If everything was everything, but everything is over...
I knew that it was wrong
So baby, turn the record on
Play that song
Where everything was everything
But everything is over
Everything could be everything
If only we were older
Guess it's just a silly song about you
And how I lost you
And your brown eyes
Everything was everything
But baby it's the last show
Everything could be everything
But it's time to say goodbye so
Get your last fix, and your last hit
Grab your old girl with her new tricks
Honey yeah, it's no surprise
I got lost in your brown eyes...
I have a really hard time letting go of things, and people, especially people -- even if they come and go like the old cliche' of ships passing in the night. It's a reoccurring theme in my life and likely always will be. No matter what people say, promises they make, they still leave. Sometimes they close the door when they go, other times it's a revolving door, walking in and out as it pleases, and still other times they stand with one foot on each side of the door, not entirely gone, but not really here either.
It's been a long few months since I took my leave from LJ, a lot of things have changed, a few have stayed the same and as always there's been some laughs and a lot of heart aches along the way. While I don't want to delve too deeply into the details of any of it, I have learned a lot, about myself and about my friends as well.
I'm not a perfect person, I make mistakes, I assume things, I act out when I'm hurt, and sometimes I love too much. So much that I lose the basis of who I am and I start to measure my self worth by how that person reacts to me, and when they brush me off and push me aside and keep me at arms length, my insecurity becomes overwhelming and thus I become a clinging vine.
After the clinging cycle of behavior, which is usually met with just being shoved away all the harder by the other person, the desperation sets in. In an ever destructive pattern, I then go into mode of trying to change to please the other person, to try and make them like me again. This often works, but it comes with a cost, one that in the end, more often than not ends up being far too high -- which brings us to the next stage -- Resentment -- This is the biggie, this is where it all goes to hell in a hand basket, when the efforts made seem to become the expectation of how I will remain until the end of time.
This of course is not the other person's fault, can't blame them when I'm the idiot jumping through hoops to try and conform to the standard that will keep me in good standing, thereby, I cannot fault them for this expectation when I'm the one that allowed it to become one in the first place. However, this doesn't make the resentment any less of a factor, you see, that's the funny thing about being human, and OMG in touch with your emotions.
And so I resent being chastised for behavior which is very much inherent in my true self, which isn't horrible behavior, it's just not what the other person wishes to deal with. Emo!Summer, Angry!Summer, Defensive!Summer, Rejected!Summer, et al. The resentment of not being accepted as I am after using all self will in order to keep said person from abandoning the friendship.
Resentment begets withdrawing, this is where the relationship either dies a slow painful death, or the quick one where there is that final act of leaving. I begin to pull away, figuring I've already lost whatever that initial spark it was that drew the person to me in the first place. Obviously I'm no longer this awesome person they thought me to be because if I was, why would all the pushing and shoving have ever happened? Why was the pedestal that was built up so high and I willingly went about perching myself upon, kicked out from under me brick by brick until I had to look up to look down?
I can see my part in where things go horribly awry, but guess what folks? It takes TWO to make a friendship falter so epically. I'm not the only one flawed, I just really try not to throw stones from my little glass house anymore. Everyone is a hypocrite and we always hate things in others that we see in ourselves. Maybe some of us are just better about packing that stuff away in neat little boxes to place upon a shelf, thinking that's a safe place for them. Unfortunately, those boxes have a nasty little habit of falling off and opening up at the darnedest times, don't they?
I loved you, more than I ever thought I was capable of loving someone else, God knows part of me still does and always will, but I am not the only one at fault here and I cannot live my life with things kept in boxes, in the end, boxes are emotional clutter just waiting to fall on you.
You say you want to be friends, but if you share the low opinion of me that your nearest and dearest friends seem to, then maybe the kindest thing we can do is just say good bye for now, maybe we'll find our way back one day, maybe we wont. I know you loved me, I don't doubt that, even now. I know you wanted what was best for me, I do. But if you don't really see me and can't accept the person I am, flaws and all, then just let me go. You're breaking my heart every day, just because I haven't reacted in ways you can see, doesn't make it any less true, you have and maybe it's your intent, maybe it isn't. I just don't want to hurt anymore.