just_muse_me | 19.5.3. Hug someone
19.5.3. Hug someone
Co-written with straight2point
[Follows THIS and THIS]
Nearly two days hanging out in the halls of the ICU, and Ali was starting to look a little worse for wear. She didn't particularly care, though. In the old, pre-Sunshine days, she would always be immaculately presented if she stepped out in public. Hair, make up, expensive clothes, expensive shoes and matching accessories. These days, it was an accomplishment if her undies were on the right way round and there wasn't baby puke or talcum powder on her clothes. She hadn't wanted to go home just yet, so Andrew had taken Jamie home so the baby didn't have to be subjected to the vigil. Ali was grateful. In fact, there was no way she could ever repay Andrew for everything he had done.
Ali slowly slid the glass sliding door of James' room open and stepped inside. She had a pair of grey track pants on and her purple hoodie, which was zipped up at the front over a white tank top. Her hair was at least brushed and hanging in loose curls around her shoulders. She sat down stiffly beside Harri, days of nursing a sick, spotty infant and then long hours sitting in the hospital corridor had taken it's toll on her back. Her hands got stuffed into the pockets of her hoodie as she leaned forward a little and watched James' unconscious form for a few moments before letting out a slow breath, her posture deflating with it. "You probably keep wanting to touch him to make sure he's alive, because I know he really doesn't look it. Pallor is not really becoming of him," she finally spoke, her tired brown eyes shifting to Harri.
Harri nodded as she turned to look at Ali. She'd taken Aiden's advice and gone home to sleep and change, so she wasn't looking quite as much like a shaggy blonde panda. She was dressed in James' jersey just like she'd wanted with a pair of black tights underneath to be comfortable. She hadn't meant for Ali to stay outside in the corridor, trying to ask her inside every time she went out to pee, or get a drink, but the words never quite made it out of her mouth, and she just looked at Ali sadly. She cleared her throat softly, and wet her lips. "How long have his other comas taken?"
Ali hugged herself reflexively. "This is the third I've known him to be in since I met him in college. The most recent one was, like, a week. The one before that, nearly a month. And the first, well, it was about six or so weeks. That was after... after his partner died," she explained. "He probably didn't feel like he had much to wake up for that time. It was scary. They always are."
"Is there ever any damage?" Harri asked quietly. She held James' hand in hers, and squeezed it. "I hope he feels like there are things to wake up for this time... Is it going to work? Is all this worth it?"
Ali shook her head. "No real damage, but he's very weak when he comes out of them. It take a few weeks to get back on his feet and he has this cute confused thing going on like his brain is waking up slower than his body, which is really what is happening. It's just... there is always a chance he won't wake up, and I don't mean to scare you. It's better you know anyway, no matter how hard it is to swallow." She drew her lips between her teeth for a few moments. "Sorry if I'm coming off all over the place here. I'm just really, really angry at him. I'm projecting again. I'll get over it. I, um..." She drew a small fluffy teddy bear from the pocket of the hoodie. He was dressed in a black suit with a small pistol and sunglasses. "I-I thought maybe you should have this..." she said quietly, her voice wavering as her thumb brushed against the soft fur.
Harri's eyes went wide at the bear, all the questions about James not making it dying on her lips. "Ali... this is... is it James?" she asked as she looked up. "And you don't have to apologise. I haven't been any better, and I'm sorry if you thought you had to spend the whole time out in the corridor. You really didn't, I promise. I kept wanting to ask you to sit with me, but the words never really came out. I feel like a bitch."
"It's okay," Ali assured her with a hint of a smile. "I really get it. I can't even understand my mind right now, I don't expect anyone else to. When you take laxatives instead of Tylenol, you start to realise you're brain is fucked. All this is... I get why he did it. I just hate him for it. I was still raw over him coming back. Still raw over his death. You can only slice open a wound so many times before it starts to get septic, you know?" She looked at the teddy, tears forming in her eyes as she nodded. "I gave that to him when he made it into the FBI years ago. We called him Jimbo... that's what I call James. Pretty much always have. When he- when I-" She started stumbling over the words and had to stop for a moment, sucking in a breath and letting it out again slowly to brace herself.
