Texting is an Adventure
Title: Texting is an Adventure
Fandom: Stxi
Genre: crack, humor
Rating: Most deeeefinitely an R!
Disclaimer: Yes, I am actually the people who own the ST franchise and Texts From Last Night. All of them. Simultaneously.
Characters/Pairings: Jim/Bones (eventually), Jim/Gaila, Jim/Gaila/mysterious and unhappy third partner, Gary Mitchell, Uhura, Scotty, Chekov, Sulu, various OFC mentioned in passing.
Warnings: implied threesome and vague tastelessness. Also some really weird shit.
Beta: hyde_the_body
A/n: To the men and women who actually live like this, I salute you! You make me wish I was going away for college. That way, I could do coke while drunkenly being pulled in a boat by a lawnmower and not have people I was in girl scouts with see it!
Inspired by Text From Last Night. One line per drabble is lifted from a post (directly or slightly altered). Pre-and-actual slash. Could end as a series. I read TFLN enough to crank out a zillion more of these, I assure you.
JTK: You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him.
MS: Did he let me back in?
JTK: No, Scotty. But he did give you five credits and a pat on the head.
MS: Aw, that was nice of him.
LHM: Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they need anal bleaching before. I think I might have to kill myself.
LHM: I thought this kind of shit was over after I finished my internship.
JTK: I thought you said no one had ever asked you that?
LHM: They didn't. A girl asked me if she should tattoo her areolas darker, though.
JTK: What did you say?
LHM: Yes. They blended in with the rest of her tits. And it was creepy because her actual nipples were almost red.
JTK: There is a full sized piano in the middle of the quad. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this, Bones.
LHM: I make no promises when there is tequila involved.
LHM: Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in a movie theater?
NU: Because, Leonard, you are friends with Kirk. And Kirk attracts people like that.
LHM: Have I mentioned that I hate it when you're right, Nyota?
NU: Yes. Frequently. And always in relation to Kirk.
JTK: He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, and I'll use a fine, fine bourbon as bait.
HS: Seriously, Jim?
JTK: You have never seen Bones naked, Hiraku. I have, and I WILL have him!
JTK: Am I texting you while being used as a stripper-pole by two half-naked women? Hint: I am.
LHM: Jesus Christ Jim! I'm trying to fuckin sleep, man!
JTK: Booones, you should come over! This party is TOTALLY worth the loss of sleep.
LHM: So I can watch chicks grind on you? No thanks.
JTK: There's way more than that! FREE BOOZE. LOTS AND LOTS OF FREE BOOZE.
LHM: I went through that stage like eight years ago. Free booze holds little appeal. Now leave me the fuck alone, or I will find creative and painful ways to kill you in your sleep.
JTK: :( You make me sad.
LHM: GOOD.
JTK: :( :( :( :(
JTK: I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
GO: Can't you lock the door? And don't you want McCoy anyway?
JTK: He'd just hack it and yeeeah. But not when he takes a dump in the toilet when I'm in the tub! That has to be one of the worst smelling shits I have ever, ever been exposed to, Gaila. You don't do that to a man when he's bathing! You just don't!
GO: Aww, that's a sign of twu wuv, Jim! When a man feels comfortable enough to poop in front of you, you know he really loves you.
JTK: THERE HAS BEEN NO DECLARATION OF LOVE. HE JUST SHAT AND LEFT.
GO: Well, I guess that means he'll mean it when/if he does declare his endless, undying love for you.
JTK: I hate you.
NU: There were close to a dozen Cardassian Sunrises each involved. And I don't want to talk about it.
LHM: You didn't get any in Gaila, did you? Because I don't even want to know what that would do to her. And how big was the can?
NU: No, none got in her, thank god. Just the can, which was pretty slim. Gaila seems ok and she thinks it's funny.
LHM: She would. And BOW-CHIKA-WOW-WOW. How kinky!
LHM: Can I watch next time?
