Everything Changes - A Whitechapel Fan fiction.
A response to the Whitechapel Kinkmeme 'Emerson Kent is a woman, I would like some sort of fic where Chandler doesn't realise Kent is a woman (he never really looked at Emersons file), but finds out.' It's morphed more into Kent being Genderfluid, but read and see what you think...
*NOW COMPLETE*
Please be aware, I am NOT a writer. I'm an artist, I paint, so the grammar will be terrible, you'll find I love a good long run on sentence, and I throw full stops in where ever I please. I call it artistic licence...
Also, I own NOTHING.
CHAPTER 1
.
It should have been a disaster, they'd only really been invited because DS Miles had taken a knife and survived. Chandler could already feel the eyes of the room on them. Suddenly he was an outsider looking in and as much as he liked his team he just couldn't seem to find a way to be at peace with that.
But then it was Miles' turn to take the stage, and well, that seemed to set the tone of the evening; because if you're going to be unpopular you may as well be pissed enough to enjoy it.
"I've heard he's bent" McCormack slurs ever so slightly while eyeing up Cazenove "what d'ya reckon?"
"How should I know!" Kent's taken to drinking straight from the bottle now and Chandler tries to ignore that the drunken DCs knee keeps rubbing against his own under the table.
"Na" Miles interrupts "He's got a Misses"
McCormack laughs "You don't have to be gay to be bent though do ya" and he nods toward Kent who replies with a one finger salute.
They're not as polished as the other detectives here, They don't fit in and they don't look the part, certainly don't act it, but Chandler finds he doesn't mind. He's always wanted to sit at the cool kids table.
.
It's after they pick up a new case that a new DC arrives, and Finlay Mansell slots right into the team, he's old pals with McCormack and if the DS will vouch for him too that's good enough for Kent.
Kent's never liked 'new people', he always wonders what they've heard about him, because he's not stupid enough to think people don't talk. With new people he always feels like he needs to explain himself but it turns out it's not like that with Mansell, not at all.
He doesn't know whether it was Miles or McCormack, but someone has obviously taken him to the side and explained the situation, because Mansell's nothing but polite and respectful towards Kent, That is until he figures out he can take a joke, and by that time he also figures they're friends anyway, so no point pulling any punches.
It's mid afternoon when Miles makes a remark about the dodgy ceiling repairs, he comments that he thinks "there's something queer going on"
"Queer? That's more our Kents department" Mansell retorts with a cheeky grin before Kent aims a pen at his head.
"Fuck off Mansell" Kent mutters then grins himself when Miles hits the other DC over the head with a file.
Getting Mansell in trouble with 'Dad' is a game he'll never get tired of.
Chandler motions for Miles to join him in his office and once the door is closed and they're safely out of ear shot he asks "Isn't that something I should be addressing" he nods in the direction of the small cluster of DCs he has left.
"What that? Na' there's no harm in it, besides, Kent's never been shy about it, he enjoys the banter".
It's then that Chandler realises he doesn't know his team nearly as well as he should, it's something he wants to rectify but right now he's just grateful that he has Miles as a go between.
Miles is right that Kent doesn't mind the banter. He likes it in fact, makes him feel more like part of the team.
Miles has always been good to him, Kent had made it clear from day one he wanted to be treated the same as any of the men and Miles had agreed to it, made a tea, and told him he can dress how he wants and shag whoever he wants, however he wants, as long as he's not late for work.
McCormacks opinion seems to have always been 'aye, whatever' and that suits Kent.
Mansell calls him 'dude' now, said he read somewhere it's no longer 'gender specific'. Kent has to laugh but he appreciates the gesture.
Truth is Kent's never been so comfortable, never felt so at home. He feels like he's finally found somewhere he fits in, somewhere he belongs.
When the call comes in about the snooker hall Chandler finds himself happy to be taking Kent along, he's pleased because he always feels a little more at ease with Kent, he doesn't feel judged or pressured, it's almost as if DC Kent understands him. He can't help the small part of him that is just a little disappointed that Miles decides to come along too, because he'll admit that he enjoys spending time with the younger detective, he does however try to ignore the niggling feeling in the back of his mind warning him not to examine that too closely.
Chandler has noticed how hard Kent tries to please him, he likes it, takes it as a show of respect. What he's not so comfortable with is the way that he also notices how the boy looks or how he is dressed, seeing Kent in a nicely fitted suit pleases Chandler in a way he doesn't quite understand. If he's honest he's uncomfortable most, not with how much attention he finds himself paying the DC, but more to do with the fact that DC Kent seems to draw attention from other people too, mainly the pretty young CSOs he's seen practically fawning over 'the cute bambi eyed detective'. But he's not going to examine those feeling either, he has a job to do.
.
Then everything changes.
.
They're back at the station and crossing the car park when Miles gets the call and when he's finished Chandler doesn't quite understand what the DS is trying to tell him, he can't quite process it, all he hears is 'Kent' and 'Hospital' and he feels as though the floor has been pulled from under him.
He doesn't remember how they got to the hospital, He's running on adrenaline and fear, his mind frantically playing through different scenarios. He has no information regarding what's happened and he can't help but fear the worst.
