Angry old man has opinions on John Coulton and his angry old opinions are correct
Hey, do you like Internet memes? Do you like "awesome" things that nerds beat into the ground? How about pointless time-wasting gimmicks that make the geeks over at Digg and Boing Boing say that their "faith in humanity" has been "reaffirmed?" How about zombies? You like those, right? Good. Now how about shitty acoustic guitar music? You like that?
Okay, what about if you combined all those things? Then you'd get John Coulton.
John Coulton is a beardy dork who sings novelty songs. Not the good kind like Weird Al does, where you can say "Hey, some of these lines are pretty clever and it's kinda neat how he was able to change the lyrics to be about a completely different topic yet it still all scans." I mean the bad kind, where he doesn't make jokes at all but rather just reminds you of stuff that you already like. He is everything that is wrong with nerd culture, which is basically, when you get down to it, the ceaseless, lazy celebration of the comfortingly familiar.
Hey, wanna hear a funny song I made about how Tom Cruise is crazy? You'll like it because you'll remember that there was an incident where Tom Cruise jumped on a couch while appearing on "Oprah" and the Internet found it to be very droll. Oh ha ha. Yes, please, John Coulton, remind of this event. No, don't say anything witty about it. All you have to do is to tell us that this event transpired, and we'll do all the heavy lifting of thinking about why it's funny. Oh, hey, how about a song about all the presidents of the United States? It was funny when the Brunching Shuttlecocks did it in 1999, so a shittier take on the same idea is just what we need now. Hey, how about an 18 verse song about zombies? How about a song about bacteria? Hey, no real song would be about bacteria! So any song about bacteria must be a novelty song, right? And novelty songs are funny, right? So this song must be funny, right? So YOU LOVE JOHN COULTON.
Oh, his concert CD is called "Best. Concert. Ever." Haha, get it, it's like something that Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons says! You like the Simpsons, right? So you should like this, because you're an idiot and you'll eat any shit we cram down your blubbering gullet as long as it stimulates some fuzzy memories about Admiral Akbar or Megatron or something.
Okay, what about if you combined all those things? Then you'd get John Coulton.
John Coulton is a beardy dork who sings novelty songs. Not the good kind like Weird Al does, where you can say "Hey, some of these lines are pretty clever and it's kinda neat how he was able to change the lyrics to be about a completely different topic yet it still all scans." I mean the bad kind, where he doesn't make jokes at all but rather just reminds you of stuff that you already like. He is everything that is wrong with nerd culture, which is basically, when you get down to it, the ceaseless, lazy celebration of the comfortingly familiar.
Hey, wanna hear a funny song I made about how Tom Cruise is crazy? You'll like it because you'll remember that there was an incident where Tom Cruise jumped on a couch while appearing on "Oprah" and the Internet found it to be very droll. Oh ha ha. Yes, please, John Coulton, remind of this event. No, don't say anything witty about it. All you have to do is to tell us that this event transpired, and we'll do all the heavy lifting of thinking about why it's funny. Oh, hey, how about a song about all the presidents of the United States? It was funny when the Brunching Shuttlecocks did it in 1999, so a shittier take on the same idea is just what we need now. Hey, how about an 18 verse song about zombies? How about a song about bacteria? Hey, no real song would be about bacteria! So any song about bacteria must be a novelty song, right? And novelty songs are funny, right? So this song must be funny, right? So YOU LOVE JOHN COULTON.
Oh, his concert CD is called "Best. Concert. Ever." Haha, get it, it's like something that Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons says! You like the Simpsons, right? So you should like this, because you're an idiot and you'll eat any shit we cram down your blubbering gullet as long as it stimulates some fuzzy memories about Admiral Akbar or Megatron or something.