Only Moreso - Depression - 5/6
Title: Only Moreso - Depression
Rating: M
Genre: drama, angst
Fandom: Marvel's Earth-199999
Pairing: Steve/Tony
Warnings: self loathing to the nth degree, a suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, general emotional nastiness.
Intriguing Snippet: They'll find out how how weak he really is someday and he can't bear the thought. He doesn't want to disappoint everyone who has, so foolishly, placed their faith in him.And he's so very tired of pretending to be strong.
A/n: Many thanks to my beta, Linnea Kou!
ALSO, because it cannot be said enough: trigger warning: this is where Tony attempts suicide!
Masterlist
( Previously)
Tony's always been tactile, even before they were together, so initially Steve had taken the clutching hugs as a sign that maybe Tony was coming back to himself. He let Tony tuck his face against Steve's shoulder, let plaster himself against Steve's chest, arms looping around his neck, and he let Tony hold him for as long as he wanted. When Steve figured out the hugs said I need to know someone cares about me, please, I need human contact, it stopped being a semi-pleasant indulgence and became something else, a wordless reassurance that Steve loved him.
That seemed to make things worse; soon after Steve realized what they said and responded accordingly, Tony's touches become much less frequent. When Tony seemed to break down and need the touch, his embraces were even more desperate and intense and they began to say I'm drowning and I'm too far from shore to save myself.
Steve realized he didn't know how to save Tony from himself.
*
It's a first and only, but Tony's actually grateful for his past as a weapons developer right now. It means he knows his way around explosives and if there's one thing his creations are, it's efficient; there won't be anything left. Which is preferable, he decides as he fiddles with JARVIS's code. They'll all be glad there was nothing to bury after they find out what he is.
*
Tony finds that he's missed Malibu more than he realized. He's missed the sunshine and the cool of the Pacific and the briny smell of the sea wafting in through open windows and it all hits him when he walks out on his patio for the first time in years. If he planned to live beyond the end of the week, he'd start thinking about moving back here someday when he's too old to be an Avenger. Yeah, he can see that, he thinks with a wistful smile. Spending his days in the lab and his evenings curled up with Steve, if Tony were to ask him to stay for Tony's twilight years (although Tony doesn't think he'd try; aside from being a monster who will be dead by Wednesday, he doesn't think it's fair to ask Steve to spend years watching him grow old and die while Steve stays young).
Steve interrupts his train of thought by approaching him from behind and wrapping his arms around Tony, sighing contentedly as he easily tucks his chin over Tony's shoulder. "It's beautiful," Steve says quietly.
"Yeah." Tony watches the swoop and drive of birds over the sea and rests his head against the side of Steve's. "One of the reasons I bought this place was the view," he says. It's a grand, sweeping vista over the green of the ocean and the yellow and muted greens of the land around it, and the house hangs over the edge of the cliff. Tony's fallen asleep many a time to the sound of the waves washing at the rock below and it's one of the reasons he loves this place. He hopes, he knows in vain, that Steve will appreciate the Malibu house even after Tony's gone. He'll have to rebuild part of it, but god knows that he'll be able to afford it with the portion of Tony's fortune he'll inherit.
Tony loves him, but he wishes Steve hadn't come along, he thinks again as he turns around in Steve's hold and sighs against his collarbone. Steve's a variable he's had to recalculate for and he knows that, at best, he can only control for Steve's actions about sixty percent. It's not enough for Tony to be comfortable by a long chalk, but he'd been unable to tell Steve no when Steve had asked to join him.
If Tony were a stronger man and had done the right thing by pushing Steve away, this wouldn't be a problem. Steve wouldn't have thought to ask to come along. But Tony is weak and here they both are. God, Steve is going to hate him so much for all of this. He tucks his head beneath Steve's chin for a moment. So terribly weak, he thinks again and pulls on his everything's-okay mask.
Steve holds him close for a while and then pulls back. "I know you've been saying the East Coast doesn't know Mexican food from a hole in the ground--"
"--And that Clint's Tex Mex is an abomination?" Tony asks brightly.
Laughing, Steve nods. "Why don't you show me some real Mexican food, then?
"Sure," Tony says. It's the least he can do for Steve, who tolerates so very much from him for so tainted little in return. "There's a place about an hour away I think you'll like."
