"We are the people that you hate, we are the bastards that you created..."

[ahoteluyu]

I haven't had the greatest couple of days...I've been really weird since school started. I'm not quite sure what's wrong...I'm just...sad? And I'm messing with a lot of people just because I'm feeling a little out of it...and it's not right. I even went so far at one point as to telling one of my friends that I felt like I did when I used to want to cut. Yeah, it's no secret that I used to anymore...and one I'm not at all proud of. I'm really ashamed of it, actually. At least I know how retarted it really is, now. I just scared myself a few nights ago, because I hadn't really been in a mood like that in a long time...and I didn't feel like I had anyone to tell or talk to...I was just isolating myself...and making my friends worry about me. I should just keep my mouth shut. I mean my friend even asked me to promise him I wouldn't do anything, and I shouldn't have given him a reason to even ask me to. And I didn't when I should have, because it just seemed so juvenile all of a sudden and I embarrassed myself. That night, for reasons I still don't understand, I cried myself to sleep. And I'm dragging someone I care about into my drama...that's something I've always been afraid I'd do...bring someone that means a lot to me, down. And yeah, I was just venting, but I got him worried about me, and that wasn't my intention...I was just scared. And then I came back from being with my father the next day, and Britt pops up from the floor where she'd been sleeping, and looked so angry, and I honestly had NO IDEA why...until she told me she'd had a chat with the friend I had been venting to the night before, and she was pissed at me for it, and what I said. And again, I felt stupid. I shouldn't have said anything to him about it. I swear though, I haven't and won't do anything...I don't have time for shit like that, not again, I had just been having a bad night, and I didn't want to bother anyone with my stupid problems. (And that band-aid you saw Britt, that was from me taking off the scab from that scrape I made scratching those bug bites, I got the band-aid at the Rest Home from my Aunt) So after that, I went in the bathroom and called my mom because I had promised her I would...and I find the phone is off the hook. I immediately become worried...I get the feeling something is wrong...whenever the phone is off the hook like that with my mom, something really bad has gone down. So I call my father, and ask him if he could please drive me to my mom's...that I was worried about her. And then I break down on the phone to him about what had been going on the last couple of days and that Britt was mad at me, and I was just depressed, and not getting any sleep, and all this other bullshit. So I go upstairs and pack, trying to be quiet so I won't keep Britt up, and once I'm done packing, I remember that no one is up. I peak my head out the door, and see that her brother is up, and I tell him that I'm leaving, that my mother needs me, and that my father is bringing me to my condo. I didn't want to leave without anyone knowing, and he'd asked me awhile before that to make sure I let someone know when I was going out, so if my parents called wanting to know where I was, they would. After that, I went downstairs, and waited for my father outside. When we got to my moms, the lights were on, and when I unlocked the door, we went in, and found her passed out on the couch in her underwear, and a huge ass bottle of vodka sitting in front of her on the coffee table, empty. For some reason, I didn't panic or get angry or anything...I ended up being the one calming my father down, and telling him I'd take care of it, and confront her in the morning after I washed the bottle out, and keep it in my room until the next day. Well, when he was leaving, my mother woke up, and thank God he kept walking out the door. Before he left, he made me promise to call him at whatever time of night if anything happened. We all know how my mom gets when she's drunk, and I'll admit that I WAS a little scared of what would happen with her if she lost her temper or got angry, but I told him that I would and I'd be fine, that I was used to it. What I meant by that was, I'll be fine, I'm older now, I understand more now, that my mom is sick, and it's her problem. I went inside, locked the door, and pretended I didn't see the bottle when my mom asked me what I was doing home. I just told her that I'd wanted a good night of sleep, and was home sick. I let her discard of the bottle while I was upstairs, trying to get up the courage to go and tell her that I knew. I was still afraid she'd freak on me, and try attack me like she always does. Finally I just went down, and found her sitting on the couch like nothing was wrong, and I looked at her. She knew I knew, and I told her so. And I started to lecture her. All of