"Even Angels Fall..."

[ahoteluyu]

One of my friends just asked me in IMs how I could have changed so much, in just one summer. I just told her shit happens, and you grow up. I'm a lot more cynical than I was a few months ago, I don't really feel like that girl with all that energy anymore, inside. Outside I may seem it, and sometimes I feel it, but lately, very rarely. And I guess it's not being more cynical, it's being more "grown up". A lot of my family is throwing that word around at me lately. There's not one that's not. They take any opportunity they can to tell me how I'm growing up. How I'm learning from all this. How none of it is a big deal. Hey, it may not be in ten years, and it may not be the main focus of my life, but loves, it still hurts, and you can't tell me it doesn't. It hurts more than I let on, or will let on. Maybe even can let on. Especially what someone told me last night. It hurt like hell. I'll never let you know it though, I'll just pretend I feel the same way as you, even when I feel dead inside. A defense mechanism. I can't talk to anyone about it, about how much it really does hurt, because I say it doesn't, just to please them, just so they approve, and think it's a-okay. If I do try to, they just tell me it's stupid and not to bother. They may be right, but it still hurts and I want to get it off my chest, I want someone to just listen that's all, nothing more, but no one will. Stupid Kara, she doesn't know what she's talking about. Another friend also told me that I'm loosing it, or going crazy. Maybe I'm just being a little reckless because I can. Because I'm hurt, and I don't know what else to do to make it go away. I try and try to pretend it doesn't bother me in the least anymore, and I have been for a while now, but my front is scattering in the wind. I feel like a ticking time bomb. It's been working for a while now, but not much longer. It breaks through the cracks sometimes and I'm just...listless. I want to get rid of the pain and confusion and any other feeling having to do with this before work and school start, because I'll need to be focusing only on that, only on the "right things" ; my responsibilities. Pretty soon, I'll be working and school will be on and SATs and my license. I'll have time for nothing but responsibilities. Well, at least they'll be for me and no one else. Namely my mother. My family is telling me, "oh you can still have fun, you're still a kid, afterall!" But really all they want me to do, is what needs to be done, and then go to sleep at night and do the same thing the next day. Pretend like it doesn't matter. I don't mind responsibility at all, and I know I need to get all these things done, that they're important, but I can do other things too. I don't know, I'm not getting into it. I never even meant this entry to be about this, it just came out.

The truth is, this wasn't just a summer encounter, and when the real world comes back, the pain will still be there because it happened, and it was a part of my life for two years before this stupid shit happened. It's so weird to think how easily things change. How fast. From barely talking to deep hate. Weird. You know, I want to say that I give up on love, but a part of me still holds the hope that I'll find another someone. Do you think I ever will? I have to go now.

Kat

--You probably have no idea what I'm talking about, and that's okay. I don't need anyone to know, I just had to get it off my chest. Yay.--