"Oh, I don't want to put you out just for dinner!" Steve says, fanning his hands over Tony's hips. "That's so far!"
"In California," Tony says with amusement, "we don't measure by distance but by time; that's really not that far away when you factor in LA traffic. But even if it were," he says and drapes an arm around Steve's shoulder, "I'd do it for you." Steve flushes adorably and Tony aches when he thinks again about how much he loves Steve and how much Steve is going to hate him soon.
Steve smiles, a little bashful, and nods. "I'll take your word for it."
"Good," Tony says, finding, to his surprise, that he can smile genuinely. "Wanna go now?"
"Sure," Steve says and lets Tony lead the way down to the garage.
*El Gallo is as excellent as Tony remembers and Steve loves it. Inexplicably, he really likes menudo.
"It's organ meat." Tony says, wrinkling his nose.
Steve raises an eyebrow, his fork pausing between plate and mouth. "There is nothing wrong with organ meat."
Tony makes a face and goes back to his chile relleno. "I'm chalking that up to the Great Depression's limited menu."
"You do that," Steve says and eats his forkful with gusto. "It's still delicious."
Tony shakes his head. "Anyway, you should go to an exhibit with Pepper Tuesday evening - I already asked and she's got tickets for a gallery opening she thinks you'd like."
Steve frowns a little. "I -- don't get me wrong, I love Pepper and I think she's amazing -- but I came to be with you."
Maybe Steve and Pepper will get together after he's gone. They'd be a good couple, Tony thinks. "I know," he agrees. "But I came out here for work. I'm gonna be working with the R&D guys until fairly late, like I said before we left, and there's a lot to do here -- stuff you can't get in New York -- that you shouldn't miss out on because your boyfriend is buried in his lab all day."
"Maybe you could come with me?" Steve asked, his eyes big and hopeful.
Tony shakes his head. "But maybe we can come out here on vacation sometime soon." His breath catches on the lie. There will be no soon.
Steve must catch a whiff of something in his words. "Yeah, that would be nice. Maybe in a month or two?" he asks, eyes uncertain.
"Sure." Tony nods. "We can do that. I'll even brave Disneyland, if you want it. Now," he says with a grin. "Dessert here or on the way home? They do magical things with a churro here."
"What's a churro?" Steve asks, allowing the subject change.
*
Tuesday evening comes and Steve is safely ensconced with Pepper for at least until midnight. Tony has been jittery and on edge since he got up, trying to hide his growing agitation as the day goes on. Today is the day he's going to end it, he thinks sometime around three in the afternoon. There's a definitive end in sight.
That's a sobering, steadying thought. He can feel the calm it brings flowing through him and he runs through his mental checklist again. Codes for the suit and for JARVIS are tucked away in his 'in case of death' folder in his server (which will be unlocked by JARVIS when Steve tells him), his will is totally updated, and all the other loose ends are taken care of for both the company and the Avengers. The explosive - the way he's chosen to go out - is all set and JARVIS is set to 'forget' everything that's happened for the last few hours and to erase all set-up tracks from his databases (complete with dummy footage that shows it to be an accident) as soon as the bomb goes off, leaving him -- and therefore everyone else -- totally unaware that this was premeditated. Steve is none the wiser and they parted ways this morning on a good note, and he's talked to the other people who matter most to him already (Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, and Bruce) in the last few days.
Nodding to himself, Tony goes back to work.
*
"Steve," Pepper asks, eyes on the road as she drives them to the gallery, "has Tony been acting worryingly odd, lately? Because when he and I talked Sunday night, it felt like he was saying good bye, and the last time he sounded like that, he was dying of palladium poisoning."
"Yeah." Steve nods, shifting uncomfortably. His stomach has been knotted all day and he has a bad feeling about this. "He has. Everything was okay when we got up, but when I left it felt like that, too."
Pepper glances at him quickly. "We should skip the opening, maybe?"
Steve sighs. "I think so," he says.
Sliding into the next turn lane, Pepper flips a u-turn and makes for the Malibu house.
*
Well, Tony thinks as he takes a sip of his sixth whiskey and eying the clock. It's nine thirty, which is a good a time as any. Tony picks up the remote and presses the button, watching the count down blink. Here goes everythi--
*
They wind their way up the long driveway to the house, going as fast as Pepper dares on the switch back road she hasn't regularly driven in a couple years. They crest the last rise to the house just in time to see the house be rocked by an explosion.
