(no subject)
i dreamed she was diving down into the center of the water, where there was a cave. and inside the cave was what was most beautiful, and everything that lived inside glowed. and if you saw it, it was a miracle and so beautiful. i wasnt ready to see these things. i was afraid, but my friend, ashley, who has died... she went.
and i was so excited for her to see these things and couldnt wait for her to come back and tell me all about it. the water was cold and very blue and just like the cold water spring in the woods we all went to. i hung around the edges, waiting on her to come back.
she did, and she was sad. she said she came back early and she saw nothing beautiful. she saw sharks. SHARKS! i asked. yes, she actually only saw a part of its ear, but when she did she was scared and came back and never saw anything.
i was so grieved, and i knew somehow that this meant so much more.
then, a man, who was so strong was holding me in his arms and my head was on his shoulder and i felt so safe and he was swimming me away from the cave back to shore, and from beyond the heartbreak i had for ashley inside i felt something otherworldly. and i am telling him in his ear, "i love you i have always loved you i will always love you no matter what happens no matter what happens its forever" and i felt love like that. as pure and insane and as white and abysmal and blinding and dark and other as love could be.
when i woke up, i knew it meant that ashley was dead, that it wasnt everything i had hoped it could be for right now, but that the man was God.
i cried all day, and at church i sat alone in a pew crying with no tissue the whole time. i felt too messy to be around anyone, and still a man came up to me after church and talked to me some. and yet another asked if i was okay, and i told him no, and briefly what was wrong, and he simply prayed for me after i said it would be wonderful. these happened after renee told me i should come to the picnic even though i said i was unpresentable to new faces. oh i want to be together so badly for everyone else. she said i had grieved alone enough, that this is where i am, and i should stay around the body.
so i did. and i was glad. and the church is everything i think it should be, even though sometimes i lose my faith in it and think it cant possibly be that it would show me grace and compassion when i need it.
i realized i secretly believe that church is place for happy faces, even if they are fake. i secretly believed that i should cry alone and burden no one with my thoughts about death and and heaven and hell and comfort.
thank you lord, for the picture of grace. thank you that you are still light and glory even when i dont want to give you the chance. thank you for coming into my dark room to give me grace when really all i want to turn to is love or too much to drink or the echo of deep hunger or numbing sleep. thank you for the mercy and love through my dirt- and for being deeper and sweeter than all of those things.
and i was so excited for her to see these things and couldnt wait for her to come back and tell me all about it. the water was cold and very blue and just like the cold water spring in the woods we all went to. i hung around the edges, waiting on her to come back.
she did, and she was sad. she said she came back early and she saw nothing beautiful. she saw sharks. SHARKS! i asked. yes, she actually only saw a part of its ear, but when she did she was scared and came back and never saw anything.
i was so grieved, and i knew somehow that this meant so much more.
then, a man, who was so strong was holding me in his arms and my head was on his shoulder and i felt so safe and he was swimming me away from the cave back to shore, and from beyond the heartbreak i had for ashley inside i felt something otherworldly. and i am telling him in his ear, "i love you i have always loved you i will always love you no matter what happens no matter what happens its forever" and i felt love like that. as pure and insane and as white and abysmal and blinding and dark and other as love could be.
when i woke up, i knew it meant that ashley was dead, that it wasnt everything i had hoped it could be for right now, but that the man was God.
i cried all day, and at church i sat alone in a pew crying with no tissue the whole time. i felt too messy to be around anyone, and still a man came up to me after church and talked to me some. and yet another asked if i was okay, and i told him no, and briefly what was wrong, and he simply prayed for me after i said it would be wonderful. these happened after renee told me i should come to the picnic even though i said i was unpresentable to new faces. oh i want to be together so badly for everyone else. she said i had grieved alone enough, that this is where i am, and i should stay around the body.
so i did. and i was glad. and the church is everything i think it should be, even though sometimes i lose my faith in it and think it cant possibly be that it would show me grace and compassion when i need it.
i realized i secretly believe that church is place for happy faces, even if they are fake. i secretly believed that i should cry alone and burden no one with my thoughts about death and and heaven and hell and comfort.
thank you lord, for the picture of grace. thank you that you are still light and glory even when i dont want to give you the chance. thank you for coming into my dark room to give me grace when really all i want to turn to is love or too much to drink or the echo of deep hunger or numbing sleep. thank you for the mercy and love through my dirt- and for being deeper and sweeter than all of those things.