But I'm a human too.
I have been dealing with the issues of others for so long that I have learned to flee from mine. I think, really, that I was just afraid and found, or atleast tried to find, redemption for it in the problems of others. It has reacted in a reverse way; now, for every person I have tried to shield from the wrath of the unmerciful world, I have a new scar. It reminds me very much of Passion of the Christ, in the scene where Jesus is beaten publicly. Though I am not strongly religious whatsoever, I imagine I am kind of a failing Jesus for the ones I care for. Every person I throw myself over to protect, I get a lash for. The only problem is that my issues have swelled and inflated and have decided to rear their ugly heads. They are beginning to burst from the depths of my skin like disgusting pus-filled boils which infect the rest of my body and being. So, I am a failing savior in the sense that my body and mind(the "shield") are wearing thin and becoming incompetant. I no longer know how to glimpse my own demons anymore, for there are so many and every time I try I feel as if I barely retreat with my life. I feel as if I shall never be fully intact again, and that I am alltogether hopeless, helpless and useless. These are the things I used to thrive on, but now that I am broken and useless I can not help people adequately, thus they can no longer use me( and, as I am painfully finding out, people tend to do away with the garbage they can no longer use*). But I want to be the Messiah of those I care for- not in a godly sense, but it a relief/comfort/support system sense.
Sometimes I wish I had a support system of the sorts which I wish to be to my friends. Nevertheless, I don't think I would allow it even if someone was willing. Why bestow that sort of torment upon another? It would be wrong of me. Yet it would be such a relief to feel "clean and normal"- like a human being instead of an object, if I may be as bold to say. I have occasionally confided in someone on minor problems, and even more rarely major ones, but I do not wish to wear anyone thin and hear that I simply "bitch too much." I would not want to be too much to handle or a burden upon a loved one- ever. The single person I do rely on, though a great person(if you read this, you should know who you are) is probably becoming overwhelmed, and since I've already made a dumb bitch out of myself I've resolved to stop calling him so frequently.From now on I am going to start bottling up and caging these emotions so I do not become a larger bother.
But I'm a human too.
*= Abandonment and being forsaken is a bitch, and I do not handle it well, especially when it is not just thrown alltogether in my face. I do not like being ignored, nor do I like being an annoyance or the center of inside jokes.
This rant has been shortened by a paragraph or two. I do not feel it suiting to put the rest.
Sometimes I wish I had a support system of the sorts which I wish to be to my friends. Nevertheless, I don't think I would allow it even if someone was willing. Why bestow that sort of torment upon another? It would be wrong of me. Yet it would be such a relief to feel "clean and normal"- like a human being instead of an object, if I may be as bold to say. I have occasionally confided in someone on minor problems, and even more rarely major ones, but I do not wish to wear anyone thin and hear that I simply "bitch too much." I would not want to be too much to handle or a burden upon a loved one- ever. The single person I do rely on, though a great person(if you read this, you should know who you are) is probably becoming overwhelmed, and since I've already made a dumb bitch out of myself I've resolved to stop calling him so frequently.From now on I am going to start bottling up and caging these emotions so I do not become a larger bother.
But I'm a human too.
*= Abandonment and being forsaken is a bitch, and I do not handle it well, especially when it is not just thrown alltogether in my face. I do not like being ignored, nor do I like being an annoyance or the center of inside jokes.
This rant has been shortened by a paragraph or two. I do not feel it suiting to put the rest.