Death in the age of Facebook.
I've noticed a startling trend happening in the FB world when someone dies:
Being the first to post about it.
I understand that you're grieving, you're upset, you want people to reach out to you and hold your hand... and this is the way you normally go about getting this kind of attention these days. However, are you thinking before you post?
This morning my friend posted this "I really hope all ive heard is bullshit but fuck if not _____ ______ my brother fuck i love you man dont let this be true please ... I dont wanna have to use those three letters again" which sparked an out cry of responses - mostly of people not knowing their friend had -potentially- passed.
The poster has admitted they don't even know if it is true. So what are they getting from spreading this horrible news?
What this does is spread an awful stomach hollowing panic amongst the people you love, who, I'm sorry, but deserve to find out in a better way.
On a more personal side, when my sister passed last August NO ONE in her direct family posted to facebook and had not informed everyone close who were slowly being called (have you ever called someone to tell them someone you both care about has died? This is not a fast or easy process to deal with) before someone posted the classic "RIP you will be missed" to her facebook page. And then the messages and phone calls start flooding in. I hadn't even left the hospital while I'm getting crying phone calls from people asking me if it's really true.
Two days before she had died (she was in ICU for 5 days) some shmuck who wasn't even close, just a FB friend posted "RIP" with a touching message about how the world will miss her BEFORE SHE HAD EVEN DIED. When I asked him what he was thinking he said he just wanted to express how much of an impact she had had on him. But there were no messages on her wall saying she had died, no other whisper that something wasn't ok on the internet, because we were trying to keep it that way. So why did this guy (who's not even a close friend) feel like it was ok to start the memorials?
There's been a major desensitization regarding death in social media - and that needs to change.
So please, while you are going through the panic, chaos, heart ache and despair of losing your friend, loved one, acquaintance... Please wait a few days after the death before posting about your loss to social media. It is not just your loss, but a community's, and everyone deserves to find out in a more personal way. Where they can talk to someone, cry with someone, learn all the details that are available, and lastly not feel like they weren't important enough for a phone call.
Think about the reasons why you want to post about it. You are not less of a friend for posting or finding out later, you don't need to prove you were in the loop. If you want to tell people about it, call your friends, CALL THEM. If you want someone to reach out and help you through this, maybe opt for a "I got some bad news today, can someone please call me" post. If the family has posted all over their wall turning it into a memorial page, then it is ok to start posting, but please... follow their lead before shouting it out to the world. Sometimes you may be doing more harm than good.
Being the first to post about it.
I understand that you're grieving, you're upset, you want people to reach out to you and hold your hand... and this is the way you normally go about getting this kind of attention these days. However, are you thinking before you post?
This morning my friend posted this "I really hope all ive heard is bullshit but fuck if not _____ ______ my brother fuck i love you man dont let this be true please ... I dont wanna have to use those three letters again" which sparked an out cry of responses - mostly of people not knowing their friend had -potentially- passed.
The poster has admitted they don't even know if it is true. So what are they getting from spreading this horrible news?
What this does is spread an awful stomach hollowing panic amongst the people you love, who, I'm sorry, but deserve to find out in a better way.
On a more personal side, when my sister passed last August NO ONE in her direct family posted to facebook and had not informed everyone close who were slowly being called (have you ever called someone to tell them someone you both care about has died? This is not a fast or easy process to deal with) before someone posted the classic "RIP you will be missed" to her facebook page. And then the messages and phone calls start flooding in. I hadn't even left the hospital while I'm getting crying phone calls from people asking me if it's really true.
Two days before she had died (she was in ICU for 5 days) some shmuck who wasn't even close, just a FB friend posted "RIP" with a touching message about how the world will miss her BEFORE SHE HAD EVEN DIED. When I asked him what he was thinking he said he just wanted to express how much of an impact she had had on him. But there were no messages on her wall saying she had died, no other whisper that something wasn't ok on the internet, because we were trying to keep it that way. So why did this guy (who's not even a close friend) feel like it was ok to start the memorials?
There's been a major desensitization regarding death in social media - and that needs to change.
So please, while you are going through the panic, chaos, heart ache and despair of losing your friend, loved one, acquaintance... Please wait a few days after the death before posting about your loss to social media. It is not just your loss, but a community's, and everyone deserves to find out in a more personal way. Where they can talk to someone, cry with someone, learn all the details that are available, and lastly not feel like they weren't important enough for a phone call.
Think about the reasons why you want to post about it. You are not less of a friend for posting or finding out later, you don't need to prove you were in the loop. If you want to tell people about it, call your friends, CALL THEM. If you want someone to reach out and help you through this, maybe opt for a "I got some bad news today, can someone please call me" post. If the family has posted all over their wall turning it into a memorial page, then it is ok to start posting, but please... follow their lead before shouting it out to the world. Sometimes you may be doing more harm than good.