FIC: Gone
Title: Gone
Characters: Teyla, John.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Season 4 Missing
Summary: They are just... gone.
“The world is not safe or even what you could call “good.” It is fear and death, destruction and loss.”
She heard his mantra on life as the Athosian leader throughout her tender years but Teyla never truly believed in her father’s words. And when he told her to harden herself, to become strong for the good of their people, she heeded though her heart protested. He said it was a leader’s truth, the knowledge they must bear and not share with those they lead. They should shield them from the truth, as a parent would protect his child.
She’d had to look away and take his words to mean that he merely no longer considered her a child. But slowly the realization crept in: that her father meant to protect her life, but not her illusions or her innocence. He would never have her look away, no matter the gruesomeness of the sight for he knew what would come: that his views would one day become hers, that his burden would weigh on her shoulders.
He knowingly sentenced her to be, at one point, the one standing alone, knowing what will come and what she will need to do, time and time again.
Something died inside her the first time the Wraith came under her leadership. She felt the cold in the pit of her stomach and raised the alarm as she had many times before. She screamed louder though, louder than she ever thought possible. And every step felt slow, everyone’s progress too slow and not urgent enough. The caves seemed too far away and even then, she could imagine no safety in them.
She herded her people along, urging them on and knew her voice sounded calm, determined. Her appearance conveyed assuredness and they did their best to follow her example and not panic.
When the first whine of darts reached them, everything broke apart. The cold threatened to envelop her. It felt as if she was every one of her friends, each feeling the threat bearing down on them. For a moment, it was too much to bear and stopping, closing her eyes so as not to see who would be taken appeared the best recourse.
But then she thought of her father, of the man who always knew what to say in the face of unspeakable pain. The man who molded her and prepared her to live like this, for the rest of her life. She hated him deeply then, as she’d never allowed herself to. There was a brief glimpse, of the other kind of life she might have had but it faded in the white light the first dart’s beam cast on the ground as it came towards them.
She pushed Charin out of the way careful not to injure the old woman and screamed from the dust, for the others to fan out. It was their only recourse now. Run and hope.
When she finally made it to the cave, to find the survivors crouching in darkness, silently praying for their lives, the first thing she did was count them. Then she sat down and waited in silence for more to come. When it was certain no one else would, she stood up in the middle and finally proved herself her father’s daughter.
“We will live through this. We are still here and we will carry on.”
There was a pause as she first looked upon John Sheppard. Her mind told her their weapons were powerful and could easily be trained on the Athosians, should these strangers need something they would be unwilling to give.
But he moved towards her and she wouldn’t shy away. Their closeness ended up having great importance. He stood by her side when the cold came and even though the urgency pressed her on, she returned for him, for the help she sensed he could give.
Every culling has been the same, or rather just one recurring nightmare playing itself out recurrently, throughout her lifetime. But then they came and now the rest is history. Athos was lost and Atlantis has become the home she protects.
There was peace for a while, in heart if not in her life. Her people were safe and John was by her side. She felt the cold once in a while, but it passed and her people survived. She’d escaped her destiny the day she met John.
“Missing” is the word used. The word she uses as if they are a belonging she has misplaced and can find again. As if they might walk back through the gate, of their own accord, apologetic for having been away so long.
But the worse has happened, her heart misled her, blinded her sight until she opened her eyes again to find empty homes and friends lost.
The Wraith are busy fighting enemies Atlantis unleashed on them. A huge improvement was made in their struggle, but the most basic thing, the reason for all of it, the people whose very absence steadied her resolve are now... gone.
Teyla knows enough of the world not to expect too much, she was taught as much. But maybe hope has become a permanent fixture in her make-up. Or maybe just a necessity, to keep her going.
“I have to find them. I have to.”
His finger trails up her arm.
“And you will. I’m here, I’ll help you. You won’t be losing me.”
She’s listened to him before and allowed him to comfort her. Because he knows what it means to lead, she has allowed him to help her carry her burden. Her people’s safety has depended on Elizabeth’s decisions, their health on Carson and their freedom on Atlantis. And this is the result.
He holds her, sensing his words weren’t enough to convince her but Teyla’s reality is of a different fabric. She lost her father the day she disregarded the one thing they truly shared in common beside Wraith DNA: their knowledge of life in Pegasus. And he’s returning to her now, she’s welcoming him back into her heart as she once again assumes the task that is hers alone. Keeping the vigil for their people and waiting to do what she will need to do.
“Teyla… you won’t be losing me.”
She plunges into their kiss, allowing it to shield her from reality for a little while longer and maybe this is the biggest illusion. The one way she has truly deceived herself, in believing that this is one relationship that will manage to escape the laws of her world, that this love is one gift she will not lose.
The Athosian leader stands alone, it is part of her burden. John will not let her carry it alone. And Teyla doesn’t know how to change what she knows, how to reconcile both of these truths.