[Review] Blood Signs
Right. So I found this terrible book. It is not as terrible as that one book I mentioned about two years ago, because nothing could be that bad, but this one is still bad.
I actually want to find that super terrible first book again so I can fully review it for you guys. It was the one that had a faerie (I think) who left gold glitter trails wherever he went. I think he was something akin to a vampire, and a werewolf was involved as well.
Also there was a guy in a wheelchair you turned into a hawk.
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? Every chapter started with an out-there phobia, I think.
Okay, moving on. Terrible book number two. Blood Signs by Amber Kell. A short 136 page story about a medical student who needs money. How does he get money? Well, by becoming the big bag head vampire's pet and snack bar.
Let me provide to you the amazon synopsis: "Randall is a poor medical student looking for a job. When his roommate Darren tells him all about an easy position with the company he works for, little does he know that he's about to become the favorite blood giver of the toughest vampire in town."
See? Anyway, if you want to read the horror, hit the cut.
My first problem with this book is that it's written from more than one point of view, character wise. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but the jumps are sudden and unexplained. They aren't given separate chapters or anything like that. One second you're reading from Randall's view, the next, Sasha's.
I honestly feel like it's a really cheap way to write. If I can see what's going on in everyone's head, know their motivations before I even wonder about them, it's boring. Show me, don't tell me.
Also, Randall is amazingly okay with the existence of vampires. There's no period of shock or denial. Once he finds out, he's completely cool with it. He lets Sasha bite him (without knowing he'll get paid for it) and then tries to refuse the payment when it's given to him.
The whole point behind him coming to the club (he didn't know what was going to happen, only that he'd get money out of it), was, duh, for cash. Also Sasha is supposed to be the head honcho, has never loved in his long, long existence, and never feeds on the same person twice.
Obviously, this all changes when he meets Randall.
Randall, you see, is diabetic. This apparently makes him quite the treat blood-wise. But oh no, it doesn't stop there! That would be too good a point to stop at, so the author also made him partially psychic.
This makes his blood, like, sweet, sweet golden nectar. Even though the extent of his psychic-ness is that he can sense if people are communicating telepathically around him. I haven't finished the book (don't know if I will, to be honest) but it's never explained why he could have this ability, or why it would make his blood better.
His blood is basically a Mary Sue.
So about this diabetic thing. They mention it. A lot. They can't stop mentioning it. Being diabetic and an apparent photographic memory are repeated constantly. Like, on the the same page kind of constantly.
But we'll talk about the diabeetus first. Let me list to you the mentions of it.
Page 4. Context: Darren's, Randall's roommate, trying to get him into the vampire club. The bouncer calls Darren out on being late (turns out he's blood-giver too).
Darren gave him a nervous smile, shifting from foot to foot. "But I brought my friend with me. He's diabetic."
Randy wondered what being diabetic had to do with the job.
Darren's words must be magic, because the bouncer's demeanor changes instantly and he welcomes them in.
Here's page 6, when Randall is first introduced to the mighty Sasha. Who touch my Sasha?
"This is my roommate, Randall. He needs a job, but his studies are too heavy for a regular schedule. I thought he'd be good at this one, since he's diabetic."
Diabetic. Yummm.
Sasha thought the kid looked good before but now he was a dessert waiting to happen and Sasha had a mean sweet tooth.
Hear that folks? Yummm. And as you can see, we've switched to Sasha's point of view.
On the same page we find out about the psychic stuff as Sasha tries to get Darren to shoo, fly, shoo.
Sasha sent a mental push at Darren, surprised when Randall jumped.
"What was that?" Randall asked, looking around.
Amazing! His new snack had a bit of the psychic in him. Only someone who had psychic abilities could feel a vampire push that wasn't directed at them. A diabetic psychic would win top dollar at a blood-giver auction.
We make it to page 20 before he have to be reminded that Randall is a diabetic. (Well, that's only half true. He eats chocolate to stabilize his blood sugar and the like between 6 and 20, but no one says the d word.)
Here we meet Liam, who is now going to be Randall's chauffeur. You see, Sasha and Randall have signed a contract that gives Sasha full rights to his blood. No sharing allowed. This somehow means that he also dictates who Randall hangs out with, talks to, looks at, gets food from, and takes rides from. Talk about a control freak.
Anyway, let's learn a bit about Liam.
The person on the other side of the door wasn't his idea of a driver. His nose was pierced, his neon pink tee-shirt was so tight it outlined the rings through his nipples and a tattoo peeked out above the collar. He'd be willing to bet his father's farm that the guy wasn't wearing any underwear beneath those pants.
