Only Moreso - Depression - 3/6
Title: Only Moreso - Depression
Rating: M
Genre: drama, angst
Fandom: Marvel's Earth-199999
Pairing: Steve/Tony (developing relationship)
Warnings: self loathing to the nth degree, a suicide attempt in part five,
Intriguing Snippet: They'll find out how how weak he really is someday and he can't bear the thought. He doesn't want to disappoint everyone who has, so foolishly, placed their faith in him.And he's so very tired of pretending to be strong.
A/n: Still looking for a beta!
Masterlist
( Previously )
After a nasty fight with Doom, Tony is peeling off his armor at the bottom of his workshop, wincing at the damage as he takes off each piece. He must be taking too long to get back for debriefing because Steve shows up when Tony is prying back one of the damaged plates on his hip to get at a release buried beneath it.
Steve eyes are big and soft with concern as he approaches. "Let me give you a hand, Tony."
"No, no," Tony says. "I've got it." The screwdriver he's levering under a bend in the metal skitters out when he applies too much force and he sighs tiredly. He's so weak. Tony pauses when Steve holds out his hand for the screwdriver, unwilling to impose on him but when Steve holds his hand out more insistently, he hands it over, resting his hands lightly on Steve's shoulders for balance.
Steve edges the flat head of the screwdriver under the exposed face of the plate, slides an arm around Tony to brace him, and twists it slowly with an unwavering strength Tony would probably need the suit to match. It pops free and Steve gives him back the tool with a smile. He runs a hand through Tony's sweaty hair affectionately and Tony gives into his sudden urge to touch Steve, looping his arms around Steve's shoulders and pulling him close. Steve immediately and wordlessly accepts the gesture and curls his arms around Tony's body in return.
Which is strange, Tony thinks, tucking his face against Steve's t-shirted shoulder. The few times he's done it to Pepper, she murmured soothing, pitying nonsense into his hair, and the one time he had hugged Rhodey like this (because in these moments, Tony needs to know someone cares and he has trouble stopping himself even though the touches reek of weakness and desperation), Rhodey had awkwardly tolerated it and then ran off the moment Tony had let go.
Steve, though, Steve doesn't speak or even sigh. He just lets Tony hold him for a long moment and doesn't say anything, either, when Tony pulls away just as suddenly as he had hugged him.
Steve leans against the table nearby and Tony catches the expression on Steve's face out of the corner of his eye. It's warm, unfamiliar expression and it takes Tony a little while to place it as he continues taking off his armor. He stops as he realizes what it means and turns his attention to Steve, who is still looking the same way, and Tony doesn't really know what to do. Steve's expression shifts to a mixture of curiosity and concern, so he smiles instead of saying anything (it's probably his realest smile in what feels like months). Steve smiles back and it feels like all the air has been kicked out of Tony' lungs and it hurts and he's happy and he's drowning in too many emotions at once.
From that day on, Tony sees Steve's feelings in every touch and gesture, every look and word, and he drinks it in greedily. Tony loves him with everything he's got, too, and he loves that Steve loves him, even though he knows he's pretty much tricked Steve into it. Tony doesn't know how he tricked Steve but there's no other way to explain it -- people don't love him like Steve does of their own volition.
Pushing Steve away is what he should do because loving Steve and letting Steve love him are eminently selfish acts but Tony is nothing if not selfish. Steve will find out, like everyone else, what a weak, ugly person Tony is inside and he will leave, like anyone else would. And that he loved someone as weak and pathetic as Tony will hurt Steve, because he deserves someone as strong and good as he is.
Tony is weak. Tony is an animal. Tony is the saddest little monster of them all. No one, least of all Steve, should never be tricked into loving someone like him.
He lets Steve love him anyway and takes whatever he's willing to give (Tony is pathetic and so terribly weak that he can't even bring himself to protect Steve because he needs to know someone cares about him to even pretend to function). And Tony loves him so much. He tries to give what he can back without contaminating Steve with his poison and his rot. Steve must notice that he always takes a moment to examine what he's saying and that he doesn't give quite as freely of himself as Steve does. Tony wants to, but he won't contaminate Steve. He won't.
Tony wishes he were small. He just wants to curl in on himself somewhere and not be seen by anyone, and being smaller would make hiding so much easier.
As it is, he has to make do with silence and either staying in his lab or in rooms in the old, echoy parts of the mansion, where no one but cleaning staff has been in years. The rooms smell faintly of lemon oil and stale air, and it's too far out of the way for JARVIS here. Tony comes to them when he's too weary and too raw to deal with the possibility of other people because no one will think to look here; they'll probably assume he skipped off to Malibu before they think to look for him in the house.
