"Well, I just heard the news today, seems my life is gonna change..."

[ahoteluyu]

I've been on livejournal a lot lately, huh? Heh, the last survey just below this entry is a little crazy. This entry may be my last for a while. Last night, my father came here, and he, I, and Alisha's parents talked. For a while. Everything was laid down on the table, and today I'm left just...empty. I didn't really have any emotion about the whole thing yesterday. I should be singing praises. I should. And I know, of all people, that life doesn't always go the way you want it to. You're given a path, a fork in the road, and there it is. Laid out for you and you have to chose. I have till Thursday. Guess I should tell you the proposed plan my father came up with. I can live in West Haven with him, as a base, sometimes stay at Alisha's if there's bad weather, and visit my mother on the weekends. And when I didn't seem too sure of this plan, he bluntly told me that I had to be prepared to make some sacrifices too. Like I'm not aware of that, like that hasn't been what I've been doing my whole life. And people are talking about counseling here, like it's a magic fix. It's not, and things are going to take time. I need to go on my own for a while, assess my feelings about the situation, and then bring my mother or Tony into it. They all start talking like I don't know any of this, and it hurts. But, I kept my mouth shut like a good little girl, and tried to listen to their advice like my Aunt said I should try some time. I'm trying here! Dammit, I am. And I've just fucked up my relationship with someone. I pushed him away too much, and he stayed away this time. That's what I want, right? I've just ruined the most amazing thing in my life, for a reason, right? Then why does it feel like a lead weight has been placed over my heart and lungs? I feel like I can't breathe. I don't know what to do. I'll tell you what I would like to happen in this situation, even though I know I'm probably going to have to go back to my mother's. I'd like to stay with Alisha's family, that have now become a family to me, and have my father give them the $100 a week, instead of my mother. That's what I was talking about with Alisha's Mom, if I were to stay here. She'd need money. The water and electric bill is a lot with a fourth person in the house. God, I'd even be willing to pay rent once I got a goddamn job! That time I left here to go stay with Brittany, I had to come back because I missed it here, I didn't realize how much I've come to be attached to this place. Well, when I came back, I felt like I was coming home. It was a weird feeling. I was welcomed back by two people, who said they were glad I was back. And they didn't have a hidden agenda, saying that, they just said it because they meant it. And I've never felt that before. This place has almost become the closest thing I've ever had to an actual home. I'm trying to be positive about all this, I'm trying to tell myself that the best thing will happen, I'll make the right choice. But my mind is so muddled up right now, that I can't think straight. I've been given a gift, with my father's offer, and having him come back into my life now, and I should not turn it away, right? We don't always get what we want, but we do the best with what we have. I have no one anymore, I've successfully pushed them all away. Now I really don't have anything to keep me here this summer. God, what have I done? Why did I let myself get like this again? It hurts so, so, so, bad. And tear aren't going to fix anything. Not this time, not ever. Please, just let something good come of all this hell, I need to be strong, and willing to take on anything, if I'm going to survive this. Because ten years from now, when I'm "free" none of this shit is going to matter. Life and reality is closing in on me a lot faster, just like it did when I was a little kid. Oh, well. It's how I react to these challenges...I need to deal with this all with an iron-will. I said I wouldn't let anyone fuck with me anymore, and I need to stick with that. I need to be strong, I can do this. Yeah, it may not mean a damn thing in ten years, but this isn't ten years, this is now, and it kills. And to all my friends, and I mean ALL of you, you guys have been doing something, by just being there, and being you. So don't feel like you don't know what to do, because that's all you can do, and I'm grateful for that. For you guys. Please, don't forget that you mean everything to me, okay? No matter what. I'm just going through a rough patch now, and I'm sorry if I seem too...messed up in general. This isn't me, all of this, it's just my pain. All this just seems like babble at this second, all these words I'm spewing about being strong, but soon they won't. I hope, I know. Bye, guys. I don't know when I'll be posting an entry again, maybe soon, maybe later.

And, I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so, so, sorry.

Kat