We are.
So, here's my story...
We are unable to often imagine ourselves farther down the road, than from the squares of concrete we stand upon.
I mean, think about it.
You aren't necessarily able to envision yourself being 23 when you're 10 years old. You find that number garish, unforgiving, ancient, and unfathomable. But, one day, you look up...and you're 23. And it's not so bad.
We find ourselves in the oddest of places to wonder "why" sometimes. And isn't it frightening when it is within a place where the moment of wonder isn't the best of moments at all.
Today, I found myself four times: At work, walking, at play, and finally at home.
At work: In my humble little plummet that is tech support, you don't often get a chance to get something we take for granted: a "thank you". And within this lack of thanks on my end lie some customers, bosses, and strings of e-mails, each of their hands clamoring for the perfection of instant gratification. And sometimes, you can satisfy them...silence the hungry mouths and dried hands. Others, you will be the bump in the road to a set of supposedly fragile feet. And you will become a target. And you'll laugh about it afterwards...until you can find that one crack of daylight, and LEAVE. In the meantime, you do your best to be productive, positive, and keep your head above water. When I left today, I got an absolute feeling of drowning....and then coming up for air. Being able to smile. Something so simple that makes you realize something of yourself: you, as a person, have a dislike for those that cannot thank the hands that work for them.
At play: Academia is strange. This statement alone is like saying that "the sky is blue". Despite the obvious natures of where I stand in the grand schema of things...I am a grad student (finally). Thus, the further depths of what is regarded as the strange now rears the fearsome nature of its head all the more. I knew of it in undergrad...professors who found themselves unable to speak anything but the truth made me open-eyed enough to realize when and where the bullshit was coming from....and how to get around it. Tonight, I came to an academia event as chivalry in baggy jeans, mildly unshaven, hair un-brushed, Puma track jacket and sneakers tied loosely with fat laces...and worked a room to uncontrollable smiles. Sometimes, it can be difficult to know when something is genuine...but when someone can shake your hand, notice whom you are between the unforseen defenses of your clothing, and still tell you that they sense something "whole" and "earthy" of you...you are humbled. Once again, able to smile when self shines through: you, as a person, are comfortable in your element...and if it is not yours, then you can make it so.
Walking: I want to be outside, more often than times I'm trapped behind my headphones, or a notebook, or paper-pushing. This time of year...where it can be hot during the day, and then simmer to nothing at night is my favorite time of year. Just cool enough to wet your appetite for a bike ride by opening the window. But, then again, the leisurely has its place as well...so, I just started walking. Strapped on my headphones, and started strolling. Music matched itself to life, in the usual inexplicable patterns, but it's where my steps fell that caught my surprise. I'm sure that most of the people I passed on my way home thought that I was drunk, high, or crazy with how my smile contrasted the fever pitch of collegiate hustles of drink, dance, eat, sex, and sleep. But, to just be able to be myself for a little while...to put away Edward M., AMS, DJ Eon and just be me is perhaps a revelation that some people in undergraduate studies will never stumble upon, or perhaps they will graze it, or it will graze them, and pass on like a fired stray thought to a person more ripe for the fatality of image. When I got home, I just sat here for a while, and thought for as long as I could sit still: you, as a person, need time to yourself sometimes...you feel as though you have to be something to someone most of the time, and that leaves no time for yourself.
And now, I find myself at home....and here, my selves have been waiting for me. An unfinished paper, research proposals, websites for plane ticket prices, unfinished songs, beat tapes, headphones with a tangled cord...
And all of this will be organized into the pattern of calendars, shows, deadlines and moments to breathe...but the breaths themselves must be deeper, truly. We are just now learning again to breathe deeply and exhale, coughing at the fits in life, and savoring the sweeter currents that waft in on an occasional breeze.
- M
We are unable to often imagine ourselves farther down the road, than from the squares of concrete we stand upon.
I mean, think about it.
You aren't necessarily able to envision yourself being 23 when you're 10 years old. You find that number garish, unforgiving, ancient, and unfathomable. But, one day, you look up...and you're 23. And it's not so bad.
We find ourselves in the oddest of places to wonder "why" sometimes. And isn't it frightening when it is within a place where the moment of wonder isn't the best of moments at all.
Today, I found myself four times: At work, walking, at play, and finally at home.
At work: In my humble little plummet that is tech support, you don't often get a chance to get something we take for granted: a "thank you". And within this lack of thanks on my end lie some customers, bosses, and strings of e-mails, each of their hands clamoring for the perfection of instant gratification. And sometimes, you can satisfy them...silence the hungry mouths and dried hands. Others, you will be the bump in the road to a set of supposedly fragile feet. And you will become a target. And you'll laugh about it afterwards...until you can find that one crack of daylight, and LEAVE. In the meantime, you do your best to be productive, positive, and keep your head above water. When I left today, I got an absolute feeling of drowning....and then coming up for air. Being able to smile. Something so simple that makes you realize something of yourself: you, as a person, have a dislike for those that cannot thank the hands that work for them.
At play: Academia is strange. This statement alone is like saying that "the sky is blue". Despite the obvious natures of where I stand in the grand schema of things...I am a grad student (finally). Thus, the further depths of what is regarded as the strange now rears the fearsome nature of its head all the more. I knew of it in undergrad...professors who found themselves unable to speak anything but the truth made me open-eyed enough to realize when and where the bullshit was coming from....and how to get around it. Tonight, I came to an academia event as chivalry in baggy jeans, mildly unshaven, hair un-brushed, Puma track jacket and sneakers tied loosely with fat laces...and worked a room to uncontrollable smiles. Sometimes, it can be difficult to know when something is genuine...but when someone can shake your hand, notice whom you are between the unforseen defenses of your clothing, and still tell you that they sense something "whole" and "earthy" of you...you are humbled. Once again, able to smile when self shines through: you, as a person, are comfortable in your element...and if it is not yours, then you can make it so.
Walking: I want to be outside, more often than times I'm trapped behind my headphones, or a notebook, or paper-pushing. This time of year...where it can be hot during the day, and then simmer to nothing at night is my favorite time of year. Just cool enough to wet your appetite for a bike ride by opening the window. But, then again, the leisurely has its place as well...so, I just started walking. Strapped on my headphones, and started strolling. Music matched itself to life, in the usual inexplicable patterns, but it's where my steps fell that caught my surprise. I'm sure that most of the people I passed on my way home thought that I was drunk, high, or crazy with how my smile contrasted the fever pitch of collegiate hustles of drink, dance, eat, sex, and sleep. But, to just be able to be myself for a little while...to put away Edward M., AMS, DJ Eon and just be me is perhaps a revelation that some people in undergraduate studies will never stumble upon, or perhaps they will graze it, or it will graze them, and pass on like a fired stray thought to a person more ripe for the fatality of image. When I got home, I just sat here for a while, and thought for as long as I could sit still: you, as a person, need time to yourself sometimes...you feel as though you have to be something to someone most of the time, and that leaves no time for yourself.
And now, I find myself at home....and here, my selves have been waiting for me. An unfinished paper, research proposals, websites for plane ticket prices, unfinished songs, beat tapes, headphones with a tangled cord...
And all of this will be organized into the pattern of calendars, shows, deadlines and moments to breathe...but the breaths themselves must be deeper, truly. We are just now learning again to breathe deeply and exhale, coughing at the fits in life, and savoring the sweeter currents that waft in on an occasional breeze.
- M