He's using these rooms as a refuge more and more these days and Tony can't make himself care about the fact that isolating himself like this a bad idea. His phone rings and he ignores it, tucking his arm under his head and shifting on the couch he's semi-cleared off. He wonders briefly if he's remembered to turn off the GPS chip before deciding it doesn't matter. No one is going to come look for him anyway.
About an hour later, there's a knock and a tentative, "Tony?"
At the sight of a worried Steve poking his head into the room, Tony's chest begins to ache and the weight of the reactor hanging in his sternum hasn't been so obvious in a long time, but he gives Steve what is probably a wane smile. "Hi Steve," he says as the other man quietly closes the door behind him, crossing the short distance to Tony's couch. He really wishes Steve would look worried less. Tony doesn't think he's worth the feeling.
"Have you been out here all day?" Steve asks, perching by Tony's hip.
Tony's instinct is to reach out and touch Steve but he can't bring himself to, feels like it would be too heavy. "No," he lies. He's been here almost since he woke up but Steve doesn't need to know that. "Only a little while." He tilts his head and smiles crookedly. "Just needed to get away from the noise."
Steve doesn't look like he's buying it and Tony feels horrible for dragging Steve into his downward spiral. Tony's certain he's going to hit bottom this time; it's inevitable at this point.
He's so weak.
Steve looks like he's going to say something, something Tony probably doesn't want to hear. He pauses for a moment, then says, "Let's go out tonight. I think we're both probably going a little stir crazy."
Tony gnaws on the inside of his lip for a moment. He knows he's an incredible imposition and Steve gives so much for precious little in return. "All right. What should we do?"
"Whatever you want, Tony," Steve says, resting a hand on Tony's hip and smiling at him.
Tony smiles back. Quite frankly, he'd prefer to hide by himself instead of going out and he has no idea what to say. "Dinner?" he offers eventually. "You pick the place."
"Ok," Steve agrees. "Uh, there's a place I'd like to try in Queens."
"All right," Tony says. "When?"
"Half past seven?"
"Sure." Tony nods. He has some time between now and then to work himself up into going. He's going to need every minute of it.
Steve suggests that he drives because he knows where the place is and looks at him expectantly. Ordinarily Tony would turn this into flirting banter but today he can only be grateful for the offer. He can't dredge up the energy to navigate the warren that is the backstreets of Queens and he gestures for Steve to take his pick from the garage.
Steve chooses one of Tony's less flashy cars, a black Benz, and he shoots Tony concerned looks the whole way there. Tony gives him the best smiles he can in return. What else is he supposed to do?
The place Steve has picked is a little Greek hole in the wall and the food is pretty good. The dolmas are tangy and the falafal sandwich he gets is flavorful and Tony wishes he could properly enjoy it. He wishes for a lot of things, though. He's so weak, he thinks as Steve talks about an art installation he wants to see. Tony alternately hopes it's sometime soon because he wants it over with and that it's far into the future so he can muster up the energy to be a good date.
Goddamn, Tony hates the paparazzi. All they did was have dinner in the ass-end of Queens and there's a dozen or so of the vultures lurking outside. Tony can feel a PR disaster coming on.
"Captain Rogers, what do you have to say to the people who are claiming you're in a relationship with Tony Stark?"
"Tony, what do you have to say about--!"
"Mr. Rogers!"
"Captain Amer--"
"Mr. Stark! What about--?"
"Have you heard the rumors that say--"
Tony clamps his jaw shut and glares while Steve repeats "no comment" until Tony wants to scream
"How about you, Mr Stark?" one asks Tony, the accompanying photographer shoving a camera in his face. "You, the biggest party boy and player in the last twenty years, have been so reclusive lately! It is because Cap has you on a tight leash?"
Tony glares at him. "No, you fucking moron, it's because I'm busy saving your collective asses," he snaps, shoving the camera lens. "Get that the fuck out of my face!"
The rag columnist grins like Tony handed him the grand prize and Tony could not care less it. "Oh come on, Tony! You always found time before!"
Tony snarls and Steve puts a hand on Tony's shoulder blade, leaning in to say, "Come on, let's go home."
"I'll take that as a 'yes,' Tony," the reporter calls as Tony allows Steve to usher him away from reporters.
Steve wordlessly slides into the driver's seat again and Tony hurts all over as Steve starts up the car.
