(no subject)
heres an example of why i suck as a human being.
so im not usually a posessive friend
i was when i was younger, but never in a you can only be my friend kind of way. more like im kind of a sensitive person, and i like to feel loved and appreciated by people that i care about. so yoav is probably my best friend. he knows me really well, and hes very honest with me, which is something that i need. hes also the first really close friend ive ever had, where the relationship has no sexual element whatsoever. so i know hes really my friend. so last night at STRIKE he was spending a lot of time with e-krup. and i mean, i like e-krup, im not one of those girls who doesnt like her because shes got a perfect body and shes knows it. i think shes funny, and shes smart, and shes a little bit mean which makes her far more entertaining than say, the average girl. but i got jealous of her hanging out with my best friend, and talking to him seriously, and like confiding in him. i dont get jealous of his friendships with guys though. caroline laughed at me, she said: "what will you do when he gets a girlfriend?" i answered frankly "probably kill myself, or her." but if i get jealous when he hangs out with girls, but not at all when he hangs out with guys....am i one of those girls who hates girls? have i become the elitist woman hating fiend that ive been tending toward for years?
and if so- WHAT THE FUCK? i like girls...i get along with them, i think theyre pretty....and sweet... and it comes to me. oh shit. i really dont like girls, or rather, i dont like girls who arent like me. i like girls who used to be messed up, but are now kind of...i dunno, funny in a bitter way. sarcastic. like me.
but seriously, what will i do if yoav gets a girlfriend? i worry that i will be like the girls who wang is friends with who made me crazy jealous when i first started dating him. ill be that horrible friend-whos-a-girl who puts off that, i know your boyfriend better than you ever will vibe.
which is nasty.
i should work on that