She squeezed the bear's arm. "When news came that James had died and left me everything in his will, I... I had to go to his apartment, where I live now. It was all his. It was just all him, but I had to try and clear it up somehow. There was just too many memories. When I was packing up his stuff, I found Jimbo in the draw beside his bed. I lost count of the number of hours I lay sobbing with him hugged in my arms in those weeks that followed. He just kind of helped me through. Everything I did, clearing out the apartment, decorating Sunshine's room, packing his most-loved possessions up, going to his memorial service... Jimbo was with me. I just think... I think he might have a job with you now. You know those FBI Agents... never sticking to one job for very long," she laughed tearfully.
Tears were sliding down Harri's cheeks as well, and she wiped at them as she gave Ali a sad smile. Then she reached over and took the other woman's hand in hers and squeezed it gently. "I really am sorry for everything you've had to go through. I won't ever really understand, and I'm sorry if it never seems like I have anything to say. I'm not used to being there for anyone but Aiden. I'm not used to giving comfort to anyone but him. Not until Mar--James. I'm also not used to having very many female friends. I was never good at girltalk. Just the kind that comes with being a fag hag."
Ali laughed a little and nodded, sniffling to try and stop the tears but it was no use. "I can't say I'm much of an expert on it. Most think I talk too much like a fucking bloke for my own good," she joked and rolled her eyes a little when the tears wouldn't stop. She took a couple of silver keys on a ring from the bear's vest pocket and held them out to Harri also. "I think you might need these too. They're to a self-storage unit in Jersey. A-All Jim's things are there. I c-couldn't get rid of any of it," she finally admitted with a choked sob, though another small smile came through the next waterfall of tears.
Harri took the keys, curling her fingers around them as she held them tight in her hand. She turned her head away as huge lump in her throat threatened to break and she could feel the tears spilling over before she took a gasping breath. "Thank you," she choked out. Part of her wanted to go and raid the storage unit immediately so she could fill her apartment with his things, but then the other part of her was even wondering if he would actually want to live in her apartment anymore. It never really seemed to be 'James' enough, even if it was to Marc's taste. Harri started to laugh as she looked at Ali through her tears. "Do you think he's got that panicked feeling if he can hear us both crying? He always gets this face when Jamie starts to cry, like he doesn't know what to do with her."
"He doesn't," Ali had to laugh, despite herself. "He needs to realise she's a little person and not an iPod or a Wii controller. He's sprog-challenged, but I'll knock him out of it, don't worry. I don't think his mind has quite processed that I spawned his flesh and blood. He's probably in there laughing at us." She turned a little in her seat to flip a sleeping James off and then looked back to Harri. She didn't hesitate in putting her arms out and wrapping them around the other crying woman.
Harri hugged Ali back gratefully, feeling like the two of them had maybe broken some invisible barrier. She grinned at the image of James thinking of a baby as an iPod, or a Wii controller, but it certainly fit. He really did seem to think the child would have an off switch somewhere. "You've still got a few months yet. I haven't even got my bump yet. At least one of us should know what we're doing with a kid."
"Oh, now, let's not go that far," Ali laughed, shaking her head. "I've had to wing most of it and even then, she seemed to cry louder when I tried. But you do just get this instinct that guides you, and as much as you think otherwise, they really don't blame you when you fuck up. You should have some time with her when she's not screaming the place down. She's an amazing little girl. She's the light of my life and you're going to be her aunty. And the bump. Mark my words, you will wake up one morning, look at yourself in the mirror after a pee and realise it's there. It's like it suddenly appears out of nowhere, right along with indigestion and flatulence. Oh, and the want to poke random arseholes in the eye."
"I can't wait," Harri confided in a hushed tone. And the truth was, that she couldn't. She could still be Harriet Ryan, and pregnant. It was okay for her to be excited about the pregnancy. "Can't believe I'm suddenly a mother, and an aunty, and a scared partner... Seems so unreal." She pulled back to briefly stroke her hand over Ali's hair. "Thank you so much for this. For everything. Truth is I'm glad I have you around."
Ali touched the locket hanging around her neck and smiled. "It's the best thing ever," she admitted, smiling at Harri. "Hardest thing ever, but the best. When you see them for the first time and your brain lets you realise they came out of you, it's just... unbelievable. You'll be an amazing Mum. I know you will." She squeezed her hand. "You have nothing to thank me for. I promise, I'll always be here for you, and if I can't help, we can just be there for each other."
