Inter-ness: Derby Della Nymphomania: ahh_serie

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Inter-ness: Derby Della Nymphomania

Oct 09, 2012 21:06

(For a small extra fee we will also deliver the manager to your door.)
OK, so this was one of the most turgid derbies of recent years, scoreline-wise, mostly because of Yuto’s getting sent off. (Or, at least, I certainly hope it was.) However, I still think it’s worth a spam if only for Milito and Mexes’s fledgling romance, Cheetos giving Stram the Heimlich and Javi running riot across the pitch attacking goalies. Derbies = Chaos, every time.

Milan 0-1 Inter (Highlights, Guardian MBM)
Goals: Samuel 3’

AC Milan: 32 Abbiati; 25 Bonera (Abate 50), 76 Yepes, 5 Mexes, 2 De Sciglio (Robinho 57); 34 De Jong, 18 Montolivo; 28 Emanuelson, 10 Boateng, 92 El Shaarawy (Pazzini 71); 22 Bojan. Subs not used: 1 Amelia, 59 Gabriel, 8 Nocerino, 13 Acerbi, 16 Flamini, 17 Zapata, 21 Constant, 23 Ambrosini, 77 Antonini. Coach: Massimiliano Allegri.
Inter: 1 Handanovic; 23 Ranocchia, 25 Samuel, 40 Juan Jesus; 4 Zanetti, 21 Gargano, 19 Cambiasso, 55 Nagatomo; 7 Coutinho (Guarin 46); 99 Cassano (Pereira 53), 22 Milito (Palacio 71). Subs not used: 12 Castellazzi, 27 Belec, 6 Silvestre, 16 Mudingayi, 20 Obi, 41 Duncan, 42 Jonathan, 44 Bianchetti, 88 Livaja. Coach: Andrea Stramaccioni.

Let us start off with the fancy ladies in the tribuna. Here’s Simone Ventura.

Satta, wearing too much make-up as usual.

Pazzo’s wife is scaring the shit out of me.

On to the next fancy lady.

I don’t want to know what he’s wearing. The chains on his trews are paining me the most; can we crop them out?

OK, that’s better.

Is that Pirlo beside him? *Flees from her mother*

Yes, Pupi’s former boytoy was there, making much the same contribution to this derby as to the four previous ones.

Meanwhile, the Curva Nord were writing a nice postcard to the Milanisti. (I thought that was an upside-down cross in the middle, but apparently it isn’t. So there we are.)

Eventually, though, they took it down and replaced it with... this. What the hell even is “Funny Summer”? It sound as if it ought to be one of De Laurentiis’s films.

AAAAHHHH

Right, this must be PSG, I assume? Ibra waving goodbye, Leo welcoming them... Blimey, Thiago Silva’s caught a tan. As for the bottom left, is that Cassano and Rino shovelling shit? I won’t ask why.

And this is... Chinese peasants bowing down to Berlusconi? I’m officially lost.

So let us skip the more tasteless banners and learn from these fine people.

Hi, Stram. And The Assistant With The Curly Hair; I find him fascinating.

I think that’s his evil look.

Then chaos broke out and Wu and Handa, for some reason, dissed their mascots’ amazing hair, which just goes to show they have no taste.

Handshaking!

For some reasons, the smudges took two photos of Cassano shaking KPB's hand, like this is a big deal or something.

Maybe it’s because he’s like the only Milan player who’s been at the club for more than a month? Sorry, sorry, won’t bring it up again.

Lineup. Handa is telling that mascot he’s allowed to go to the toilet. Wu can’t see why he has to stand next to Yuto.

Is YOUR goalkeeper Samir Handanovic? I DIDN’T THINK SO.

Yeah, we’re not really missing JC that much.

Part of his match was not too demanding, since he only had to try to ignore Pazzo during his fits of histrionics.

KPB’s shots were rubbish.

Handa’s mortal enemy was, somewhat surprisingly, Monty, who did more than one useful thing and who Tuttomercato made their Milan MOTM.

However, the main problem was that the goalmouth got a bit physical.

(Here is an early practice run involving Emanuelson, who will pop up again in a moment.)

Crunch! There.

