goddamn teenage hormones are giving me ISSUES
11:37 at night. Great time to rant like a stupid and hope I don't wake up wanting to run into oncoming traffic.
You know what sucks? Thinking sucks. Thinking is really the main thing that makes me clench up all over because thinking is what makes me mad. Like, people don't make me mad, but thinking about them does. When I think I'm a raging unhappy bitch machine.
Thinking about me hurts me. See, now I want to cry instead of getting mad but I'll just be mad later. I feel inadequate again. Like unnescessary and a novelty again even though ladyyatexel said a long time ago it's not true. Well, I dunno. I feel like it wore off a bunch. Like when she saw me in August she was all "OH. MY. GOD. THAT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER FREAKIN' DID." And when she saw me over the weekend it just sorta felt like "Well that was really really nice, thanks for having me, bye." Not that she was ungrateful. Just not as hyped.
And I feel like I know why. Like, reading her journal about it, she made special extra careful to let me know she was ok and she didn't write anything bad about me, even though I was cranky and bossy the whole time. It was just so obvious that all the blur-marks were about her pining for Stupidface. And, you know, why not? It's how she is and I can't do anything about it.
Then why does it make me feel like shit? Why can't I just leave it alone in my own brain and shut up about it like everyone else does? I know she feels bad when I feel bad because of her and she didn't even really do anything and I don't want her to feel like that but what am I gonna do if I can't stop feeling this way? When I keep it in I get those tremors in my stomach and my teeth and my fists.
I get so upset. My therapist said, 'Well, if you say she's your number one friend then it's only natural to feel like you want her to give you the same priority.' But she's got other people in her life so I can't expect so much. And I was in the shower thinking, and I hate thinking, but I was thinking "Well what am I gonna do about that? I could just try walking up to someone and saying, 'Hi, wanna be new best friends? My old best friend's too busy fantasizing about smooching some half-lidded anti-social uber-detatched freak of nature.'"
I only felt a little bad after I thought that.
I shouldn't read journals anymore, see? I take them for more than face value and try to guess things. A lot of times I'm right. Sometimes I get worked up over nothing. But if I don't know...I dunno, it's like what if there's something in there she expects me to know and what if I'm not her friend if I don't read it but if I do I feel bad! Reading it for me, just cause of how my brain works, is like seeing "BOY OH FUCKIN' BOY, IN JUST TOO SHORT WEEKS ALL MY WILDEST AND MOST BEAUTIFUL ORGASMIC LESBIAN FANTASIES ARE GOING TO COME TRUE AND MY LIFE WILL BE COMPLETE, BE STILL MY FLUTTERING HEART and oh yeah I have to mention Mango or she'll get pissed."
No, see, of course it's not like that, but try telling my brain. So what am I supposed to do about it? I mean, I'm running of options, so there it is, on the table, uncensored, plain as day, hurt you or not that's just the truth.
SO, THERE YOU GO, THAT'S WHAT WAS BUGGING ME. Thank you and good night.
You know what sucks? Thinking sucks. Thinking is really the main thing that makes me clench up all over because thinking is what makes me mad. Like, people don't make me mad, but thinking about them does. When I think I'm a raging unhappy bitch machine.
Thinking about me hurts me. See, now I want to cry instead of getting mad but I'll just be mad later. I feel inadequate again. Like unnescessary and a novelty again even though ladyyatexel said a long time ago it's not true. Well, I dunno. I feel like it wore off a bunch. Like when she saw me in August she was all "OH. MY. GOD. THAT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER FREAKIN' DID." And when she saw me over the weekend it just sorta felt like "Well that was really really nice, thanks for having me, bye." Not that she was ungrateful. Just not as hyped.
And I feel like I know why. Like, reading her journal about it, she made special extra careful to let me know she was ok and she didn't write anything bad about me, even though I was cranky and bossy the whole time. It was just so obvious that all the blur-marks were about her pining for Stupidface. And, you know, why not? It's how she is and I can't do anything about it.
Then why does it make me feel like shit? Why can't I just leave it alone in my own brain and shut up about it like everyone else does? I know she feels bad when I feel bad because of her and she didn't even really do anything and I don't want her to feel like that but what am I gonna do if I can't stop feeling this way? When I keep it in I get those tremors in my stomach and my teeth and my fists.
I get so upset. My therapist said, 'Well, if you say she's your number one friend then it's only natural to feel like you want her to give you the same priority.' But she's got other people in her life so I can't expect so much. And I was in the shower thinking, and I hate thinking, but I was thinking "Well what am I gonna do about that? I could just try walking up to someone and saying, 'Hi, wanna be new best friends? My old best friend's too busy fantasizing about smooching some half-lidded anti-social uber-detatched freak of nature.'"
I only felt a little bad after I thought that.
I shouldn't read journals anymore, see? I take them for more than face value and try to guess things. A lot of times I'm right. Sometimes I get worked up over nothing. But if I don't know...I dunno, it's like what if there's something in there she expects me to know and what if I'm not her friend if I don't read it but if I do I feel bad! Reading it for me, just cause of how my brain works, is like seeing "BOY OH FUCKIN' BOY, IN JUST TOO SHORT WEEKS ALL MY WILDEST AND MOST BEAUTIFUL ORGASMIC LESBIAN FANTASIES ARE GOING TO COME TRUE AND MY LIFE WILL BE COMPLETE, BE STILL MY FLUTTERING HEART and oh yeah I have to mention Mango or she'll get pissed."
No, see, of course it's not like that, but try telling my brain. So what am I supposed to do about it? I mean, I'm running of options, so there it is, on the table, uncensored, plain as day, hurt you or not that's just the truth.
SO, THERE YOU GO, THAT'S WHAT WAS BUGGING ME. Thank you and good night.