"Bearin' the burden of a secret storm, sometimes she wishes she was never born..."
Well, here's that entry now. I'm not sure if I'll have time to finish it all in one sitting. My father is on his way to get me and Brittany. I dunno what we're going to be doing, maybe catch a movie and get ice cream or something. The same, mundane thing. But, if Brit's there, it'll be a little more tolerable. We can listen to 3 doors down and sing to it or something, lol. Don't know if it'd be quite the same as when we sang to The Supremes, on the way to Mystic that time. But, hey. New things aren't always the same, now are they? Alisha will be back soon from the dentist, and she'll want to use the phone to talk to her new boyfriend. I'm happy for her. Hopefully she's found a real good one this time. I hope. It's hard to see your friends sobbing their hearts out. Hmm, where to begin with EVERYTHING? It's gotten to the point where I'm about to break now. You know, I was starting to be able to smile and really mean it, feel it? And then my mother starts in, and there goes THAT idea. I can't go home with her. Her trial is Thursday, the trial the judge had had to postpone, and now she may just go to jail. Or a rehab. You know, this sounds so horrible, but I'm almost HOPING she's sentenced to SOMETHING. She wouldn't be able to try and break me, as I'm in the process of healing. Getting better, stronger. Coming to terms with my past. I'll get to that part later, and that's another major thing, having to do with my estranged Grandfather. The one that left when I was eight and never showed up again. Like my father. Good news, my Great Grandmother is still alive. Thank-God. I loved that sweet lady sooo much.
Anyway, that was one of my tangents. Still not done with it, but I'll get back to it later, like I said. Dammit, there's just sooo much roving around inside of me, that I really DON'T know where the hell to start, or how I'm going to get it all out. I hate this, soooo, sooo, sooo, much. You have no idea. How about I start with more recent things? Well, guys are confusing, and odd, and my mother is fucked up, and my best friend treats me like shit sometimes, and everything really feels like it's gone off the rictor scale. And I've ended up all alone, like usual. Nothing new. And that's okay. Okay, fine. No more bullshitting. It's not okay. Nothing with me is OKAY right now, not a thing. Not one, tiny, insy-weensey, thing. I feel like I'm being pulled tight inside, like I'm dying. Ah, shit. I have to go. Alisha is back. I'll pick this up later. Laters.
~*~
Hey, back now. It's 12:08 in the morning, and I'm being annoyed by Alisha's mom's snoring. But, hey, everyone's entitled to snore, I guess. Her mom's a nice lady. Well, how about I summarize the events of today? Well, after my father came to get me, that is. Well, he came, chatted up Alisha's stepfather for about ten minutes, and then we left to go get Miss Brittany. After getting her, we debated what to do after we got minutes for my cell phone (which no one ever calls, and I'm thinking about keeping off, because the only calls I get are from my mother trying to fuck with me, and my father calling every ten seconds to say hi, and then me getting disappointed when it's one of them and not someone else, and I'm not getting into that. I'm just so sick of all this shit. Looks like I'm thinking about going into hiding, huh? To nurse my wounds alone, like always? That's probably right. Why the hell can I never leave things alone, and scare people off? Grr. I'm so sick of fighting with my mother on the phone and this fucking depression I've been in since she tried bringing up me going back to that hellhole with her. And I'm sooo worried about Angel, and I need to get a job, and if I even DID go back to the Condo, how would I get to my job? And I just can't go back there. Oh, and I need to get a damn car, start taking care of things. All on my own. I'm so sick of me whining that I have no one that really cares about me, when that's my own doing, since I push/scare them all away...and I'm really starting to hate myself now! Can't one thing go right for me, and stay that way, without getting fucked up??) and then got the hair ripped out of my head (waxed brows). We wanted to go to Norwalk to see an IMAX movie about The Nile and it's history (And that seemed like it would be soooo interesting too!), only to find out that it was closed. So, then we decided to go to Greatest Games or whatever the place is called in North Haven, and go Gokarting. Let's just