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 1,936
Co-written with straight2point
[Follows THIS and THIS]
Nearly two days hanging out in the halls of the ICU, and Ali was starting to look a little worse for wear. She didn't particularly care, though. In the old, pre-Sunshine days, she would always be immaculately presented if she stepped out in public. Hair, make up, expensive clothes, expensive shoes and matching accessories. These days, it was an accomplishment if her undies were on the right way round and there wasn't baby puke or talcum powder on her clothes. She hadn't wanted to go home just yet, so Andrew had taken Jamie home so the baby didn't have to be subjected to the vigil. Ali was grateful. In fact, there was no way she could ever repay Andrew for everything he had done.
Ali slowly slid the glass sliding door of James' room open and stepped inside. She had a pair of grey track pants on and her purple hoodie, which was zipped up at the front over a white tank top. Her hair was at least brushed and hanging in loose curls around her shoulders. She sat down stiffly beside Harri, days of nursing a sick, spotty infant and then long hours sitting in the hospital corridor had taken it's toll on her back. Her hands got stuffed into the pockets of her hoodie as she leaned forward a little and watched James' unconscious form for a few moments before letting out a slow breath, her posture deflating with it. "You probably keep wanting to touch him to make sure he's alive, because I know he really doesn't look it. Pallor is not really becoming of him," she finally spoke, her tired brown eyes shifting to Harri.
Harri nodded as she turned to look at Ali. She'd taken Aiden's advice and gone home to sleep and change, so she wasn't looking quite as much like a shaggy blonde panda. She was dressed in James' jersey just like she'd wanted with a pair of black tights underneath to be comfortable. She hadn't meant for Ali to stay outside in the corridor, trying to ask her inside every time she went out to pee, or get a drink, but the words never quite made it out of her mouth, and she just looked at Ali sadly. She cleared her throat softly, and wet her lips. "How long have his other comas taken?"
Ali hugged herself reflexively. "This is the third I've known him to be in since I met him in college. The most recent one was, like, a week. The one before that, nearly a month. And the first, well, it was about six or so weeks. That was after... after his partner died," she explained. "He probably didn't feel like he had much to wake up for that time. It was scary. They always are."
"Is there ever any damage?" Harri asked quietly. She held James' hand in hers, and squeezed it. "I hope he feels like there are things to wake up for this time... Is it going to work? Is all this worth it?"
Ali shook her head. "No real damage, but he's very weak when he comes out of them. It take a few weeks to get back on his feet and he has this cute confused thing going on like his brain is waking up slower than his body, which is really what is happening. It's just... there is always a chance he won't wake up, and I don't mean to scare you. It's better you know anyway, no matter how hard it is to swallow." She drew her lips between her teeth for a few moments. "Sorry if I'm coming off all over the place here. I'm just really, really angry at him. I'm projecting again. I'll get over it. I, um..." She drew a small fluffy teddy bear from the pocket of the hoodie. He was dressed in a black suit with a small pistol and sunglasses. "I-I thought maybe you should have this..." she said quietly, her voice wavering as her thumb brushed against the soft fur.
Harri's eyes went wide at the bear, all the questions about James not making it dying on her lips. "Ali... this is... is it James?" she asked as she looked up. "And you don't have to apologise. I haven't been any better, and I'm sorry if you thought you had to spend the whole time out in the corridor. You really didn't, I promise. I kept wanting to ask you to sit with me, but the words never really came out. I feel like a bitch."
"It's okay," Ali assured her with a hint of a smile. "I really get it. I can't even understand my mind right now, I don't expect anyone else to. When you take laxatives instead of Tylenol, you start to realise you're brain is fucked. All this is... I get why he did it. I just hate him for it. I was still raw over him coming back. Still raw over his death. You can only slice open a wound so many times before it starts to get septic, you know?" She looked at the teddy, tears forming in her eyes as she nodded. "I gave that to him when he made it into the FBI years ago. We called him Jimbo... that's what I call James. Pretty much always have. When he- when I-" She started stumbling over the words and had to stop for a moment, sucking in a breath and letting it out again slowly to brace herself.
