i missed you before you were gone
i lost my Buffy today.
i had to make the harshest decision of my life.
and i had to take her to be put to sleep.
and now im home...and i never realized how much my home was OUR home, and ...
half of everything is hers.
the bed, the chair, the toys, in the kitchen the food i cooked for her the snacks,
in the bathroom her shampoos, her conditioners, her brushes.
her blankets.
and i still feel liek its not enough.
i went through everything, every photo i have of her in a pile.
there are so many, but not enough.
i shouldnt have rushed.
i think i should have just held on for a little while.
but then i think how horrible that was for her.
Buffy was always hyper, this time last year we went on a run, we chilled out at the park. we had icee's.
she was fine.
she was more than fine.
and then she wasnt.
and i didnt know what to do.
because i got her when i was 17.
and while i was growing up, she was growing old.
i never noticed her fur turned white.
i never did.
she still looked too young. i proudly told people she was 15.
she started falling, she couldnt get up the 4 steps one day.
and i carried her. i thought maybe she had a sprain. i looked up on the internet.and felt dread because...
Degenerative Myelopathy .
thats what they called it.
and German shepherds were the number 1 breed to get it.
akitas the second.
and she was both.
yesterday i made the appointment.
after months of her soiling and dragging herself through my apartment. and shamefully avoiding me , even though i said it was OK, and just mopped up. and mopped, and mopped, and then soaked her.
i still thought she was gonna be OK, we were gonna be OK.
but yesterday i made the appointment.
and i toughened up.
i made her a bunch of cheese plates, made her some buffy burgers,
i talked to her.
but since December she just wasnt my old dog.
she didnt really respond.
she just looked so sad.
and i couldnt look at her.
so...today i took her in. and everyone was so nice. not fake nice.
but matter of fact. i like for people to be that way with me. my dads in the funeral business. i dont like fake sympathy.
the doctor was a polish man, who looked too young for his military haircut.
he said i did the right thing "absolutely".
she was still trying to bark at the other dogs in the place,lol.
she smiled at me, let me kiss her face.
all of a sudden i felt like THATS HER, SHE'S BACK, SHES WAGGING AND BARKING AND GIVING ME KISSES.
BUT we were there.
and they gave her the first shot.
and she was so good. she looked at me smiling the whole time. she couldnt feel it. the paralysis didnt let her.
and i pet her and pet her, and talked to her.
and she fell asleep.
we put her on the table...
and suddenly she winked. she used to wink at me. all the years , just blinking one eye, everyone thought it was so weird way back, that she would wink at me.
but she did and i held her. and they gave her the final shot.
i expected it to be like with dead people.
dead people never look the same to me. there's always something off.
but she didnt even change. there was no collapse. or...anything. she looked like she did when she slept. accept she didnt kick and make her dream sounds.
but i knew when she was just gone...
i covered her face.
called a cab.
and came home.
ordered food.
and all ive been thinking since then is: the last time i took a shower, i had Buff. when i last ate, she was there...etc...
and now...
i dont know what to do.
i had to make the harshest decision of my life.
and i had to take her to be put to sleep.
and now im home...and i never realized how much my home was OUR home, and ...
half of everything is hers.
the bed, the chair, the toys, in the kitchen the food i cooked for her the snacks,
in the bathroom her shampoos, her conditioners, her brushes.
her blankets.
and i still feel liek its not enough.
i went through everything, every photo i have of her in a pile.
there are so many, but not enough.
i shouldnt have rushed.
i think i should have just held on for a little while.
but then i think how horrible that was for her.
Buffy was always hyper, this time last year we went on a run, we chilled out at the park. we had icee's.
she was fine.
she was more than fine.
and then she wasnt.
and i didnt know what to do.
because i got her when i was 17.
and while i was growing up, she was growing old.
i never noticed her fur turned white.
i never did.
she still looked too young. i proudly told people she was 15.
she started falling, she couldnt get up the 4 steps one day.
and i carried her. i thought maybe she had a sprain. i looked up on the internet.and felt dread because...
Degenerative Myelopathy .
thats what they called it.
and German shepherds were the number 1 breed to get it.
akitas the second.
and she was both.
yesterday i made the appointment.
after months of her soiling and dragging herself through my apartment. and shamefully avoiding me , even though i said it was OK, and just mopped up. and mopped, and mopped, and then soaked her.
i still thought she was gonna be OK, we were gonna be OK.
but yesterday i made the appointment.
and i toughened up.
i made her a bunch of cheese plates, made her some buffy burgers,
i talked to her.
but since December she just wasnt my old dog.
she didnt really respond.
she just looked so sad.
and i couldnt look at her.
so...today i took her in. and everyone was so nice. not fake nice.
but matter of fact. i like for people to be that way with me. my dads in the funeral business. i dont like fake sympathy.
the doctor was a polish man, who looked too young for his military haircut.
he said i did the right thing "absolutely".
she was still trying to bark at the other dogs in the place,lol.
she smiled at me, let me kiss her face.
all of a sudden i felt like THATS HER, SHE'S BACK, SHES WAGGING AND BARKING AND GIVING ME KISSES.
BUT we were there.
and they gave her the first shot.
and she was so good. she looked at me smiling the whole time. she couldnt feel it. the paralysis didnt let her.
and i pet her and pet her, and talked to her.
and she fell asleep.
we put her on the table...
and suddenly she winked. she used to wink at me. all the years , just blinking one eye, everyone thought it was so weird way back, that she would wink at me.
but she did and i held her. and they gave her the final shot.
i expected it to be like with dead people.
dead people never look the same to me. there's always something off.
but she didnt even change. there was no collapse. or...anything. she looked like she did when she slept. accept she didnt kick and make her dream sounds.
but i knew when she was just gone...
i covered her face.
called a cab.
and came home.
ordered food.
and all ive been thinking since then is: the last time i took a shower, i had Buff. when i last ate, she was there...etc...
and now...
i dont know what to do.