Bullet Points of Bulemia (ie, Spewing What's Inside)
(After an attractive title like that, how can you not read?)
- I just want to publicly confess something: specifically, the reason I don't check my friends list and/or respond to others' posts as often as would be friendly and/or sociable. It's not because I don't care (though I clearly am self-obsessed), it's because if I start reading my flist I can't extract myself. I disappear down the rabbit hole for hours. I can't stop from engaging completely in everything I find, and eons go by with necessary things going undone. With results like that, I'm usually afraid to even pull up the page. So please take to heart that I don't find you boring, my problem is that I find you too fascinating. (I'm currently working on my ability to time-manage, so that I can participate regularly yet extract myself at will, and hence endure the rigors of said fascination.)
- I'm working on my time-management using this. The author says it's a good idea to reveal your goals to others, for accountability reasons. I'll get into them in more detail soon.
- Lately I'm trying out actions and art forms that require me to unpack long-stuffed-down feelings. Which is basically, every feeling I ever have. I have been hiding from life, and I am attempting to unhide. The baby steps I've taken make me feel exhilarated, out of control and a little crazy. My mind is all over the place tonight, as everything I encounter makes me have huge crazy feelings, from love to regret to a frantic need to join in. I want to babble to everyone about everything. The people I encounter--who are not having an emotional awakening--are not particularly engaging me in this, as they are sane and don't realize they're talking to a human volcano.
- Oh by the way, either it's an long-overdue emotional awakening, or I just didn't take my antidepressants at the right time today, and tomorrow I'll feel nothing like this. Check back.
- I'm in a writing/performance class that scares me to death, as the climate there requires honest self-revelation. ETA: it IS supposed to be a class mostly about producing comedy, just more personal, honest comedy. So I'm not really going to go up and spill about horrible abuses or anything, I just have to let go of a certain amount of control, and maybe let people laugh at me a bit, and (this is the hardest) let go of the outcome as well. /ETA So I told a story the first class--about my first hellish stand-up road trip--and got no laughs. NONE. I was one of the unfunniest people there, which I am not used to. The consensus was it was because of a fear of telling what's really going on with me--I was not meeting the class objectives. The teachers advise you to talk about things which, if you don't talk about them, your head will explode. I blanched and replied that I'm full of things I feel must be ruthlessly hidden, or else my life will explode. I was instantly encouraged to talk about that.
- To that end, this week I plan to write a list of 100 Things I Don't Want Anyone To Know About Me. And then I will read it, out loud. ETA: I will probably keep the majority of whatever I reveal in a fairly light vein, since it is primarily a comedy class. I might throw a few bombs in there, if I have a sense they belong, but a lot of it is just going to be dumb embarrassing stuff. Also, 100 facts has already started to seem like way too many. Maybe like, 25. 50 tops. /ETA I may post some of it here as it goes along--it feels much more natural, after years of blogging, to write a blog post to an audience I can imagine, as opposed to just facing a random page where no one is listening.
- Just a note: I missed the second class session, because by the time it came up and I was due to get up on stage and face the scary task of revealing myself out loud, I contracted strep throat. My throat quit working. I'm sure you don't believe this was an coincidence, either.
- You know how sometimes when you're single, and someone comes up to you who seems pretty normal and likeable and from their interest you think they're kind of flirting, or at least feeling out the possibilities, but slowly you get this gut feeling that no one dates them, and you immediately decide that if it comes up, you're not going to either. You don't have any idea what's "wrong" with them, but you can tell by their openness to making a connection that lots of people turn them down, and it may not be fair, and it may not even be accurate that this person should be avoided, but you just figure that all those invisible people know something you don't.
I feel like I must come off like that. I have no idea what to do about it.
- That and I seem to constantly bark up the wrong tree, constantly striking up conversations with nice married guys and such. But then, in my age group it's difficult to find nice guys who aren't. Everyone worth snapping up had it happen years ago. My only hope (and I hate the idea that it's "hope") is that they participate in the Reassignment Period where people get divorced and hook up with someone else. But even then, I'm still dealing with the invisible Do Not Date ray I think I'm emitting. It's a big contributor to my idea that thing about me are wrong that I don't realize, and hence I should hide them.
- Which brings me back to the fact that hiding hasn't worked, and hence I am unhiding. It may be scary and counter-intuitive, but you can't deny that the Hiding Plan hasn't worked for shit. At least with Unhiding, I should get different results. Maybe not always the ones I want, but different.