"You'd win that bet," the guy said, his eyes flashing silver as he took in Randall's appearance. "Fuck, you're gorgeous. No wonder Sasha had you all signed up and sealed before he gave the rest of us a chance to see you." The vampire closed his eyes and breathed. "Oh, don't you dare tell me."
"Tell you what?" Randall wasn't too proud to say he was completely out of his league.
"Are you a diabetic?"
"Yeah."
"There isn't any magic in your blood, is there?" The guy was practically panting.
But of course there is. Randall's got 'a bit of the psychic' in him. Liam, despite dressing strangely for a chauffeur and being a huge, unabashed flirt, is probably the best character as far as I can tell. He's actually likable, has a personality, and doesn't make you want to pull your hair out. Also, he utters this line on page 21:
"It's not a problem unless you just met the diabetic, sun-kissed god of your dreams."
He's so wonderfully dramatic in a story where people try to be so serious you can't help but like him.
Since I could fill this review with how many times diabetic/diabetes comes up, let me start listing them without comment.
Two instances on page 25:
"He's also diabetic," he couldn't resist bragging.
"I'd pretend to be surprised, but if I had a diabetic psychic, I'd be claiming him, too."
Page 31, being terribly self-aware.
"Did I mention he's diabetic?"
Page 33
"I kind of have to be. One way to control my diabetes it to watch everything I eat."
Page 45
"Randall has only been my boy for a few days. He's also diabetic."
Page 54
"I've been doing some research and some of the werekin can sense when a diabetic's sugar levels are low."
Page 65
"For those of you who don't know, Mr. Stewart is diabetic."
Page 70
"I knew that diabetic dog story was bullshit."
But then that's it. No more diabetic talk (which is a good thing, mind you). Maybe it stopped because his photographic memory was so interesting. I think that may be the case.
Page 12
[...] his memory was so close to photographic. It was an amazing place to visit.
Page 39
At times like this is helped to have a photographic memory.
Page 49
Luckily he had a photographic memory.
Page 51
"I have a photographic memory, it works to my advantage."
Did you guys know Randall has a photo graphic memory? Did you? Did you?
More on Sasha now. As far as I can tell, it is never mentioned why Sasha is the head honcho. There's no explanation for this position, and while he has angry mood swings from time to time, he more or less acts like a lovey-dovey puppy around Randall.
The attraction between Randall and Sasha is instant. There's no build up, it simply is. It's like if you met some handsome guy or gorgeous gal and decided right then and there, that despite never being in love before, this is definitely your soul mate.
Sasha's pet name for Randall is moyo solnyshko, which is Russian for 'my sun.' It is hinted throughout that Sasha is Russian. I can only wonder why he doesn't call Randall solynshko moyo, as that is the grammatically correct way to go.
It's not a bad pet name by any stretch, but it's used so often it loses all meaning. It first appears on page 32, and is used by an inquiring vampire named Harris.
"He is your solnyshko?" Harris asked.
A light went off in Sasha's mind. "Yes, he is moyo solnyshko."
Page 36
"He is moyo solnyshko. Randall Stewart."
Page 48
"You are Sasha's moyo solnyshko."
Now that one confuses me. I assume 'moyo' means 'my.' So that sentence says 'You are Sasha's my sunshine.'
Page 60
"Relax, moyo solnyshko."
It goes on and on. Randall is Sasha's sun. That's fine, but why does everyone feel the need to say it so often? And generally using the same sentence structure?
As for the biting itself, it leaves a lot to be desired. Biting is generally supposed to be sensual when it comes to vampires. In this book it's supposed to be sexy without explanation or description. Like in this scene on page 60.
Just as he was adjusting to the feel of his lover's body, Sasha struck.
Fangs pierced Randall's neck, making a hot sex session go nuclear.
It was like having a full body orgasm.
How lovely. Nuclear sex sessions. I'm surprised that phrase doesn't get used more, it sounds so enjoyable.
Vampires, in this book, can bond. They do it through sex. This can be deadly. This is not disclosed until after Sasha and Randall have sex, and Randall starts to die in an unpleasant, fiery-feeling manner.
You think that if Sasha loved Randall so much, that if he was the sun and something Sasha couldn't live without, he might give Randall a head's up. No such luck there, of course.
Randall is okay with it, somehow. He's okay with almost dying, having his life controlled, and all that stuff. This is normal to him. You think someone who finds out that vampires are real, gets bitten, has sex with one and nearly dies because of it would be marginally upset.