He's not sure whether he should feel guilty when he finds himself praying for Kent to have broken bones, god let it be the legs, because legs heal don't they? It'd be painful yet he'd survive, but all Chandler can think of are the horrors he'd seen in that god forsaken pub, crushed noses, Chelsea smiles and faces in buckets.
It takes too long to find him and when they do he looks pale and vulnerable. Chandler has a hundred and one things he wants to say, he wants to comfort him, tell him he'll look after him, that he needs him to be ok, but when it comes to it the words seem to stick in his throat and all he can come out with is 'Was it Steven Dukes' and he hates himself for it.
'Striped', He's never heard of it, but then he hasn't heard of a lot of the injuries he's seen lately. He's out of his dept. He doesn't have a fucking clue. Miles had been right, he's always right, now all he can hope to do is pick up the pieces.
"Lad's lucky I suppose.."
"Lucky?" Chandler can hardly believe what he's hearing "how on earth does this seem like he's LUCKY!"
"Well, I just mean it could have been worse, you know, if they'd 'ave known..."
He'd said 'you don't know what I'm capable of' and he'd meant it, what scares him most is that he doesn't know himself. He's been angry, enraged even, but before this moment he's never felt vengeful, right now he thinks he could be capable of ripping Steven Dukes apart with his bare hands.
.
Chapter 2.
Everyone had visited. Everyone had brought grapes. Kent bloody hated grapes.
Mansell had brought him some tracksuit pants and some toothpaste he'd had in his locker at work, he hadn't thought to bring a tooth brush but Kent hadn't pointed that out and took the gesture for what it was.
By the time Chandler arrived Kent was asleep, it was late and the nurse had only let him in because he'd been so insistent. and he'd pleaded.
The room was small and not as clean as Chandler would have liked, the window looked over a car park, the mint green walls could have done with a fresh coat of paint and the chair squeaked when ever he moved but his sole focus was the man sleeping in front of him so nothing else seemed to matter too much.
He didn't even notice that he'd reached out his hand until he could feel the soft curls against his finger tips. He hadn't even meant to touch him and he regretted the action instantly as Kent's eyes flew open, and in the moment before he could focus, or remember where he was, the fear and panic which flooded his features was heartbreaking.
"Shh shh, it's fine, it's me, I'm here" Within seconds Kent finds himself pressed against a warm chest, arms enveloping him, fingers stroking his hair. He's aware he's cradled against his boss and he has fist fulls of his expensive shirt clenched desperately in his hands. This isn't professional but he can't bring himself to care, because he's scared, they both are.
Chandler still has an arm around him and it's completely dark outside when the nurse comes in to dim the lights "I'm sorry honey but I'm going to have to kick your boyfriend out"
The DI's up from his perch on the bed and shrugging on his coat quickly.
Kents embarrassment is obvious "Sir, I'm..." but the apology dies on his lips as Chandler leans down and presses a kiss to the top of his head.
"It's Joe" he says, smiling softly before he leaves "When we're here, it's Joe".
.
There's an atmosphere at the station now, It seems more threatening than before. The team are down to just the four of them and it seems to Chandler like it's them against the world. He's not surprised when he finds his car damaged and the sniggering uniforms in the car park. He has to instruct Miles to leave it be because when he hears an officer taunt "How's your girl" it's all he can do to not smash his face in.
Sat in Cazenoves office he listens to the theory that the Krays shouldn't be taken seriously, that they're not the real deal, but he's seen first hand what they can do, what they've done to Kent. He's about to tell Cazenove as much when the DCI quips that 'even your poor DC has more balls than those two' so he decides to bite his lip and leave before he loses it completely.
.
The next time he's at the hospital he finds himself initiating more contact with Kent, he's covering the DCs hand with his own, sometimes squeezing his fingers gently, reassuringly, as he brings him up to date on what's been happening.
It's not long after that the doctor makes his rounds and announces that, with proper after care, he's happy to discharge his patient.
"I need to call one of my flat mates, see if they can pick me up"
Joes hand moves from Kent's to run the back of a figure across his cheek.
"let me take you home" it's almost a whisper and something flips in Kents stomach just hearing the request.
.
The ride from the hospital is quiet, neither one of them knowing the right words to say. Kent spends so long day dreaming out of the window, lost in his own dark thoughts, that he doesn't notice that the car has stopped until Joe's opening the passenger door and helping him out.
He doesn't recognise the surroundings but lets Joe lead him towards an elevator then in to a flat.
The apartment is so obviously Joe, everything looks new, it's all clean lines and shiny surfaces and standing in the hall way in his blood stained shirt and the tracky pants Mansell had brought him Kent has never felt more out of place.
As if he can read his thoughts Joe shrugs off his coat, and after hanging it neatly on its designated peg, takes Kents hand and leads him further into the apartment.
They've crossed the living area and are in what Kent has been informed is a spare room before Chandler retreats for a minute, promising he'll be straight back.
Kent doesn't question why he's brought him here. He's just glad. Everything always seems better when Joe's around, and he knows he shouldn't hope for too much, and he knows it will end in heartache, but he can't help but let himself believe that perhaps there's more going on here than his boss' guilty conscience. Even if there isn't, after what he's been through he needs some comfort right now, and he'll take it where he can.
Joe's back within seconds, this time with towels and what looks like a tshirt and pajama bottoms.
