writers_muses | 105.3. Separate Lives lyrics
Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now were living (living)
Separate lives
- 'Separate Lives' by Phil Collins
Co-written with aussielawyer
On some level, Ali was facing her own ten steps while Andrew battled his with the alcohol. Things she hadn't been able to face before now were suddenly coming to the forefront. Things she needed to begin to make some peace with. The first choice had been to return to work. Not for any particular reason but that she wanted to try and start to mould her life back into something happy and normal again. A visit with her boss had her negotiating a return for two days a week, and Andrew would have Jamie for one of those days, and his Mum would have her for the other. Mrs Connor had continued to offer her Nana services from the moment she saw how important Ali was in Andrew's life. In her eyes, also, Jamie was just as much her granddaughter as she would be if she was biologically Andrew's. It gave Ali some warm comfort to know Jamie would give Andrew's Mum company and enjoyment as much as the babysitting would help Ali out. The loss of their baby had hurt her as much as everyone else.
Ali's next decision had been to return to her psychologist. She had gotten benefit out of it when she had post-natal depression, but the grief of losing her second baby had pushed a lot of painful feelings to the forefront. Where Ali was going to go with Andrew to his AA meetings, he was going to go with Ali to her psychology sessions. His and Hers therapy. At least things were healing enough for them to be able to laugh about that. At the crux of it all, though, they knew they were fighting these battles together. Setting a firm date for the wedding had been another step, and a much more happy one. Ali really couldn't wait to marry Andrew, and to be his wife. Somewhere along the rough and hard road, her wants had changed. Growing up and growing stronger weren't as scary as she thought when you had someone there to hold you through the dark patches.
But now she was about to face one step she had been terrified about. It had been thrust upon her a couple of weeks ago when she desperately needed help, but nothing was resolved at the time. If anything, it just opened up more questions than she knew how to answer. She sat down awkwardly on the sofa in Mark's office when he offered it to her and smoothed her hand over her denim-clad thigh, a gesture of nerves more than anything. She had gone with a pair of dark jeans and a loose white Dior blouse, her hair hanging in loose curls around her shoulders. It was a far cry from the cow pyjamas that had afforded her a protective shield over the last few weeks. But at the same time, her body was still healing from the miscarriage and her stomach still a little swollen in the wake of the pregnancy, though nothing what it had been with the baby bump. Her body wasn't something she wanted to draw attention to much these days, and that might not ever go back to how it used to be. "Thanks for this... short notice, and all," she told him as he took the seat beside her. She had declined the offer of a drink, though she might well change her mind, depending on how the conversation went.
"It's okay," Mark assured her, watching her hesitantly. He had known they would need to speak at some point, but he didn't know if this was it or a whole other kettle of fish. Either way, his stomach was roiling nervously inside. She looked beautiful, despite the evident tiredness and pallor in her face. A little piece on him inside would always love her, even if it couldn't ever be like it used to be. She was special to him, and always would be. She was the mother of his baby, and that said a lot. "Is everything okay? How are you holding up?"
Ali gave a little shrug, curling her fingers together in front of her. "A little better than I was. I couldn't just fold this time. I'm a Mummy now, I'm relied on almost twenty-four-seven for... Mummy shit." She glanced at him and cleared her throat, biting down on her lower lip. "I-I want to try and make amends with you in some way. This all is just as much your home as it is mine, and I know things between us have sucked for years, but it would just be easier on everyone if we could... find a mutual page to be on together. Which I know raises a lot of questions and uncertainty, that's why I'm here. James told me he left Jamie with you for a little while the other day, and I'm really sorry you had to meet her like that. It should've been sooner, and that's my fault."
"Meet her so you can just take her away from me again?" Mark heard the words falling out of his mouth before he could stop them, and they came accompanied with a hot prickle all over his skin. He gave a slight shrug and shook his head. "What's the point?"
Ali visibly winced at the words, but she looked at him, her eyes flashing protectively. "You took yourself away from her, Mark. Let's get that straight right up, okay? Both of us are in the wrong here and no matter what the fuck happens between you and me, she comes first. She will always come first. It needs to be what's best for her, she deserves the fucking world, okay? She's my baby girl, and I would die for her. I would kill for her," she elaborated seriously.