a sudden, she tells me that she'd lost her job that day. I wasn't surprised, it was a long time in coming...ever since she'd been landed in jail and the hospital, they'd had it in for her. They fired her because she was wearing the wrong shoes. She's probably suing them now, but that's another story. I asked her if she thought that was any reason to fall off the wagon again, honestly, and she went into this big thing about how she couldn't deal with her feelings. I felt like an adult reprimanding a child. I told her that I understood that she would have trouble along the way to recovery, that it wasn't easy, and I knew she was sick, and I understood, but I told her that she'd messed up more than she could imagine. And then I went upstairs and called my friend. He listened to me freaking out, and listened about my mother. And I'll always be grateful for that. I never had anyone to listen to me when all this used to happen when I was little...I'd always been alone. This time I wasn't...thank-you for your support, Max, really. It means a lot. And I'm sorry I kept you up so late O_o I spent a few minutes arguing with my mom to get her to go to bed because if she didn't, I told her, I would never be able to get to sleep, because I'd be paranoid she'd burn the house down with her cigarettes or something. So she went to bed, and I told her to stay there. I made sure she did. Then I went downstairs, and cleaned up a bit, and took care of the cat. I was dead on my goddamn feet, so fucking tired you have no idea. Then the next day my father came to get me to bring me to school, and I had to ask him to stop at Britt's for a minute, because the jeans I'd brought with me were wayyyy to low cut for comfort. So I dashed in, dropped my stuff, changed my jeans, and ran back out the door, saying hello to Britt's father. I made it just on time, thank God. So after school, I got a ride to Britt's and walked in and said hi to her mother and ran upstairs to unpack my stuff. And then my Aunt called, so she came to get me at Britt's because I thought she'd be bringing me to my mom's after work. So I spent the night there, and then Greg calls...and I decide to stay in Milford one more night, partly to hang with my friends, and partly to avoid seeing my mother the day after all the drama. Britt called, and I told her that I was going to come back that night, just until Saturday, and I'd be back a little later. My Aunt dropped me off at Alisha's and I'd forgotten to call Greg like I always do before I get there, and he tells me that Shaine is there! I start having heart palpitations because I DO NOT want to see him. And then Greg tells me that Shaine had asked him to tell him when I got there, so he could leave. So I waited in my Aunt's car while he did that, and then told her goodnight, and dropped my stuff in the drive way. Greg's friends Nick and Jeff were there in a car getting drunk, like idiots, and Jeff was telling us all how Shaine had gathered up his stuff, and run out the front door. It bothered me. But, oh well. I was glad he wasn't there. Phew. I really don't know how the hell I'm going to handle being at Alisha's party next Sunday with him there, but oh well, I'll suck it up for my friend. Well, I had basically ended up staying later then I meant to, and then I realized I had no way to get back to Britt's because Greg and them had left early. So I sit there with Alisha trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do, I didn't want to walk into Britt's so early in the morning and wake everyone up, so I called up my friend, and basically asked to spend the night there...the only problem was that he lived across town, and it was past town curfew and I'd have to walk, and yeah. So I ended up having to go back to Britt's, walking, with all my belongings, at 1:30 in the morning. I got there and her brother and his friend were up and I felt so bad for coming in so late like an idiot. Then I found that Britt had someone sleeping over, and I didn't want to bug them, so I called my father to come and pick me up 'cause I knew he'd be up. I'm really grateful for what he did, not many people would. I was so inconsiderate of Britt and her family, and I seriously can't believe that I did that, when they're being nice enough to let me stay with them. I don't care how chaotic my life is right now, I had no right to do that, and I'm really sorry. I've just really been a big mess these last couple of days, a really big mess. More than I can say. I'm still so wiped, that I have circles under my eyes from stress and lack of sleep, even though I've slept a lot. I'm so drained. Right now I'm listening to Smile Empty Soul and chilling. I have to go do my chemistry homework and wash some cloths, and then empty the cats litter box, oh yay. I'm so glad there's no school tomorrow...I need to pull myself together.

I'm really such a little loser sometimes, do you know that?

Kat