"Lets clean you up" and Chandler will be the first to admit that he doesn't know what he's doing as his hands fumble to unfasten the younger detectives shirt buttons.
He's telling himself it's innocent, he's just helping the boy, but there's a unmistakable sense of arousal as one side of the shirt slips down to reveal a pale shoulder. He feels ashamed now because he feels slightly like a letch, like maybe he's taking advantage of the boys 'unfortunate' position but when he looks at Kent all wide hopeful eyes and clutching his shirt together at his chest he finds he couldn't stop if he wanted to.
They're standing so close that Chandler can feel Kents breath hitch as he places a hand on his small waist "just let me help" Joe whispers, trying to reassure him that he knows he's injured, that other things are off the cards, that for the moment he just wants to help him change. There's a silent nod from Kent as his hands move away from his clothing and Chandler finally has access to undress him, but as Chandler runs his hands up the front of the shirt he stops abruptly, because he's stunned, because he's confused, because he's sure he's just discovered the unmistakable swell of female breasts.
He steps away, his head is spinning, he's not sure what to do and he doesn't have the time or the presence of mind to hide the shock from his face.
And suddenly it all makes sense.
"You don't have to be gay to be bent though do ya"
"I'm sorry honey but I'm going to have to kick your boyfriend out"
"Even your poor DC has more balls than those two"
"Well, I just mean it could have been worse, you know, if they'd 'ave known..."
"How's your girl"
And as he rushes an apology and exits the room all Kent can think is oh god he didn't know.
.
The next morning is awkward but they both knew it would be. Kent helps himself to coffee and waits at the kitchen table as Chandler's not out of his room yet.
He can hear the shower running, it's been on for over an hour now, just as it had the night before, and he hopes that the DI's not been in it that whole time, and if he has, he hopes it's not somehow because of him.
When Chandler finally does appear he's suited and ready for the day. He pauses as if he's about to say something about the night before but instead just says he needs to head straight to work and leaves Kent sitting at the table fighting back tears.
Kent's not there when he gets home.
Chapter 3
Chandler finds that when he's confused or anxious its best to throw himself into his work, he tells himself that's why he didn't go home the previous night rather than it being that he can't stand to return to his kitchen now he knows it's empty.
Miles knows something's not right, hes got a nose for these sort of things, it's what makes him good at his job, but when he's enquired he's told its just the case and not to worry about it. To be honest he has more important things to do, like catch these bastard twins, than play agony aunt to the boss.
Chandler tries to put Kent out of his mind, he feels guilty for it as he knows he should be ashamed of the way he's acted, he wanted to take care of Kent, he'd promised as much, but when the DC had needed him most he'd abandoned him. Her.
When they finally find their way to Jimmy Kray it only takes one comment, "How's your boy doing, still got a sore arse 'as he?" and Chandler's not sure who he hates more, Jimmy Kray or himself.
.
When they bring the twins in Chandler hears hushed whispers from the officers around the front desk 'It'll never stick' and 'What a waste of time' and then 'Can't believe the kid's come back, he's got some nerve'. Kent.
Chandler's taking the stairs two at a time, he has no idea what he's going to say but he's desperate to see the young detectives face.
When he rounds the corner into the incident room he's unable to keep the smile from his face and it seems the same with Kent as neither one can disguise how pleased they are to see one another.
When Kent tells him he wants to see who did this to him Chandler doesn't think he's ever met anyone braver.
There's a silence that stretches between the two of them but as they make their way down the stairs Kent feels the ghost of a hand on the small of his back, he hopes it's a show of affection rather than Chandlers antiquated manners indicating he's now regarded as a female, because if that's the case it's also an indication that Chandler's now supporting him not because he wants to but because society dictates he should, and that's a different thing all together. Either way, he can't deny he likes the warmth.
.
It's once the Krays are released that everything seems to go to hell.
They've been threatened, Judy and the kids have had to leave, the only good lead they had has been sabotaged from the inside and Chandler knows he's losing his mind. There's coloured pins and paper clips, tiger balm and hands that won't wash clean, suspicion and paranoia.
There's a donkey in the car park.
"Tell me I'm wrong" It's almost a plea, Chandler doesn't need telling how young Kent is or how badly he's been hurt. Chandler's hurt him himself, he's sure of that.
When he tells him that out of everyone he wishes it wasn't him he'd meant it with all of his heart and he doesn't think he'll ever get over the look of hurt on Kents face as he leaves.
They say drink takes away the pain but he finds that isn't true. He tells Miles he's drinking to help with the OCD and he's not lying, not at first. Now he finds it's escalated, he's on to full bottles that blur his vision and yet he still can't get that image of Kent out of his head.
It takes the hanging corpse of John McCormack to confirm what he'd known all along.
.
Chapter 4
He'd wanted to call Kent straight away, wanted to go see him in fact, but every time he dialed the number he couldn't build up the nerve to make the actual call. He had so much to say, so much he should say, and yet he couldn't seem to find the words. Forgiveness is a terrible thing to beg for.
In the end he'd sent a text, he'd felt a coward and had known it wasn't nearly enough, but he hoped that the simple 'Come to Buchans' followed a few seconds later with 'Please' would at least tempt Kent in.
