Life's not a tightrope walk anymore.
My perception of loneliness is an understatement in which, well, just creeps me out. I read some older entries, and it's weird, how universal feelings are, and just how quickly and immediately they creep back into the list of emotions felt at that moment. As for me, it's right now. All throughout high school, I've always thought I exaggerate my emotions to the extreme, as do all teenage, hormone-influenced, melodramatic high school students do. But, the more I read, the more I realize how deeply I inflicted some wounds. Even when I try to make them so deep, too deep for recognition... well, I guess it's about time for a wonderfully cliche emo lyric-thing, where I say wounds turn to scars, and the scars never fade... kinda thing. Maybe not so much as such, but something along those lines.
It just creeps me out.
Just how vivid these feelings, these emotions, really are to me.
Ah. But I think I'll save this for a later date. In fact, I do believe a major influence in how I'm feeling is truly how my room is freeeeeezing, and how late it is tonight. Or shall I say morning.
But, reconciling with past emotions, (because now I can't forget about it...) I've come to realize, and grown to realize, a simple little fact. Life really, is truly good. Period. Maybe it's just that I feel, yanno, that whole blessed thing, cause I still have my life. It's weird to say that if life went the way I wanted it a few years ago, well. I wouldn't be living. And all the times I had failed attempts, I just kept telling myself there was something I wasn't doing right. Or maybe it was that I just recently graduated, when I never thought I would make it past middle school. Maybe, it's that feeling of growing up. I have turned eighteen. Maybe it's just that, hell, I'm surviving this mess called home life. Or, fuck. Recovering from two knee surgeries... before I even turned eighteen. Eh. Maybe it's that teenage, hormone-influenced, melodramatic high school student, well... You know what I wanna call myself.
But all that aside. Something did work in my favor, and may I quote my dad in sayin that "karma should be damn good to me." It's just this overall positive feeling I have whenever I wake up. Eh, so I'm still working on that waking up part, but in general, I really don't feel lonely. And it's not because I have a very lovely, amazing, wonderful, nice, great, adorable, awesome guy, and friends, not that I'm trying to chuck 'em outta the picture or anything, because they all do have some influence. But something, lord knows what happened, but something did, and well, maybe that's growing up? But, in my head this whole time, I thought growing up was a loss of innoence. And well, that was lost a hell of a long time ago. So, even though I knew I could work on the maturity level, I pretty much thought I was better off. Hah. Guess not. Agree or disagree. Like it or hate it. It's my stream of consciousness. And you're pretty much stuck reading it unless you have the willpower to go somewhere else. But I doubt that. Because if you stumble across my little blog do-hickey thing, you're just as bored as I am, and will continue to read just as I will continue to write. Well, type.
Anyways. Maybe I was late hitting that whole growing up thing, and mature thing. And it's taken this god damn long for me to get it. Fuck. It's fucking freezing in this bitch. (Yeah, there's that stream of consciousness for ya.) Duude, and I just got rid of my rauchy carpet that actually kept, somehow, my room warm. I don't think I have ever heard of someone using a heater in the summer. Yeah. That's me right now. Damn. I have ADD. But there's something now telling me it's not that I didn't do it right, but better yet, it's not my time, and no matter how many times I try, I can't leave just yet. But it's not like I'm bound to do something extraordinary or anything. It's just that my existence, the reason for my being, wasn't, and hasn't, come to a full 360 or anything. I dunno... mlergh.
Well, I pretty much just wanted to self-reflect, and, in the process, write something beautiful. Ah, at least one was accomplished. Actually. I lied.
Something beautiful. Well, sweetie, if you made it this far, bravo. And here's that little blurb I told you about. You know who you are.
