I think it's just because I see you, and then I look at me and see how easy it was to lose it all. And I'm probably disgustingly jealous, but you'll have to get me drunk to admit it.
I don't think you've lost anything. You've gained quite a lot. Andrew, Jamie... you're life's changed. Nothing got lost. James is back. I don't think I can get you drunk just yet. Another few months to go.
I know, and there... there is the intimidating. I thought I had I had it all. Perfect life, perfect wardobe, perfect shoe size, perfect smoking habit, perfect credit card limit, perfect car, perfect apartment...
Now I just know I was feeding my loneliness with shiney. I'm intimidated because I don't miss it and I like getting around with my breast-feeding boobs flopping around in a hoodie and track pants covered in Johnson's baby powder.
I'm still confused, but if it makes you feel better, I'm growing to love being in James' rugby top and sweatpants when I don't have anywhere else to be.
I don't think I have the perfect apartment, not anymore. My feet can't stand being in heels right now... Ali, do you have any idea just how much it works in the reverse? I'm intimidated because you're like me, but you've managed to embrace motherhood and make it suit you. I'm still scared I'll wind up rejecting my offspring.
You can't. You just can't. Reject them, I mean. You're leaps and bounds ahead of me. I hated being pregnant and despised what was inside me. It was just an object that was making my Prada pants not fit. But when you touch them, it's... I can only liken it to finding your favourite pair of Manolos EVER, like you secretly wished for the perfect pair of shoes deep down and then someone is putting them in your arms for keeps. Only times that by a million.
Did the whole despising it also come from how she was conceived? I'm sorry you felt that way. I don't even know why I don't hate being pregnant like I thought I would. It's fucked up... I shouldn't be happy, but I am. I shouldn't be trying to settle, but I want to.
And I really want that feeling... I want James to have it, too.
She was the product of some really hurtful times for me. I think that's why I despised her. It was like I let him get the better of me one last time and he ruined my life with it, because I wasn't maternal in any damn way. Hell, I called a kid a wanker once. He was, like three years old. I didn't want to lose my figure, and I didn't want to have anything to do with the baby mother thing. And then she was coming early and I was terrified and angry all at once. Not a good mix when you're in labour. It went on forever, but then she was this tiny slimy squirmy thing in a pink blanket, but she had little ears and little fingers and toes, and I realised I created that, even if it was with a bastard. I just knew I couldn't fuck her up like I'd done to myself.
Thank you. I just get scared. I'm getting better, though.
See, that's the thing. You probably won't have time to do that. They'll be here before you know it. You just take it and somehow, for some reason, you just figure it out, as daunting as it is. 'Course, you're having a Campbell too. I can't promise it will be conventional.
I have really good meds. But I had shit blinkers on. I couldn't see the forest through the trees. I just... I know you think you didn't have anything to do with it, but you did, so I want to thank you for helping bring Jimbo back to me.
But hey, that makes you sound innocent. I slept with my married ex without protection. And liked it. But you know what? Maybe some things are just meant to be. It's just a shame they create so many dirty diapers.
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Now I just know I was feeding my loneliness with shiney. I'm intimidated because I don't miss it and I like getting around with my breast-feeding boobs flopping around in a hoodie and track pants covered in Johnson's baby powder.
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I don't think I have the perfect apartment, not anymore. My feet can't stand being in heels right now... Ali, do you have any idea just how much it works in the reverse? I'm intimidated because you're like me, but you've managed to embrace motherhood and make it suit you. I'm still scared I'll wind up rejecting my offspring.
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And I really want that feeling... I want James to have it, too.
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If you're already feeling it, you're home free.
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We'll see. Still have to work out everything else in my life.
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See, that's the thing. You probably won't have time to do that. They'll be here before you know it. You just take it and somehow, for some reason, you just figure it out, as daunting as it is. 'Course, you're having a Campbell too. I can't promise it will be conventional.
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Yes, well, I hardly think any of this has been conventional. Not to mention I got pregnant because of a damn flu.
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But hey, that makes you sound innocent. I slept with my married ex without protection. And liked it. But you know what? Maybe some things are just meant to be. It's just a shame they create so many dirty diapers.
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And drool. And cry... and I heard the boys can pee on anyone and anything.
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And snot and vomit and bleed. Oh, they do. Andrew was telling me that the lil lad from the Princeton chapted got his cousin a good one.
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