on_thecouch | 60.5. Joss Whedon quote
60.5. "Loneliness is just about the scariest thing out there" - Joss Whedon (from Week 23)
Co-written with paramedically
[Follows THIS]
Ali didn't wake up quickly. Andrew watched her as she roused gradually, almost as if she was fighting off regaining consciousness. He rubbed her hand softly, trying to give her something to focus on so she wasn't spooked waking abruptly. He remembered how crap he had felt waking after his appendectomy, so he just wanted to prevent as much of that for Ali as he possibly could. He was about ready to cry again when he saw her open her eyes and focus groggily on him. "Hey, beautiful," he said quietly, reaching up to brush her hair off her face and tuck it behind her ear. But he choked up and had to resist the urge to grip her hand tighter.
Ali watched him, her head feeling like she had more than a few too many to drink. It was sore and hazy. She realised she was in hospital though, and she had recollection of why she was here, even if it all felt like a distant nightmare in her mind. Andrew was pale, and his hand was shaking as he swept her hair out of her eyes. "Andrew..." was all she could manage, the word almost pleading.
Tears dripped down Andrew's cheeks as he shook his head and kissed her fingers. "The baby... it died, sweetheart. They said it looks like it died a couple of days ago, but..." The words failed him and he pushed out of his chair to wrap his arms around her and kiss her head, anything to try and comfort her.
Ali didn't have a hope in hell of processing the news rationally. She froze in the embrace and remained that way for some long, lingering moments. Maybe there should have been a feeling like she was kicked in the stomach, or maybe she should have wanted to cry or yell, or maybe she was supposed to demand a second opinion. But she just felt... nothing. She pushed Andrew away and pulled out of the embrace to brush her hand over the stiff blanket and smooth it over her stomach. "Well, good," was her answer when she finally found her voice. It was hoarse, stony, not sounding anything like her at all. She even wondered if it was her speaking, because it felt like she was sitting back watching the scene from a distance. "It was a stupid mistake anyway. We should have gotten rid of it. Saves me anymore shit."
Andrew felt like his blood ran cold and he nearly lost his footing when she shoved him away. He had spent the last ten hours trying to anticipate how she would react to the news. This didn't even touch anything of what had passed through his mind. "A-Are you-" he stammered in shock, "...y-you didn't want the baby?" None of this made sense, and he was finding it hard to make out any of it all through the churning nausea that was suddenly in his gut. A prickle of dread crept over his skin and he couldn't do much more than just stare at her. Was she lying? Did she mean it? Was it just shock talking? Grief? But whatever it was, it didn't come as less of an agonising blow to hear.
"Of course I didn't," Ali responded immediately, looking down at her hands as she continued to try and distractedly rearrange the covers around her middle, even though they appeared neat and smooth. There shouldn't be any bump there. She wasn't pregnant. "I'm glad it's over. Can you ask them when I can go home, please? I don't want to be here. And I want my engagement ring back. I didn't tell anyone they could take it."
Andrew didn't think alone was the first emotion he was supposed to feel, but it engulfed him heavily. He had expected that Ali would understand the pain when she woke up and they would curl up and grieve together until it stopped hurting, but he couldn't absorb this. He couldn't. He stepped forward and slipped her engagement ring off his pinkie finger where it had been since the surgical nurse had given it to him when they were prepping Ali for the procedure. It didn't even fit over his knuckle, but he kept it for her, keeping it safe. He took her hand gently and slid the ring back onto her finger. When she took her hand back abruptly once it was there, it felt like a slap in the face. "I'll just go..." he was stepping away from her, pointing behind him, "... speak to someone..."
Ali just watched him and then nodded. "Thanks, love."
It was just too much. Too much bottled up over the night, and Andrew couldn't deal with it. He exited her room and ran to the nearest men's room. He didn't even make the cubicle, only the sink, before he gave into it all and started vomiting. The tears were still coming, and for a long few minutes, he just let his body react how it needed to. He was a mess by the time the sickness eased off, but it seemed to ease the suffocating pressure inside him a little. All he had wanted to do was talk to Ali and tell her how much losing the baby hurt so they could process it together. But he couldn't do that now. She was either telling the truth, or in sheer denial. He couldn't even begin to know which option was the worst, or what he was supposed to do about either of them.