She squeezed the bear's arm. "When news came that James had died and left me everything in his will, I... I had to go to his apartment, where I live now. It was all his. It was just all him, but I had to try and clear it up somehow. There was just too many memories. When I was packing up his stuff, I found Jimbo in the draw beside his bed. I lost count of the number of hours I lay sobbing with him hugged in my arms in those weeks that followed. He just kind of helped me through. Everything I did, clearing out the apartment, decorating Sunshine's room, packing his most-loved possessions up, going to his memorial service... Jimbo was with me. I just think... I think he might have a job with you now. You know those FBI Agents... never sticking to one job for very long," she laughed tearfully.
Tears were sliding down Harri's cheeks as well, and she wiped at them as she gave Ali a sad smile. Then she reached over and took the other woman's hand in hers and squeezed it gently. "I really am sorry for everything you've had to go through. I won't ever really understand, and I'm sorry if it never seems like I have anything to say. I'm not used to being there for anyone but Aiden. I'm not used to giving comfort to anyone but him. Not until Mar--James. I'm also not used to having very many female friends. I was never good at girltalk. Just the kind that comes with being a fag hag."
Ali laughed a little and nodded, sniffling to try and stop the tears but it was no use. "I can't say I'm much of an expert on it. Most think I talk too much like a fucking bloke for my own good," she joked and rolled her eyes a little when the tears wouldn't stop. She took a couple of silver keys on a ring from the bear's vest pocket and held them out to Harri also. "I think you might need these too. They're to a self-storage unit in Jersey. A-All Jim's things are there. I c-couldn't get rid of any of it," she finally admitted with a choked sob, though another small smile came through the next waterfall of tears.
Harri took the keys, curling her fingers around them as she held them tight in her hand. She turned her head away as huge lump in her throat threatened to break and she could feel the tears spilling over before she took a gasping breath. "Thank you," she choked out. Part of her wanted to go and raid the storage unit immediately so she could fill her apartment with his things, but then the other part of her was even wondering if he would actually want to live in her apartment anymore. It never really seemed to be 'James' enough, even if it was to Marc's taste. Harri started to laugh as she looked at Ali through her tears. "Do you think he's got that panicked feeling if he can hear us both crying? He always gets this face when Jamie starts to cry, like he doesn't know what to do with her."
"He doesn't," Ali had to laugh, despite herself. "He needs to realise she's a little person and not an iPod or a Wii controller. He's sprog-challenged, but I'll knock him out of it, don't worry. I don't think his mind has quite processed that I spawned his flesh and blood. He's probably in there laughing at us." She turned a little in her seat to flip a sleeping James off and then looked back to Harri. She didn't hesitate in putting her arms out and wrapping them around the other crying woman.
Harri hugged Ali back gratefully, feeling like the two of them had maybe broken some invisible barrier. She grinned at the image of James thinking of a baby as an iPod, or a Wii controller, but it certainly fit. He really did seem to think the child would have an off switch somewhere. "You've still got a few months yet. I haven't even got my bump yet. At least one of us should know what we're doing with a kid."
"Oh, now, let's not go that far," Ali laughed, shaking her head. "I've had to wing most of it and even then, she seemed to cry louder when I tried. But you do just get this instinct that guides you, and as much as you think otherwise, they really don't blame you when you fuck up. You should have some time with her when she's not screaming the place down. She's an amazing little girl. She's the light of my life and you're going to be her aunty. And the bump. Mark my words, you will wake up one morning, look at yourself in the mirror after a pee and realise it's there. It's like it suddenly appears out of nowhere, right along with indigestion and flatulence. Oh, and the want to poke random arseholes in the eye."
"I can't wait," Harri confided in a hushed tone. And the truth was, that she couldn't. She could still be Harriet Ryan, and pregnant. It was okay for her to be excited about the pregnancy. "Can't believe I'm suddenly a mother, and an aunty, and a scared partner... Seems so unreal." She pulled back to briefly stroke her hand over Ali's hair. "Thank you so much for this. For everything. Truth is I'm glad I have you around."
Ali touched the locket hanging around her neck and smiled. "It's the best thing ever," she admitted, smiling at Harri. "Hardest thing ever, but the best. When you see them for the first time and your brain lets you realise they came out of you, it's just... unbelievable. You'll be an amazing Mum. I know you will." She squeezed her hand. "You have nothing to thank me for. I promise, I'll always be here for you, and if I can't help, we can just be there for each other."
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 1,936