Relationships
S is the only man I ever really felt I loved. Granted...it was hardly a man we fell in love. I knew the moment i brushed his arm. I ached for him..and melted under his touch. I can't describe the feeling properly..but its all stingy and hot...and although I have felt it since...never as long lasting..or consistant. Now its like it never happend...like it were a dream. He has branched out, grown up, broken more hearts and never, ever looked back. I have been drowning ever since.
I met him when I was 16, I remember that day as clearly as I remember today. Cold and snowy...and the warmth of his skin
We broke up before senior year.
He became engaged to another girl.......he would leave her for me years later. AFter visitingme at the resturant one night......as we felt the familiar pangs of attraction in the parking lot of hte resturant i worked. He recalled the presious words 'i've always loved you'.......why wouldn't i belive? i could feel it everywhere..too...
Inbetween I dated B. I had to break up with him because he told me he loved me...I always had trouble unraveling my feelings...sorting things out...and i didn't feel the flicker in my belly when B told me he loved me...his eyes soo hungry to hear those words........He would always wonder why I wouldn't let him love me...convinced that I fucked away a real chance at love. I couldnt help it....waht did B know about love? he lost his virginity in a game of truth and dare gone awry...I wanted it to mean more....I hung onto mine with deal life....wishing to lose it a fury of love
S was the one... I was sure of it..when we connected. But I was afraid of letting go..and held him off....for at least another year
I should consider him the taker of my virginity...but it was really a botched attempt. We rented a hotel in Vermont in the spring....and when the time came..i BLED like a whale..and we stopped..in our horror.. a month later he left me for a girl he ment on the internet, who lived 3,000 miles away, later he would leave her for her roomate...and then her for another woman..and then...well you get the idea. He took with him all his love....telling me it was never really real. To this day, i think he did it to hurt me..his only real weapon agaist that letter i wrote him, my offical good-bye
There was no closer..no yelling...no screaming..just silence....he left. I feel apart. There were lots of tears..very little closer. The question i continue to ask myself, nearly 10 years later, is how could i be soo wrong?
I was 21.
M was broken about the same time as me. L dumped him for another man. (L and I would later become friends) I loved M from the day i met him too, but in a differnt way. We met in the early internet days......friends before meeting....cosmic connections were soo easy then...and we played together often..because we were still kids when we first met..15. Eventually these games became a bit more sensual in nature...triggered by our teenage hormones...we never kissed....we wrestled, pinning each other to floor, eventually these things would lead to interestingly, extremly exiciting, compromising positions. but nothign ever came of it.....till he got dumped...shorterly after I got dumped..
we were ruined...and all we had was each other
HE finished the job started by S..and although I never kissed him like a lover, that's essentially what he was to me for 2 years...he was gentle..and persistant...and that was probably some of the best sex i'd ever had in my life.....he taught me the differnce between love and being in-love. Although we were nver in-love, i loved him. It killed me when he eventually left me for my best friend K. M never let me love him any more than I did....for one reason or another. Maybe he always knew he was sick? Someone who loves drugs as much as him, probably can't love another person as completely as they should.
That relationship is what I think about...when I think of my father. he's not a drug addict....but isnt an alcholic somewhere in the vincity? M is differn though, he can't care for himself.
After that I lost faith in men and women. K was like a sister to me........she would not validate my anger...but, simply met it with more anger...for my lack of understanding...after all..who was I to stand in the way of 'love'.
They both lemented "You can't help who you fall inlove with"
I'm sure that's the stance S took too...whilst he packed his bags for Cali........leaving me wondering till I discovered..through my digging, what that he was most certainly leaving me for her.
What a fucked up word. What a fucked up reason. I still wonder if anyone understands its meaning. including myself.
So I got angry..I lost weight..
M and I slept together a few times in transition........K was cold in the begining...M told me...Why i listened..I dunno.. I had a very hard time seperating...
Then D. I worked with him. I felt the tingle...I felt the pang...but didnt know till it was nearly too late that he was falling 'inlove' with me..his words, not mine. i'd by then, resigned myself from using those words in that context..
