PUBLIC SHAMING: Good for strengthening a relationship
Hey, lads, is your lady spending more time sucking down lard milkshakes than sucking on your dick? (OH, that's a line TOO RUDE FOR TELLY, as Zoo magazine would say! GOTCHA! WHAT A SCORCHER!) Then you need AskMen.com's 10 Subtle Ways to Tell Her She's Getting Fat for some quality relationship advice (Thanks to Edgyspice for pointing this out). And let's enjoy the nice Flickr creative commons photo illustrations as well!:
As every man knows, there are some things you just can’t come right out and say to your girlfriend. For obvious reasons, “You’ve put on weight, and I find you less attractive” is one of them. Even if it does have the desired effect and she goes on to drop a few pounds, she’ll never forgive you for pointing it out so bluntly and making her feel like sh*t in the process. For that reason, you need to consider some alternative methods of letting her know that you’re displeased with her recent weight gain. Here are the top 10 subtle ways to tell her she's getting fat -- plain and simple.
As usual with most dating advice you get from men's publications, deception and manipulation are par for the course because HEAVEN FORBID we act like adults. Instead, why don't you get together with your best friend Barney Rubble and come up with some wacky plan to trick your wife into thinking she's fat, then you can come up with another wacky plan to cover up the fact that you forgot it was your anniversary and you didn't buy her a mink-o-saurus coat.
No.10 - Buy her clothes that are too small
If you buy her clothes that are obviously too small for her, not only will she finally have to admit that she’s putting on weight, but she can easily return them for her correct size. First, she’ll have to reveal to you that the clothes are too small. “Oh,” you might say, “I thought you were a size 8. Isn’t that what you were last summer?” The onus is now on her to do something about it.
If the fatty porn stories I've read offer any insight into the workings of the female mind -- and I don't see how smut written by shut-in teenage virgins could be anything less than 100% accurate -- women are incredibly stupid when it comes to clothing sizes. Pretty much 90% of fatty porn plots involve some fatty lover conspiring to get his lady to gain weight in the very model of an open and honest relationship, by which I mean by dumping lard into her slimfast shakes and by buying her extra baggy clothes and then scratching out the labels. Because women have no concept of the self independent from the numbers in their pants, this will prevent them from realizing that they've gained say, 200 pounds. Literally, they will sit around going LA DEE DA, GOSH I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I CAN'T WALK ANYMORE AND WHY I DON'T FIT THROUGH DOORS AND WHY I SEEM TO HAVE NECROTIC TISSUE ALL OVER MY EXTREMITIES, I WONDER IF I GAINED WEIGHT? NOPE, THE NUMBER IN MY PANTS HAS REMAINED UNCHANGED SO I GUESS NOT. So AskMen seems to indicate that this weight blindness works in both directions.
No.9 - Sign her up for yoga under the pretence of "stress relief"
This works particularly well if your girlfriend still hasn’t worked out the link between an active lifestyle and emotional well-being. Tell her you have found exactly what she needs to help her relax, a regular spiritual cleanse in the form of a yoga class. Make sure you choose an intense, calorie-burning form (power yoga or ashtanga yoga), otherwise she may end up rolling around on the floor a couple times a week with no real benefits. The beauty of yoga is that if you dress it up as a way to relieve stress, she may not realize that she’s being tricked into shedding a few pounds, and even if she does, you’ll end up with a happier, more self-confident girlfriend rather than a grumpy lard-ass.
I think they misspelled "pretence." Good job, AskMen.com.
Wait a second...my wife started doing yoga...OH SHIT I THINK SHE THINKS I'M FAT :C
No.8 - Set out on your own weight loss plan
Here’s an interesting experiment for you using reverse psychology. A subtle way to tell her she's getting fat is to tell her you’re not happy with your own level of fitness and she may begin to open her eyes to the wider picture. By referencing yourself in any plans to lose weight, you’re also subtly telling her that you’re not the only one who might benefit from a diet. And even if she does see through your ploy, she’ll at least appreciate the tact you have shown and will hopefully take the message on board.