Now he's sitting in Buchans odd little house waiting and when Kent walks in, god he's elated. He feels foolish, he can feel the smile on his own lips but can't seem to shake it, and he's sure at least Miles, if not everyone else, has noticed how he can't keep his eyes off the young detective.
.
Once alone Chandler finds himself fumbling an apology, It's nowhere near sufficient but he tries his best. Its only when Kent admits to being in the incident room that he leaves his seat and approaches him.
"Kent did something happen?"
"It's nothing Sir" but the flush to his soft cheeks gives him away.
"Kent..." Chandler says his name like a warning, he has a suspicion where this might go and there's a look in his eye that make him seem both nervous and dangerous.
"Really, it's nothing I can't handle" Kent silently pleads the DI to drop the mater which thankfully he does, for now.
They're standing so close together now that Chandler barely has to extend his hand and their finger tips touch ever so slightly, He wants desperately to grasp Kents hand in his own but he wont, that's a step Kent has to make himself, if he should want to.
"I really am sorry" he murmurs and by the tone of his voice Kent knows they're no longer talking about the suspension.
Until now they've not mentioned Chandlers discovery, neither on of them had known how to start that conversation.
"It's Fine, I.." Now its Kent who can't find the words, He'd been so hurt but at the same time he always tries to keep in mind how confusing it can be for other people. "It's my fault, I thought you knew" He breathes out a small humorless laugh and looks anywhere but the DI.
"That doesn't excuse my behaviour"
"well I know it's hard to understand"
Chandler takes a small step forward and turns the DCs face to meet his own "I'd like to try".
There's an honesty in Chandlers expression, one which Kent has grown to adore, It's filled with sincerity and hope and it's all that's needed to coax him to open up.
He tells Chandler how he's never felt like he's fit in to the boxes available, how being exclusively 'Male' or 'Female' seems alien to him. He tells him how he prefers 'non binary' or 'genderqueer' and that although he dresses in suits and prefers the pronoun 'He' he doesn't necessarily identify as 'male', He tells him how he'd transitioned into male almost accidentally, with the career he'd chosen he'd had to favour one or the other and male seemed the most natural, but outside of work he's neither and he's more than happy with that.
Chandler thinks Kent talking this way about himself is the most breathtaking thing he's ever heard.
He's not gay, at least he's never been before. But then he was never really 'straight' before either. So maybe he is gay, but then he's not, because he's a she or she's a he, because between before and now nothing's changed. It's still Kent, and Chandler realise it doesn't matter if he's gay or straight or anything in between, because he'd gladly be anything for Emerson Kent.
Kent's aware of how close they are but it still surprises him when he feels Chandlers breath against his ear as he whispers another apology and "I'd like to try to make it up to you".
All he can respond with is 'Yes Sir' as his fingers fasten around the ones which have lingered close to his own this entire time and chandler presses his lips into his hair.
"It's Joe, when we're here"
Kent finds he likes 'here', this new place they've defined, a place full of soft touches and warm smiles, where finger tips are allowed to trace small patterns against one anothers flesh.
Miles isnt sure what's gone on in Ed Buchans back kitchen but when the DI and young DC emerge they're both smiling. He'd wondered how long it would take the boss to work up the balls to admit his affection for Kent and he could only presume from the flush in the kids cheeks that he'd finally found the bottle. He was glad, they could be good for one another, either way Mansell now owes him twenty quid.
Then their luck changes
They'd discovered the truth about Jimmys 'boyfriend', Chandler had wondered how many times that was going to happen in his life time, subsequently they'd had to question everything else they thought they knew about the twins, what else they might be faking, and that had led them to here, with Miles watching Jimmy Kray beat ten bags of shit out of his DI.
Chandler's aware his face is bloody, he's also aware his opponent is slowing, his stamina running low, it's almost time.
He'd planned on a couple of well placed blows, just enough to get the evidence they need, but once he lands the first punch on Jimmy all he can think of is Kent. It's like a switch has been flipped, he's causing the other man pain and he's enjoying it, this is what he's been itching for, the bell rings but he can't stop, It's exhilarating, It's gratifying, It's payback.
It's worth it just to have Kent clean him up afterwards.
.
Once the case is finally laid to rest, along with Jimmy and Johnny it transpires, there's a distinct shift in the team. It's as though they've been pulled together, there's a solidarity which was absent before, they're family now, they can depend on one another even when they can't depend on anyone else. Nothing has been said but everyone's aware that they've been lucky to come out of the other side of this one, no one else would really be able to understand what they've been through but each DC, the DS and DI alike are aware they have each other now.
It comes as no surprise when Chandler is offered a way out, a fresh start, but he's happy where he is so he makes the decision to stay with his team, with Kent. He's not sure where their relationship is heading but he's looking forward to finding out and although they've never really discussed it he already thinks of them as 'together', so does everyone else in the station and he's more than fine with that too. Above everything he's aware that he's already made the mistake of walking away from Emerson once and he's sworn to him that he'll never do it again.
.
The first time they make love Joe tells Em he'll have to lead, because he's not exactly an expert in this department anyway, he's not sure what he should be doing and he really doesn't want to make a mistake. He finds that when they reach their climax, Kent followed quickly by Chandler, it's not the actions that bring his release, it's not Kent's body or what he's doing with it, it's the feeling that he's been let in on a secret, that Kent's not just sharing with him his body, but also baring his soul, and the words 'I love you' fall easily from his lips because Joe's never been more sure of anything in his life.