D was married...unhappily soo. Australian. In the country by way of his marriage to a women 15 years his senior. He was 9 years older than me. He was getting a divorce..and had to move home. His last day of work, he shared his feelings with me...and we met for dinner that weekend. We had this one, beautiful night. My only regret is that I left after...and didn't spend the night there. He left for Australia 2 days later...we wroke lots of emails back and forth...but those come alot less now.........
I went without any contact for a long time after that...
Then T and myself would go out drinking in Southie. She was a lot of fun to be around. I'd kept off the weight and i was confident. I met many men.
The mick (not his real name) was the first real one-night stand I ever had. I met him in a bar...and he said and did all the right things. Smooth talker. I think he was from dublin. We went out one night, he got me very drunk..and invited me back to his house for 'tea'. He was very forceful. I'm still not sure how it happend..there was a lot of begging involved...I remember not really wanting to sleep with him...but in the end..he got his way. When I saw him after that, out, he totally ignored me. And did so...consistantly...for about year....before trying to get me to go home with him again.
After that T and myself decided that for irish boys we would make them wait 8 dates...american boys 4. since we wernt dating american boys at the time..the latter didnt really matter.
I met Patsy and Henry in the same night. Both of them with flaming red hair. Both pasterers. Both from Country Donegal. Henry was older..his eyes were full of something..they always looked at me..pierced me. Patsy had a high pitched voice..i remember meeting the two of them...i remember feeling that tingle in my belly..... I wanted Henry...we spent some time together.....I went on vacation...and I came back the day before sept 11th..and he never called me after that. I've only seen him once since then. I don't know why that fell apart..but it did so before it ever started. He made it as far as 7 dates...and then...nothing
Then there was P..He was *much* older. When i was 26, he was 40. I don't know how i ended up involved with him..I still remember our first kiss. It was amazing. I saw him off and on for a year or two. The last time I saw him...L claims he was hitting on her. I believed her and vowed never to give him the time of day. it was not hard to hold-steady to that promise, considered he all but dropped off the face of the earth, once he retired from the police department.
T met her husband..shortly after that..at our favorite bar...dumped me like a hot potato. Something i'm still not ever. Again, my trust in women waiverd.
MC was a friend of S's. We all went out one night....and got very drunk..and stayed at S's house. MC and I shared a couch..one thing lead to another..and we sorta slept together on the couch. neither of us remember what really happened..he got ahold of a planB script, just in case. We went out 2 more times after that.....not sleeping together, i wanted to...but i was afraid it would end with just that. As it turns out, it ended without even that.
Sailor boy was another drunken mistake. I left a bar-crawl with him...to end up in a no-tel motel north of the city. I'm not 100% certain what happened that night...i suppose i should assume that we did sleep together....as after that i had the outbreak of what was later confirmed via a blood test to be herpes simplex 1 (the cold sore kind)
I dunno, i shake my head at that one too
F is a friend of mine. I slept with him out of curosity. We were watchign a video at his house...his OCD mother had that place soo littered with stuff that the only place to sit was on his bed..where we layed to watch the movie. He initiated...and we fooled around enough for me to size him up. L, my friend who is the ultimate 'size queen' would have approved. I slept with him for that reason..just to try it. I called him the day after....he didnt callme back for more than a week...and very plainly drew lines in the sand...just incase i misunderstood that night of passion was nothing more than that.......I did it again a year later...for the same reason, but i did so with alot less passion... In retrospect, I suppose it was a bad idea....he constantly expresses an interest in doing it again. Not many people know about it...and i dont wish any more to know.
Then we return to Patsy. After knowing him for 4 years......we finally get to know each other intimitly..and..well we know where that got me.
M and I sleep together on and off in and out of relationships. Its hard not to..because its comfortable...and such a natural extention of our relationship......despite the bizzar detours it has taken..
i'm thinking outloud here.
i find myself alone. I never though i would see myself where I am now. I held onto my virginity with such strength. i thought of it as something almost holy. it had nothing to do with being catholic or wanting to wait till i was married. i thought of love and sex as the same thing. i wanted it to be.
i never had my moment. i've never had a lasting healthy sexual relationship.
i find myself by myself....alone and unable to form real bonds with people i am sexual with. the two are soo remotely removed. the people i care about the most, the ones i could love, if they, or i would allow...i never properly give myself to them..but the ones i know i could never love...i give myself almost freely.
i can't even begin to understand how i became this person.