I like this one because, if you only read the headline, you might actually think this was non-douchey advice. But if you read it, you'll see that it's more HEY BABY I'M PERFECT JUST THE WAY I AM BECAUSE I SAY SO, BUT I'LL PRETEND TO BE LESS THAN PERFECT IF IT'LL SHAME YOU INTO GETTING OFF YOUR ASS. I assume that once the initial shaming is completed and the woman is exercising, that means I can just quit, right? I mean, it's not like I was doing this for my health, right? HAHAHAHA! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
No.7 - Serve her unsatisfactory portions
When dishing up meals for the two of you, try giving her smaller-than-usual amounts. By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she’s going to do about it. If you feel as though you’re starving yourself in the process, remember you can always go back for more when she’s not looking.
Remember, just because you're denying food to your lady doesn't mean you can't still gorge yourself like a starving wolverine on the sly. That's kind of a weird thing to note, because doesn't it really point out the big flaw in this plan? If your woman doesn't get enough food at dinner, won't she, like you, glut herself in a secret orgy of shame later in the night?
No.6 - Improve your own diet
It’s very easy for the two of you to fall into the downward spiral in which many couples begin to replace sexual intimacy with ice cream and cake. Don’t let this happen by focusing on your own health requirements and staking your right to a junk-food-free home. It might even be the only way of separating her from the fatty foods which have led to the current problem.
Another deceptively non-douchey title on this one. I like the final line with its implication that you have to hide food to save your woman from the insatiable exhortations of her gaping Charybdis-like maw.
No.5 - Playfully grab her love handles
Ask any man and he’ll tell you that he instinctively flexes his biceps whenever a woman touches them. The same thing goes for a woman when you make contact with any unwanted flab: She recoils and feels embarrassment. Use this reaction to your advantage. Even if she thinks that you’re too busy at work to have noticed a few extra pounds, if you continually rest your hand on her love handles (or even lightly pinch them), she’ll soon realize that you’re becoming increasingly aware of something that never used to be there before.
Use the power of intimate touch for evil. Because I really want my girlfriend to associate me touching her with feelings of shame and inadequacy.
No.4 - Ask her to wear an old dress
Plan a romantic night out for the two of you and insist that she wears something from when you first got together; particularly something that you know doesn’t fit her anymore. This way she’ll have to admit to you that she’s put on too much weight and can no longer get into many of her old clothes. Follow it up by telling her how good she looked in those days, and maybe she’ll make it her mission to get back to that size.
Don't cry, slightly thick Filippina clip-art model! I know that you're wishing you were a non-threateningly mocha-colored black woman with big frizzy hair and a cardigan so that you could appear in a "network solutions" ad for PeoplePC or something, but you're not. But I still love you.
No.3 - Sabotage her chair
Sometimes as men we have to get downright nefarious to get what we want. You might not be proud of stooping to this level, but nothing says “better lose some weight” like a broken chair. After you loosen a few screws or remove some important slats of a chair in which you know she’ll sit and subsequently break, sit back and watch the guaranteed dietary transformation that ensues. It will profoundly amaze you.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Really. No one will fall for this. Unless your woman is morbidly obese (in which case she probably already knows she's overweight), she's probably going to assume that it's a defective chair. Because proper chairs these days are made to withstand A LOT of weight. Also, I know I would be DELIGHTED at my significant other's concern for my well-being if they pulled this stunt on me. "Oh, so to get me to lose weight you tampered with my chair so that I'd fall down and break my ass? Oh, thanks. No, don't bother to help me up; I wouldn't want you to strain yourself hefting my GIANT WHALE CARCASS off the floor."
No.2 - Leave "now" and "then" photos lying around
This is a highly effective way to draw attention to the explicit changes to her body as you see them. By consistently reminding her of how she used to look, she’ll inevitably be more inclined to do something about her excess flab. Appropriately chosen and strategically placed photos should accomplish this quite nicely. Keep in mind, if she confronts you about trying to shame her into losing weight, the key approach here is denial, as you reply: “Do you actually think I would be that manipulative?” Of course you would, but she doesn’t need to know that.
Your woman will appreciate the THINSPIRATION the next time she hangs out with her friend ANNA.