Fin
*NOW COMPLETE*
Please be aware, I am NOT a writer. I'm an artist, I paint, so the grammar will be terrible, you'll find I love a good long run on sentence, and I throw full stops in where ever I please. I call it artistic licence...
Also, I own NOTHING.
CHAPTER 1
.
It should have been a disaster, they'd only really been invited because DS Miles had taken a knife and survived. Chandler could already feel the eyes of the room on them. Suddenly he was an outsider looking in and as much as he liked his team he just couldn't seem to find a way to be at peace with that.
But then it was Miles' turn to take the stage, and well, that seemed to set the tone of the evening; because if you're going to be unpopular you may as well be pissed enough to enjoy it.
"I've heard he's bent" McCormack slurs ever so slightly while eyeing up Cazenove "what d'ya reckon?"
"How should I know!" Kent's taken to drinking straight from the bottle now and Chandler tries to ignore that the drunken DCs knee keeps rubbing against his own under the table.
"Na" Miles interrupts "He's got a Misses"
McCormack laughs "You don't have to be gay to be bent though do ya" and he nods toward Kent who replies with a one finger salute.
They're not as polished as the other detectives here, They don't fit in and they don't look the part, certainly don't act it, but Chandler finds he doesn't mind. He's always wanted to sit at the cool kids table.
.
It's after they pick up a new case that a new DC arrives, and Finlay Mansell slots right into the team, he's old pals with McCormack and if the DS will vouch for him too that's good enough for Kent.
Kent's never liked 'new people', he always wonders what they've heard about him, because he's not stupid enough to think people don't talk. With new people he always feels like he needs to explain himself but it turns out it's not like that with Mansell, not at all.
He doesn't know whether it was Miles or McCormack, but someone has obviously taken him to the side and explained the situation, because Mansell's nothing but polite and respectful towards Kent, That is until he figures out he can take a joke, and by that time he also figures they're friends anyway, so no point pulling any punches.
It's mid afternoon when Miles makes a remark about the dodgy ceiling repairs, he comments that he thinks "there's something queer going on"
"Queer? That's more our Kents department" Mansell retorts with a cheeky grin before Kent aims a pen at his head.
"Fuck off Mansell" Kent mutters then grins himself when Miles hits the other DC over the head with a file.
Getting Mansell in trouble with 'Dad' is a game he'll never get tired of.
Chandler motions for Miles to join him in his office and once the door is closed and they're safely out of ear shot he asks "Isn't that something I should be addressing" he nods in the direction of the small cluster of DCs he has left.
"What that? Na' there's no harm in it, besides, Kent's never been shy about it, he enjoys the banter".
It's then that Chandler realises he doesn't know his team nearly as well as he should, it's something he wants to rectify but right now he's just grateful that he has Miles as a go between.
Miles is right that Kent doesn't mind the banter. He likes it in fact, makes him feel more like part of the team.
Miles has always been good to him, Kent had made it clear from day one he wanted to be treated the same as any of the men and Miles had agreed to it, made a tea, and told him he can dress how he wants and shag whoever he wants, however he wants, as long as he's not late for work.
McCormacks opinion seems to have always been 'aye, whatever' and that suits Kent.
Mansell calls him 'dude' now, said he read somewhere it's no longer 'gender specific'. Kent has to laugh but he appreciates the gesture.
Truth is Kent's never been so comfortable, never felt so at home. He feels like he's finally found somewhere he fits in, somewhere he belongs.
When the call comes in about the snooker hall Chandler finds himself happy to be taking Kent along, he's pleased because he always feels a little more at ease with Kent, he doesn't feel judged or pressured, it's almost as if DC Kent understands him. He can't help the small part of him that is just a little disappointed that Miles decides to come along too, because he'll admit that he enjoys spending time with the younger detective, he does however try to ignore the niggling feeling in the back of his mind warning him not to examine that too closely.
Chandler has noticed how hard Kent tries to please him, he likes it, takes it as a show of respect. What he's not so comfortable with is the way that he also notices how the boy looks or how he is dressed, seeing Kent in a nicely fitted suit pleases Chandler in a way he doesn't quite understand. If he's honest he's uncomfortable most, not with how much attention he finds himself paying the DC, but more to do with the fact that DC Kent seems to draw attention from other people too, mainly the pretty young CSOs he's seen practically fawning over 'the cute bambi eyed detective'. But he's not going to examine those feeling either, he has a job to do.
.
Then everything changes.
.
They're back at the station and crossing the car park when Miles gets the call and when he's finished Chandler doesn't quite understand what the DS is trying to tell him, he can't quite process it, all he hears is 'Kent' and 'Hospital' and he feels as though the floor has been pulled from under him.
He doesn't remember how they got to the hospital, He's running on adrenaline and fear, his mind frantically playing through different scenarios. He has no information regarding what's happened and he can't help but fear the worst.
He's not sure whether he should feel guilty when he finds himself praying for Kent to have broken bones, god let it be the legs, because legs heal don't they? It'd be painful yet he'd survive, but all Chandler can think of are the horrors he'd seen in that god forsaken pub, crushed noses, Chelsea smiles and faces in buckets.
