Napoli spam 1
(Is Mazzarri clinically insane? Discuss.)
Greetings, everyone! I am Cheryl and I am your humble Napoli spammer. I trust we will all get along swimmingly, despite my ignorance of anything concerning Napoli other the players’ being fit as fuck. I’m good at learning on the hop.
THINGS I HAVE FOUND OUT ABOUT NAPOLI SO FAR
1. The pictures of them are too small.
2. And blurry.
3. But there’s a lot of them, so there’s that.
4. The English at napoli.it is so bad I will never complain about the Proud Of His Meat Man again. (Martha: *Breathes a sigh of relief*)
5. I HAVE NO IDEA WHO HALF THE SQUAD ARE. I need your assistance, tifosi! There’s a dozen people who are highly distinctive (Hamsik, Dumitru, PCan etc) and then there’s this bloke I think of as “nondescript ugly brunette”. Unfortunately, there turned out to be 14 of him. Plz plz help me tell all the nondescript ugly brunettes apart? Thank you.
OK, on with the spam.
We have recently bought 20,000 people, so presentation time.
Dzemaili finally got his presentation this week, despite arriving before Inler.
A creepy man promptly turned up and started touching him,
and made him point at people. DL is apparently obsessed with this pointing thing.
(Blerim is the only person in this picture who doesn’t terrify me.)
*Wishes the creepy man would take his arm away*
Interview. Quote:
I've called Inler and I said: come to Naples, I want to play with you.
That’s not appallingly suggestive or anything. Nice work, Google Translate.
He goes on:
I played with Gokhan two years in Zurich and we won a championship. We know very well, so when I learned that Naples was aimed at him I phoned him to tell him that I wanted to play again with him. And so it happened. I chose the Naples because he has always been my ball. [Wtf? = Cheryl] And 'one of the strongest teams in Italy and has an exceptional public. And then play in the Champions League will be a unique experience
I do not make promises but I feel I can say that will give my best for Napoli. I played seven years as the median and I know exactly what you want from me Mazzarri. I hope to repay the trust and give much satisfaction to those wonderful fans.
Bless his heart. (Inler’s agent made the suggestiveness a bit worse:
My client is very happy to have as a teammate Dzemaili, we hope that this couple can win something important at Naples.
Er. Yes. *Drags self away from the Swiss innuendo*)
Next: some bloke called Miguel Britos who moved here from Bologna. (Don’t think he’s actually related to Pato’s ex-wife.)
His eyes are too close together, but apart from that he seems all right. He’s a centre-back.
Next! *Throws out Britos* Aaaaand it’s... Santana!
Santana: *Points to appease the maniac*
Appropriately enough, he seems terrified. Martha must be right about his being a bright chap.
And when he’s not looking terrified, he looks haunted.
(For you people who don’t know him from Fiorentina: Mario Alberto Santana, 29, attacking midfielder with a pleasing habit of scoring goals. Terrible posture, deeply amusing Wikipedia picture, extremely fit wife.)
The only way I can explain his posture and facial expression here is that DL’s just announced he’s going to cut his nuts off.
*Chucks Santana off the Napoli Conveyor Belt* Next. FERNANDEZ!
Federico Fernandez, who, bizarrely, is 22. Does he look 22 to you?
He’s come from S. America (Estudiantes, to be precise), on the off chance you couldn’t guess that from his ghostly pallor. He’s another centre-back.
*Boots Fernandez off the conveyor belt* DONADEL!
He was the only one who got to pose outside, possibly because the smell from his hair they ran out of money he’s in tune with nature.
*Looks at his cute little face and can’t pick on him any more* So enthusiastic! His hair may look horrible at least half the time, but he’s a good bloke, no mistake, and did better than anyone at putting up with DL.
Er. Even when DL was manhandling him. (Wait, he’s making him point, isn’t he. God, what is going on in that man’s head? If anything.)
See? All relaxed and everything.
Er. OK, that’s not so good.
He doesn’t seem to like that plant; I think that’s the problem. They must not have those at Fiorentina.
For those who don’t know him from that very club: Marco Donadel, 28, midfielder. Googly eyes, frankly disgusting barnet.
That’s the end of the presentations, thank god, so let’s get to the arrivals.
I doubt it will surprise anyone that I have no idea who half of these people are. (That must be Britos, right?)
...Ooh. He looks rather nice. (And is Canadian, apparently.)
GOGI!
He was popular.
HAMSIK!
That kid’s legs are far too thin. Monty had better not come here.
PCAN!
He had his nipples sharpened for the new season. Excellent.
Er. Is that Maggio?
No, wait, this is Maggio. Well, that other one must be someone else, then.
Maggio: *Wishes he could poach some of PCan’s people*
NICOLAO DUMITRU! The world’s only Swedish Romanian Brazilian Italian! (Is he rubbish? I see he made only nine appearances last year. Tell me now, Napoli fans, and I can try not to get too attached.)