No.1 - Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit
If she seems content staying at home eating donuts in her track pants, why not start taking her to places where she has no choice but to where a swimsuit? As she awkwardly looks around at all the slender bodies having a great time, she’ll more than likely vow to do something about her recent weight gain, especially if she knows she’ll be back there in the not-so-distant future.
No.1 - Be an asshole. A really big one.
As every man knows, there are some things you just can’t come right out and say to your girlfriend. For obvious reasons, “You’ve put on weight, and I find you less attractive” is one of them. Even if it does have the desired effect and she goes on to drop a few pounds, she’ll never forgive you for pointing it out so bluntly and making her feel like sh*t in the process. For that reason, you need to consider some alternative methods of letting her know that you’re displeased with her recent weight gain. Here are the top 10 subtle ways to tell her she's getting fat -- plain and simple.
As usual with most dating advice you get from men's publications, deception and manipulation are par for the course because HEAVEN FORBID we act like adults. Instead, why don't you get together with your best friend Barney Rubble and come up with some wacky plan to trick your wife into thinking she's fat, then you can come up with another wacky plan to cover up the fact that you forgot it was your anniversary and you didn't buy her a mink-o-saurus coat.
No.10 - Buy her clothes that are too small
If you buy her clothes that are obviously too small for her, not only will she finally have to admit that she’s putting on weight, but she can easily return them for her correct size. First, she’ll have to reveal to you that the clothes are too small. “Oh,” you might say, “I thought you were a size 8. Isn’t that what you were last summer?” The onus is now on her to do something about it.
If the fatty porn stories I've read offer any insight into the workings of the female mind -- and I don't see how smut written by shut-in teenage virgins could be anything less than 100% accurate -- women are incredibly stupid when it comes to clothing sizes. Pretty much 90% of fatty porn plots involve some fatty lover conspiring to get his lady to gain weight in the very model of an open and honest relationship, by which I mean by dumping lard into her slimfast shakes and by buying her extra baggy clothes and then scratching out the labels. Because women have no concept of the self independent from the numbers in their pants, this will prevent them from realizing that they've gained say, 200 pounds. Literally, they will sit around going LA DEE DA, GOSH I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I CAN'T WALK ANYMORE AND WHY I DON'T FIT THROUGH DOORS AND WHY I SEEM TO HAVE NECROTIC TISSUE ALL OVER MY EXTREMITIES, I WONDER IF I GAINED WEIGHT? NOPE, THE NUMBER IN MY PANTS HAS REMAINED UNCHANGED SO I GUESS NOT. So AskMen seems to indicate that this weight blindness works in both directions.
No.9 - Sign her up for yoga under the pretence of "stress relief"
This works particularly well if your girlfriend still hasn’t worked out the link between an active lifestyle and emotional well-being. Tell her you have found exactly what she needs to help her relax, a regular spiritual cleanse in the form of a yoga class. Make sure you choose an intense, calorie-burning form (power yoga or ashtanga yoga), otherwise she may end up rolling around on the floor a couple times a week with no real benefits. The beauty of yoga is that if you dress it up as a way to relieve stress, she may not realize that she’s being tricked into shedding a few pounds, and even if she does, you’ll end up with a happier, more self-confident girlfriend rather than a grumpy lard-ass.
I think they misspelled "pretence." Good job, AskMen.com.
Wait a second...my wife started doing yoga...OH SHIT I THINK SHE THINKS I'M FAT :C
No.8 - Set out on your own weight loss plan
Here’s an interesting experiment for you using reverse psychology. A subtle way to tell her she's getting fat is to tell her you’re not happy with your own level of fitness and she may begin to open her eyes to the wider picture. By referencing yourself in any plans to lose weight, you’re also subtly telling her that you’re not the only one who might benefit from a diet. And even if she does see through your ploy, she’ll at least appreciate the tact you have shown and will hopefully take the message on board.