say, my steering and everything was perfect, but it was my first time and I sucked, but it was FUN!!!! Then we got food from inside, watched ppl play in the batting cages and the golf field. Then went mini-golfing...nineteen holes. Brittany was attacking her ball, and it always seemed to hit ME or MY ball, and my ball went into the waterfall and bushes a couple of times, my father's never did once. He hit me with his club, playing around, at one time, and I turned around and poked him with mine in his ribs. Not too gently either. Oops. 0:-) Yesterday, for Father's day, Alisha, her family, and I went to Outback, where he was working, so as we were eating, he was bringing all these ppl to the table, and introducing them to me. So, in between bites, I was trying to swallow and say hi, and shake hands. Ah, imagine that. And I found out that my father talks about me a lot there. Good things, lol. And then he told me today that they were all saying I was gorgeous, even some of the "girls that never give compliments", and he said that to me, all pride-like, lol. And then they asked what happened to him. I thought that part was a little funny. And I'm not gorgeous, but maybe NOT ugly. Someone recently has been making me see myself a little differently. I dunno if that's a good thing or a bad thing or an amazing thing, 'cause you guys know me and my opinion about my looks. But, whatever. I refuse to obsess over it. Anywayz, after we finished mini-golf, we went gokarting one more time, and I had so much on my damn mind, that I actually stopped in the middle of the track for a full second before I realized it. Geese. Talk about absent-minded. After that, we drove around, fighting with my father about what CD we were listening to. He tried sneaking in his new Greenday one, but Brit and I were having none of it. 3 doors down was staying. Hehe, we won too. Oh, and we ended up singing into a concealer stick and a nail filer on the highway, as our microphones, to them, too, lol. It was soooo much fun, doing all those poses and everything with our "microphones", lol. We then went for Japanese food, where we ordered a lot of rolls, and chicken on a stick, lol. The California rolls were the BEST. Even though I was fighting with my damn chopsticks. I didn't get the hang of them, until one of the nice waiters brought out cheating ones, which turned out to be a waste because I was intent on learning how to use the chop sticks! A few things broke apart and flung onto the table, but, hey, I gave it most of my all. And stubbornness. Hehe. Then we walked over to Barnes and Noble. I got a book for healing your spirit; improving your life, lol, and two cards. The book is more of a useful read than anything. Maybe I can pick up some pointers! After that, we got Ice cream at Coldstone, and I didn't want any. I had no stomach for it all of a sudden, like my appetite went completely away, and a rock felt like it had been dropped in the bottom of my stomach. That was around ten, I think. We didn't get back till like 10:30. Brit had to study for finals, and we're hanging again Thursday, so far. In the car on the way back, I was fighting back tearing eyes, and focusing on the two of them talking about how much they liked their ice cream, forcing myself to ignore the knot in my throat, smiling like nothing was wrong, forcing my eyes to brighten. And then when I got back to Alisha's, I put my stuff away, and sat on the couch. I started thinking about everything, and that was it. I went up into Alisha's room since she was on the computer, turned on the TV, and just cried silently for a few minutes. Pretty hard, I guess. All the shit bottled up after all this time, is coming out in little bouts, I guess. And everyday, I'm feeling more and more alone. Like things are falling apart. I'm thinking about going away for a few weeks this summer. Two weeks in Boston with my Uncle David, and then two with my brother, Tiffany, and the baby. I don't have anything to keep me here, right? No one really cares whether I stay or not, nobody WANTS me to stay. Nobody cares. I can just go out on my own, clear my head. Get away. I have nothing to keep me here, do I? I mean I have friends, yes, but would anyone actually ask me to stay because they wanted to see me? No, not really. I don't really have people like that, since I'm sooo closed up. So, the numbers are dwindling, and I feel like no one really cares about me. And it does hurt, I'll be honest. It does. But, like I said, that's my own doing.
Ah, the angst of me!
Later.