It takes too long to find him and when they do he looks pale and vulnerable. Chandler has a hundred and one things he wants to say, he wants to comfort him, tell him he'll look after him, that he needs him to be ok, but when it comes to it the words seem to stick in his throat and all he can come out with is 'Was it Steven Dukes' and he hates himself for it.
'Striped', He's never heard of it, but then he hasn't heard of a lot of the injuries he's seen lately. He's out of his dept. He doesn't have a fucking clue. Miles had been right, he's always right, now all he can hope to do is pick up the pieces.
"Lad's lucky I suppose.."
"Lucky?" Chandler can hardly believe what he's hearing "how on earth does this seem like he's LUCKY!"
"Well, I just mean it could have been worse, you know, if they'd 'ave known..."
He'd said 'you don't know what I'm capable of' and he'd meant it, what scares him most is that he doesn't know himself. He's been angry, enraged even, but before this moment he's never felt vengeful, right now he thinks he could be capable of ripping Steven Dukes apart with his bare hands.
.
Chapter 2.
Everyone had visited. Everyone had brought grapes. Kent bloody hated grapes.
Mansell had brought him some tracksuit pants and some toothpaste he'd had in his locker at work, he hadn't thought to bring a tooth brush but Kent hadn't pointed that out and took the gesture for what it was.
By the time Chandler arrived Kent was asleep, it was late and the nurse had only let him in because he'd been so insistent. and he'd pleaded.
The room was small and not as clean as Chandler would have liked, the window looked over a car park, the mint green walls could have done with a fresh coat of paint and the chair squeaked when ever he moved but his sole focus was the man sleeping in front of him so nothing else seemed to matter too much.
He didn't even notice that he'd reached out his hand until he could feel the soft curls against his finger tips. He hadn't even meant to touch him and he regretted the action instantly as Kent's eyes flew open, and in the moment before he could focus, or remember where he was, the fear and panic which flooded his features was heartbreaking.
"Shh shh, it's fine, it's me, I'm here" Within seconds Kent finds himself pressed against a warm chest, arms enveloping him, fingers stroking his hair. He's aware he's cradled against his boss and he has fist fulls of his expensive shirt clenched desperately in his hands. This isn't professional but he can't bring himself to care, because he's scared, they both are.
Chandler still has an arm around him and it's completely dark outside when the nurse comes in to dim the lights "I'm sorry honey but I'm going to have to kick your boyfriend out"
The DI's up from his perch on the bed and shrugging on his coat quickly.
Kents embarrassment is obvious "Sir, I'm..." but the apology dies on his lips as Chandler leans down and presses a kiss to the top of his head.
"It's Joe" he says, smiling softly before he leaves "When we're here, it's Joe".
.
There's an atmosphere at the station now, It seems more threatening than before. The team are down to just the four of them and it seems to Chandler like it's them against the world. He's not surprised when he finds his car damaged and the sniggering uniforms in the car park. He has to instruct Miles to leave it be because when he hears an officer taunt "How's your girl" it's all he can do to not smash his face in.
Sat in Cazenoves office he listens to the theory that the Krays shouldn't be taken seriously, that they're not the real deal, but he's seen first hand what they can do, what they've done to Kent. He's about to tell Cazenove as much when the DCI quips that 'even your poor DC has more balls than those two' so he decides to bite his lip and leave before he loses it completely.
.
The next time he's at the hospital he finds himself initiating more contact with Kent, he's covering the DCs hand with his own, sometimes squeezing his fingers gently, reassuringly, as he brings him up to date on what's been happening.
It's not long after that the doctor makes his rounds and announces that, with proper after care, he's happy to discharge his patient.
"I need to call one of my flat mates, see if they can pick me up"
Joes hand moves from Kent's to run the back of a figure across his cheek.
"let me take you home" it's almost a whisper and something flips in Kents stomach just hearing the request.
.
The ride from the hospital is quiet, neither one of them knowing the right words to say. Kent spends so long day dreaming out of the window, lost in his own dark thoughts, that he doesn't notice that the car has stopped until Joe's opening the passenger door and helping him out.
He doesn't recognise the surroundings but lets Joe lead him towards an elevator then in to a flat.
The apartment is so obviously Joe, everything looks new, it's all clean lines and shiny surfaces and standing in the hall way in his blood stained shirt and the tracky pants Mansell had brought him Kent has never felt more out of place.
As if he can read his thoughts Joe shrugs off his coat, and after hanging it neatly on its designated peg, takes Kents hand and leads him further into the apartment.
They've crossed the living area and are in what Kent has been informed is a spare room before Chandler retreats for a minute, promising he'll be straight back.
Kent doesn't question why he's brought him here. He's just glad. Everything always seems better when Joe's around, and he knows he shouldn't hope for too much, and he knows it will end in heartache, but he can't help but let himself believe that perhaps there's more going on here than his boss' guilty conscience. Even if there isn't, after what he's been through he needs some comfort right now, and he'll take it where he can.
Joe's back within seconds, this time with towels and what looks like a tshirt and pajama bottoms.
"Lets clean you up" and Chandler will be the first to admit that he doesn't know what he's doing as his hands fumble to unfasten the younger detectives shirt buttons.