So, I was, in fact, bored as shit, as you celebrate Danny's birthday, and started to read those little blogs on that myspace of yours. And, in the mist of interpreting your confusion, I yearned, more than anything I have before, a hug. To hug. To hold. Well, who do you think? Yuuup. Mine truly: you. Everything about what we have is so simple. Compared to what I'm used to, the whole confusion and drama, it's so nice. Simplicity. I don't think I can count the many times I told you those three little words, and yet, those don't even acquaint the numerous times I wanted to say them. Hah, you're the perfect height for me, and I'm sure, as you say, I to you. So perfect, that I fit perfectly snug on your collarbone when we hug, or right under your chin when we hold each other. Yes, I do think I would never know precisely how to extract and intertwine words to recreate this ...this feeling of content. I never have felt so, just plain, old fucking happy. And, that's pretty much all I feel when I'm with you. Granted, I'm sure there are times when I want to smack you, and probably for all the right reasons, too (from my perspective), but that's besides the point. This whole, overall feeling. I don't feel confused. I'm just content. I love it. I love you. It's so weird. I mean, I don't have an infatuation with pulling the past outta ya, nor defining everything you ever thought. The here and now is all that matters, and I never had that feeling before. It may seem romantic when I say I want to know all I can about you (or flat out stalker-ish, you choose...), or that this yearn to know about you or whatever is a driving force on how I act about you, or feel about you, or think about you. Or whatever. If you even understood that. I'm not all too sure that I understood that myself. OMG I have the nastiest booger, and it itches more than a baby's diaper rash. EWWWWW. I sooo can ruin pretty moments... Damn! I kinda don't even want to continue on writing. o.0
But I will, and you know what? (Hmm?) <-hahaha. Shut up. It's my stream of consciousness, MINE I TELL YOU. Muah.ha.hah. Ah, anyway... sheesh, as I try to sort this out in my head for you... Bleeh. I am finding a hard time. Eh, well, here goes... I don't have to think about the past, and I don't worry about the future. I don't even live fullest in the moment. I sorta just live, and well, I've always found it hard, but in your presence... as, well, either creepy-stalker or romantic, or just weird, this may sound, but it all seems fine, to just go. Or live. Maybe not having done something extraordinary every day, or even every few days, but to just live. To just be. To be life. Nature. In the essence. It's weird, and now I'm gonna worry if I freaked you out or something. Hence the whole, complete stream of consciousness thing. Okie. I think, as I read over this, I just confused myself even more. Shit. So goes for beautiful. Or romantic. Or whatever. But hey! Let's just get this over with! hahah. I used to act according to how desperately I wanted to know about someone. When I was in a relationship. But I don't anymore. I used to long for knowing every tiny detail about someone. But I don't anymore. I'm not a nuisance anymore, I guess is what I'm trying to say. And you definitely get some thanks for that.
Haha, Cheek to Cheek just came on as I typed that. "...Dance with me, I want my arm about you, that charm about you will carry me through to heaven..." I do wish we did go to the beach after after prom. :P oh well, eh? haha Can we be one of those annoying but cute couples that post picture of both of us all over our myspaces and facebooks? And leave comments all the time? With the whole heart as a less than three thing. ahahah you know what I'm talking about. Oh, this next full moon, which is the 30th of the month, can we go lie out on a blanket in the park all night? Let's go to Six Flags! Right at the opening, and stay until they shut all the rides down on us. Or better yet, because of the horribly long lines, let's go to the waterpark! ^-^ Hahaha, we never got around to me playin that character you leveled up. Aww, I miss her! Dance with me. Sing to me, as I sing to you. Something geeky, though, because that's pretty much how we roll. Let's go to New York, and sing Sinatra's song! I don't know how big of a Sinatra fan you are, but we definitely have to do that. OOH! Let's go to the Slots, and just walk around, for the fuck of it. The Delaware Slots, that is... Camping? I haven't taken my "senior week" yet... ^-^ Hahaha, how about we go to a fancy resturant that we both know either of us could afford even if we tried, order a glass of water, and then walk out after we finish. Damn work. I hope it never gets to where we have to work all the time so we have no time for each other... Cause that will make me sad :'( Longwood Gardens... I have never been there in blossom. Let's get lost in Wilmington. I don't know Wilmington all too well, and I live here. Shit, lord know what there is to do in Philly. Hah. Well, these are just a few ideas, so the next time you ask me what I want to do, think of this, and halfway decide for me, as you yell at me because I made this list online. Sounds good, right?