Rating: M
Genre: drama, angst
Fandom: Marvel's Earth-199999
Pairing: Steve/Tony
Warnings: self loathing to the nth degree, a suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, general emotional nastiness.
Intriguing Snippet: They'll find out how how weak he really is someday and he can't bear the thought. He doesn't want to disappoint everyone who has, so foolishly, placed their faith in him.And he's so very tired of pretending to be strong.
A/n: Many thanks to my beta, Linnea Kou!
ALSO, because it cannot be said enough: trigger warning: this is where Tony attempts suicide!
Masterlist
( Previously)
Tony's always been tactile, even before they were together, so initially Steve had taken the clutching hugs as a sign that maybe Tony was coming back to himself. He let Tony tuck his face against Steve's shoulder, let plaster himself against Steve's chest, arms looping around his neck, and he let Tony hold him for as long as he wanted. When Steve figured out the hugs said I need to know someone cares about me, please, I need human contact, it stopped being a semi-pleasant indulgence and became something else, a wordless reassurance that Steve loved him.
That seemed to make things worse; soon after Steve realized what they said and responded accordingly, Tony's touches become much less frequent. When Tony seemed to break down and need the touch, his embraces were even more desperate and intense and they began to say I'm drowning and I'm too far from shore to save myself.
Steve realized he didn't know how to save Tony from himself.
*
It's a first and only, but Tony's actually grateful for his past as a weapons developer right now. It means he knows his way around explosives and if there's one thing his creations are, it's efficient; there won't be anything left. Which is preferable, he decides as he fiddles with JARVIS's code. They'll all be glad there was nothing to bury after they find out what he is.
*
Tony finds that he's missed Malibu more than he realized. He's missed the sunshine and the cool of the Pacific and the briny smell of the sea wafting in through open windows and it all hits him when he walks out on his patio for the first time in years. If he planned to live beyond the end of the week, he'd start thinking about moving back here someday when he's too old to be an Avenger. Yeah, he can see that, he thinks with a wistful smile. Spending his days in the lab and his evenings curled up with Steve, if Tony were to ask him to stay for Tony's twilight years (although Tony doesn't think he'd try; aside from being a monster who will be dead by Wednesday, he doesn't think it's fair to ask Steve to spend years watching him grow old and die while Steve stays young).
Steve interrupts his train of thought by approaching him from behind and wrapping his arms around Tony, sighing contentedly as he easily tucks his chin over Tony's shoulder. "It's beautiful," Steve says quietly.
"Yeah." Tony watches the swoop and drive of birds over the sea and rests his head against the side of Steve's. "One of the reasons I bought this place was the view," he says. It's a grand, sweeping vista over the green of the ocean and the yellow and muted greens of the land around it, and the house hangs over the edge of the cliff. Tony's fallen asleep many a time to the sound of the waves washing at the rock below and it's one of the reasons he loves this place. He hopes, he knows in vain, that Steve will appreciate the Malibu house even after Tony's gone. He'll have to rebuild part of it, but god knows that he'll be able to afford it with the portion of Tony's fortune he'll inherit.
Tony loves him, but he wishes Steve hadn't come along, he thinks again as he turns around in Steve's hold and sighs against his collarbone. Steve's a variable he's had to recalculate for and he knows that, at best, he can only control for Steve's actions about sixty percent. It's not enough for Tony to be comfortable by a long chalk, but he'd been unable to tell Steve no when Steve had asked to join him.
If Tony were a stronger man and had done the right thing by pushing Steve away, this wouldn't be a problem. Steve wouldn't have thought to ask to come along. But Tony is weak and here they both are. God, Steve is going to hate him so much for all of this. He tucks his head beneath Steve's chin for a moment. So terribly weak, he thinks again and pulls on his everything's-okay mask.
Steve holds him close for a while and then pulls back. "I know you've been saying the East Coast doesn't know Mexican food from a hole in the ground--"
"--And that Clint's Tex Mex is an abomination?" Tony asks brightly.
Laughing, Steve nods. "Why don't you show me some real Mexican food, then?
"Sure," Tony says. It's the least he can do for Steve, who tolerates so very much from him for so tainted little in return. "There's a place about an hour away I think you'll like."
"Oh, I don't want to put you out just for dinner!" Steve says, fanning his hands over Tony's hips. "That's so far!"