He's telling himself it's innocent, he's just helping the boy, but there's a unmistakable sense of arousal as one side of the shirt slips down to reveal a pale shoulder. He feels ashamed now because he feels slightly like a letch, like maybe he's taking advantage of the boys 'unfortunate' position but when he looks at Kent all wide hopeful eyes and clutching his shirt together at his chest he finds he couldn't stop if he wanted to.
They're standing so close that Chandler can feel Kents breath hitch as he places a hand on his small waist "just let me help" Joe whispers, trying to reassure him that he knows he's injured, that other things are off the cards, that for the moment he just wants to help him change. There's a silent nod from Kent as his hands move away from his clothing and Chandler finally has access to undress him, but as Chandler runs his hands up the front of the shirt he stops abruptly, because he's stunned, because he's confused, because he's sure he's just discovered the unmistakable swell of female breasts.
He steps away, his head is spinning, he's not sure what to do and he doesn't have the time or the presence of mind to hide the shock from his face.
And suddenly it all makes sense.
"You don't have to be gay to be bent though do ya"
"I'm sorry honey but I'm going to have to kick your boyfriend out"
"Even your poor DC has more balls than those two"
"Well, I just mean it could have been worse, you know, if they'd 'ave known..."
"How's your girl"
And as he rushes an apology and exits the room all Kent can think is oh god he didn't know.
.
The next morning is awkward but they both knew it would be. Kent helps himself to coffee and waits at the kitchen table as Chandler's not out of his room yet.
He can hear the shower running, it's been on for over an hour now, just as it had the night before, and he hopes that the DI's not been in it that whole time, and if he has, he hopes it's not somehow because of him.
When Chandler finally does appear he's suited and ready for the day. He pauses as if he's about to say something about the night before but instead just says he needs to head straight to work and leaves Kent sitting at the table fighting back tears.
Kent's not there when he gets home.
Chapter 3
Chandler finds that when he's confused or anxious its best to throw himself into his work, he tells himself that's why he didn't go home the previous night rather than it being that he can't stand to return to his kitchen now he knows it's empty.
Miles knows something's not right, hes got a nose for these sort of things, it's what makes him good at his job, but when he's enquired he's told its just the case and not to worry about it. To be honest he has more important things to do, like catch these bastard twins, than play agony aunt to the boss.
Chandler tries to put Kent out of his mind, he feels guilty for it as he knows he should be ashamed of the way he's acted, he wanted to take care of Kent, he'd promised as much, but when the DC had needed him most he'd abandoned him. Her.
When they finally find their way to Jimmy Kray it only takes one comment, "How's your boy doing, still got a sore arse 'as he?" and Chandler's not sure who he hates more, Jimmy Kray or himself.
.
When they bring the twins in Chandler hears hushed whispers from the officers around the front desk 'It'll never stick' and 'What a waste of time' and then 'Can't believe the kid's come back, he's got some nerve'. Kent.
Chandler's taking the stairs two at a time, he has no idea what he's going to say but he's desperate to see the young detectives face.
When he rounds the corner into the incident room he's unable to keep the smile from his face and it seems the same with Kent as neither one can disguise how pleased they are to see one another.
When Kent tells him he wants to see who did this to him Chandler doesn't think he's ever met anyone braver.
There's a silence that stretches between the two of them but as they make their way down the stairs Kent feels the ghost of a hand on the small of his back, he hopes it's a show of affection rather than Chandlers antiquated manners indicating he's now regarded as a female, because if that's the case it's also an indication that Chandler's now supporting him not because he wants to but because society dictates he should, and that's a different thing all together. Either way, he can't deny he likes the warmth.
.
It's once the Krays are released that everything seems to go to hell.
They've been threatened, Judy and the kids have had to leave, the only good lead they had has been sabotaged from the inside and Chandler knows he's losing his mind. There's coloured pins and paper clips, tiger balm and hands that won't wash clean, suspicion and paranoia.
There's a donkey in the car park.
"Tell me I'm wrong" It's almost a plea, Chandler doesn't need telling how young Kent is or how badly he's been hurt. Chandler's hurt him himself, he's sure of that.
When he tells him that out of everyone he wishes it wasn't him he'd meant it with all of his heart and he doesn't think he'll ever get over the look of hurt on Kents face as he leaves.
They say drink takes away the pain but he finds that isn't true. He tells Miles he's drinking to help with the OCD and he's not lying, not at first. Now he finds it's escalated, he's on to full bottles that blur his vision and yet he still can't get that image of Kent out of his head.
It takes the hanging corpse of John McCormack to confirm what he'd known all along.
.
Chapter 4
He'd wanted to call Kent straight away, wanted to go see him in fact, but every time he dialed the number he couldn't build up the nerve to make the actual call. He had so much to say, so much he should say, and yet he couldn't seem to find the words. Forgiveness is a terrible thing to beg for.
In the end he'd sent a text, he'd felt a coward and had known it wasn't nearly enough, but he hoped that the simple 'Come to Buchans' followed a few seconds later with 'Please' would at least tempt Kent in.
Now he's sitting in Buchans odd little house waiting and when Kent walks in, god he's elated. He feels foolish, he can feel the smile on his own lips but can't seem to shake it, and he's sure at least Miles, if not everyone else, has noticed how he can't keep his eyes off the young detective.