I wish this book was about Liam and his sweet nipple rings. He wouldn't take that shit from anyone. He'd run them over with his limo and then start backin' up, backin' up, backin' up, backin' up. 'Cause his daddy taught him good.
To keep an eye on Randall (and his blood sugar), Sasha hires a werekin. Basically a werewolf that can change whenever they please. His name is Dustin, he turns into a big white dog, and he follows Randall pretty much everywhere including school. Sasha speaks previously with the Dean and assures him Randall needs the dog.
Every figure of authority, from the police, to detectives, to professors, know who Sasha is. I don't know why. Even Randall thinks it's weird. These people do whatever they can to stay on Sash's good side. Because you know, Sasha's all big and bad. It's just never explained why.
As it turns out, literally everyone who is not Randall knows vampires exist, which is ridiculous. It's like there was a conspiracy to stop him from finding out, perpetrated by everyone he has ever met.
While returning to his dorm room, Dustin the wonder dog decides it's not okay to let Randall go through the door. There's a funky smell coming from inside. Putting two and two together, Randall gets five Randall calls the police.
Turns out Darren is dead. Murdered, in fact. It was kind of at this point I turned the lights off and went to bed. I think I'll finish tonight but who knows.
This is ridiculous. Boy gets job as snack bar, has sex, almost dies, goes to school, roommate gets killed. Throw a dog in there somewhere and you have this book. Be sure to reference the character's diabetes and status as a sun a whole friggin' lot.
This book.
Double Edit: jasper_child thinks this must be a really bad Russia/America fanfic. Let's make it that, shall we?
"Delivered safe and sound," England said with a bow.
America walked around him, shaking his head and looking hotter than Russia thought was possible.
"You are a walking temptation, my sweet," he said before he could help himself.
America gave him a delighted smile. "You like?" America asked before pirouetting before him and wiggling his ass. "I always think food tastes better if it looks good."
Russia threw back his head and laughed. "You are dismissed, England. Thank you for bringing America safely here."
"My pleasure." England leered at America. "Entirely mine."
Russia leapt across the table and grabbed England by the neck, pinning the vampire to the wall.
America pulled ineffectually at his arm. "Behave, Russia! He didn't mean anything by it; he was just having a little fun."
Russia shook England a bit before setting the other vampire on the floor.
I think that made it worse. A lot worse.
Edit: I just realized how cool a book about Sasha Nein would be. That also leads me to realize Sasha can be a dude name.
I actually want to find that super terrible first book again so I can fully review it for you guys. It was the one that had a faerie (I think) who left gold glitter trails wherever he went. I think he was something akin to a vampire, and a werewolf was involved as well.
Also there was a guy in a wheelchair you turned into a hawk.
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? Every chapter started with an out-there phobia, I think.
Okay, moving on. Terrible book number two. Blood Signs by Amber Kell. A short 136 page story about a medical student who needs money. How does he get money? Well, by becoming the big bag head vampire's pet and snack bar.
Let me provide to you the amazon synopsis: "Randall is a poor medical student looking for a job. When his roommate Darren tells him all about an easy position with the company he works for, little does he know that he's about to become the favorite blood giver of the toughest vampire in town."
See? Anyway, if you want to read the horror, hit the cut.
My first problem with this book is that it's written from more than one point of view, character wise. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but the jumps are sudden and unexplained. They aren't given separate chapters or anything like that. One second you're reading from Randall's view, the next, Sasha's.
I honestly feel like it's a really cheap way to write. If I can see what's going on in everyone's head, know their motivations before I even wonder about them, it's boring. Show me, don't tell me.
Also, Randall is amazingly okay with the existence of vampires. There's no period of shock or denial. Once he finds out, he's completely cool with it. He lets Sasha bite him (without knowing he'll get paid for it) and then tries to refuse the payment when it's given to him.
The whole point behind him coming to the club (he didn't know what was going to happen, only that he'd get money out of it), was, duh, for cash. Also Sasha is supposed to be the head honcho, has never loved in his long, long existence, and never feeds on the same person twice.
Obviously, this all changes when he meets Randall.
Randall, you see, is diabetic. This apparently makes him quite the treat blood-wise. But oh no, it doesn't stop there! That would be too good a point to stop at, so the author also made him partially psychic.
This makes his blood, like, sweet, sweet golden nectar. Even though the extent of his psychic-ness is that he can sense if people are communicating telepathically around him. I haven't finished the book (don't know if I will, to be honest) but it's never explained why he could have this ability, or why it would make his blood better.
His blood is basically a Mary Sue.