"I can't be in her life and not be her father, Ali," Mark told her quietly after he absorbed her deserved words. "How do you think it feels for me to know some other guy I don't even know is going to be raising my flesh and blood, while I just sit aside and pretend it doesn't affect me? Well, it does affect me, Ali. To know I only had a small window to prove myself and I fucked up, no second chances. But I was trying to deal with my brother being murdered. I can't make apologies for not thinking straight in that time frame. You didn't want me in your life, you made that perfectly clear for years. I was trying to give you what you wanted because I had no energy left to fight you. I still don't. Which is why I'm not going to pursue this with you in any way. You want to raise the baby with him, because I can see just from looking at her and hearing what is coming out of her mouth as her only words, that there is nothing to fault with him. A big part of me wanted to take that alcoholism information and use it to get access to my daughter, but I'm not the fucking arsehole I used to be. Believe it or not, I would die for her too. And I am, Ali. Inside. But she's safe and happy. I can't fault you or him in any way, I wouldn't even begin to know how to be a father. I can't even keep my little brother safe. So, just tell me what you want, and you've got it. Sign over the parental rights? I've got the forms right over there already signed. I can even recommend a good attorney who can help you with him adopting her." There were tears in his eyes when he finally finished speaking, but he made no attempt to look away or hide them from her. It didn't matter anymore whether she saw them or not.
Ali looked at him sadly, biting her lip again as tears spilled over her cheeks too. She couldn't help it when she reached over and took his hand, holding it between her own. She couldn't say anything at first as everything choked up in her throat, but she swallowed the lump away, tasting the tears on her lips. "You could still be involved in her life," she said tearfully. "You can still spend time with her, just be... something to her. I don't want to take her away from you. Hurting you was never my intention. I just never wanted her to be exposed to the pain I felt, and he protected her. He's seen her through every sniffly nose, fever, sore tummy, pain and upset she's had. He sat up with her for nights on end when she had colic so I could sleep. He was the first one who told me I was a wonderful Mummy and that all I needed to do was listen to her and hold her. Do you know how much I needed to hear that after she was born, Mark? Do you know how much, every single day of her life, I have replayed his words over in my head to remind myself that I could do this? I need him. I love him. He makes me happy, which is something I haven't been since you broke up with me. But you can still mean something to her. You'll have your chance to find someone who can give you everything Andrew has given me. You were the love of my life once, Mark. You're always going to be important to me."
Mark squeezed her hand and kissed her fingers briefly in an attempt to comfort her. "I know," he whispered. "Everything you just said, I know. Which is why I'm not fighting you, Ali. You deserve it all, and if I can't give any of it to your or Jamie, I'm not stopping someone who can. Take the forms, get married, be a family, Ali. I'll be fine, it just might take some time."
"You don't want anything to do with her?" Ali almost pleaded, reaching up to brush some of the wetness from her cheeks.
Mark gave her a faint, regretful smile. "Of course I do. But I want the whole package. I can't just take the wrapping and pretend I'm happy with it. Things are looking up a little. I'm sort of seeing someone, which has been nice. I don't know if it's going anywhere, but the company has been good. Maybe down the track when Jamie is old enough to know what she wants and make her choices, she and I can get to know each other. But right now, she doesn't need to be confused. You're right, Andrew's her Dad, and he's wonderful. She's a wonderful little girl, Ali. Beautiful, like her Mummy," he added with a smile. "I just want one thing. I want to still give you money for her. Not as a payout for knocking you up or anything crude like that. I know you don't need the money. But just, it's something I need to do. She can have it when she's old enough to understand, maybe help her with college or... she might want to buy an elephant in Africa or something. Just something she can get for herself when she wants it. Something to... make her happy."