.
Once alone Chandler finds himself fumbling an apology, It's nowhere near sufficient but he tries his best. Its only when Kent admits to being in the incident room that he leaves his seat and approaches him.
"Kent did something happen?"
"It's nothing Sir" but the flush to his soft cheeks gives him away.
"Kent..." Chandler says his name like a warning, he has a suspicion where this might go and there's a look in his eye that make him seem both nervous and dangerous.
"Really, it's nothing I can't handle" Kent silently pleads the DI to drop the mater which thankfully he does, for now.
They're standing so close together now that Chandler barely has to extend his hand and their finger tips touch ever so slightly, He wants desperately to grasp Kents hand in his own but he wont, that's a step Kent has to make himself, if he should want to.
"I really am sorry" he murmurs and by the tone of his voice Kent knows they're no longer talking about the suspension.
Until now they've not mentioned Chandlers discovery, neither on of them had known how to start that conversation.
"It's Fine, I.." Now its Kent who can't find the words, He'd been so hurt but at the same time he always tries to keep in mind how confusing it can be for other people. "It's my fault, I thought you knew" He breathes out a small humorless laugh and looks anywhere but the DI.
"That doesn't excuse my behaviour"
"well I know it's hard to understand"
Chandler takes a small step forward and turns the DCs face to meet his own "I'd like to try".
There's an honesty in Chandlers expression, one which Kent has grown to adore, It's filled with sincerity and hope and it's all that's needed to coax him to open up.
He tells Chandler how he's never felt like he's fit in to the boxes available, how being exclusively 'Male' or 'Female' seems alien to him. He tells him how he prefers 'non binary' or 'genderqueer' and that although he dresses in suits and prefers the pronoun 'He' he doesn't necessarily identify as 'male', He tells him how he'd transitioned into male almost accidentally, with the career he'd chosen he'd had to favour one or the other and male seemed the most natural, but outside of work he's neither and he's more than happy with that.
Chandler thinks Kent talking this way about himself is the most breathtaking thing he's ever heard.
He's not gay, at least he's never been before. But then he was never really 'straight' before either. So maybe he is gay, but then he's not, because he's a she or she's a he, because between before and now nothing's changed. It's still Kent, and Chandler realise it doesn't matter if he's gay or straight or anything in between, because he'd gladly be anything for Emerson Kent.
Kent's aware of how close they are but it still surprises him when he feels Chandlers breath against his ear as he whispers another apology and "I'd like to try to make it up to you".
All he can respond with is 'Yes Sir' as his fingers fasten around the ones which have lingered close to his own this entire time and chandler presses his lips into his hair.
"It's Joe, when we're here"
Kent finds he likes 'here', this new place they've defined, a place full of soft touches and warm smiles, where finger tips are allowed to trace small patterns against one anothers flesh.
Miles isnt sure what's gone on in Ed Buchans back kitchen but when the DI and young DC emerge they're both smiling. He'd wondered how long it would take the boss to work up the balls to admit his affection for Kent and he could only presume from the flush in the kids cheeks that he'd finally found the bottle. He was glad, they could be good for one another, either way Mansell now owes him twenty quid.
Then their luck changes
They'd discovered the truth about Jimmys 'boyfriend', Chandler had wondered how many times that was going to happen in his life time, subsequently they'd had to question everything else they thought they knew about the twins, what else they might be faking, and that had led them to here, with Miles watching Jimmy Kray beat ten bags of shit out of his DI.
Chandler's aware his face is bloody, he's also aware his opponent is slowing, his stamina running low, it's almost time.
He'd planned on a couple of well placed blows, just enough to get the evidence they need, but once he lands the first punch on Jimmy all he can think of is Kent. It's like a switch has been flipped, he's causing the other man pain and he's enjoying it, this is what he's been itching for, the bell rings but he can't stop, It's exhilarating, It's gratifying, It's payback.
It's worth it just to have Kent clean him up afterwards.
.
Once the case is finally laid to rest, along with Jimmy and Johnny it transpires, there's a distinct shift in the team. It's as though they've been pulled together, there's a solidarity which was absent before, they're family now, they can depend on one another even when they can't depend on anyone else. Nothing has been said but everyone's aware that they've been lucky to come out of the other side of this one, no one else would really be able to understand what they've been through but each DC, the DS and DI alike are aware they have each other now.
It comes as no surprise when Chandler is offered a way out, a fresh start, but he's happy where he is so he makes the decision to stay with his team, with Kent. He's not sure where their relationship is heading but he's looking forward to finding out and although they've never really discussed it he already thinks of them as 'together', so does everyone else in the station and he's more than fine with that too. Above everything he's aware that he's already made the mistake of walking away from Emerson once and he's sworn to him that he'll never do it again.
.
The first time they make love Joe tells Em he'll have to lead, because he's not exactly an expert in this department anyway, he's not sure what he should be doing and he really doesn't want to make a mistake. He finds that when they reach their climax, Kent followed quickly by Chandler, it's not the actions that bring his release, it's not Kent's body or what he's doing with it, it's the feeling that he's been let in on a secret, that Kent's not just sharing with him his body, but also baring his soul, and the words 'I love you' fall easily from his lips because Joe's never been more sure of anything in his life.
Fin