Computer Journal Entry 7.01.06
July 1st 2006
I don’t know why but yesterday I suddenly got sad. And today I woke up very thoughtful. I feel like I have something to think about but I couldn’t begin to tell you what it was. Last night on the phone me and Steve talked about things like love and certainty and regrets (mine at least) and a number of other subjects serious and not so serious. He has a way of calming my nerves. But at the same time he is at least related to some of the stress I feel. Mostly I worry about Grandma. And Shannon and what Shannon is thinking. Not that I care what he is thinking, but I do care if he is thinking something that involves me and I worry ever so slightly that one day something bad is going to happen if I live here to long and he gets to drunk one night. I don’t think he would ever hurt me. Call me names more than likely. But I’ve never trusted drunks, and I’ve rarely trusted men so the combination is intimidating to me. I can not describe the dread I feel. I’m not even sure where it is coming from. Right now I can say it’s not Shannon that has my nerves on edge. Right now I can say its not worried about a job because I have one starting very soon. Right now I can say it’s not even Susan because they are on the right track and after last night’s dinner and pie I think it’s safe to say that Jeremy was a little more grateful. But there is SOMETHING that is making me nervous and a little scared and I don’t know what it is. I wish I knew what it was because than I could either try and fix it or realize there is nothing I can do about it. There is just something in the air that has me uneasy and I wish I knew what it was.
Yesterday’s dinner was absolutely wonderful. We made chicken enchiladas and guacamole and salad and pintos with cheese and two apple pies. All of it homemade. We spent most of the day cooking. We went to the grocery store in the morning and we spent a good number of hours preparing to be ready after Jeremy got home from work. Oh and we made Spanish rice, that wasn’t homemade, that came out of a box, but was still yummy. ^_^ The boys were very happy. I could picture me and Suzy being little old biddies together making cookies for grand kids and quilting little blankets together on a couple of rocking chairs. And I can honestly say that was a happy picture.
I never pictured myself the home maker even though I do enjoy cooking. I think cooking is fun. The best part is eating something that is really good and everyone just loves what you made. I like to quilt and read. Suzy likes to crochet and read. And I know she never pictured herself as a house wife. But I think we both have people we would like to do that for. *sigh* I am so far gone.
I want to talk about Steve and how wonderful yesterday was. I want to talk about how much fun I had all day with Susan laughing and cooking and tossing flour at each other. I wanna talk about my new job or how I slept last night or a dream I had. But I can not shake this feeling of dread. And it is driving all other thoughts out of my mind. I will close for now. Mostly likely I will write more tonight before bed. Goodnight. And just in case.
Much Love,
Hai
Hello again its about 9:30-ish. Today was hard to leave Steve’s house. I just dreaded coming back to Grandma’s. I told Steve about Rob. I told him about that year in Florida going to bed afraid every night. I told him about what used to happen. And how Rob used to treat us. He asked me to tell him. So I did. But I don’t think he was ready quite for that. I don’t think I was quite ready to tell the story either. His hands were shaking he was so angry and we both ended up crying. I’ve seen him cry before, and he’s seen me cry before but I don’t we’ve ever both been crying just sitting there. It was a mixture of sad and happiness. I was sad because I had Rob in the back of my head throwing punches. And I was happy because Steve was doing his best to make me smile. He is good at making me smile. He can even make me turn red when he wants. It’s horribly unfair.
