(no subject)
Here are a few examples of some Mitch Hedberg jokes. I tried to limit the amount of jokes on here.... but they are all just too funny, I couldn't help myself. For those of you who don't already know, Mitch Hedberg died on March 30th at the age of 37. He was one of my favorite comedians and I was really sad to hear that he passed away. I'm just glad I had the opportunity to see him perform at my school a while ago. Really, he was one cool dude. There is not much more I can say. Rest in peace Mitch.
"I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
"I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I'll just make a copy."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
http://en.thinkexist.com/quotes/mitch_hedberg/
"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
"And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others."
"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."
"I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?"
"Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right."
"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."
http://members.aol.com/valleygirl1983/mitch.html
"I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
"I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I'll just make a copy."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
http://en.thinkexist.com/quotes/mitch_hedberg/
"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
"And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others."
"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."
"I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?"
"Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right."
"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."
http://members.aol.com/valleygirl1983/mitch.html