Time's right for something.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
T S Eliot. Man had a way with words, and evoking certain feelings. Me, I'm just a guy trying to find his head again.
About six months ago my wife, whom I loved and still love, asked for a separation from myself and her beau who she had in accordance with our open relationship. I listened, and supported and trusted because I wanted to give her what she needed to recover our relationship. I left, as we all agreed. All three of us. Read that again. All three.
I left. He didn't. Surprise surprise, they kept company with mutual friends of theirs and about three weeks later i was told there was no chance for us any longer. I was also told that I am to see this as normal and healthy and good. after six years of faithfulness, through abuse (by her) through a time when her emotions dictated i not touch her except to be nearby (two years) and through a year of me working to support us all, she chose to walk away. With the man I supported.
I have since been trying to reconcile my overpowering anger at these two execrable examples of human unfaithfulness and deceit with a few facts:
1 I still love my wife
2 I cannot bear a grudge against him because his family deserve better, and he's just being pulled around by his dick by a woman who uses men.
3 I cannot lose any connection to my children as they are not receiving all the love they need from those they live with by default.
I also have a gaping void in my life. My wife was one of few relationships I've had, and my first lover as I had not had sex because I felt it was something important to hold on to for the one I meant to live with.
I would love to have someone in my life right now, but I am left to ask myself- I made a commitment. If I, like her, walk away from that just because it's more convenient and it's easier to do than to tough it out and make things work, can I even honestly commit to anyone else? What does this say about me? About what I think of the worth of the person I get involved with? About whether I can commit if I carry these feelings for someone else?
I haven't found any answers yet, but there are a few oases in the wasteland. I have good friends to talk things out with, and a few not so 'good' who let me savage my wife and her... yeah... in conversation. sometimes it helps, but not always.
So that brings me here. Noting down what it is I feel and think and ask. Topics may range, but this is going to be about me, about finding who and what is left after I was used up and cast aside. Maybe by next year, we'll find whether there IS another side to this desert.
So hey, come along. Look at a place burnt dry by neglect and abuse and manipulation. See the few things that keep me walking.
I'll show you something different than your shadow before us in the dawn and behind us at dusk.
I'll show you fear in a handful of dust.
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
T S Eliot. Man had a way with words, and evoking certain feelings. Me, I'm just a guy trying to find his head again.
About six months ago my wife, whom I loved and still love, asked for a separation from myself and her beau who she had in accordance with our open relationship. I listened, and supported and trusted because I wanted to give her what she needed to recover our relationship. I left, as we all agreed. All three of us. Read that again. All three.
I left. He didn't. Surprise surprise, they kept company with mutual friends of theirs and about three weeks later i was told there was no chance for us any longer. I was also told that I am to see this as normal and healthy and good. after six years of faithfulness, through abuse (by her) through a time when her emotions dictated i not touch her except to be nearby (two years) and through a year of me working to support us all, she chose to walk away. With the man I supported.
I have since been trying to reconcile my overpowering anger at these two execrable examples of human unfaithfulness and deceit with a few facts:
1 I still love my wife
2 I cannot bear a grudge against him because his family deserve better, and he's just being pulled around by his dick by a woman who uses men.
3 I cannot lose any connection to my children as they are not receiving all the love they need from those they live with by default.
I also have a gaping void in my life. My wife was one of few relationships I've had, and my first lover as I had not had sex because I felt it was something important to hold on to for the one I meant to live with.
I would love to have someone in my life right now, but I am left to ask myself- I made a commitment. If I, like her, walk away from that just because it's more convenient and it's easier to do than to tough it out and make things work, can I even honestly commit to anyone else? What does this say about me? About what I think of the worth of the person I get involved with? About whether I can commit if I carry these feelings for someone else?
I haven't found any answers yet, but there are a few oases in the wasteland. I have good friends to talk things out with, and a few not so 'good' who let me savage my wife and her... yeah... in conversation. sometimes it helps, but not always.
So that brings me here. Noting down what it is I feel and think and ask. Topics may range, but this is going to be about me, about finding who and what is left after I was used up and cast aside. Maybe by next year, we'll find whether there IS another side to this desert.
So hey, come along. Look at a place burnt dry by neglect and abuse and manipulation. See the few things that keep me walking.
I'll show you something different than your shadow before us in the dawn and behind us at dusk.
I'll show you fear in a handful of dust.