(no subject)
Ok I love this. Being able to say whatever I want. So the 15 laxatives worked. So far, not nearly as harsh as Correctol. Which is what I read about Dulcolax. It's cool. I just really dont want it to end up being TOO easy, because thatll jst enable me. Like I erally do want to get off laxatives. ANd I guess I dont want to be angry really either. I dunno. Like i siad my moods change. But whatever. I dotn want to be completely happy either, thats just gross. Being happy is GROSSER than my shitting fire. Maybe I dunno what I want. Maybe I just want a balance. Of anger and happiness, and sadness. A full on, all around, wheel of everything. And maybe I just want Nickie. ANd maybe I just want Jamie. And maybe I want both of them together. I want my stomach better. I want to forget about that. I dont want to be always angry. I dont to cut again, but I do miss it, naturally, it being an addiction I quit only a few months ago. I know I'm not ready to leave anorexia... ugh, which I hate saying even to myself. I know this though. And I lie to everyone saying I want to recover so bad. I dont yet. I want my stomach better and flat. I want off laxatives. But I'm not ready to leave anorexia. It's just another addiction. One that makes me feel safe. One that makes me feel ok. One that makes me feel... I dont know. I just know that it's a big fat lie to say when my stomach is better, so will my eating disorder. Although I know I'm gonna have to keep it a secret from Jamie. You will still NEVER catch me saying "Ana is life". Ana is bullshit. But I need her for some sick twisted reason...