I like this one because, if you only read the headline, you might actually think this was non-douchey advice. But if you read it, you'll see that it's more HEY BABY I'M PERFECT JUST THE WAY I AM BECAUSE I SAY SO, BUT I'LL PRETEND TO BE LESS THAN PERFECT IF IT'LL SHAME YOU INTO GETTING OFF YOUR ASS. I assume that once the initial shaming is completed and the woman is exercising, that means I can just quit, right? I mean, it's not like I was doing this for my health, right? HAHAHAHA! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
No.7 - Serve her unsatisfactory portions
When dishing up meals for the two of you, try giving her smaller-than-usual amounts. By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she’s going to do about it. If you feel as though you’re starving yourself in the process, remember you can always go back for more when she’s not looking.
Remember, just because you're denying food to your lady doesn't mean you can't still gorge yourself like a starving wolverine on the sly. That's kind of a weird thing to note, because doesn't it really point out the big flaw in this plan? If your woman doesn't get enough food at dinner, won't she, like you, glut herself in a secret orgy of shame later in the night?
No.6 - Improve your own diet
It’s very easy for the two of you to fall into the downward spiral in which many couples begin to replace sexual intimacy with ice cream and cake. Don’t let this happen by focusing on your own health requirements and staking your right to a junk-food-free home. It might even be the only way of separating her from the fatty foods which have led to the current problem.
Another deceptively non-douchey title on this one. I like the final line with its implication that you have to hide food to save your woman from the insatiable exhortations of her gaping Charybdis-like maw.
No.5 - Playfully grab her love handles
Ask any man and he’ll tell you that he instinctively flexes his biceps whenever a woman touches them. The same thing goes for a woman when you make contact with any unwanted flab: She recoils and feels embarrassment. Use this reaction to your advantage. Even if she thinks that you’re too busy at work to have noticed a few extra pounds, if you continually rest your hand on her love handles (or even lightly pinch them), she’ll soon realize that you’re becoming increasingly aware of something that never used to be there before.
Use the power of intimate touch for evil. Because I really want my girlfriend to associate me touching her with feelings of shame and inadequacy.
No.4 - Ask her to wear an old dress
Plan a romantic night out for the two of you and insist that she wears something from when you first got together; particularly something that you know doesn’t fit her anymore. This way she’ll have to admit to you that she’s put on too much weight and can no longer get into many of her old clothes. Follow it up by telling her how good she looked in those days, and maybe she’ll make it her mission to get back to that size.
Don't cry, slightly thick Filippina clip-art model! I know that you're wishing you were a non-threateningly mocha-colored black woman with big frizzy hair and a cardigan so that you could appear in a "network solutions" ad for PeoplePC or something, but you're not. But I still love you.
No.3 - Sabotage her chair
Sometimes as men we have to get downright nefarious to get what we want. You might not be proud of stooping to this level, but nothing says “better lose some weight” like a broken chair. After you loosen a few screws or remove some important slats of a chair in which you know she’ll sit and subsequently break, sit back and watch the guaranteed dietary transformation that ensues. It will profoundly amaze you.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Really. No one will fall for this. Unless your woman is morbidly obese (in which case she probably already knows she's overweight), she's probably going to assume that it's a defective chair. Because proper chairs these days are made to withstand A LOT of weight. Also, I know I would be DELIGHTED at my significant other's concern for my well-being if they pulled this stunt on me. "Oh, so to get me to lose weight you tampered with my chair so that I'd fall down and break my ass? Oh, thanks. No, don't bother to help me up; I wouldn't want you to strain yourself hefting my GIANT WHALE CARCASS off the floor."
No.2 - Leave "now" and "then" photos lying around
This is a highly effective way to draw attention to the explicit changes to her body as you see them. By consistently reminding her of how she used to look, she’ll inevitably be more inclined to do something about her excess flab. Appropriately chosen and strategically placed photos should accomplish this quite nicely. Keep in mind, if she confronts you about trying to shame her into losing weight, the key approach here is denial, as you reply: “Do you actually think I would be that manipulative?” Of course you would, but she doesn’t need to know that.
Your woman will appreciate the THINSPIRATION the next time she hangs out with her friend ANNA.
No.1 - Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit
If she seems content staying at home eating donuts in her track pants, why not start taking her to places where she has no choice but to where a swimsuit? As she awkwardly looks around at all the slender bodies having a great time, she’ll more than likely vow to do something about her recent weight gain, especially if she knows she’ll be back there in the not-so-distant future.
No.1 - Be an asshole. A really big one.