Ali pressed her fingers against her lips as she listened to him speaking, and then she gestured him forward with her hand. "Come here," she whispered and then pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back. "Thank you. I meant what I said, Mark. You're always going to be important to me. You had one of the biggest impacts on my life, and I do love. I love you for giving me Sunshine. You gave me the best thing in my life, and I'm always going to love you for that." She tried not to think too much on the comment about him seeing someone. It was the first she heard of it, and even James hadn't said anything. But she just knew, as she held him there, clinging even just momentarily onto the past, she was happy for him and any ill-will she harboured... it was time to let it slip away.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,044
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now were living (living)
Separate lives
- 'Separate Lives' by Phil Collins
Co-written with aussielawyer
On some level, Ali was facing her own ten steps while Andrew battled his with the alcohol. Things she hadn't been able to face before now were suddenly coming to the forefront. Things she needed to begin to make some peace with. The first choice had been to return to work. Not for any particular reason but that she wanted to try and start to mould her life back into something happy and normal again. A visit with her boss had her negotiating a return for two days a week, and Andrew would have Jamie for one of those days, and his Mum would have her for the other. Mrs Connor had continued to offer her Nana services from the moment she saw how important Ali was in Andrew's life. In her eyes, also, Jamie was just as much her granddaughter as she would be if she was biologically Andrew's. It gave Ali some warm comfort to know Jamie would give Andrew's Mum company and enjoyment as much as the babysitting would help Ali out. The loss of their baby had hurt her as much as everyone else.
Ali's next decision had been to return to her psychologist. She had gotten benefit out of it when she had post-natal depression, but the grief of losing her second baby had pushed a lot of painful feelings to the forefront. Where Ali was going to go with Andrew to his AA meetings, he was going to go with Ali to her psychology sessions. His and Hers therapy. At least things were healing enough for them to be able to laugh about that. At the crux of it all, though, they knew they were fighting these battles together. Setting a firm date for the wedding had been another step, and a much more happy one. Ali really couldn't wait to marry Andrew, and to be his wife. Somewhere along the rough and hard road, her wants had changed. Growing up and growing stronger weren't as scary as she thought when you had someone there to hold you through the dark patches.
But now she was about to face one step she had been terrified about. It had been thrust upon her a couple of weeks ago when she desperately needed help, but nothing was resolved at the time. If anything, it just opened up more questions than she knew how to answer. She sat down awkwardly on the sofa in Mark's office when he offered it to her and smoothed her hand over her denim-clad thigh, a gesture of nerves more than anything. She had gone with a pair of dark jeans and a loose white Dior blouse, her hair hanging in loose curls around her shoulders. It was a far cry from the cow pyjamas that had afforded her a protective shield over the last few weeks. But at the same time, her body was still healing from the miscarriage and her stomach still a little swollen in the wake of the pregnancy, though nothing what it had been with the baby bump. Her body wasn't something she wanted to draw attention to much these days, and that might not ever go back to how it used to be. "Thanks for this... short notice, and all," she told him as he took the seat beside her. She had declined the offer of a drink, though she might well change her mind, depending on how the conversation went.
"It's okay," Mark assured her, watching her hesitantly. He had known they would need to speak at some point, but he didn't know if this was it or a whole other kettle of fish. Either way, his stomach was roiling nervously inside. She looked beautiful, despite the evident tiredness and pallor in her face. A little piece on him inside would always love her, even if it couldn't ever be like it used to be. She was special to him, and always would be. She was the mother of his baby, and that said a lot. "Is everything okay? How are you holding up?"
Ali gave a little shrug, curling her fingers together in front of her. "A little better than I was. I couldn't just fold this time. I'm a Mummy now, I'm relied on almost twenty-four-seven for... Mummy shit." She glanced at him and cleared her throat, biting down on her lower lip. "I-I want to try and make amends with you in some way. This all is just as much your home as it is mine, and I know things between us have sucked for years, but it would just be easier on everyone if we could... find a mutual page to be on together. Which I know raises a lot of questions and uncertainty, that's why I'm here. James told me he left Jamie with you for a little while the other day, and I'm really sorry you had to meet her like that. It should've been sooner, and that's my fault."
"Meet her so you can just take her away from me again?" Mark heard the words falling out of his mouth before he could stop them, and they came accompanied with a hot prickle all over his skin. He gave a slight shrug and shook his head. "What's the point?"
Ali visibly winced at the words, but she looked at him, her eyes flashing protectively. "You took yourself away from her, Mark. Let's get that straight right up, okay? Both of us are in the wrong here and no matter what the fuck happens between you and me, she comes first. She will always come first. It needs to be what's best for her, she deserves the fucking world, okay? She's my baby girl, and I would die for her. I would kill for her," she elaborated seriously.
