Long musings of a wondering mind
I was just re-reading the first emails Randy and I every sent each other to get a sense of what I felt back then. I've been discontent with our relationship for a while. It's strange that when I go back and read his words, I still get the feelings that I had when I first read them, even if they are discomfort or embarrassment. It's also sad to see where we were and where we've come to be.
There are never, have never been, and will never be easy answers to relationship questions. I don't know how much of my unease is a factor of long-distance, or perhaps long-term, or maybe genuine unhappiness that's hard to recognize because it creeps in so slowly. It's never clear cut knowing what's good, bad, or normal in a relationship.
I wonder a lot of things. I wonder if things will feel differently if/when he moves up here and we have a chance to date. I wonder if we can achieve a dating feeling (which I would like to have a while) after the path our relationship has taken due to circumstance. Will I feel more, or understand how I truly feel better, if the pressure of one of use staying with the other- i.e. 24 hour/day interaction- is off after we live in the same area? Will we respect and care about each other more when we live closer, and the other person becomes a real person, not just a voice on the phone? I know I've come to take him for granted and sometimes resent feeling like I have to talk to him; I'm bitter that he's done the same to me, as far as the taking for granted goes.
What's strange is that I have always liked not just him, but the role that he represents. I like having someone, and not necessarily his particular someone all the time. I know that was a factor even from the beginning, because before we met I was so lonely at school that I would obsess over it and be unable/unwilling to accomplish school work. I believe that most, if not all of us, do have that desire to fill the role of "someone who cares about just me" which factors into our decision to enter relationships at all. It's just worrisome to realize, because it always leaves me wondering whether I really love the person, or want to keep them for what they represent. I know that most of my past relationships were about filling that role, but I only truly understood that with clarity after the fact. Here I am wondering the same thing I wondered in all of those, and what would the clear answer be if it was over and I was looking back?
I once had the distinct feeling I had found everything in Randy. I still don't see him missing anything I was looking for now. Does that mean I should be with him till one of us dies? If I think so, will that ever mean I can expect him to feel the same way? No two people ever feel the same way about their relationship. They may both be happy, but they both have unique experiences of it. What if one isn't truly happy? What if they aren't aware of it?
Part of why Randy initially wanted me is because there are characteristics to my personality that he wants to emulate. I was wary of that from the beginning, because I don't want us to build a relationship based on who we promise to become. He disagreed and said that his intentions to be more motivated, to volunteer, and to care about social change (some of the aforementioned desired characteristics) were real. I feel like that "promise" as I'll loosely call it, is wearing thin. I feel frustration at that starting to show through on my end. But can I really be justified in feeling frustrated? Didn't I think I loved him for who he was, not just who he promised to be? And am I being to harsh? I can see a real possibility that he has begun to change, but I didn't know him well enough before to see it, and I'm judging him too harshly.
And still, yet another possibility is that none of this will matter. For all my wondering and confusion, I may feel just fine about us in a few days. It has never been and will never be easy to predict. I remember one of my friends who has had more long-term relationships than me saying that even in great couplings these days of doubt exist. How many days does it take to signify unhappy? No one can tell me, because there is no absolute correct way to tell.
I don't want us to be in the place we've arrived in. It's too mundane, unappreciated and banal. I want to feel the relationship I'm in, not just exist in it. I want to feel emotion that I take notice of toward the person that I "love." I put the word love in quotes because I don't understand the meaning of it, don't believe it really means that same amongst different people, and only have a vague concept of my meaning of it. I think a vague concept is all I ever will have.
And so, after pouring all that out on the page, at least it's written down somewhere. Too add the poignancy it lacks, an example of the words I miss hearing and believing from my man:
"Feel free to call any time-I'd be way too happy to hear your voice to be upset about being woken up."
"I want to talk to you, and I don't care what time it is. I'll just need a minute or two to fully wake up if I've fallen asleep-and don't let that stop you from calling! I want to talk, and again, don't care what time that may be."