I met him when I was 16, I remember that day as clearly as I remember today. Cold and snowy...and the warmth of his skin
We broke up before senior year.
He became engaged to another girl.......he would leave her for me years later. AFter visitingme at the resturant one night......as we felt the familiar pangs of attraction in the parking lot of hte resturant i worked. He recalled the presious words 'i've always loved you'.......why wouldn't i belive? i could feel it everywhere..too...
Inbetween I dated B. I had to break up with him because he told me he loved me...I always had trouble unraveling my feelings...sorting things out...and i didn't feel the flicker in my belly when B told me he loved me...his eyes soo hungry to hear those words........He would always wonder why I wouldn't let him love me...convinced that I fucked away a real chance at love. I couldnt help it....waht did B know about love? he lost his virginity in a game of truth and dare gone awry...I wanted it to mean more....I hung onto mine with deal life....wishing to lose it a fury of love
S was the one... I was sure of it..when we connected. But I was afraid of letting go..and held him off....for at least another year
I should consider him the taker of my virginity...but it was really a botched attempt. We rented a hotel in Vermont in the spring....and when the time came..i BLED like a whale..and we stopped..in our horror.. a month later he left me for a girl he ment on the internet, who lived 3,000 miles away, later he would leave her for her roomate...and then her for another woman..and then...well you get the idea. He took with him all his love....telling me it was never really real. To this day, i think he did it to hurt me..his only real weapon agaist that letter i wrote him, my offical good-bye
There was no closer..no yelling...no screaming..just silence....he left. I feel apart. There were lots of tears..very little closer. The question i continue to ask myself, nearly 10 years later, is how could i be soo wrong?
I was 21.
M was broken about the same time as me. L dumped him for another man. (L and I would later become friends) I loved M from the day i met him too, but in a differnt way. We met in the early internet days......friends before meeting....cosmic connections were soo easy then...and we played together often..because we were still kids when we first met..15. Eventually these games became a bit more sensual in nature...triggered by our teenage hormones...we never kissed....we wrestled, pinning each other to floor, eventually these things would lead to interestingly, extremly exiciting, compromising positions. but nothign ever came of it.....till he got dumped...shorterly after I got dumped..
we were ruined...and all we had was each other
HE finished the job started by S..and although I never kissed him like a lover, that's essentially what he was to me for 2 years...he was gentle..and persistant...and that was probably some of the best sex i'd ever had in my life.....he taught me the differnce between love and being in-love. Although we were nver in-love, i loved him. It killed me when he eventually left me for my best friend K. M never let me love him any more than I did....for one reason or another. Maybe he always knew he was sick? Someone who loves drugs as much as him, probably can't love another person as completely as they should.
That relationship is what I think about...when I think of my father. he's not a drug addict....but isnt an alcholic somewhere in the vincity? M is differn though, he can't care for himself.
After that I lost faith in men and women. K was like a sister to me........she would not validate my anger...but, simply met it with more anger...for my lack of understanding...after all..who was I to stand in the way of 'love'.
They both lemented "You can't help who you fall inlove with"
I'm sure that's the stance S took too...whilst he packed his bags for Cali........leaving me wondering till I discovered..through my digging, what that he was most certainly leaving me for her.
What a fucked up word. What a fucked up reason. I still wonder if anyone understands its meaning. including myself.
So I got angry..I lost weight..
M and I slept together a few times in transition........K was cold in the begining...M told me...Why i listened..I dunno.. I had a very hard time seperating...
Then D. I worked with him. I felt the tingle...I felt the pang...but didnt know till it was nearly too late that he was falling 'inlove' with me..his words, not mine. i'd by then, resigned myself from using those words in that context..
D was married...unhappily soo. Australian. In the country by way of his marriage to a women 15 years his senior. He was 9 years older than me. He was getting a divorce..and had to move home. His last day of work, he shared his feelings with me...and we met for dinner that weekend. We had this one, beautiful night. My only regret is that I left after...and didn't spend the night there. He left for Australia 2 days later...we wroke lots of emails back and forth...but those come alot less now.........
