yuri. His dearest and most loved Chinen Yuri, he deserves so much more. He deserves so much love and happiness. He deserves still, years of life to see the wonders of the world. And, Yamada Ryosuke, he still needs Chinen Yuri, and never will he get tired of needing his Chinen Yuri-even if it’s during eternity and death. So, he’ll make a promise… a promise that he’ll keep until forever and until the world slowly ends.
"Hush, Yuri… it’s alright. As long as I’m here, everything will be alright.”
His voice were like a silent therapy into Chinen Yuri’s broken heart, soothing him, healing him and making sure that he’ll be okay-alright. And somehow, it helped the little one breathe, even for a little while, as his sobs and heart tearing cries of brokenness and loss faded as he leaned in closer and buried his face on the crook of his Ryosuke’s neck. “…that’s my Yuri. So hush now… okay? Ryosuke’s here. He’ll never leave. He’ll never leave his Yuri.” Ryosuke held his little one’s hand and kissed it tenderly and lovingly. “I promise, I'll never leave you. Not until you still need me and still want me. I’ll not leave you until you still love me. I’ll not leave you… and I’ll never break this promise. Not like what they did. Never…" And his words left no uncertainty; it left no doubt. It was firm, just like how his kisses were that night; just like his hold and the way he wiped all those tears away by making it all better by showing an option and a new light.
And that’s the reason why, Yamada Ryosuke’s love for Chinen Yuri has always been undoubtedly strong, yet his human instinct...his undeniable lust and quench for sin binds him to make a rip into his woven promise. At some point, he felt so tired-out of love for his little one, because he felt so tied and so bound, like he cannot be happy anymore… an empty shell of who he once was. But every time he doubts his heart and doubts his love, or sometimes, even before any of these feelings could even arise. Just like his yesterday’s dream, that slithering dream that broke all his defenses and made him feel so scared and empty inside. He’ll stop before he even reaches the thoughts. He’ll stop before he even doubts his feelings. And if not, things around him will make him realize. Either through phantasms, mirages or semantics from the book he reads, either happenings from the people around him and even through shows he watches with his little one, and now… even in his dreams. He stops and rethinks. He analyzes and realizes that his thoughts are dumb. It’s stupid. It’s dumb. It’s useless because in any form and in anyway. The one who can make him happy most and the one who can love him most is Chinen Yuri. No one else but Chinen Yuri, just like how destiny has planned and just like how fate has decided.
It has always been Yamada Ryosuke and Chinen Yuri-no one else.
“There is no one that can replace you.”
Click…
It was a year after his family died in the car accident. It was also the last month before graduating, which means opportunities coming their way. Although for Yamada Ryosuke, it came quite a tad bit early than he expected. An offer to study in the states…
Yamada was at the rooftop that time, contemplating as he held two envelopes. One is the offer to study abroad, which has been his dream all this time. And then the other one is the one being offered to him by Tokyo University, which was his second option, yet still… he broods. After all this will be a lifetime chance. But his Yuri… he’s thinking about his Yuri. How would his Yuri react with him leaving? Would he accept it wholeheartedly or… not?
What should he do? He asked himself before he stopped midway of his thoughts as he saw something, a mirage of some sort of him and his Yuri wearing the same blazer and the same uniform of that school. And finally he has decided. He knew what he’ll do. He has already made his choice.
Yamada Ryosuke then smiled.
The day of their graduation… post-celebration… at the rooftop of their school…
“So you’re leaving?”
That tone of voice made Yamada Ryosuke cringe. He didn’t like that sound of voice coming from his Yuri. It was cold and distant-so far away. And it is actually scaring him to his wits, breaking him into fragmented pieces…
Yamada nodded. And the moment he did. He regretted it because mirrored in those pretty eyes, despite of that awkward smile, is the urge to stop him from going away and studying abroad. But it was pushed back. It was easily replaced by meek happiness. It’s just wrong… too fake.
“…then leave.”