So about this diabetic thing. They mention it. A lot. They can't stop mentioning it. Being diabetic and an apparent photographic memory are repeated constantly. Like, on the the same page kind of constantly.
But we'll talk about the diabeetus first. Let me list to you the mentions of it.
Page 4. Context: Darren's, Randall's roommate, trying to get him into the vampire club. The bouncer calls Darren out on being late (turns out he's blood-giver too).
Darren gave him a nervous smile, shifting from foot to foot. "But I brought my friend with me. He's diabetic."
Randy wondered what being diabetic had to do with the job.
Darren's words must be magic, because the bouncer's demeanor changes instantly and he welcomes them in.
Here's page 6, when Randall is first introduced to the mighty Sasha. Who touch my Sasha?
"This is my roommate, Randall. He needs a job, but his studies are too heavy for a regular schedule. I thought he'd be good at this one, since he's diabetic."
Diabetic. Yummm.
Sasha thought the kid looked good before but now he was a dessert waiting to happen and Sasha had a mean sweet tooth.
Hear that folks? Yummm. And as you can see, we've switched to Sasha's point of view.
On the same page we find out about the psychic stuff as Sasha tries to get Darren to shoo, fly, shoo.
Sasha sent a mental push at Darren, surprised when Randall jumped.
"What was that?" Randall asked, looking around.
Amazing! His new snack had a bit of the psychic in him. Only someone who had psychic abilities could feel a vampire push that wasn't directed at them. A diabetic psychic would win top dollar at a blood-giver auction.
We make it to page 20 before he have to be reminded that Randall is a diabetic. (Well, that's only half true. He eats chocolate to stabilize his blood sugar and the like between 6 and 20, but no one says the d word.)
Here we meet Liam, who is now going to be Randall's chauffeur. You see, Sasha and Randall have signed a contract that gives Sasha full rights to his blood. No sharing allowed. This somehow means that he also dictates who Randall hangs out with, talks to, looks at, gets food from, and takes rides from. Talk about a control freak.
Anyway, let's learn a bit about Liam.
The person on the other side of the door wasn't his idea of a driver. His nose was pierced, his neon pink tee-shirt was so tight it outlined the rings through his nipples and a tattoo peeked out above the collar. He'd be willing to bet his father's farm that the guy wasn't wearing any underwear beneath those pants.
"You'd win that bet," the guy said, his eyes flashing silver as he took in Randall's appearance. "Fuck, you're gorgeous. No wonder Sasha had you all signed up and sealed before he gave the rest of us a chance to see you." The vampire closed his eyes and breathed. "Oh, don't you dare tell me."
"Tell you what?" Randall wasn't too proud to say he was completely out of his league.
"Are you a diabetic?"
"Yeah."
"There isn't any magic in your blood, is there?" The guy was practically panting.
But of course there is. Randall's got 'a bit of the psychic' in him. Liam, despite dressing strangely for a chauffeur and being a huge, unabashed flirt, is probably the best character as far as I can tell. He's actually likable, has a personality, and doesn't make you want to pull your hair out. Also, he utters this line on page 21:
"It's not a problem unless you just met the diabetic, sun-kissed god of your dreams."
He's so wonderfully dramatic in a story where people try to be so serious you can't help but like him.
Since I could fill this review with how many times diabetic/diabetes comes up, let me start listing them without comment.
Two instances on page 25:
"He's also diabetic," he couldn't resist bragging.
"I'd pretend to be surprised, but if I had a diabetic psychic, I'd be claiming him, too."
Page 31, being terribly self-aware.
"Did I mention he's diabetic?"
Page 33
"I kind of have to be. One way to control my diabetes it to watch everything I eat."
Page 45
"Randall has only been my boy for a few days. He's also diabetic."
Page 54
"I've been doing some research and some of the werekin can sense when a diabetic's sugar levels are low."
Page 65
"For those of you who don't know, Mr. Stewart is diabetic."
Page 70
"I knew that diabetic dog story was bullshit."
But then that's it. No more diabetic talk (which is a good thing, mind you). Maybe it stopped because his photographic memory was so interesting. I think that may be the case.
Page 12
[...] his memory was so close to photographic. It was an amazing place to visit.
Page 39
At times like this is helped to have a photographic memory.
Page 49
Luckily he had a photographic memory.
Page 51
"I have a photographic memory, it works to my advantage."
Did you guys know Randall has a photo graphic memory? Did you? Did you?
More on Sasha now. As far as I can tell, it is never mentioned why Sasha is the head honcho. There's no explanation for this position, and while he has angry mood swings from time to time, he more or less acts like a lovey-dovey puppy around Randall.