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Rating: M
Genre: drama, angst
Fandom: Marvel's Earth-199999
Pairing: Steve/Tony (developing relationship)
Warnings: self loathing to the nth degree, a suicide attempt in part five,
Intriguing Snippet: They'll find out how how weak he really is someday and he can't bear the thought. He doesn't want to disappoint everyone who has, so foolishly, placed their faith in him.And he's so very tired of pretending to be strong.
A/n: Still looking for a beta!
Masterlist
( Previously )
After a nasty fight with Doom, Tony is peeling off his armor at the bottom of his workshop, wincing at the damage as he takes off each piece. He must be taking too long to get back for debriefing because Steve shows up when Tony is prying back one of the damaged plates on his hip to get at a release buried beneath it.
Steve eyes are big and soft with concern as he approaches. "Let me give you a hand, Tony."
"No, no," Tony says. "I've got it." The screwdriver he's levering under a bend in the metal skitters out when he applies too much force and he sighs tiredly. He's so weak. Tony pauses when Steve holds out his hand for the screwdriver, unwilling to impose on him but when Steve holds his hand out more insistently, he hands it over, resting his hands lightly on Steve's shoulders for balance.
Steve edges the flat head of the screwdriver under the exposed face of the plate, slides an arm around Tony to brace him, and twists it slowly with an unwavering strength Tony would probably need the suit to match. It pops free and Steve gives him back the tool with a smile. He runs a hand through Tony's sweaty hair affectionately and Tony gives into his sudden urge to touch Steve, looping his arms around Steve's shoulders and pulling him close. Steve immediately and wordlessly accepts the gesture and curls his arms around Tony's body in return.
Which is strange, Tony thinks, tucking his face against Steve's t-shirted shoulder. The few times he's done it to Pepper, she murmured soothing, pitying nonsense into his hair, and the one time he had hugged Rhodey like this (because in these moments, Tony needs to know someone cares and he has trouble stopping himself even though the touches reek of weakness and desperation), Rhodey had awkwardly tolerated it and then ran off the moment Tony had let go.
Steve, though, Steve doesn't speak or even sigh. He just lets Tony hold him for a long moment and doesn't say anything, either, when Tony pulls away just as suddenly as he had hugged him.
Steve leans against the table nearby and Tony catches the expression on Steve's face out of the corner of his eye. It's warm, unfamiliar expression and it takes Tony a little while to place it as he continues taking off his armor. He stops as he realizes what it means and turns his attention to Steve, who is still looking the same way, and Tony doesn't really know what to do. Steve's expression shifts to a mixture of curiosity and concern, so he smiles instead of saying anything (it's probably his realest smile in what feels like months). Steve smiles back and it feels like all the air has been kicked out of Tony' lungs and it hurts and he's happy and he's drowning in too many emotions at once.
From that day on, Tony sees Steve's feelings in every touch and gesture, every look and word, and he drinks it in greedily. Tony loves him with everything he's got, too, and he loves that Steve loves him, even though he knows he's pretty much tricked Steve into it. Tony doesn't know how he tricked Steve but there's no other way to explain it -- people don't love him like Steve does of their own volition.
Pushing Steve away is what he should do because loving Steve and letting Steve love him are eminently selfish acts but Tony is nothing if not selfish. Steve will find out, like everyone else, what a weak, ugly person Tony is inside and he will leave, like anyone else would. And that he loved someone as weak and pathetic as Tony will hurt Steve, because he deserves someone as strong and good as he is.
Tony is weak. Tony is an animal. Tony is the saddest little monster of them all. No one, least of all Steve, should never be tricked into loving someone like him.
He lets Steve love him anyway and takes whatever he's willing to give (Tony is pathetic and so terribly weak that he can't even bring himself to protect Steve because he needs to know someone cares about him to even pretend to function). And Tony loves him so much. He tries to give what he can back without contaminating Steve with his poison and his rot. Steve must notice that he always takes a moment to examine what he's saying and that he doesn't give quite as freely of himself as Steve does. Tony wants to, but he won't contaminate Steve. He won't.
Tony wishes he were small. He just wants to curl in on himself somewhere and not be seen by anyone, and being smaller would make hiding so much easier.
As it is, he has to make do with silence and either staying in his lab or in rooms in the old, echoy parts of the mansion, where no one but cleaning staff has been in years. The rooms smell faintly of lemon oil and stale air, and it's too far out of the way for JARVIS here. Tony comes to them when he's too weary and too raw to deal with the possibility of other people because no one will think to look here; they'll probably assume he skipped off to Malibu before they think to look for him in the house.
