(no subject)
In recent years, I've found myself being really depressed around my birthday. I'm guessing it's a latent "oh god, another year down and I'm still a failure". Which, ok, so I'm NOT but I'm still not where I want to be. Which is also ridiculous, but shut up.
My biggest anxiety right now is that Scott pretty much doesn't want to move from NYC ever, which is not news. But, it would have been fine had he made it a little more obvious he did want to actually live together- I would have worked on that instead of Seattle. At one point he said he'd like me to move out there and get the apartment above his, and, that's stupid- so from then on I figured he wasn't ready, but now I feel like he's playing that WHY'D YOU DO THAT game. He's coming over here for xmas and will be getting a formal offer for a promotion. I want to tell him, but I know better, that if he doesn't move out here for what is likely to be an amazing promotion and raise, even if he's only promising a year or two, I can't keep doing the long distance thing. I'm getting poorer and poorer living in this stupid expensive city (that I love, don't get me wrong), my ability to fly out there and save to eventually move over there (and/or stay here several years more to boost a resume for NYC) will be extremely limited.
But yeah, today I was a giant jackass to him partly because I can't stop feeling THAT and partly because I was supremely jealous he was able to go to our friend's Jeopardy-episode watching party where said friend won. It's probably best that I didn't go, I would have been so happy and drunk by the final jeopardy question I would have punched someone.
My biggest anxiety right now is that Scott pretty much doesn't want to move from NYC ever, which is not news. But, it would have been fine had he made it a little more obvious he did want to actually live together- I would have worked on that instead of Seattle. At one point he said he'd like me to move out there and get the apartment above his, and, that's stupid- so from then on I figured he wasn't ready, but now I feel like he's playing that WHY'D YOU DO THAT game. He's coming over here for xmas and will be getting a formal offer for a promotion. I want to tell him, but I know better, that if he doesn't move out here for what is likely to be an amazing promotion and raise, even if he's only promising a year or two, I can't keep doing the long distance thing. I'm getting poorer and poorer living in this stupid expensive city (that I love, don't get me wrong), my ability to fly out there and save to eventually move over there (and/or stay here several years more to boost a resume for NYC) will be extremely limited.
But yeah, today I was a giant jackass to him partly because I can't stop feeling THAT and partly because I was supremely jealous he was able to go to our friend's Jeopardy-episode watching party where said friend won. It's probably best that I didn't go, I would have been so happy and drunk by the final jeopardy question I would have punched someone.