(no subject)
here we are on the edge of the beach on the edge of the world and we are sunburned and we are empty and full and our skin is red and warm and when we wave our arms the flowers and the colors come out and we laugh because we can hear the stomping on the sand and we just keep look looking at eachother and not saying anything and that being okay.
i remember the rocks and the barefeet and when you brushed my hand and my heart went wild and i turned my face. and pulling you up from under the blue because i was sure you could hear everything going on in my chest. and you looked at me and wondered why i was so urgent and we just laughed and laughed because everything was so beautiful.
~
last night i dreamed i was married and i didnt know what to do. my husband didnt love me very much and i had written a letter on how i am commited and we will make this work. and how i love him where he is. but i gave it to the wrong man because he was in the front of the house and he loved a girl with heavy blonde curls. and i kept avoiding consumating the marriage because i was embarassed and didnt know what next. when i came into our room, we had been married three weeks, he said he just didnt love me. so i took an envelope into the dark, and slid down a dirt hill in my underwear holding it tight. and the sky was dark and everything glowed and i ran and was barefoot and it was like camp. i burst into a cabin and there were girls there having a pillow fight or playing truth or dare and i asked if i could use the bathroom.
~
i was driving the car and my feet pressed so hard into the brakes and the car kept moving i was out of control and the speedometer said i was going fifty but we were only going two. i looked at my mother terrified and she screamed to stop being so crazy and i said over and over that the car was still moving. she said it wasnt.
then we were on a country road with corn growing on both sides and there were long shadows like golden hour and the street was filled on both sides by children marching forward. their backs to me wearing overalls and striped shirts and little skirts with frills and i said mother i cant go any faster when she said to hurry up and she said go go go you dont make any sense. i said cant you see the children! and she was so mad because there werent any children.
Listen to yourself: (she said)
a parade of children in the road. its not real it doesnt make sense.
it was my reality. she couldnt understand.
i told her i wondered where their parents were but that it could happen.
onward onward she wanted me to go but even though i knew the children werent real i couldnt even imagine seeing myself run over so many kindergarteners... however fake they were.
we switched sides. i closed my eyes tight and held onto the seat and we ran over all of them.
~
im in nashville and with one of my favorite people in the world. we are both the same, no time has passed. here i am the home maker. making pineapple pizza and stir fry and rice. i emerge from the kitchen with fresh cookies. i dont think they know that i am a painter or that i take pictures or that my laugh is very loud. i am quiet and giggle a lot and i have red hair. thats all.
she is working hard, every minute moving practicing making new music. my phone rings and i lay in the sun in the back yard and the grass is tall and i just think and i lay there, glad. i hear them inside, clapping and stomping. black birds fly past. dogs int he yard across the street bark and they are outlined in gold.
i am glad that i am here, that this is rest to me, and im so happy to cook and do the dishes instead of making art. just for this week though.
i remember the rocks and the barefeet and when you brushed my hand and my heart went wild and i turned my face. and pulling you up from under the blue because i was sure you could hear everything going on in my chest. and you looked at me and wondered why i was so urgent and we just laughed and laughed because everything was so beautiful.
~
last night i dreamed i was married and i didnt know what to do. my husband didnt love me very much and i had written a letter on how i am commited and we will make this work. and how i love him where he is. but i gave it to the wrong man because he was in the front of the house and he loved a girl with heavy blonde curls. and i kept avoiding consumating the marriage because i was embarassed and didnt know what next. when i came into our room, we had been married three weeks, he said he just didnt love me. so i took an envelope into the dark, and slid down a dirt hill in my underwear holding it tight. and the sky was dark and everything glowed and i ran and was barefoot and it was like camp. i burst into a cabin and there were girls there having a pillow fight or playing truth or dare and i asked if i could use the bathroom.
~
i was driving the car and my feet pressed so hard into the brakes and the car kept moving i was out of control and the speedometer said i was going fifty but we were only going two. i looked at my mother terrified and she screamed to stop being so crazy and i said over and over that the car was still moving. she said it wasnt.
then we were on a country road with corn growing on both sides and there were long shadows like golden hour and the street was filled on both sides by children marching forward. their backs to me wearing overalls and striped shirts and little skirts with frills and i said mother i cant go any faster when she said to hurry up and she said go go go you dont make any sense. i said cant you see the children! and she was so mad because there werent any children.
Listen to yourself: (she said)
a parade of children in the road. its not real it doesnt make sense.
it was my reality. she couldnt understand.
i told her i wondered where their parents were but that it could happen.
onward onward she wanted me to go but even though i knew the children werent real i couldnt even imagine seeing myself run over so many kindergarteners... however fake they were.
we switched sides. i closed my eyes tight and held onto the seat and we ran over all of them.
~
im in nashville and with one of my favorite people in the world. we are both the same, no time has passed. here i am the home maker. making pineapple pizza and stir fry and rice. i emerge from the kitchen with fresh cookies. i dont think they know that i am a painter or that i take pictures or that my laugh is very loud. i am quiet and giggle a lot and i have red hair. thats all.
she is working hard, every minute moving practicing making new music. my phone rings and i lay in the sun in the back yard and the grass is tall and i just think and i lay there, glad. i hear them inside, clapping and stomping. black birds fly past. dogs int he yard across the street bark and they are outlined in gold.
i am glad that i am here, that this is rest to me, and im so happy to cook and do the dishes instead of making art. just for this week though.