He's using these rooms as a refuge more and more these days and Tony can't make himself care about the fact that isolating himself like this a bad idea. His phone rings and he ignores it, tucking his arm under his head and shifting on the couch he's semi-cleared off. He wonders briefly if he's remembered to turn off the GPS chip before deciding it doesn't matter. No one is going to come look for him anyway.
About an hour later, there's a knock and a tentative, "Tony?"
At the sight of a worried Steve poking his head into the room, Tony's chest begins to ache and the weight of the reactor hanging in his sternum hasn't been so obvious in a long time, but he gives Steve what is probably a wane smile. "Hi Steve," he says as the other man quietly closes the door behind him, crossing the short distance to Tony's couch. He really wishes Steve would look worried less. Tony doesn't think he's worth the feeling.
"Have you been out here all day?" Steve asks, perching by Tony's hip.
Tony's instinct is to reach out and touch Steve but he can't bring himself to, feels like it would be too heavy. "No," he lies. He's been here almost since he woke up but Steve doesn't need to know that. "Only a little while." He tilts his head and smiles crookedly. "Just needed to get away from the noise."
Steve doesn't look like he's buying it and Tony feels horrible for dragging Steve into his downward spiral. Tony's certain he's going to hit bottom this time; it's inevitable at this point.
He's so weak.
Steve looks like he's going to say something, something Tony probably doesn't want to hear. He pauses for a moment, then says, "Let's go out tonight. I think we're both probably going a little stir crazy."
Tony gnaws on the inside of his lip for a moment. He knows he's an incredible imposition and Steve gives so much for precious little in return. "All right. What should we do?"
"Whatever you want, Tony," Steve says, resting a hand on Tony's hip and smiling at him.
Tony smiles back. Quite frankly, he'd prefer to hide by himself instead of going out and he has no idea what to say. "Dinner?" he offers eventually. "You pick the place."
"Ok," Steve agrees. "Uh, there's a place I'd like to try in Queens."
"All right," Tony says. "When?"
"Half past seven?"
"Sure." Tony nods. He has some time between now and then to work himself up into going. He's going to need every minute of it.
Steve suggests that he drives because he knows where the place is and looks at him expectantly. Ordinarily Tony would turn this into flirting banter but today he can only be grateful for the offer. He can't dredge up the energy to navigate the warren that is the backstreets of Queens and he gestures for Steve to take his pick from the garage.
Steve chooses one of Tony's less flashy cars, a black Benz, and he shoots Tony concerned looks the whole way there. Tony gives him the best smiles he can in return. What else is he supposed to do?
The place Steve has picked is a little Greek hole in the wall and the food is pretty good. The dolmas are tangy and the falafal sandwich he gets is flavorful and Tony wishes he could properly enjoy it. He wishes for a lot of things, though. He's so weak, he thinks as Steve talks about an art installation he wants to see. Tony alternately hopes it's sometime soon because he wants it over with and that it's far into the future so he can muster up the energy to be a good date.
Goddamn, Tony hates the paparazzi. All they did was have dinner in the ass-end of Queens and there's a dozen or so of the vultures lurking outside. Tony can feel a PR disaster coming on.
"Captain Rogers, what do you have to say to the people who are claiming you're in a relationship with Tony Stark?"
"Tony, what do you have to say about--!"
"Mr. Rogers!"
"Captain Amer--"
"Mr. Stark! What about--?"
"Have you heard the rumors that say--"
Tony clamps his jaw shut and glares while Steve repeats "no comment" until Tony wants to scream
"How about you, Mr Stark?" one asks Tony, the accompanying photographer shoving a camera in his face. "You, the biggest party boy and player in the last twenty years, have been so reclusive lately! It is because Cap has you on a tight leash?"
Tony glares at him. "No, you fucking moron, it's because I'm busy saving your collective asses," he snaps, shoving the camera lens. "Get that the fuck out of my face!"
The rag columnist grins like Tony handed him the grand prize and Tony could not care less it. "Oh come on, Tony! You always found time before!"
Tony snarls and Steve puts a hand on Tony's shoulder blade, leaning in to say, "Come on, let's go home."
"I'll take that as a 'yes,' Tony," the reporter calls as Tony allows Steve to usher him away from reporters.
Steve wordlessly slides into the driver's seat again and Tony hurts all over as Steve starts up the car.
Next >>