"In California," Tony says with amusement, "we don't measure by distance but by time; that's really not that far away when you factor in LA traffic. But even if it were," he says and drapes an arm around Steve's shoulder, "I'd do it for you." Steve flushes adorably and Tony aches when he thinks again about how much he loves Steve and how much Steve is going to hate him soon.
Steve smiles, a little bashful, and nods. "I'll take your word for it."
"Good," Tony says, finding, to his surprise, that he can smile genuinely. "Wanna go now?"
"Sure," Steve says and lets Tony lead the way down to the garage.
*El Gallo is as excellent as Tony remembers and Steve loves it. Inexplicably, he really likes menudo.
"It's organ meat." Tony says, wrinkling his nose.
Steve raises an eyebrow, his fork pausing between plate and mouth. "There is nothing wrong with organ meat."
Tony makes a face and goes back to his chile relleno. "I'm chalking that up to the Great Depression's limited menu."
"You do that," Steve says and eats his forkful with gusto. "It's still delicious."
Tony shakes his head. "Anyway, you should go to an exhibit with Pepper Tuesday evening - I already asked and she's got tickets for a gallery opening she thinks you'd like."
Steve frowns a little. "I -- don't get me wrong, I love Pepper and I think she's amazing -- but I came to be with you."
Maybe Steve and Pepper will get together after he's gone. They'd be a good couple, Tony thinks. "I know," he agrees. "But I came out here for work. I'm gonna be working with the R&D guys until fairly late, like I said before we left, and there's a lot to do here -- stuff you can't get in New York -- that you shouldn't miss out on because your boyfriend is buried in his lab all day."
"Maybe you could come with me?" Steve asked, his eyes big and hopeful.
Tony shakes his head. "But maybe we can come out here on vacation sometime soon." His breath catches on the lie. There will be no soon.
Steve must catch a whiff of something in his words. "Yeah, that would be nice. Maybe in a month or two?" he asks, eyes uncertain.
"Sure." Tony nods. "We can do that. I'll even brave Disneyland, if you want it. Now," he says with a grin. "Dessert here or on the way home? They do magical things with a churro here."
"What's a churro?" Steve asks, allowing the subject change.
*
Tuesday evening comes and Steve is safely ensconced with Pepper for at least until midnight. Tony has been jittery and on edge since he got up, trying to hide his growing agitation as the day goes on. Today is the day he's going to end it, he thinks sometime around three in the afternoon. There's a definitive end in sight.
That's a sobering, steadying thought. He can feel the calm it brings flowing through him and he runs through his mental checklist again. Codes for the suit and for JARVIS are tucked away in his 'in case of death' folder in his server (which will be unlocked by JARVIS when Steve tells him), his will is totally updated, and all the other loose ends are taken care of for both the company and the Avengers. The explosive - the way he's chosen to go out - is all set and JARVIS is set to 'forget' everything that's happened for the last few hours and to erase all set-up tracks from his databases (complete with dummy footage that shows it to be an accident) as soon as the bomb goes off, leaving him -- and therefore everyone else -- totally unaware that this was premeditated. Steve is none the wiser and they parted ways this morning on a good note, and he's talked to the other people who matter most to him already (Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, and Bruce) in the last few days.
Nodding to himself, Tony goes back to work.
*
"Steve," Pepper asks, eyes on the road as she drives them to the gallery, "has Tony been acting worryingly odd, lately? Because when he and I talked Sunday night, it felt like he was saying good bye, and the last time he sounded like that, he was dying of palladium poisoning."
"Yeah." Steve nods, shifting uncomfortably. His stomach has been knotted all day and he has a bad feeling about this. "He has. Everything was okay when we got up, but when I left it felt like that, too."
Pepper glances at him quickly. "We should skip the opening, maybe?"
Steve sighs. "I think so," he says.
Sliding into the next turn lane, Pepper flips a u-turn and makes for the Malibu house.
*
Well, Tony thinks as he takes a sip of his sixth whiskey and eying the clock. It's nine thirty, which is a good a time as any. Tony picks up the remote and presses the button, watching the count down blink. Here goes everythi--
*
They wind their way up the long driveway to the house, going as fast as Pepper dares on the switch back road she hasn't regularly driven in a couple years. They crest the last rise to the house just in time to see the house be rocked by an explosion.