Fuuuck. I hate my external hard drive. Well, kinda. Only because I don't want to take the time to decipher it, and change it around as I uninstall shit off of it, and just use it as a humongous flash drive. But until then, I have to deal with this dumb shit. Ah well. But I do like my little station I set up as I clean up my room. Yeah, I'm still in the process of cleaning my room, and I should be doing that instead. Ehhh. Haha. So, I pretty much wrote an essay, about nothing and pretty much everything all wrapped in one. Enjoyed much? I sure did. This killed almost two and a half hours. ^-^ just what I wanted, right before I have to go to lifeguard training... ^-^ I'm such a nimrod.
It just creeps me out.
Just how vivid these feelings, these emotions, really are to me.
Ah. But I think I'll save this for a later date. In fact, I do believe a major influence in how I'm feeling is truly how my room is freeeeeezing, and how late it is tonight. Or shall I say morning.
But, reconciling with past emotions, (because now I can't forget about it...) I've come to realize, and grown to realize, a simple little fact. Life really, is truly good. Period. Maybe it's just that I feel, yanno, that whole blessed thing, cause I still have my life. It's weird to say that if life went the way I wanted it a few years ago, well. I wouldn't be living. And all the times I had failed attempts, I just kept telling myself there was something I wasn't doing right. Or maybe it was that I just recently graduated, when I never thought I would make it past middle school. Maybe, it's that feeling of growing up. I have turned eighteen. Maybe it's just that, hell, I'm surviving this mess called home life. Or, fuck. Recovering from two knee surgeries... before I even turned eighteen. Eh. Maybe it's that teenage, hormone-influenced, melodramatic high school student, well... You know what I wanna call myself.
But all that aside. Something did work in my favor, and may I quote my dad in sayin that "karma should be damn good to me." It's just this overall positive feeling I have whenever I wake up. Eh, so I'm still working on that waking up part, but in general, I really don't feel lonely. And it's not because I have a very lovely, amazing, wonderful, nice, great, adorable, awesome guy, and friends, not that I'm trying to chuck 'em outta the picture or anything, because they all do have some influence. But something, lord knows what happened, but something did, and well, maybe that's growing up? But, in my head this whole time, I thought growing up was a loss of innoence. And well, that was lost a hell of a long time ago. So, even though I knew I could work on the maturity level, I pretty much thought I was better off. Hah. Guess not. Agree or disagree. Like it or hate it. It's my stream of consciousness. And you're pretty much stuck reading it unless you have the willpower to go somewhere else. But I doubt that. Because if you stumble across my little blog do-hickey thing, you're just as bored as I am, and will continue to read just as I will continue to write. Well, type.
Anyways. Maybe I was late hitting that whole growing up thing, and mature thing. And it's taken this god damn long for me to get it. Fuck. It's fucking freezing in this bitch. (Yeah, there's that stream of consciousness for ya.) Duude, and I just got rid of my rauchy carpet that actually kept, somehow, my room warm. I don't think I have ever heard of someone using a heater in the summer. Yeah. That's me right now. Damn. I have ADD. But there's something now telling me it's not that I didn't do it right, but better yet, it's not my time, and no matter how many times I try, I can't leave just yet. But it's not like I'm bound to do something extraordinary or anything. It's just that my existence, the reason for my being, wasn't, and hasn't, come to a full 360 or anything. I dunno... mlergh.
Well, I pretty much just wanted to self-reflect, and, in the process, write something beautiful. Ah, at least one was accomplished. Actually. I lied.
Something beautiful. Well, sweetie, if you made it this far, bravo. And here's that little blurb I told you about. You know who you are.