NU: Kirk! Stop stealing Leonard's comm!
NU: And I just want to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bug spray.
JTK: Gaila, seriously. You can tell me.
GO: It's so awkward though!
JTK: I've yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
GO: I still don't understand how that happened. Humans confuse me sometimes. Particularly you.
JTK: Gary almost stepped on my nuts. Which is why we no longer have sex at parties.
GO: :( I miss that. Well, the situation with Nyota, ever since the bug spray incident, has gotten kind of weird.
JTK: She _did_ drunkenly shove a can of poisonous liquid into your vagina. The natural human reaction to this is awkwardness. What’s she doing?
GO: Avoiding me. And spending lots of time with her favorite instructor.
JTK: Ooh? Tell me more.
JTK: You said eat breakfast. So I poured Bailey's on top of m&ms. It tastes just like cereal, I swear.
LHM: You're still drunk, aren't you?
JTK: Yep.
JTK: And no judging me. Don't pretend you haven't been here before.
JTK: Hey. Can you be so hungover that you get a rash?
LHM: ...what?
JTK: I was out drinking last night annnd I woke up really hung over (like, the light from my comm is blinding me), and I have a mysterious new rash.
LHM: New? There's a "new rash" to be had?
JTK: If I say yes, will you fix me still?
LHM: Jesus Christ, Jim. Where are you?
JTK: I have no idea.
JTK: Oakland?
LHM: You realize that's a long BART ride away from campus, don't you? And you are so lucky I like you.
JTK: I know. I appreciate it and it amazes me every time that you're still willing to help me.
LHM: It's all right, kid. Figure out where the hell you are, and I'll be there soon. But you owe me beer, got that? Lots and lots of beer.
JTK: I am trapped in a bar with French tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, you know what happened.
LHM: I don't even know how you get yourself into these things.
JTK: I'm a shit magnet. I accepted this long ago. If I don't get in touch with you by 1800 tomorrow, come find me.
LHM: You better not end up in Fresno again. I'm not coming after you if you do.
JTK: Aww, come on, Fresno's not that bad.
LHM: I beg to differ. Hillbillies don't let go of grudges, everyone knows everyone there apparently, and I bet half the town would come after your ass for fucking that guy's girlfriend on the pool table.
JTK: Point. I'll try not to end up there this time.
HS: It's like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and Taco Bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
PAC: I am sorry. :( Serbian girls like me! I cannot help it! And Taco Bell is wonderful. I am convinced the founder must have been Russian.
HS: He was an American from Irvine!
PAC: They were Russians who left the motherland.
HS: Yeah, I know, but he wasn't. The guy's last name probably WAS Bell, which is the most anglo last name ever.
PAC: He was still probably part Russian.
JTK: Did we decide the “sorry about the threesome” cake was too flippant?
GO: Leonard says it is. I'm not so sure.
JTK: The cake's not for him, though.
LHM: Why am I friends with Jim?
NU: I wonder that a lot. What did he do now?
LHM: He told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline.
LHM: Though he's really, really drunk.
NU: ...why is there a trampoline?
LHM: I went with him to a house party in Berkeley so he didn't get himself killed. And there's a trampoline. I think the house belongs to a bunch of UCB frat boys.
NU: That would explain it.
JTK: There's a wall by my room which is a prime fucking wall. Before I move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddammit.
JTK: Can I convince you to oblige me, Bones? :D
LHM: Sure.
JTK: Really? Are you serious?
LHM: Yep.
JTK: When?
LHM: Whenever I feel like it.
JTK: That sounds like a 'no', Bones.
LHM: It isn't. Sometime between now and you moving out, I will fuck you against that wall.
JTK: We'll have to cover or hack the cameras, but dear GOD yes!
LHM: No...we'll leave the cameras. It'll just be late at night.
JTK: I have no objections whatsoever.
LHM:: Didn’t think you would, horndog.