Oh, one more quick thing, Dennis, my Uncle, ran into his half-brother Joel, at a hospital, and asked him if he knew a Marsanca, and Joel replied, "Yes, he's my father, you know him?" Dennis replied, "Yeah, I'm your brother." He then went on to find out that my Great Grandmother is still alive, and my Grandfather, is here. So now he may want to go see them, and I'm going to tag along. If you read other entries, or you know me, then you know what a big deal this is to me. I thought I would have to track them down when I was older, or that it would never happen, and now look. It just might. Weird. First my father, now this. What else? And my mother says she wants to pick me up on Friday, and take me home to the condo. Fuck, no. First of all, she isn't even supposed to drive, and her trial is soon, and she doesn't know what's going to happen. The woman isn't logical, and doesn't listen. I don't know if I want to go back, and she literally can't force me to. So, it's up to me. Maybe I'll end up getting a place here in Milford with my father, like he offered to do if that's what I want. I don't think I really want that either. But, what other options do I have?
<3
Kat
Anyway, that was one of my tangents. Still not done with it, but I'll get back to it later, like I said. Dammit, there's just sooo much roving around inside of me, that I really DON'T know where the hell to start, or how I'm going to get it all out. I hate this, soooo, sooo, sooo, much. You have no idea. How about I start with more recent things? Well, guys are confusing, and odd, and my mother is fucked up, and my best friend treats me like shit sometimes, and everything really feels like it's gone off the rictor scale. And I've ended up all alone, like usual. Nothing new. And that's okay. Okay, fine. No more bullshitting. It's not okay. Nothing with me is OKAY right now, not a thing. Not one, tiny, insy-weensey, thing. I feel like I'm being pulled tight inside, like I'm dying. Ah, shit. I have to go. Alisha is back. I'll pick this up later. Laters.
~*~
Hey, back now. It's 12:08 in the morning, and I'm being annoyed by Alisha's mom's snoring. But, hey, everyone's entitled to snore, I guess. Her mom's a nice lady. Well, how about I summarize the events of today? Well, after my father came to get me, that is. Well, he came, chatted up Alisha's stepfather for about ten minutes, and then we left to go get Miss Brittany. After getting her, we debated what to do after we got minutes for my cell phone (which no one ever calls, and I'm thinking about keeping off, because the only calls I get are from my mother trying to fuck with me, and my father calling every ten seconds to say hi, and then me getting disappointed when it's one of them and not someone else, and I'm not getting into that. I'm just so sick of all this shit. Looks like I'm thinking about going into hiding, huh? To nurse my wounds alone, like always? That's probably right. Why the hell can I never leave things alone, and scare people off? Grr. I'm so sick of fighting with my mother on the phone and this fucking depression I've been in since she tried bringing up me going back to that hellhole with her. And I'm sooo worried about Angel, and I need to get a job, and if I even DID go back to the Condo, how would I get to my job? And I just can't go back there. Oh, and I need to get a damn car, start taking care of things. All on my own. I'm so sick of me whining that I have no one that really cares about me, when that's my own doing, since I push/scare them all away...and I'm really starting to hate myself now! Can't one thing go right for me, and stay that way, without getting fucked up??) and then got the hair ripped out of my head (waxed brows). We wanted to go to Norwalk to see an IMAX movie about The Nile and it's history (And that seemed like it would be soooo interesting too!), only to find out that it was closed. So, then we decided to go to Greatest Games or whatever the place is called in North Haven, and go Gokarting. Let's just say, my steering and everything was perfect, but it was my first time and I sucked, but it was FUN!!!! Then we got food from inside, watched ppl play in the batting cages and the golf field. Then went mini-golfing...nineteen holes. Brittany was attacking her ball, and it always seemed to hit ME or MY ball, and my ball went into the waterfall and bushes a couple of times, my father's never did once. He hit me with his club, playing around, at one time, and I turned around and poked him with mine in his ribs. Not too gently either. Oops. 0:-) Yesterday, for Father's day, Alisha, her family, and I went to Outback, where he was working, so as we were eating, he was bringing all these ppl to the table, and introducing them to me. So, in between bites, I was trying to swallow and say hi, and shake hands. Ah, imagine that. And I found out that my