...Empty Heart, Empty Grave...
I lack a heart.
I feel nothing right now. I think I've lost the ability to feel emotion; I told myself that I would no longer recognize all those bad emotions, those negative thoughts that have been flooding my mind of late. The result? A feeling of complete emptiness. I feel cold, disconnected. And the worst part? I'm not even sure I care.
I lack vitality.
I have no energy to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed; I don't want to go to class; I don't want to talk to people. It took me forty minutes to muster up the energy to write down my thoughts here, as I figure clearing my head might be the only thing to do that could possibly help the slightest of bits.
I lack sociability.
My days consist of me waking up, pleading with my clock to let me lie just a little longer, and going to school. While in up at school, I look no one in the eye, dare it be considered a reason to start a conversation. I rarely involve myself in class outside of spurting out a response to a question when I'm annoyed at the rest of the people who's inability to answer a question in class. I follow that blurting out with an immediate gaze downward, so not to be asked to explain myself further.
I lack self confidence.
I feel worthless. I feel like any time invested in me by myself, my family, or my friends is time wasted. I am incapable of producing anything, be it thoughts, words, work, or anything else for that matter, which can be considered even remotely positive.
I lack a love.
It has dawned on me that I am looking at a very, very long 4-6 years. Life with Rachel and I is not going back to normal any time soon...this IS normal. For the next few years I will be away from her more than I am with her. I know that I've known this all along, but I've never really looked at it.
I lack desire.
I have no interest in any of the things I normally enjoy. I don't want to read anything, write anything, listen to anything. Music? Sports? Movies? Nothing. I feel like I'm a half a step away from being comatose. I don't want to DO anything. If at all possible, the only thing I wish to do at the moment, is cease existing.
I lack a sense of humor.
I find nothing funny any more. I think I've lost my ability to see humor in events. I always prided myself to find something laughable about everything. Now? I can't really find it in anything. My laughter turned to tears, and now my sarcasm seems to have turned to truth.
I lack sincerity.
I feel like a phony. I'm an actor. I don't even care about myself, let alone anyone else at the moment. Say hello, ask me how am I doing? Do you care? I sure don't. What good am I to you, if I'm no good to myself? You want my opinion? I have none. You want advice? Who the fuck am I to advise you of anything? I know nothing about life, just like you. It is, and always has been, theoretical if not complete bullshit. But at least I used to mean it and have good intentions behind it...
I lack empathy.
I don't know if I lack the ability, but I do lack the energy necessary to try. I don't care to try. I don't want to put myself in your shoes, like I've so often done, to think about your problems. I have enough. I don't want to deal with trivial bullshit. I don't want to see more real problems either. I've just had enough.
I lack a grandmother.
I've broken. I don't know if I can be fixed. I miss her so much...One of the few people in this world who had total faith in me, and believed in me, who thought of me as special and unique and having all these wonderful qualities...is gone. And not only that, but I feel as though if she could see me now, she would be more than just disappointed.
I do not lack pain. I do not lack tears. I do not lack fear. I do not lack self loathing. These things, I have plenty of.
I feel nothing right now. I think I've lost the ability to feel emotion; I told myself that I would no longer recognize all those bad emotions, those negative thoughts that have been flooding my mind of late. The result? A feeling of complete emptiness. I feel cold, disconnected. And the worst part? I'm not even sure I care.
I lack vitality.
I have no energy to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed; I don't want to go to class; I don't want to talk to people. It took me forty minutes to muster up the energy to write down my thoughts here, as I figure clearing my head might be the only thing to do that could possibly help the slightest of bits.
I lack sociability.
My days consist of me waking up, pleading with my clock to let me lie just a little longer, and going to school. While in up at school, I look no one in the eye, dare it be considered a reason to start a conversation. I rarely involve myself in class outside of spurting out a response to a question when I'm annoyed at the rest of the people who's inability to answer a question in class. I follow that blurting out with an immediate gaze downward, so not to be asked to explain myself further.
I lack self confidence.
I feel worthless. I feel like any time invested in me by myself, my family, or my friends is time wasted. I am incapable of producing anything, be it thoughts, words, work, or anything else for that matter, which can be considered even remotely positive.
I lack a love.
It has dawned on me that I am looking at a very, very long 4-6 years. Life with Rachel and I is not going back to normal any time soon...this IS normal. For the next few years I will be away from her more than I am with her. I know that I've known this all along, but I've never really looked at it.
I lack desire.
I have no interest in any of the things I normally enjoy. I don't want to read anything, write anything, listen to anything. Music? Sports? Movies? Nothing. I feel like I'm a half a step away from being comatose. I don't want to DO anything. If at all possible, the only thing I wish to do at the moment, is cease existing.
I lack a sense of humor.
I find nothing funny any more. I think I've lost my ability to see humor in events. I always prided myself to find something laughable about everything. Now? I can't really find it in anything. My laughter turned to tears, and now my sarcasm seems to have turned to truth.
I lack sincerity.
I feel like a phony. I'm an actor. I don't even care about myself, let alone anyone else at the moment. Say hello, ask me how am I doing? Do you care? I sure don't. What good am I to you, if I'm no good to myself? You want my opinion? I have none. You want advice? Who the fuck am I to advise you of anything? I know nothing about life, just like you. It is, and always has been, theoretical if not complete bullshit. But at least I used to mean it and have good intentions behind it...
I lack empathy.
I don't know if I lack the ability, but I do lack the energy necessary to try. I don't care to try. I don't want to put myself in your shoes, like I've so often done, to think about your problems. I have enough. I don't want to deal with trivial bullshit. I don't want to see more real problems either. I've just had enough.
I lack a grandmother.
I've broken. I don't know if I can be fixed. I miss her so much...One of the few people in this world who had total faith in me, and believed in me, who thought of me as special and unique and having all these wonderful qualities...is gone. And not only that, but I feel as though if she could see me now, she would be more than just disappointed.
I do not lack pain. I do not lack tears. I do not lack fear. I do not lack self loathing. These things, I have plenty of.