JTK: I’m choosing to take that as a compliment.
Fandom: Stxi
Genre: crack, humor
Rating: Most deeeefinitely an R!
Disclaimer: Yes, I am actually the people who own the ST franchise and Texts From Last Night. All of them. Simultaneously.
Characters/Pairings: Jim/Bones (eventually), Jim/Gaila, Jim/Gaila/mysterious and unhappy third partner, Gary Mitchell, Uhura, Scotty, Chekov, Sulu, various OFC mentioned in passing.
Warnings: implied threesome and vague tastelessness. Also some really weird shit.
Beta: hyde_the_body
A/n: To the men and women who actually live like this, I salute you! You make me wish I was going away for college. That way, I could do coke while drunkenly being pulled in a boat by a lawnmower and not have people I was in girl scouts with see it!
Inspired by Text From Last Night. One line per drabble is lifted from a post (directly or slightly altered). Pre-and-actual slash. Could end as a series. I read TFLN enough to crank out a zillion more of these, I assure you.
JTK: You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him.
MS: Did he let me back in?
JTK: No, Scotty. But he did give you five credits and a pat on the head.
MS: Aw, that was nice of him.
LHM: Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they need anal bleaching before. I think I might have to kill myself.
LHM: I thought this kind of shit was over after I finished my internship.
JTK: I thought you said no one had ever asked you that?
LHM: They didn't. A girl asked me if she should tattoo her areolas darker, though.
JTK: What did you say?
LHM: Yes. They blended in with the rest of her tits. And it was creepy because her actual nipples were almost red.
JTK: There is a full sized piano in the middle of the quad. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this, Bones.
LHM: I make no promises when there is tequila involved.
LHM: Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in a movie theater?
NU: Because, Leonard, you are friends with Kirk. And Kirk attracts people like that.
LHM: Have I mentioned that I hate it when you're right, Nyota?
NU: Yes. Frequently. And always in relation to Kirk.
JTK: He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, and I'll use a fine, fine bourbon as bait.
HS: Seriously, Jim?
JTK: You have never seen Bones naked, Hiraku. I have, and I WILL have him!
JTK: Am I texting you while being used as a stripper-pole by two half-naked women? Hint: I am.
LHM: Jesus Christ Jim! I'm trying to fuckin sleep, man!
JTK: Booones, you should come over! This party is TOTALLY worth the loss of sleep.
LHM: So I can watch chicks grind on you? No thanks.
JTK: There's way more than that! FREE BOOZE. LOTS AND LOTS OF FREE BOOZE.
LHM: I went through that stage like eight years ago. Free booze holds little appeal. Now leave me the fuck alone, or I will find creative and painful ways to kill you in your sleep.
JTK: :( You make me sad.
LHM: GOOD.
JTK: :( :( :( :(
JTK: I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
GO: Can't you lock the door? And don't you want McCoy anyway?
JTK: He'd just hack it and yeeeah. But not when he takes a dump in the toilet when I'm in the tub! That has to be one of the worst smelling shits I have ever, ever been exposed to, Gaila. You don't do that to a man when he's bathing! You just don't!
GO: Aww, that's a sign of twu wuv, Jim! When a man feels comfortable enough to poop in front of you, you know he really loves you.
JTK: THERE HAS BEEN NO DECLARATION OF LOVE. HE JUST SHAT AND LEFT.
GO: Well, I guess that means he'll mean it when/if he does declare his endless, undying love for you.
JTK: I hate you.
NU: There were close to a dozen Cardassian Sunrises each involved. And I don't want to talk about it.
LHM: You didn't get any in Gaila, did you? Because I don't even want to know what that would do to her. And how big was the can?
NU: No, none got in her, thank god. Just the can, which was pretty slim. Gaila seems ok and she thinks it's funny.
LHM: She would. And BOW-CHIKA-WOW-WOW. How kinky!
LHM: Can I watch next time?