"think about me all you want-I'll be here thinking about you. I've said it before, and I don't think you believed me, so I'll say it again-if you ever feel like talking, just call. I don't care what time it is, or if I'm asleep. I get excited when I hear the phone ring, hoping it's you."
There are never, have never been, and will never be easy answers to relationship questions. I don't know how much of my unease is a factor of long-distance, or perhaps long-term, or maybe genuine unhappiness that's hard to recognize because it creeps in so slowly. It's never clear cut knowing what's good, bad, or normal in a relationship.
I wonder a lot of things. I wonder if things will feel differently if/when he moves up here and we have a chance to date. I wonder if we can achieve a dating feeling (which I would like to have a while) after the path our relationship has taken due to circumstance. Will I feel more, or understand how I truly feel better, if the pressure of one of use staying with the other- i.e. 24 hour/day interaction- is off after we live in the same area? Will we respect and care about each other more when we live closer, and the other person becomes a real person, not just a voice on the phone? I know I've come to take him for granted and sometimes resent feeling like I have to talk to him; I'm bitter that he's done the same to me, as far as the taking for granted goes.
What's strange is that I have always liked not just him, but the role that he represents. I like having someone, and not necessarily his particular someone all the time. I know that was a factor even from the beginning, because before we met I was so lonely at school that I would obsess over it and be unable/unwilling to accomplish school work. I believe that most, if not all of us, do have that desire to fill the role of "someone who cares about just me" which factors into our decision to enter relationships at all. It's just worrisome to realize, because it always leaves me wondering whether I really love the person, or want to keep them for what they represent. I know that most of my past relationships were about filling that role, but I only truly understood that with clarity after the fact. Here I am wondering the same thing I wondered in all of those, and what would the clear answer be if it was over and I was looking back?
I once had the distinct feeling I had found everything in Randy. I still don't see him missing anything I was looking for now. Does that mean I should be with him till one of us dies? If I think so, will that ever mean I can expect him to feel the same way? No two people ever feel the same way about their relationship. They may both be happy, but they both have unique experiences of it. What if one isn't truly happy? What if they aren't aware of it?
Part of why Randy initially wanted me is because there are characteristics to my personality that he wants to emulate. I was wary of that from the beginning, because I don't want us to build a relationship based on who we promise to become. He disagreed and said that his intentions to be more motivated, to volunteer, and to care about social change (some of the aforementioned desired characteristics) were real. I feel like that "promise" as I'll loosely call it, is wearing thin. I feel frustration at that starting to show through on my end. But can I really be justified in feeling frustrated? Didn't I think I loved him for who he was, not just who he promised to be? And am I being to harsh? I can see a real possibility that he has begun to change, but I didn't know him well enough before to see it, and I'm judging him too harshly.
And still, yet another possibility is that none of this will matter. For all my wondering and confusion, I may feel just fine about us in a few days. It has never been and will never be easy to predict. I remember one of my friends who has had more long-term relationships than me saying that even in great couplings these days of doubt exist. How many days does it take to signify unhappy? No one can tell me, because there is no absolute correct way to tell.
I don't want us to be in the place we've arrived in. It's too mundane, unappreciated and banal. I want to feel the relationship I'm in, not just exist in it. I want to feel emotion that I take notice of toward the person that I "love." I put the word love in quotes because I don't understand the meaning of it, don't believe it really means that same amongst different people, and only have a vague concept of my meaning of it. I think a vague concept is all I ever will have.
And so, after pouring all that out on the page, at least it's written down somewhere. Too add the poignancy it lacks, an example of the words I miss hearing and believing from my man:
"Feel free to call any time-I'd be way too happy to hear your voice to be upset about being woken up."
"I want to talk to you, and I don't care what time it is. I'll just need a minute or two to fully wake up if I've fallen asleep-and don't let that stop you from calling! I want to talk, and again, don't care what time that may be."
"think about me all you want-I'll be here thinking about you. I've said it before, and I don't think you believed me, so I'll say it again-if you ever feel like talking, just call. I don't care what time it is, or if I'm asleep. I get excited when I hear the phone ring, hoping it's you."