Oh jesus if you only knew.
Hello world, this is Yovi. Yes i am a fuck up and a fucker. Today was a good day, excuse me for being pretentious. I love how this world which i created became. Fuck me and my life, i know. I'm sorry, i'm sorry doesn't cover all the shit i have done, i deserve it, its pay back for hurting everyone now and those in the past. I miss my friends, i miss life in nyc in general. But what can i do? i can't do anything but pray my life just exceeds to a higher standard. I refuse to throw myself into a pit of idiocy and become nothing..because i'm already on that train. But i have to get off it soon. I wish people would understand what's going on with me. And if i did all those things, they were simple, i wasn't ready to be committed, i was ready to love and care but not to be committed, i'm sorry for that being the only thing in which i act my age. School work and future financial plans i act like a 50 year old, fun shit i act like a 2 year old and relationships...i act 18, because i'm not ready for them. That is why i'm gone, and i dropped a lot of shit, because i just want to fucking experience life. God, i'm going through the worse who knows if it will get worse in my life, but right now as an 18 year old this is too much and unfairly too much for me, but that's life and i have to deal with it. Randi i'm sorry i suck, jessickah, i'm sorry i suck too and i'm sorry for having feelings. I'm sorry for being so gullible and falling for all these beautiful girls who tame me with their beauty and make me fuck up, i'm sorry i just get all weird in general. I'm sorry for being me, i'm sorry i'm a good person and i over do it when i get bad, and when i fuck up i really fuck up..i guess that's why i'm known for doing things all the way not half-shits. I'm sorry i can't express exactly how i feel right now because i'm fucked up. I'm sorry i got fucked up in the first place, why did i do it? to get away..but here it is biting me in the ass. It was a stupid release, like my good friend sydle just said, 'you figure pain is your only outlet right now, its not wrong, but you need a new outlet.' Soon i'll get better and you know what, you will all see i can be a good person, and i can prove to everyone that i'm going to be what i want to be and i'll be fucking good at it. I'm just fucking sorry, i really am, if i could take back all the shit i did i would but i can't, i just have to make up for it. One day someone will think 'shit, she's not so bad' and then i don't know, wow i'm not making any sense. Look my point is...
Dear God,
why did you make me this way? am i even in your checklist? do you even know i exist, i think you forgot about me..don't think i'm a lost case god, you just need to help me..this is one of those times i can't get up. God what did i do wrong? where did i turn?..so i can go back and take another turn. If this is your idea of devine happiness..fuck you God, fuck you father for being unfair. I love you but you make me cry.
Dear Dad,
Why can't you see that i'm not a mistake, i was just unexpected..seriously, dad remember every sporting and music performing event you missed? i bet you don't, you missed them. Remember that one art gallery...and the MOMA high school edition gallery...i bet you don't, you missed it too. Dad remember my awards ceremonies..oh wait, you were late..you only got to picking me up or me meeting up with me half way home. Dad you never went to visit me at the hospital when i was going through chemo..you got as far as dropping me off. Dad you suck, i know, but i love you, i love you because of who you are, not how you are to me. Dad if you only saw how much admiration i have for you, jesus christ dad you seriously have no idea what a great person you are in my eyes, goddamnit dad you just don't get it, i want to be like you. Dad give me all your tricks, how did you get so damn smart and how did you make all your money?..no wait you told me all those, but for what? Damnit dad you seriously just completely suck at being a friend, quit being my dad, be my dad when i fuck up not when i need you...because if you haven't realized i haven't fucked up i just got fucked up (i deserve it). Dad i miss you, i miss you so much. I miss how you would hug me when i started getting sick. Dad you seriously suck, man, you suck so bad that this goddamn fish i'm staring at looks better than you. Dad remember when we would wash the cars together? dad remember when you taught me how to fix stuff on the car, goddamn dad you forgot that..you forgot you taught me how to change a tire. Dad remember when you took of my training wheels and told me you wouldn't let go? dad, i looked back..you let go and i fell and scrapped my knee..Dad you let go again, and guess what? i just fell on my face. You know, some people think not having a dad at all sucks...but you know what i think, i think having a dad and then not having you be there at all..is worse. Dad our life together went down the drain when i started to think on my own, i was 11..what happened? was i doing my homework on my own again?..i'm sorry. i won't do it again, i promise..but can you come and help me? I guess not..after i did that math problem on my own you got yourself a set of new priorities, you're right, it was my fault we fell apart. I'm sorry..dad, for loving you even if you weren't there when i needed you. Dad i wish you appreciated me, for being gay, for doing good in school without your help, for being happy, for doing bad teenage things, for running away, sneaking out and crashing your car. Dad i'm sorry for getting high, is that it? my first hit? i'm sorry for that too..you were right, it was a gate way..but guess what i learned on my own. Dad was it the navy? goddamnit dad i thought you were proud, but i forgot, the navy isn't for 'girls' its for 'men' you know what dad..long story short I AM VERY SORRY, just for being born. I love you dad but i don't hate you for making me cry, i hate you for making me bawl-and-crawl-to-corners-terrified of you.
