I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself
This is the first real entry I've made in a very very long time, so please bare with me it may be long.
I miss Allan. There, I said it, for the first time in years on livejournal, for the first time in a long time to myself. I miss him. I was unsure for a while, most likely trying to push down emotions for the sake of my mental health, but as it turns out I do miss him. I know now it's not just the feeling I miss because now that I get that feeling from someone else, all that's missing is him. I miss Allan. I think about him. I think about where he is and what he's doing. I think about the times we had together, and how things would be different if he were around. But, he's not, and I have to go on living my life, and so I do.
I miss Allan, but I fall asleep in someone else's arms at night, and I'm happy. In fact, I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. I'm happy but I am so scared, and I can't tell him because it will for a fact drive him away. I'm scared of falling in love. I'm scared of giving myself to someone else. I haven't been in a relationship in a long time, and I haven't been in a close proximity (and this is as close as it gets) relationship ever, and I'm not sure of how to react. Given, it's not exactly a relationship, it's complicated, but then again if it wasn't it wouldn't be my life now would it? I'm scared. I'm scared of falling in love because I'm not sure if he's capable of being in love (he hasn't been, at the very least in 10 years if at all) or at least with me (now where have we heard that before?). I'm setting myself up for heartache. While it's all Fun & Games, it's fine but what happens when emotions come into play and he's got none to spare for me? I won't go through that again. I can't. I'm scared, scared of not falling in love. I'm scared of investing of myself in a relationship only to find out I'm not able to love him but also unable to pull away from the things that make me feel good (ultimately once again setting myself for heartache).
If he heard me, if he saw this he would say I'm over thinking things. Of course I am, that's my nature, it's part of my charm, it's why I'm going to be the best profiler around. Sometimes I'm not even sure if it's the fact I'm over thinking things as much as it is the fact I'm over feeling thing. My head is telling my feet run, run for your life, run and save yourself, but my body is staying put in my bed as my head rests on his chest. And when I crash and burn (and also need to move despite the fact I'd already paid a years worth of rent to my landlords) and you will all say "I told you so" (thanks Steve), will I lose myself again or will I hold on to the times like now when I have something, someone, to look forward to after a long day, falling asleep at peace, tired but satisfied with my life. I know you have no answers. I don't expect you to. I don't either, but I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Parts of me just want to get on a plane to Canada and not look back, but I can't. This is my life. "welcome to the real world she said to me, condiscendingly, take a seat, take your life, plot it out in black and white..."
when I fall in love
it will be forever
or i'll never fall in love
in a restless world like this is
love has ended before it's begun
and too many moonlight kisses
seem to fade in the warmth of the sun
when i give my heart
it will be completley
or i'll never give my heart
and then moment i can feel that
you feel that way too
is when i'll fall in love with you....
I miss Allan. There, I said it, for the first time in years on livejournal, for the first time in a long time to myself. I miss him. I was unsure for a while, most likely trying to push down emotions for the sake of my mental health, but as it turns out I do miss him. I know now it's not just the feeling I miss because now that I get that feeling from someone else, all that's missing is him. I miss Allan. I think about him. I think about where he is and what he's doing. I think about the times we had together, and how things would be different if he were around. But, he's not, and I have to go on living my life, and so I do.
I miss Allan, but I fall asleep in someone else's arms at night, and I'm happy. In fact, I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. I'm happy but I am so scared, and I can't tell him because it will for a fact drive him away. I'm scared of falling in love. I'm scared of giving myself to someone else. I haven't been in a relationship in a long time, and I haven't been in a close proximity (and this is as close as it gets) relationship ever, and I'm not sure of how to react. Given, it's not exactly a relationship, it's complicated, but then again if it wasn't it wouldn't be my life now would it? I'm scared. I'm scared of falling in love because I'm not sure if he's capable of being in love (he hasn't been, at the very least in 10 years if at all) or at least with me (now where have we heard that before?). I'm setting myself up for heartache. While it's all Fun & Games, it's fine but what happens when emotions come into play and he's got none to spare for me? I won't go through that again. I can't. I'm scared, scared of not falling in love. I'm scared of investing of myself in a relationship only to find out I'm not able to love him but also unable to pull away from the things that make me feel good (ultimately once again setting myself for heartache).
If he heard me, if he saw this he would say I'm over thinking things. Of course I am, that's my nature, it's part of my charm, it's why I'm going to be the best profiler around. Sometimes I'm not even sure if it's the fact I'm over thinking things as much as it is the fact I'm over feeling thing. My head is telling my feet run, run for your life, run and save yourself, but my body is staying put in my bed as my head rests on his chest. And when I crash and burn (and also need to move despite the fact I'd already paid a years worth of rent to my landlords) and you will all say "I told you so" (thanks Steve), will I lose myself again or will I hold on to the times like now when I have something, someone, to look forward to after a long day, falling asleep at peace, tired but satisfied with my life. I know you have no answers. I don't expect you to. I don't either, but I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Parts of me just want to get on a plane to Canada and not look back, but I can't. This is my life. "welcome to the real world she said to me, condiscendingly, take a seat, take your life, plot it out in black and white..."
when I fall in love
it will be forever
or i'll never fall in love
in a restless world like this is
love has ended before it's begun
and too many moonlight kisses
seem to fade in the warmth of the sun
when i give my heart
it will be completley
or i'll never give my heart
and then moment i can feel that
you feel that way too
is when i'll fall in love with you....