If all my dreams come true, and everything I hope for happens the way I hope it happens, here is my life in 5 years:
I will wake up with his arm around me and kiss his nose until he wakes up. If that doesn’t work I can always try to tickle him. If neither of those work I simply go to the kitchen and start making breakfast. Hopefully the smell of french toast will entice him to wake up. He will go off to work prolly all grumpy about having to leave. And I will spend an hour or two finishing up the breakfast dishes and catching up on laundry. I would call Susan and arrange what we wanted to make for our Friday meal. Either go to Susan’s or Susan would come to my house and we would bake and cook whatever it was we were making and spend the left over time with our blankets and laughing about whose husband was going to eat the most. By then Susan should have a rugrat, who knows, I might even have one by then. Dinner would be fun and happy the 4 (or more) of us always have such a wonderful time talking and laughing. Jeremy sometimes pulls out his guitar and we must have spent 2 hours singing rock-a-billy and hymns. It was so much fun. And at night we could stay up late knowing we didn’t have to wake up early the next morning. And I would get to fall asleep in arms only to wake up in them the next morning. I don’t want a lot really. I want a simple and happy life.
I really don’t ask for a lot. I’ve spent my life on welfare and SSI. Being poor for the rest of my life wouldn’t really bug me. I’ve spent my life taking in strays and being a stray and giving my last dollar or can of food to someone else, that wouldn’t bother me. I’ve spent years of my life comforting children that were not mine and trying to tell them that they aren’t alone and that they are loved. Dealing with more children wouldn’t bother me at all. All I want is to be happy. I want to feel safe. I don’t want to go to bed afraid. I don’t want to wake up in the night paranoid about a sound that is only the dog. I want to spend my life with my friends and family and I want to spend more time smiling than crying. I know I’m going to have an argument with Steve sooner or later. I know he is going to have a habit or two that annoy me. I know there are going to be days when I don’t wanna crawl outta bed. But I also know there are going to be days when I want to sing I will be so happy. I’m going to rock my kids to sleep singing them songs. I’m going to bake cookies, which is something my mother never taught me. I’m going to my kids concerts or games or fairs or whatever it is they are interested in. I’m going to be happy. I knew it somewhere in the back of my head but Steve made me actually believe that I deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be struck. I don’t deserve to be treated badly. Life is hard, believe me I know. But it doesn’t have to be miserable. Sometimes the only thing you can do is pick yourself up and keep on trying to move forward. If anyone is an expert on starting over it’s me. And all I want is a little corner to call my own in this world. I don’t want a fancy car or a huge mansion. I don’t want a state of the art computer or anything like that. All I want is a simple home. I really don’t think it’s that much to ask for. Although in this world almost everything seems like it is to much to ask for.
This reminds me.... Steve has his little list of things he was looking for in a woman. I suppose I had my own list of what I wanted in a man, but it seems rather short, at least to me it does. I wanted someone who was a Christian. Someone who genuinely loved me and cared about me. Someone would didn’t smoke or get drunk and someone who I never ever had to worry about raising a hand to me. Everything else are just perks. He likes Star Trek. He’s good with computers. He’s a gamer. He’s sweet and polite. He’s silly. He makes me laugh and smile with ease. We don’t share our opinion on everything but we seem to agree to disagree. He rolls his eyes and sighs and says, “I don’t understand.” And I just kiss him and say, “You don’t have to.” He watched Pride and Prejudice with me twice when I know perfectly well he didn’t want to. But he said sure and acted interested for my sake. He rubs my feet way before I even have a chance to mention they are sore. He knows when I’m upset about something even when I’m trying to act fine. He hasn’t quite figured out how to detect a fake smile, but he’s getting better. He listens to me ramble. He won’t even tell me I’m rambling until an hour passes and I realize that I was talking the entire time. The best part is he actually listens. He’s so helpless when it comes to certain things and I don’t know why but I find it adorable. Children are a totally alien thing to him. It was so cute to watch him try to talk to children at VBS. It was even better when he got a couple of them to actually listen for more than 5 minutes in a row. There are a hundred little things that he does that I love. And it’s hard to pin point exactly what I wanted in a husband. But I’m pretty sure I found it in him.
Go on and call me crazy if you want. Tell me it’s going to fast if it would make you feel better. Say anything you want about him or me or us. I really don’t care. I’m to far gone to change my mind. At this point I feel like I am just waiting for him to ask.
Much Love,
Hai