That was his little one’s reply before heels were turned and small back began to shake and-“Yuri…” Ryosuke called out as he stopped his little one before he could even run. “…Yuri, do look at me please…” Yamada begged but his Yuri just wouldn’t budge. The little one just continues on pushing him away. “Let me go, Ryosuke…p-please…” And Yuri really didn’t want to beg, he didn’t want to sound selfish and weak. But knowing that his Ryosuke will be far away from him hurts. After all, he has always been dependent of his Ryosuke. His Ryosuke has always been his source of light from the darkness after his family died. However, Yuri knows that he shouldn’t be selfish. Not when all his life, Yuri knows that this has been his Ryosuke’s dream. “P-please, Ryosuke… hanase yo… let me go…” Yuri sobbed. He sobbed as he covered his face with his palms.as he allowed the tears to flow.
“Why, Yuri?” Ryosuke chimed as he tried to pry his little one’s hands away from his face. But since Yuri was stubborn, it became hard for him. So he resulted into biting Yuri’s earlobe and tickling him to the side, which made the little one snap. “…Ryosuke, please… don’t make this hard for…” Yuri was about to rebuke, but when he saw his Ryosuke holding out two train tickets to Tokyo did his heart leap a thousand of beats. “Uso! You’re lying, Ryosuke!” Chinen cried out, which only made his older lover grin as he pulls out a letter from Tokyo University, which says: “Good day, Yamada Ryosuke-san… we would like to heed our sincerest gratitude for picking up Tokyo University as your pillar of support through your University years. In congratulation and as a sign of welcome from Tokyo University would like to…” Yuri read out loud, before tears rolled down again from his eyes. Although now it’s not due to sadness, but due to pure and blissful happiness of what he read and what his Ryosuke has done. “Y-You…” The little one stuttered out as the overwhelming feeling caught him by a surprise. “You didn’t have to do that Ryosuke…I…” And Yuri didn’t know what to say anymore. He just clung to his Ryosuke tight and let that big and warm calloused palms soothe his small back. “…I wanted to, you know…” Ryosuke whispered as he kissed Yuri’s temple.
“…because I love you.”
Click…
Arriving at Shizuoka-ken… Tokaido Shinkansen is finally arriving at Shizuoka-ken…
Yamada Ryosuke stirred from the reverberating sound echoing in his ears. Ignoring the sound, he continued on to nap. However, the noise just kept on ticking inside his skull, making his head hurt. So unable to go back from his sweet slumber, Ryosuke gently opened his eyes, and when he saw the familiar surroundings of their hometown a small smile slowly crept from his lips. Though still groggy from sleep, Yamada steadied himself before he shook his little one to wake him up. “Yuri, wake up… we’re home.” Ryosuke smiled as he watches his little one yawn and flutter his long and thick eyelashes. “Ohayou~ Ryochuke…” Yuri tried to stifle a yawn, which made the older one laugh as he kissed his Yuri on the forehead and pulled him up with him that made the little one giggle.
“Uwah~! It’s Shizuoka! It’s actually good to be back home~” Yuri smiled as he stretched and twined his fingers with his Ryosuke. Nodding in consent, Ryosuke pulled his Yuri closer to him as they made their way to their destination-the Class Reunion. However, seeing that it was still quite early, both Ryosuke and Yuri decided to make a detour. Well, it’s more of Yuri’s plan. The little one did plan to call his childhood-best friend for a meet up. After all, it’s been awhile since they last saw each other. And, he does want his old friend to meet Ryosuke. Since after this day the two of them will be…
Ryosuke and he would be…
“Yuri… don’t you think it’s inappropriate to think of me that way? The sun is still very bright~” Ryosuke teased. Yuri would have retorted back a sarcastic reply, but when he saw his older lover’s boisterous smile. He stopped and just smiled back, though not before poking his Ryosuke on his side which made the older one bark out fits of smiles and giggles. Grinning from ear to ear, Yuri was about to boast how his Ryosuke lost. However, he was caught by the moment as his Ryosuke suddenly leaned down and captured his lips with his in a sweet kiss, making Yuri blush tenfold.
“I love you, Yuri.” Ryosuke leaned his and Yuri’s forehead together, before he nuzzled his nose against little one and was about to capture those lips again. However they were suddenly interrupted by a familiar voice that made Ryosuke’s heart jump.