Aronica was determined not to be outdone by Inler. Can he keep that mask on all the time
Mazzari had mown his head. Corriere optimistically referred to this as a “new look”.
Mazzarri: “Still got it, eh, ladies? Whaddya think?”
Cheryl: *Gouges out eyes*
New bloke: *Gets training*
Inler appears to have gone on a special diet over the holidays in case he put on any extra grammes.
Santana, er, hasn’t. (Is Hamsik trying to hunch over like him?)
Then it was running time.
Santana apparently kept getting distracted by shiny teammates objects;
look, he’s at it again! Or possibly trying to annoy Nondescript Ugly Brunette No. 24.
(Getting fond of the sleeveless training tops, I must say.)
Inler: *Is very serious*
*Chats with teammates*
*Takes a moment to adjust himself*
Oh, dear. They’re knackered already.
Flunkies *Administer water bottles*
...Why did THAT bloke have to be the only one to roll his shorts up? *Curses life*
No caption needed.
(Look at the top right: there’s Inler, trying out the captainly technique.)
Then it was time to grab a Napoli-coloured mat.
Gokhan was very serious while Dzemaili was around;
Then he did this.
Britos: *Continues to look pretty good*
MY EYES!!!
Thank you, PCan, for coming and laughing at Mazzarri. You have saved my sanity.
Hamsik: *Looks skinny and happy*
Santana: *Looks, frankly, neither*
Very hairy and tattooey, though. Perhaps that’ll help?
Veiny Arm Brigade, Part 1.
Veiny Arm Brigade, Part 2.
Mazzarri: The ladies don’t think I’m sexy, Salvatore. Don’t you think I’m sexy? Look at my arse.
Aronica: *Wishes he’d lent Mazzarri his baboon mask*
Then they actually got to do some ball work! \o/
Santana: *Is still grumpy*
Inler: *Is still fit*
...It’s that man with no shorts again. Seriously, why is he the only one to do this? WHY CAN’T THEY ALL?
OK, is it my imagination, or do they all have really skinny legs? Look at New Bloke *checks his name* Fernandez there.
Like twigs! And, of course, since he’s just come from Argentina, he’s as white as a ghost. Poor kid.
And look at Dumitru! Two brown curtain rails.
Ah, that’s better. ¦D
...Oh dear. Dzemaili and Donadel appear to have actually expired at some point during this session.
Bloke with the blue mouth guard: *Horrifies Cheryl*
Uh-oh: they’ve got to run and jump now. Santana seems apprehensive.
Santana: *Resigns himself to chubby suffering*
Hamsik: *Has no such problems*
Santana does have biceps, though.
And some really horrible tattoos, the worst of which we fortunately can’t see properly.
Inler: *Smirks patronisingly at Mario Alberto’s “muscles”*
How come when Inler’s drenched in sweat he just looks sexy,
whereas Blerim appears to be half-dead? Maybe if he shaved off all his hair he’d be more comfortable. (Yes, Martha, I know, he can’t do that because the giant ears would be revealed.)
Swiss captain/Napoli captain bonding? Inler seems to like the baldness, but I’m not sure he approved of the ink.
Masacara (I think): *Ruins the atmosphere*
I dunno who this is, alas. Torre, perhaps? (Hopefully when the season begins, the photos will have captions...)
Britos and Dzemaili: *Synchronised arm vein flash*
Yesss, Britos is coming along very nicely. *Tells the photogs to shoot him from the side so we can’t see he’s practically a cyclops*
Interestingly, the ball had the same effect on Donadel as it had on Deki.
(One thing I’m really starting to appreciate about Napoli:
even when there’s absolutely nothing happening apart from a bunch of tired blokes running, the sleeveless kits mean you are treated to a spectacular vista of biceps veins.
I’m really not kidding about this.)
On to the next day. (Queen Canna: *Waves*)
Hamsik is clearly a morning person.
Donadel seems to be wondering if he should get a Mohican.
When the sun went in for five seconds, the lads started their all-important buttock exercises,
which nobody appears to have enjoyed.
Santana: *Grumbles*
Inler: *Smoulders a bit more* (Don’t ask why his kit says 24, OK? They’ll get him a new one eventually.)
Mazzarri: *Randomly gives Hamsik the middle finger*
Hamsik and Inler: *Fondle themselves*
...I don’t know what Dumitru’s doing, but he looks GREAT while he’s doing it.
I wish that bloke would put some kecks on.
Tifosi meeting their heroes! This was one of the less confusing T-shirts.
This kid seems to have been concerned he would be mistaken for a different D. Maradona.
Ginger bloke: *Signs hats*
...I think this is PCan’s pretending-to-be-interested face.
More pics will come eventually, including Canna’s bum. Two Inlers to close:
1. His “88” cake, which he seems to have felt nobody needed to see in detail or, frankly, at all. *Uses magnifying glass*
2. A pleased Napoli fan’s attempt to horrify the shit out of us. It’s working.