Next, Pazzo, perhaps not playing quite by the rules.

Frog, at any rate, is absolutely horrified,

as is Milan Ballboy Who Looks Like Vid. (At least, I hope that isn’t actually Vid. Aren’t we paying him enough? Or has he gone incognito to hide from Pupi? Wise choice.)

And finally, this.

Milan fans: “OMG HOW COULD THE REF HAVE THOUGHT THAT WAS A FOUL?!”

Seriously?

Monty’s goal was duly taken back while Handa argued with Aggro!Bonera. (Yes, it was opposites day at Milan.)

Now. Defenders! First, Juan Jesus.

No, no, wait. There, that's better.

Or “Shrek”, according to this composite image that HE posted of HIMSELF as Shrek and Coutinho as Donkey.

Yep. Even without Maicon and JC, the Inter Brazilian’s contingent’s dork status is entirely secure.

Anyway, to get back to the derby: JJ was better after he was moved to the left, apparently.

Of the people he kicked, Emanuelson was scary, though fortunately he couldn’t finish.

KPB was dire, though JJ Shrek needn’t have given the ball away to him like that.

He also got a giallo from the ugly ref (Napoli and Udine were hogging the fanciable ones) for fouling... someone. The POHMM, employing his usual Stalinist revisionism, hasn’t written down who, and I can’t remember.

Ugly ref: *Ignores Frog and his T-rex arms*

Question: who is pulling the best face here, Frog or Robinho? (Original image)

The amphibian was actually brilliant. (The Guardian man pretty much lost his mind over one of his interventions, and Stram says Frog’s died and been replaced by his better brother. Ow!)

Admittedly, it did sometimes feel as if he spent the whole match ignoring drama queens.

“Erm... later, I’m busy playing football atm.”

“Oh, for god’s sake. Fine, I’ll shake your hand. Now LEAVE ME ALONE.”

How are you, Captain Perfection?

Since the match was on a Sunday, Javi broke a record. He has now played more Milan derbies than any other Inter player. Anyone surprised?

Thought not. When not watching Urby pull silly faces he played on the left or the right as needed, made a heroic run forward in the 80th minute and was generally his usual colossussy self.

(His hair looked a bit worrying, though; this picture must be from just after Naga was sent off.)

And then Bonera sent him arse over teakettle, and smirked about it. Is he filling the leadership void at Milan or something? (He did say sorry, though, so there’s that.)

Javi also disapproved of Allegri’s attitude to the officials.

Ah, no, wait; the ref’s just got something on his collar. Pupi takes these things seriously.

I’m going to guess that Gargano and his neck veins spent the match chugging around like a small, tattooed steam train. Am I right? (Orig image)

Obviously. Did a pretty good job on pod!Monty, apparently.

I find it appropriate that every single picture shows him dashing around busily.

Now for Cheetos, who in this picture doesn’t quite seem to have realised he doesn’t play for Milan any more. Why is he hovering near their bench?

Ah, I see.

Sorry, I expected sanity from you. Forgive me.

As you can see, the photogs spent rather a lot of time snapping Cassano even before he attacked Stram.

And with reason; he’s bloody good whichever team he plays for.

(And insane. But you knew that.)

He was busy winning corners and sticking his tongue out, but couldn’t get near the goal. Not that he was any different from most of Inter in that respect.

(And, though this picture appears to show him taking revenge, I assure you that pod person!Bonera DID try to kill him. But he did that to everyone.)

Then he did this.

Interestingly, his “fire up” move got nearly as much attention as Mourinho did when he did it.

(Though Mourinho’s gut was smaller.)

Then he got bored and decided to show his revue skills off to Cuchu. (Cuchu was unimpressed.)

Anyway, then there was an unfortunate incident involving a Nagatomo and Cheetos had to be taken off for the new formation.

Look, though; no tantrums! He’s growing up at last!

(Also, what the hell is that top and when was he wearing it?)

Since I just mentioned Cuchu: here he is, demonstrating his magnetic attraction to other balds.

And also to other porcelain drama queens.