So, I was, in fact, bored as shit, as you celebrate Danny's birthday, and started to read those little blogs on that myspace of yours. And, in the mist of interpreting your confusion, I yearned, more than anything I have before, a hug. To hug. To hold. Well, who do you think? Yuuup. Mine truly: you. Everything about what we have is so simple. Compared to what I'm used to, the whole confusion and drama, it's so nice. Simplicity. I don't think I can count the many times I told you those three little words, and yet, those don't even acquaint the numerous times I wanted to say them. Hah, you're the perfect height for me, and I'm sure, as you say, I to you. So perfect, that I fit perfectly snug on your collarbone when we hug, or right under your chin when we hold each other. Yes, I do think I would never know precisely how to extract and intertwine words to recreate this ...this feeling of content. I never have felt so, just plain, old fucking happy. And, that's pretty much all I feel when I'm with you. Granted, I'm sure there are times when I want to smack you, and probably for all the right reasons, too (from my perspective), but that's besides the point. This whole, overall feeling. I don't feel confused. I'm just content. I love it. I love you. It's so weird. I mean, I don't have an infatuation with pulling the past outta ya, nor defining everything you ever thought. The here and now is all that matters, and I never had that feeling before. It may seem romantic when I say I want to know all I can about you (or flat out stalker-ish, you choose...), or that this yearn to know about you or whatever is a driving force on how I act about you, or feel about you, or think about you. Or whatever. If you even understood that. I'm not all too sure that I understood that myself. OMG I have the nastiest booger, and it itches more than a baby's diaper rash. EWWWWW. I sooo can ruin pretty moments... Damn! I kinda don't even want to continue on writing. o.0
But I will, and you know what? (Hmm?) <-hahaha. Shut up. It's my stream of consciousness, MINE I TELL YOU. Muah.ha.hah. Ah, anyway... sheesh, as I try to sort this out in my head for you... Bleeh. I am finding a hard time. Eh, well, here goes... I don't have to think about the past, and I don't worry about the future. I don't even live fullest in the moment. I sorta just live, and well, I've always found it hard, but in your presence... as, well, either creepy-stalker or romantic, or just weird, this may sound, but it all seems fine, to just go. Or live. Maybe not having done something extraordinary every day, or even every few days, but to just live. To just be. To be life. Nature. In the essence. It's weird, and now I'm gonna worry if I freaked you out or something. Hence the whole, complete stream of consciousness thing. Okie. I think, as I read over this, I just confused myself even more. Shit. So goes for beautiful. Or romantic. Or whatever. But hey! Let's just get this over with! hahah. I used to act according to how desperately I wanted to know about someone. When I was in a relationship. But I don't anymore. I used to long for knowing every tiny detail about someone. But I don't anymore. I'm not a nuisance anymore, I guess is what I'm trying to say. And you definitely get some thanks for that.
Haha, Cheek to Cheek just came on as I typed that. "...Dance with me, I want my arm about you, that charm about you will carry me through to heaven..." I do wish we did go to the beach after after prom. :P oh well, eh? haha Can we be one of those annoying but cute couples that post picture of both of us all over our myspaces and facebooks? And leave comments all the time? With the whole heart as a less than three thing. ahahah you know what I'm talking about. Oh, this next full moon, which is the 30th of the month, can we go lie out on a blanket in the park all night? Let's go to Six Flags! Right at the opening, and stay until they shut all the rides down on us. Or better yet, because of the horribly long lines, let's go to the waterpark! ^-^ Hahaha, we never got around to me playin that character you leveled up. Aww, I miss her! Dance with me. Sing to me, as I sing to you. Something geeky, though, because that's pretty much how we roll. Let's go to New York, and sing Sinatra's song! I don't know how big of a Sinatra fan you are, but we definitely have to do that. OOH! Let's go to the Slots, and just walk around, for the fuck of it. The Delaware Slots, that is... Camping? I haven't taken my "senior week" yet... ^-^ Hahaha, how about we go to a fancy resturant that we both know either of us could afford even if we tried, order a glass of water, and then walk out after we finish. Damn work. I hope it never gets to where we have to work all the time so we have no time for each other... Cause that will make me sad :'( Longwood Gardens... I have never been there in blossom. Let's get lost in Wilmington. I don't know Wilmington all too well, and I live here. Shit, lord know what there is to do in Philly. Hah. Well, these are just a few ideas, so the next time you ask me what I want to do, think of this, and halfway decide for me, as you yell at me because I made this list online. Sounds good, right?
Fuuuck. I hate my external hard drive. Well, kinda. Only because I don't want to take the time to decipher it, and change it around as I uninstall shit off of it, and just use it as a humongous flash drive. But until then, I have to deal with this dumb shit. Ah well. But I do like my little station I set up as I clean up my room. Yeah, I'm still in the process of cleaning my room, and I should be doing that instead. Ehhh. Haha. So, I pretty much wrote an essay, about nothing and pretty much everything all wrapped in one. Enjoyed much? I sure did. This killed almost two and a half hours. ^-^ just what I wanted, right before I have to go to lifeguard training... ^-^ I'm such a nimrod.