"I can't be in her life and not be her father, Ali," Mark told her quietly after he absorbed her deserved words. "How do you think it feels for me to know some other guy I don't even know is going to be raising my flesh and blood, while I just sit aside and pretend it doesn't affect me? Well, it does affect me, Ali. To know I only had a small window to prove myself and I fucked up, no second chances. But I was trying to deal with my brother being murdered. I can't make apologies for not thinking straight in that time frame. You didn't want me in your life, you made that perfectly clear for years. I was trying to give you what you wanted because I had no energy left to fight you. I still don't. Which is why I'm not going to pursue this with you in any way. You want to raise the baby with him, because I can see just from looking at her and hearing what is coming out of her mouth as her only words, that there is nothing to fault with him. A big part of me wanted to take that alcoholism information and use it to get access to my daughter, but I'm not the fucking arsehole I used to be. Believe it or not, I would die for her too. And I am, Ali. Inside. But she's safe and happy. I can't fault you or him in any way, I wouldn't even begin to know how to be a father. I can't even keep my little brother safe. So, just tell me what you want, and you've got it. Sign over the parental rights? I've got the forms right over there already signed. I can even recommend a good attorney who can help you with him adopting her." There were tears in his eyes when he finally finished speaking, but he made no attempt to look away or hide them from her. It didn't matter anymore whether she saw them or not.
Ali looked at him sadly, biting her lip again as tears spilled over her cheeks too. She couldn't help it when she reached over and took his hand, holding it between her own. She couldn't say anything at first as everything choked up in her throat, but she swallowed the lump away, tasting the tears on her lips. "You could still be involved in her life," she said tearfully. "You can still spend time with her, just be... something to her. I don't want to take her away from you. Hurting you was never my intention. I just never wanted her to be exposed to the pain I felt, and he protected her. He's seen her through every sniffly nose, fever, sore tummy, pain and upset she's had. He sat up with her for nights on end when she had colic so I could sleep. He was the first one who told me I was a wonderful Mummy and that all I needed to do was listen to her and hold her. Do you know how much I needed to hear that after she was born, Mark? Do you know how much, every single day of her life, I have replayed his words over in my head to remind myself that I could do this? I need him. I love him. He makes me happy, which is something I haven't been since you broke up with me. But you can still mean something to her. You'll have your chance to find someone who can give you everything Andrew has given me. You were the love of my life once, Mark. You're always going to be important to me."
Mark squeezed her hand and kissed her fingers briefly in an attempt to comfort her. "I know," he whispered. "Everything you just said, I know. Which is why I'm not fighting you, Ali. You deserve it all, and if I can't give any of it to your or Jamie, I'm not stopping someone who can. Take the forms, get married, be a family, Ali. I'll be fine, it just might take some time."
"You don't want anything to do with her?" Ali almost pleaded, reaching up to brush some of the wetness from her cheeks.
Mark gave her a faint, regretful smile. "Of course I do. But I want the whole package. I can't just take the wrapping and pretend I'm happy with it. Things are looking up a little. I'm sort of seeing someone, which has been nice. I don't know if it's going anywhere, but the company has been good. Maybe down the track when Jamie is old enough to know what she wants and make her choices, she and I can get to know each other. But right now, she doesn't need to be confused. You're right, Andrew's her Dad, and he's wonderful. She's a wonderful little girl, Ali. Beautiful, like her Mummy," he added with a smile. "I just want one thing. I want to still give you money for her. Not as a payout for knocking you up or anything crude like that. I know you don't need the money. But just, it's something I need to do. She can have it when she's old enough to understand, maybe help her with college or... she might want to buy an elephant in Africa or something. Just something she can get for herself when she wants it. Something to... make her happy."
Ali pressed her fingers against her lips as she listened to him speaking, and then she gestured him forward with her hand. "Come here," she whispered and then pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back. "Thank you. I meant what I said, Mark. You're always going to be important to me. You had one of the biggest impacts on my life, and I do love. I love you for giving me Sunshine. You gave me the best thing in my life, and I'm always going to love you for that." She tried not to think too much on the comment about him seeing someone. It was the first she heard of it, and even James hadn't said anything. But she just knew, as she held him there, clinging even just momentarily onto the past, she was happy for him and any ill-will she harboured... it was time to let it slip away.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,044