CRUNCH! Hello, Monty. Cuchu missed you. (De Jong is shocked. Shocked, I say!) (Orig image)

The bossy one was a giant. Secured the midfield, annihilated KPB and helped with Walter 1’s goal.

Krkic was overcome with lust for him, which, while possibly excessive, does seem a fitting tribute.

I don’t normally like relaxed hair, but I absolutely love Pereira’s little topknot. It’s very Harajuku, isn’t it?

He was pretty solid and “gave density in the middle area”, according to Tuutomercato. *Nods wisely*

Took a shot at goal that went way over. Was also not afraid of “Abbot”’s strangely-coloured head, which impresses me a lot.

Aha. It is Teh Yuto.

He was actually pretty good in the first half, helping to nullify El Sharaawy.

He also discovered many cunning ways of sabotaging his opponents:

pinching KPB’s belly button,

kidney punching him,

smacking Silly Hair’s armpit,

and attempting to punch... er, Cuchu?

He also pulled this face a lot.

See? (This is him fouling Yepes, believe it or not.)

And then pod-person Bonera picked on him to annoy Pupi some more.

However, at the start of the second half and already on a yellow, he stupidly stuck out his arm when the ball came flying at him.

(Note all his fellow quads coming to help. Good thing Wes was out or the ref would have been annihilated.)

Ah, Cuchu is taking Wes’s place.

It didn’t help, though, and Yuto had to leave. Gargano was sad.

(Good god, that man in the purple is scaring me.)

Fredy, who came on at half, soaked up pressure and protected the defence. Good lad. (Incidentally, Stram wants you to know that he’s not fat. Got that? Good.)

Yepes was overcome with lust and bodychecked him to get his attention. Get in line behind Mexes, man.

Monty may have resorted to some not entirely legal techniques to stop Coutinho, who in any case was not his usual sparkling self.

And now, presenting The Incredible Homoerotic Struggle Of Diego Milito!

This was one of the nights on which Milito tries hard and achieves nothing.

He missed two complete sitters in the first few minutes, which I suppose may have put a dent in his confidence.

Or perhaps Wu, Javi and Cuchu had used up the entire Elderly Argentine Power Supply?

Anyway, he had a problem, and his problem was not Monty.

Nor was it Yepes. As we’ve established, he might want to be the designated Silly Macho Milan Bloke, but the position is already taken.

Yep: Phil. Remind me, did Milito once play for Lazio or something?

Mexes: *Kick*

Mexes: *Sodomise*
[Edit: an annoying maternal person has pointed out that that's Abate. Well, you'll just have to take my word for it that Mexes was doing stuff like that all match.]

Mexes: *Strip*

He outdid DDR and Deki, so you know it’s serious. Did some traditional kicking, elbowed Milito enthusiastically in the neck, then got a yellow card for running into his arse.

Then when Milito went off in the 69th minute, he yelled love poems insults after him. Oh, well. If Phil knew what subtlety was, he wouldn’t be Phil.

Anyway, Milito was not happy about his failure to score.

Not happy at all.

Stram gave him a consolation hug while Ivan disapproved of Stram’s shoes.

Palacio came on for Milito and, going by this picture, was absolutely terrified.

Surprisingly, there are a lot of pictures of him. Maybe that’s because he pulls funny faces?

Anyway, he didn’t get results, but it’s not like that’s because he’s crap.

Tuttomercato were blown away by his unselfishness and are praising him for tracking back and helping the defence. (Orig image)

Stram: “Seriously, though. Cut that thing off.”

Monty: “EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME. VERY IMPORTANT MILAN INTERRUPTION.”

“I wish to give the ref an earful so that my forbidden love Cuchu can listen in ‘surreptitiously’, which he believes he always is even though you can’t even ask a linesman what the time is without his shiny noggin heaving into view.”

“I AM ALSO GOING TO PULL THIS FACE. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT, MR REFEREE?”

“...It’s still there? I missed it with the razor? Crap.”

STOP! Strama time!

1. “Hmmm.”

2. “I say, sir.”

3. “Do what I tell you, you incredible morons!”

4. “I WILL CRUSH YOU!”

5. “Fool of a linesman! Why do you not listen to me?”

6. “THE INJUSTICE!”