Dear God,
I guess i'm not mad at you at all...just upset you misguided him, not me.
Well there you have it, the cause for all my mistakes..but that's no excuse, i have no excuse i'm just fucked up, period. Realize a few things though, my only request..all the good times, think positive not negative right? that's why..Dad, if you're still with me.. i never once complained when you ditched me.
I guess i get to call you father now.
Dear God,
why did you make me this way? am i even in your checklist? do you even know i exist, i think you forgot about me..don't think i'm a lost case god, you just need to help me..this is one of those times i can't get up. God what did i do wrong? where did i turn?..so i can go back and take another turn. If this is your idea of devine happiness..fuck you God, fuck you father for being unfair. I love you but you make me cry.
Dear Dad,
Why can't you see that i'm not a mistake, i was just unexpected..seriously, dad remember every sporting and music performing event you missed? i bet you don't, you missed them. Remember that one art gallery...and the MOMA high school edition gallery...i bet you don't, you missed it too. Dad remember my awards ceremonies..oh wait, you were late..you only got to picking me up or me meeting up with me half way home. Dad you never went to visit me at the hospital when i was going through chemo..you got as far as dropping me off. Dad you suck, i know, but i love you, i love you because of who you are, not how you are to me. Dad if you only saw how much admiration i have for you, jesus christ dad you seriously have no idea what a great person you are in my eyes, goddamnit dad you just don't get it, i want to be like you. Dad give me all your tricks, how did you get so damn smart and how did you make all your money?..no wait you told me all those, but for what? Damnit dad you seriously just completely suck at being a friend, quit being my dad, be my dad when i fuck up not when i need you...because if you haven't realized i haven't fucked up i just got fucked up (i deserve it). Dad i miss you, i miss you so much. I miss how you would hug me when i started getting sick. Dad you seriously suck, man, you suck so bad that this goddamn fish i'm staring at looks better than you. Dad remember when we would wash the cars together? dad remember when you taught me how to fix stuff on the car, goddamn dad you forgot that..you forgot you taught me how to change a tire. Dad remember when you took of my training wheels and told me you wouldn't let go? dad, i looked back..you let go and i fell and scrapped my knee..Dad you let go again, and guess what? i just fell on my face. You know, some people think not having a dad at all sucks...but you know what i think, i think having a dad and then not having you be there at all..is worse. Dad our life together went down the drain when i started to think on my own, i was 11..what happened? was i doing my homework on my own again?..i'm sorry. i won't do it again, i promise..but can you come and help me? I guess not..after i did that math problem on my own you got yourself a set of new priorities, you're right, it was my fault we fell apart. I'm sorry..dad, for loving you even if you weren't there when i needed you. Dad i wish you appreciated me, for being gay, for doing good in school without your help, for being happy, for doing bad teenage things, for running away, sneaking out and crashing your car. Dad i'm sorry for getting high, is that it? my first hit? i'm sorry for that too..you were right, it was a gate way..but guess what i learned on my own. Dad was it the navy? goddamnit dad i thought you were proud, but i forgot, the navy isn't for 'girls' its for 'men' you know what dad..long story short I AM VERY SORRY, just for being born. I love you dad but i don't hate you for making me cry, i hate you for making me bawl-and-crawl-to-corners-terrified of you.
Dear God,
I guess i'm not mad at you at all...just upset you misguided him, not me.
Well there you have it, the cause for all my mistakes..but that's no excuse, i have no excuse i'm just fucked up, period. Realize a few things though, my only request..all the good times, think positive not negative right? that's why..Dad, if you're still with me.. i never once complained when you ditched me.
I guess i get to call you father now.