I went without any contact for a long time after that...
Then T and myself would go out drinking in Southie. She was a lot of fun to be around. I'd kept off the weight and i was confident. I met many men.
The mick (not his real name) was the first real one-night stand I ever had. I met him in a bar...and he said and did all the right things. Smooth talker. I think he was from dublin. We went out one night, he got me very drunk..and invited me back to his house for 'tea'. He was very forceful. I'm still not sure how it happend..there was a lot of begging involved...I remember not really wanting to sleep with him...but in the end..he got his way. When I saw him after that, out, he totally ignored me. And did so...consistantly...for about year....before trying to get me to go home with him again.
After that T and myself decided that for irish boys we would make them wait 8 dates...american boys 4. since we wernt dating american boys at the time..the latter didnt really matter.
I met Patsy and Henry in the same night. Both of them with flaming red hair. Both pasterers. Both from Country Donegal. Henry was older..his eyes were full of something..they always looked at me..pierced me. Patsy had a high pitched voice..i remember meeting the two of them...i remember feeling that tingle in my belly..... I wanted Henry...we spent some time together.....I went on vacation...and I came back the day before sept 11th..and he never called me after that. I've only seen him once since then. I don't know why that fell apart..but it did so before it ever started. He made it as far as 7 dates...and then...nothing
Then there was P..He was *much* older. When i was 26, he was 40. I don't know how i ended up involved with him..I still remember our first kiss. It was amazing. I saw him off and on for a year or two. The last time I saw him...L claims he was hitting on her. I believed her and vowed never to give him the time of day. it was not hard to hold-steady to that promise, considered he all but dropped off the face of the earth, once he retired from the police department.
T met her husband..shortly after that..at our favorite bar...dumped me like a hot potato. Something i'm still not ever. Again, my trust in women waiverd.
MC was a friend of S's. We all went out one night....and got very drunk..and stayed at S's house. MC and I shared a couch..one thing lead to another..and we sorta slept together on the couch. neither of us remember what really happened..he got ahold of a planB script, just in case. We went out 2 more times after that.....not sleeping together, i wanted to...but i was afraid it would end with just that. As it turns out, it ended without even that.
Sailor boy was another drunken mistake. I left a bar-crawl with him...to end up in a no-tel motel north of the city. I'm not 100% certain what happened that night...i suppose i should assume that we did sleep together....as after that i had the outbreak of what was later confirmed via a blood test to be herpes simplex 1 (the cold sore kind)
I dunno, i shake my head at that one too
F is a friend of mine. I slept with him out of curosity. We were watchign a video at his house...his OCD mother had that place soo littered with stuff that the only place to sit was on his bed..where we layed to watch the movie. He initiated...and we fooled around enough for me to size him up. L, my friend who is the ultimate 'size queen' would have approved. I slept with him for that reason..just to try it. I called him the day after....he didnt callme back for more than a week...and very plainly drew lines in the sand...just incase i misunderstood that night of passion was nothing more than that.......I did it again a year later...for the same reason, but i did so with alot less passion... In retrospect, I suppose it was a bad idea....he constantly expresses an interest in doing it again. Not many people know about it...and i dont wish any more to know.
Then we return to Patsy. After knowing him for 4 years......we finally get to know each other intimitly..and..well we know where that got me.
M and I sleep together on and off in and out of relationships. Its hard not to..because its comfortable...and such a natural extention of our relationship......despite the bizzar detours it has taken..
i'm thinking outloud here.
i find myself alone. I never though i would see myself where I am now. I held onto my virginity with such strength. i thought of it as something almost holy. it had nothing to do with being catholic or wanting to wait till i was married. i thought of love and sex as the same thing. i wanted it to be.
i never had my moment. i've never had a lasting healthy sexual relationship.
i find myself by myself....alone and unable to form real bonds with people i am sexual with. the two are soo remotely removed. the people i care about the most, the ones i could love, if they, or i would allow...i never properly give myself to them..but the ones i know i could never love...i give myself almost freely.
i can't even begin to understand how i became this person.