7. *Cackles and plots revenge*

I vote this as the silliest Inter picture so far this season.

Now. Who is this masked (and bloody) man? (Orig image)

It’s Wally!

Busy, as usual, being big, scary, dogged and hard as nails.

Guardian mbm man’s first sentence of the match: “Samuel dumps Boateng to the turf in the centre-circle with a just-to-let-you-know-I'm-here challenge.” Quite right. (Orig image)

Incidentally, he also scored a goal.

*Lol @ Mexes’s procupine hair and the googly eyes of dooooooom*

(Unfortunately, half of these shots were taken by a smudge who hasn’t yet figured out that putting your hand over the lens will obscure the picture.)

Cheetos did a curly free kick, Juan tried to head the ball in and missed, Wally hurled himself down to get it...

And in it went. (Phew. That’s the most meticulously recorded goal we’ve seen in quite a while.)

Walter was pleased.

(Not that you’d guess it from looking at him, of course.)

Then the others caught up with him and made him smile.

Oh noooo.

(Frog apparently thought the goal had been scored by him.)

Wu then noticed Gargano and was pleased.

Er, he was pleased, honest. (I’m not sure why they’re so friendly other than that they’re both called Walter, which, when you think about it, is a pretty good reason.)

Frog and Milito: *Have incredibly long, spindly arms*
Wu: *Is still scary*

Then Milito gave Wu some love,

Wu gave his wife some love,

and Gargano laughed at him.

Wu dodged a lecture (orig image)

and went to thank Mr Free Kick.

YAAAAAY HUGS!

This is where he starts to regret hugging him.

Then there was, I dunno, a consolation fist-bump for Juan Jesus Shrek?

Bonera, stop doing that while people are watching.

And then The Event began.

Good heavens, no, I am not about to show you 20 pictures of Cassano humping Stram. Perish the thought.

OK, I am. First, as you can see, Stram ran onto the pitch and Cheetos burst his buttons, Hulk-style.

This did not hold the boy wonder back and he started walking on thin air instead, dragging Cheetos along behind him.

Drag...

More drag than Cuchu on a Friday night.

At last they started hugging instead (rather ferociously).

(Stram still wouldn’t stop.)

Then Cheetos began to twirl him round

and finally picked him up.

RAWR. YES. INTER.

...Oh. And they’re back to normal. (Fuck me, look at all the gear that cameraman’s wearing. D’you think he doubles as a Cheetos trainer? Hits him with an electric prod?)

Javi, meanwhile, is about to make Stram and Cheetos’s celebration look positively innocent.

BAM. There goes Handanovic’s back virginity, one way or the other. Lizard, I hope you’re fit. (Orig image)

Oh, it looks as if he survived, albeit with Livaja to hold him up... Frog, stop laughing at him; you nearly suffered the same fate.

Who’s have thought Fredy would be the one to have a sensible and restrained celebration? (Albeit probably in an attempt to piss off Mexes.)

Cheetos smelt testosterone and gravitated towards it.

Look at him, he’s delighted. Did they not let him jump on people at Milan?

Then poor Handanovic was made to let Javi jump on him again despite his not having a back any more. (Juan Shrek seems oddly jealous.)

Pereira approved of the destruction of his goalkeeper.

He went to get some Javi for himself while Gargano ridiculed him quietly.

The following pictures show you a bunch of infants in adults’ bodies gambolling across a flower-filled meadow together.

Yes, Javi and Cheetos have the same mental age. It’s amazing what some malfunctioning software can do. (Pereira and Palacio don’t know how they got to Oz, but they like it.)

Then Pupi’s minions buggered off (presumably to find Yuto) and he was left to exult alone.

He loves doing that.

(Uh-oh; his chemicals are eating through the armpits of his jersey. The kit people should really have realised plastic might have that effect.)

*Comes back to Earth with a bang* Oh. Dear. That spoilt the mood a bit.

Stram is the only person cuddling Pazzo?? Tight.

Alas, there is only one picture of the post-match handbags, in which “Abbot” tried to pick on IRC and was fortunate to live to regret it. (I think the Lizard’s software needs tuning as well; he seems to be about to fire his lasers at Ivan.)