Exiled? Day Six
ok i'm going to really try to get my thoughts out here...
I miss one of my friends... and i've told them as much, but i get the feeling they don't miss me at all. its as if i don't exist anymore. the feeling sucks beyond belief. here's the sticky side of it. one of major fears in life is that one day i will lose the people i care about, by my own actions. and i often wonder if its something i did wrong that caused them to leave. of course i know that it may very well be a host of many things that caused them to no longer want me around, but if lines of communications are cut off... scratch that. i'm too afraid of the answer to even ask the question directly. i've skated around it but never tried to directly get an answer. it frightens me so... and i don't have a rational reason for it. i guess that its tough for me to face that someone i felt so close to would reject me. obviously this person is very special to me. and yes i realize that its within my power to make them "unspecial" as i've made them special in the first place.
i'm always scared that i'm going to screw things up. screw up the things most important to me. but honestly in the beginning that fear doesn't exist.. it only happens when i realize that i have a good thing and invariably i'm going to do something that will cause them to leave me. i always think that i must be incredibly annoying to need to constant reassurance. that "no news" is "bad news"
one reason i came out to vegas is to see if being alone can be survived.. now i'm not really alone. but my human interaction has been cut down tremendously. i'm completely out of my element. i'm far from my comfort zone and its driving me insane. after a while i start thinking that i'm abandoned here despite knowing i put myself here voluntarily.
feeling alone is the roughest thing for me. all sorts of stories run through my head.. not nice stories.