And the most terrible part was, he didn't know if he had the strength in his own grief to help her because he had lost a baby too, and the only thing he could feel was pain.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 963
Co-written with paramedically
[Follows THIS]
Ali didn't wake up quickly. Andrew watched her as she roused gradually, almost as if she was fighting off regaining consciousness. He rubbed her hand softly, trying to give her something to focus on so she wasn't spooked waking abruptly. He remembered how crap he had felt waking after his appendectomy, so he just wanted to prevent as much of that for Ali as he possibly could. He was about ready to cry again when he saw her open her eyes and focus groggily on him. "Hey, beautiful," he said quietly, reaching up to brush her hair off her face and tuck it behind her ear. But he choked up and had to resist the urge to grip her hand tighter.
Ali watched him, her head feeling like she had more than a few too many to drink. It was sore and hazy. She realised she was in hospital though, and she had recollection of why she was here, even if it all felt like a distant nightmare in her mind. Andrew was pale, and his hand was shaking as he swept her hair out of her eyes. "Andrew..." was all she could manage, the word almost pleading.
Tears dripped down Andrew's cheeks as he shook his head and kissed her fingers. "The baby... it died, sweetheart. They said it looks like it died a couple of days ago, but..." The words failed him and he pushed out of his chair to wrap his arms around her and kiss her head, anything to try and comfort her.
Ali didn't have a hope in hell of processing the news rationally. She froze in the embrace and remained that way for some long, lingering moments. Maybe there should have been a feeling like she was kicked in the stomach, or maybe she should have wanted to cry or yell, or maybe she was supposed to demand a second opinion. But she just felt... nothing. She pushed Andrew away and pulled out of the embrace to brush her hand over the stiff blanket and smooth it over her stomach. "Well, good," was her answer when she finally found her voice. It was hoarse, stony, not sounding anything like her at all. She even wondered if it was her speaking, because it felt like she was sitting back watching the scene from a distance. "It was a stupid mistake anyway. We should have gotten rid of it. Saves me anymore shit."
Andrew felt like his blood ran cold and he nearly lost his footing when she shoved him away. He had spent the last ten hours trying to anticipate how she would react to the news. This didn't even touch anything of what had passed through his mind. "A-Are you-" he stammered in shock, "...y-you didn't want the baby?" None of this made sense, and he was finding it hard to make out any of it all through the churning nausea that was suddenly in his gut. A prickle of dread crept over his skin and he couldn't do much more than just stare at her. Was she lying? Did she mean it? Was it just shock talking? Grief? But whatever it was, it didn't come as less of an agonising blow to hear.
"Of course I didn't," Ali responded immediately, looking down at her hands as she continued to try and distractedly rearrange the covers around her middle, even though they appeared neat and smooth. There shouldn't be any bump there. She wasn't pregnant. "I'm glad it's over. Can you ask them when I can go home, please? I don't want to be here. And I want my engagement ring back. I didn't tell anyone they could take it."
Andrew didn't think alone was the first emotion he was supposed to feel, but it engulfed him heavily. He had expected that Ali would understand the pain when she woke up and they would curl up and grieve together until it stopped hurting, but he couldn't absorb this. He couldn't. He stepped forward and slipped her engagement ring off his pinkie finger where it had been since the surgical nurse had given it to him when they were prepping Ali for the procedure. It didn't even fit over his knuckle, but he kept it for her, keeping it safe. He took her hand gently and slid the ring back onto her finger. When she took her hand back abruptly once it was there, it felt like a slap in the face. "I'll just go..." he was stepping away from her, pointing behind him, "... speak to someone..."
Ali just watched him and then nodded. "Thanks, love."
It was just too much. Too much bottled up over the night, and Andrew couldn't deal with it. He exited her room and ran to the nearest men's room. He didn't even make the cubicle, only the sink, before he gave into it all and started vomiting. The tears were still coming, and for a long few minutes, he just let his body react how it needed to. He was a mess by the time the sickness eased off, but it seemed to ease the suffocating pressure inside him a little. All he had wanted to do was talk to Ali and tell her how much losing the baby hurt so they could process it together. But he couldn't do that now. She was either telling the truth, or in sheer denial. He couldn't even begin to know which option was the worst, or what he was supposed to do about either of them.
And the most terrible part was, he didn't know if he had the strength in his own grief to help her because he had lost a baby too, and the only thing he could feel was pain.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 963