On Goodbyes
I said in my intro that I would try not to be bleak, so when I saw our first topic for therealljidol was Saying Goodbye, I tried to just make it not about mom. Lord knows I've had many goodbyes in my life, and a great many of those recently. Somehow, it always comes back to this. In The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion calls it 'the vortex'. I can't even
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Now, I don't even think I can begin to comprehned the loss of a parent to tragedy, especially Mom. Three years ago when an EMT called me from my mom's cell phone to ask me to meet them at the hosptial after a bad car accident I nearly melted. When I saw my mother on the table swollen and still and the Drs working on picking glass out of her while trying to discern internal damage... I nearly threw up. She was fine, though. She came through without anything serious. I will never be more thankful than I was the day I took her home.
*hugs*
You write beautifully, Amanda. I am glad you know the real truths of it, too.
One more bit... I tell Anna that she can always send me a hug... it will always get to me. I really believe that, and I don't think it stops with this life. Your mom gets those hugs from you and she sends her own back in response. Just keep talking to her... she hears... and she'll answer when she can.
*love*
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I'm glad you think I write well, too. I've been kind of struggling with it lately.
I do realize we're still connected now. There were many months when I felt her absence quite clearly, but I do feel her back. I actually tuned in with her and asked for her help writing this. I felt a bit guilty. It's a pretty private thing, you know? But I felt a very distinct hug and it all felt and flowed all right, so that kind of answer is just as clear. :)
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She and my dad had just picked up a load of tile from the next town over. They were traveling home when they were t-boned by a kid who didn't see a stop sign.
Their van rolled three times, across the street and landed on right-side up again and facing the opposite direction. The first roll impact was right over my mom's head. Since she's 5foot8 the roof came down on top of her skull.
My dad had a knee injury which has actually required surgery and made him disabled (he's a heavy truck mechanic... can't do that when your knee gives out since you often are balancing over a running 2 ton engine with fans and belts bigger than some cars... and moving).
The biggest thing in this? The tile was in the back cargo area of the van and ended up all in the back seat. My daughter was supposed to go with them but I convinced her to go swimming at the YMCA with me and her sister instead. I think I used that membership like 3 times, but that was one of those times and made it all worth the $.
Thank GOD that it was no worse than it was. Mom only stayed overnight, Dad can still walk and, most of all, Laurel was not in the back with the tile.
*sighs*
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As for the privacy of it... it is private and feels private and you sharing is helping so many people with their own private grief! To not be alone is an amazing and precious thing!!!! Also, I think it takes some time for our souls to adjust to the other-world before we can come back and take a look for our people again. My grandmother hasn't visited again yet and my other grandmother who passed away 5 years ago has just started being a regular in my spirit-eye.
*love*
Thank you again for sharing that... it is so powerful!
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Thank you again for your kindness. *hugs*
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