Insomnia is my new worst enemy.
Lately, I simply don't sleep. I think in the last 4 days, I've probably gotten a grand total of 9 hours of sleep. I want to go to bed, I know I need to, but my mind simply will not let me. I'm constantly thinking about any and everything, down to the most minute and insignificant detials. I obsess over the dumbest thoughts, which lead to other thoughts and then those lead to even more unwanted, intrusive and annoying thoughts. I can't sit still long enough to fall asleep. I always feel like I should be doing something productive, but there really isn't much to be done at 2 am on a wednesday.
Maybe it's worry or fear that keeps me wide awake all the time. The constant fear of failure, or well, failing worse than i already have. I worry about how we're going to pay our bills on my less than minimun wage income. Which leads me to think about him and I, and if I stay because i really am in love or I am too afriad to have to figure this all out on my own, knowing full well that financially i can not make it on my own right now. Then I think about an impending break up that at some points (more and more as the days go by) feels so unavoidable. Then I think about being free to do as my little heart desires, like move away to where ever i can afford. I think about a big city and cozy little cheap apt that's all mine. I think about fashion and my love and utter obsession for it and how ever since I was little i've wanted more than anything to be a part of the behind the scenes of that amazing and ever changing industry. that leads me to my career, what should it really be? Should I bother with an associates in administrative if my real passion is for fashion? (pardon the corny ryhme just now. Not intentional.) Then i think that i'm simply choosing adminstrative because it's easy and familiar and comfortable. What is it with me and have this intense urge to leave but also at the same time this total paralyzing fear of what might happen if i actually do ever leave my comfort zone.
As you can see, I'm obviously still stuck in my rut. I am slowly working my way out of it, but it's all just so damn frusterating. I had an interview today at my old high school. I was beyond nervous, which was weird because it was all people I know. I think i just have such high hopes that this one is really going to work out this time. I feel like if i could just get that chance, I could regain some structure and perspective in my life. I might be able to actually sleep at night knowing that i don't have to scrape the quarters out of the bottom of my purse just to pay for a pack of smokes or some gas to get to a job that i hate. I feel comfortable enough to let my heart make whatever descision it decides upon concerning him and i, and won't be as scared to go it alone if it comes down to it. I just need that little bit of control back in my life. I'm totally ok with struggling but these days it doesn't even feel like i have enough energy to fight anymore. Someone throw me a pair of floaties for goodness sake, because I am drowning and i'm having trouble pulling myself out.
Maybe it's worry or fear that keeps me wide awake all the time. The constant fear of failure, or well, failing worse than i already have. I worry about how we're going to pay our bills on my less than minimun wage income. Which leads me to think about him and I, and if I stay because i really am in love or I am too afriad to have to figure this all out on my own, knowing full well that financially i can not make it on my own right now. Then I think about an impending break up that at some points (more and more as the days go by) feels so unavoidable. Then I think about being free to do as my little heart desires, like move away to where ever i can afford. I think about a big city and cozy little cheap apt that's all mine. I think about fashion and my love and utter obsession for it and how ever since I was little i've wanted more than anything to be a part of the behind the scenes of that amazing and ever changing industry. that leads me to my career, what should it really be? Should I bother with an associates in administrative if my real passion is for fashion? (pardon the corny ryhme just now. Not intentional.) Then i think that i'm simply choosing adminstrative because it's easy and familiar and comfortable. What is it with me and have this intense urge to leave but also at the same time this total paralyzing fear of what might happen if i actually do ever leave my comfort zone.
As you can see, I'm obviously still stuck in my rut. I am slowly working my way out of it, but it's all just so damn frusterating. I had an interview today at my old high school. I was beyond nervous, which was weird because it was all people I know. I think i just have such high hopes that this one is really going to work out this time. I feel like if i could just get that chance, I could regain some structure and perspective in my life. I might be able to actually sleep at night knowing that i don't have to scrape the quarters out of the bottom of my purse just to pay for a pack of smokes or some gas to get to a job that i hate. I feel comfortable enough to let my heart make whatever descision it decides upon concerning him and i, and won't be as scared to go it alone if it comes down to it. I just need that little bit of control back in my life. I'm totally ok with struggling but these days it doesn't even feel like i have enough energy to fight anymore. Someone throw me a pair of floaties for goodness sake, because I am drowning and i'm having trouble pulling myself out.