father talks about me a lot there. Good things, lol. And then he told me today that they were all saying I was gorgeous, even some of the "girls that never give compliments", and he said that to me, all pride-like, lol. And then they asked what happened to him. I thought that part was a little funny. And I'm not gorgeous, but maybe NOT ugly. Someone recently has been making me see myself a little differently. I dunno if that's a good thing or a bad thing or an amazing thing, 'cause you guys know me and my opinion about my looks. But, whatever. I refuse to obsess over it. Anywayz, after we finished mini-golf, we went gokarting one more time, and I had so much on my damn mind, that I actually stopped in the middle of the track for a full second before I realized it. Geese. Talk about absent-minded. After that, we drove around, fighting with my father about what CD we were listening to. He tried sneaking in his new Greenday one, but Brit and I were having none of it. 3 doors down was staying. Hehe, we won too. Oh, and we ended up singing into a concealer stick and a nail filer on the highway, as our microphones, to them, too, lol. It was soooo much fun, doing all those poses and everything with our "microphones", lol. We then went for Japanese food, where we ordered a lot of rolls, and chicken on a stick, lol. The California rolls were the BEST. Even though I was fighting with my damn chopsticks. I didn't get the hang of them, until one of the nice waiters brought out cheating ones, which turned out to be a waste because I was intent on learning how to use the chop sticks! A few things broke apart and flung onto the table, but, hey, I gave it most of my all. And stubbornness. Hehe. Then we walked over to Barnes and Noble. I got a book for healing your spirit; improving your life, lol, and two cards. The book is more of a useful read than anything. Maybe I can pick up some pointers! After that, we got Ice cream at Coldstone, and I didn't want any. I had no stomach for it all of a sudden, like my appetite went completely away, and a rock felt like it had been dropped in the bottom of my stomach. That was around ten, I think. We didn't get back till like 10:30. Brit had to study for finals, and we're hanging again Thursday, so far. In the car on the way back, I was fighting back tearing eyes, and focusing on the two of them talking about how much they liked their ice cream, forcing myself to ignore the knot in my throat, smiling like nothing was wrong, forcing my eyes to brighten. And then when I got back to Alisha's, I put my stuff away, and sat on the couch. I started thinking about everything, and that was it. I went up into Alisha's room since she was on the computer, turned on the TV, and just cried silently for a few minutes. Pretty hard, I guess. All the shit bottled up after all this time, is coming out in little bouts, I guess. And everyday, I'm feeling more and more alone. Like things are falling apart. I'm thinking about going away for a few weeks this summer. Two weeks in Boston with my Uncle David, and then two with my brother, Tiffany, and the baby. I don't have anything to keep me here, right? No one really cares whether I stay or not, nobody WANTS me to stay. Nobody cares. I can just go out on my own, clear my head. Get away. I have nothing to keep me here, do I? I mean I have friends, yes, but would anyone actually ask me to stay because they wanted to see me? No, not really. I don't really have people like that, since I'm sooo closed up. So, the numbers are dwindling, and I feel like no one really cares about me. And it does hurt, I'll be honest. It does. But, like I said, that's my own doing.
Ah, the angst of me!
Later.
Oh, one more quick thing, Dennis, my Uncle, ran into his half-brother Joel, at a hospital, and asked him if he knew a Marsanca, and Joel replied, "Yes, he's my father, you know him?" Dennis replied, "Yeah, I'm your brother." He then went on to find out that my Great Grandmother is still alive, and my Grandfather, is here. So now he may want to go see them, and I'm going to tag along. If you read other entries, or you know me, then you know what a big deal this is to me. I thought I would have to track them down when I was older, or that it would never happen, and now look. It just might. Weird. First my father, now this. What else? And my mother says she wants to pick me up on Friday, and take me home to the condo. Fuck, no. First of all, she isn't even supposed to drive, and her trial is soon, and she doesn't know what's going to happen. The woman isn't logical, and doesn't listen. I don't know if I want to go back, and she literally can't force me to. So, it's up to me. Maybe I'll end up getting a place here in Milford with my father, like he offered to do if that's what I want. I don't think I really want that either. But, what other options do I have?
<3
Kat