The attraction between Randall and Sasha is instant. There's no build up, it simply is. It's like if you met some handsome guy or gorgeous gal and decided right then and there, that despite never being in love before, this is definitely your soul mate.
Sasha's pet name for Randall is moyo solnyshko, which is Russian for 'my sun.' It is hinted throughout that Sasha is Russian. I can only wonder why he doesn't call Randall solynshko moyo, as that is the grammatically correct way to go.
It's not a bad pet name by any stretch, but it's used so often it loses all meaning. It first appears on page 32, and is used by an inquiring vampire named Harris.
"He is your solnyshko?" Harris asked.
A light went off in Sasha's mind. "Yes, he is moyo solnyshko."
Page 36
"He is moyo solnyshko. Randall Stewart."
Page 48
"You are Sasha's moyo solnyshko."
Now that one confuses me. I assume 'moyo' means 'my.' So that sentence says 'You are Sasha's my sunshine.'
Page 60
"Relax, moyo solnyshko."
It goes on and on. Randall is Sasha's sun. That's fine, but why does everyone feel the need to say it so often? And generally using the same sentence structure?
As for the biting itself, it leaves a lot to be desired. Biting is generally supposed to be sensual when it comes to vampires. In this book it's supposed to be sexy without explanation or description. Like in this scene on page 60.
Just as he was adjusting to the feel of his lover's body, Sasha struck.
Fangs pierced Randall's neck, making a hot sex session go nuclear.
It was like having a full body orgasm.
How lovely. Nuclear sex sessions. I'm surprised that phrase doesn't get used more, it sounds so enjoyable.
Vampires, in this book, can bond. They do it through sex. This can be deadly. This is not disclosed until after Sasha and Randall have sex, and Randall starts to die in an unpleasant, fiery-feeling manner.
You think that if Sasha loved Randall so much, that if he was the sun and something Sasha couldn't live without, he might give Randall a head's up. No such luck there, of course.
Randall is okay with it, somehow. He's okay with almost dying, having his life controlled, and all that stuff. This is normal to him. You think someone who finds out that vampires are real, gets bitten, has sex with one and nearly dies because of it would be marginally upset.
I wish this book was about Liam and his sweet nipple rings. He wouldn't take that shit from anyone. He'd run them over with his limo and then start backin' up, backin' up, backin' up, backin' up. 'Cause his daddy taught him good.
To keep an eye on Randall (and his blood sugar), Sasha hires a werekin. Basically a werewolf that can change whenever they please. His name is Dustin, he turns into a big white dog, and he follows Randall pretty much everywhere including school. Sasha speaks previously with the Dean and assures him Randall needs the dog.
Every figure of authority, from the police, to detectives, to professors, know who Sasha is. I don't know why. Even Randall thinks it's weird. These people do whatever they can to stay on Sash's good side. Because you know, Sasha's all big and bad. It's just never explained why.
As it turns out, literally everyone who is not Randall knows vampires exist, which is ridiculous. It's like there was a conspiracy to stop him from finding out, perpetrated by everyone he has ever met.
While returning to his dorm room, Dustin the wonder dog decides it's not okay to let Randall go through the door. There's a funky smell coming from inside. Putting two and two together, Randall gets five Randall calls the police.
Turns out Darren is dead. Murdered, in fact. It was kind of at this point I turned the lights off and went to bed. I think I'll finish tonight but who knows.
This is ridiculous. Boy gets job as snack bar, has sex, almost dies, goes to school, roommate gets killed. Throw a dog in there somewhere and you have this book. Be sure to reference the character's diabetes and status as a sun a whole friggin' lot.
This book.
Double Edit: jasper_child thinks this must be a really bad Russia/America fanfic. Let's make it that, shall we?
"Delivered safe and sound," England said with a bow.
America walked around him, shaking his head and looking hotter than Russia thought was possible.
"You are a walking temptation, my sweet," he said before he could help himself.
America gave him a delighted smile. "You like?" America asked before pirouetting before him and wiggling his ass. "I always think food tastes better if it looks good."
Russia threw back his head and laughed. "You are dismissed, England. Thank you for bringing America safely here."
"My pleasure." England leered at America. "Entirely mine."
Russia leapt across the table and grabbed England by the neck, pinning the vampire to the wall.
America pulled ineffectually at his arm. "Behave, Russia! He didn't mean anything by it; he was just having a little fun."
Russia shook England a bit before setting the other vampire on the floor.
I think that made it worse. A lot worse.
Edit: I just realized how cool a book about Sasha Nein would be. That also leads me to realize Sasha can be a dude name.