“…ahaha, I never knew that you were fond of voyeurism, Chii~” The stranger commented with a laugh, making the little one blush as he shuffled away from his older lover and proceeded on hugging his childhood-best friend. “Yutti~~!!” Yuri cheered as he and Yuto spun like little children. “I missed you, Chii~!” The stranger, whom was named Yuto, cheered back as well, making Ryosuke and another stranger laugh at the silliness of the two reunited buddies.
Amused of the sudden appearance of the other male, the strawberry-lover suddenly asked, “You with him?” He pointed at Yuto, which made the other male smile and blush. “Yeah, he’s my boyfriend actually.” The stranger grinned, which made Yamada laugh as he offered his hand. “Yamada Ryosuke by the way, the little one’s fiancée~”
“Okamoto Keito, Nakajima Yuto’s lover,” the two smiled as they shook hands. But before they could even start on another conversation, small arms gently snaked around Ryosuke’s neck before soft, pink lips began to nip on the strawberry-lover’s flushed cheeks. “You’re unfair, Ryosuke. You met Yutti’s boyfriend before I did. I was supposed to investigate!” Yuri pouted, which made the other three laugh-out-loud. “Daijoubu da yo, Chii~ I should be the one who’s mad at Keito because he first met Yamada-kun, my best friend’s fiancée and soon-to-be-husband~” Yuto teased as he stares at the two, whom by now is as red as a tomato.
However as Yuto looks at the two, he couldn’t help but linger his stare on Yamada Ryosuke’s face. The other male seems so familiar to him like he has seen him before somewhere. It made him queasy and anxious. It made him really scared. Although, when brown orbs locked with black irises, something suddenly clicked, before a smile adorned both their faces.
The dream… it was never real.
Only a figment of both their imagination-an image of realization…
***
“Please don’t hurt him anymore, okay Yamada-kun? Don’t ever allow what we both saw in our dreams to happen. Because what has transpired in mine might have involved Keito, and yours, whom I’ve hurt might have been Chii. But despite of all those things, let that be a lesson for the two of us. Let us confide on that dream to learn how to treasure the ones that we truly love. You don’t want to see dying in your arms again, right? I don’t want to see him committing suicide as well. Because the pain it cause me was tremendous that I oath to myself that forever may not actually be forever, but I’ll always love him. So you should too. Though, I know you would…” a proud smile, “…he’ll become Yamada Yuri soon. Congratulations.” Yuto smiled as he offered his hand to one Yamada Ryosuke, who in return shook and grin from ear to ear. “I’ll never hurt him. I promise, even if forever ends today.”
Fin.
Author’s Note: The end. Wow, it took me months to post this. But anyways, I hope at some point you guys liked this. I feel as though you guys might get confused and kill me. I know it’s ugly but… I am quite proud of this so please don’t be too harsh, okay? Although, I haven’t actually done a re-(re-read). But I think this one is passable enough to be read by everyone. Hehe… so please leave me some comment and please do enjoy. If anyone is confused, I’ll be willing to answer questions. But I’ll leave some ideas here.
*NOTE:
- The sequence between dream and reality can be seen through the transition of Camera “Clicks”. So during the mid-part where the “Clicks” are malfunctioning, it’s indicating that from a normal dream state, Ryosuke is starting to have a nightmare and when the camera isn’t bulging anymore. It only means that Ryosuke is finally waking up. He’s starting to realize that he needs to wake up, now.
- Another, if you guys haven’t noticed yet, Ryosuke is the one having the dream-nightmare. It’s him who is triggering it all. Although events from part 1, part 2 and part 3 dream mode haven’t actually happened yet. The dream was a post-premonition for Yamada, because as you’ll see here in the Epilogue. There are snippets of their past and within those past memories, Ryosuke has always been guided by whomever (maybe fate and destiny) to choose the right way for both him and Yuri. See there, Ryosuke saw a mirage/premonition of their future together. That’s the reason why he chose T-University over the States. The Mirage/Premonition actually helped him to decide what will be best for him and Yuri.
- Thirdly, Yuto actually had the same dream-state as Ryosuke. However, I won’t write that. I can tell you what happened but not as detailed as this one. So yeah, so don’t be confused okay? I mean, I know this is shit and all, especially my mind but… I really like how I conceptualized it.
- Questions are free to ask!
Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate it! :D