NU: Kirk! Stop stealing Leonard's comm!
NU: And I just want to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bug spray.
JTK: Gaila, seriously. You can tell me.
GO: It's so awkward though!
JTK: I've yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
GO: I still don't understand how that happened. Humans confuse me sometimes. Particularly you.
JTK: Gary almost stepped on my nuts. Which is why we no longer have sex at parties.
GO: :( I miss that. Well, the situation with Nyota, ever since the bug spray incident, has gotten kind of weird.
JTK: She _did_ drunkenly shove a can of poisonous liquid into your vagina. The natural human reaction to this is awkwardness. What’s she doing?
GO: Avoiding me. And spending lots of time with her favorite instructor.
JTK: Ooh? Tell me more.
JTK: You said eat breakfast. So I poured Bailey's on top of m&ms. It tastes just like cereal, I swear.
LHM: You're still drunk, aren't you?
JTK: Yep.
JTK: And no judging me. Don't pretend you haven't been here before.
JTK: Hey. Can you be so hungover that you get a rash?
LHM: ...what?
JTK: I was out drinking last night annnd I woke up really hung over (like, the light from my comm is blinding me), and I have a mysterious new rash.
LHM: New? There's a "new rash" to be had?
JTK: If I say yes, will you fix me still?
LHM: Jesus Christ, Jim. Where are you?
JTK: I have no idea.
JTK: Oakland?
LHM: You realize that's a long BART ride away from campus, don't you? And you are so lucky I like you.
JTK: I know. I appreciate it and it amazes me every time that you're still willing to help me.
LHM: It's all right, kid. Figure out where the hell you are, and I'll be there soon. But you owe me beer, got that? Lots and lots of beer.
JTK: I am trapped in a bar with French tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, you know what happened.
LHM: I don't even know how you get yourself into these things.
JTK: I'm a shit magnet. I accepted this long ago. If I don't get in touch with you by 1800 tomorrow, come find me.
LHM: You better not end up in Fresno again. I'm not coming after you if you do.
JTK: Aww, come on, Fresno's not that bad.
LHM: I beg to differ. Hillbillies don't let go of grudges, everyone knows everyone there apparently, and I bet half the town would come after your ass for fucking that guy's girlfriend on the pool table.
JTK: Point. I'll try not to end up there this time.
HS: It's like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and Taco Bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
PAC: I am sorry. :( Serbian girls like me! I cannot help it! And Taco Bell is wonderful. I am convinced the founder must have been Russian.
HS: He was an American from Irvine!
PAC: They were Russians who left the motherland.
HS: Yeah, I know, but he wasn't. The guy's last name probably WAS Bell, which is the most anglo last name ever.
PAC: He was still probably part Russian.
JTK: Did we decide the “sorry about the threesome” cake was too flippant?
GO: Leonard says it is. I'm not so sure.
JTK: The cake's not for him, though.
LHM: Why am I friends with Jim?
NU: I wonder that a lot. What did he do now?
LHM: He told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline.
LHM: Though he's really, really drunk.
NU: ...why is there a trampoline?
LHM: I went with him to a house party in Berkeley so he didn't get himself killed. And there's a trampoline. I think the house belongs to a bunch of UCB frat boys.
NU: That would explain it.
JTK: There's a wall by my room which is a prime fucking wall. Before I move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddammit.
JTK: Can I convince you to oblige me, Bones? :D
LHM: Sure.
JTK: Really? Are you serious?
LHM: Yep.
JTK: When?
LHM: Whenever I feel like it.
JTK: That sounds like a 'no', Bones.
LHM: It isn't. Sometime between now and you moving out, I will fuck you against that wall.
JTK: We'll have to cover or hack the cameras, but dear GOD yes!
LHM: No...we'll leave the cameras. It'll just be late at night.
JTK: I have no objections whatsoever.
LHM:: Didn’t think you would, horndog.
JTK: I’m choosing to take that as a compliment.