RP LOG | With isabelowens

[agentfraser]

Isabel lay on her side, watching James sleep. He had spent another night at her place. It was happening so often, that Iz just assumed he'd moved in. She didn't mention it, or bring it up, but now she was starting to wonder. She was also still considering the talk she'd had with Pat. Were her feelings for James just because they had such a deep connection? She didn't necessarily have to be in love with him to feel it. He was her best friend, and their bond was almost as strong as that of twins.

That thought made her scrunch her nose up. James was very not a blood relation thank god. That would have meant what they were doing was a whole new level of wrong. She rubbed her hand against her stomach, the bump starting to become bigger. Ali had lost her baby, and Iz was still heart broken. She thought she'd be able to be pregnant at the same time as her best friend, have their kids grow up simultaneously. Now Ali, who had really wanted a baby with Andrew, wasn't pregnant.

And Iz, who didn't deserve to be pregnant, still was. She'd fucked Cameron over royally, but was still going to give birth to his kids. She missed him. She missed him more than she ever wanted to admit, but had a feeling Pat knew just how much. James shifted in his sleep, and Izzy reached out to take his hand. He was always going to be her best friend, there was no changing that. She just wasn't as sure as she had been that he was supposed to be anything more.


Maybe they really had had their one chance, and should have just left it at that. Only the sex was still fantastic, and she was pregnant, and horny, and he was willing. She wasn't proud, but she was hardly going to say no. She just didn't think they'd really made love since being together, and for years she might have debated the difference between sex and making love. What they'd had back in Princeton when they'd crossed the line had been close to the latter. Since then, she wasn't sure. She wasn't sure of a lot of things lately, and it troubled her. Iz let out a sigh as she quietly cursed the fact she couldn't roll over onto her back.

James woke up quickly, possibly from more discontent thoughts plaguing his mind in his sleep as well as when he was awake. They were getting harder to ignore when he was awake, so maybe it was impossible to get rid of them when he was asleep. He sat up in the bed, the covers pooling around his waist as it took a few bleary moments for him to get his bearings as to where he was. He always first thought he was in his own bed with Harri, or more recently, at Mark's place. But it wasn't either. It was Izzy's and his sleepy brain soon clicked that fact into place as he rubbed a hand over his face and peered at her groggily in the dim light streaming through the edge of the blinds. "Was I snoring?" he asked huskily, his voice croaky from sleep as he yawned widely and scratched at his chest. "I didn't fart and wake myself up again, did I?" he asked through another yawn.

Izzy glanced up at him, and tried to shake her head against the pillow. "No, you were quiet. Maybe a few grunts, but nothing snore-like, or gas-fuelled." Iz stifled a yawn, covering her mouth with her hand. She'd been awake for ages, unable to sleep with the cycle of thoughts running through her mind, and stopping her from resting. Now she was starting to get sleepy, but knew she wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

James nodded and hugged his arms around his middle. He looked at the wall across from the end of the bed, still trying to get himself to wake up a bit more. He didn't know the time, he didn't really care. He had been asleep and he woke up... he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. His rest was broken just about every night of late. Harri kissing him was fresh in his mind, and he was getting nervous about the rapidly approaching birth of their baby. His son. His first child. He still couldn't believe it. He had never thought that would come any time soon, and now all of a sudden it was all-encompassing for him. He just had to go see Harri at her office. He couldn't go through what Mark did with Jamie, he had to show Harri he wanted to be there for every step of the kid's life, even if things between them weren't easy. He needed a pee, but even that seemed like it would take too much energy. Babies got it easy with the whole diaper thing. "Not long now til Ali gets married. It's weird..." he commented, just to break the silence. "Really weird." He knew then he wasn't solely referencing Ali being a married woman.

"At least I'll finally make it down an aisle that isn't in Vegas," Iz said with a slight smirk. She stretched out her legs to try and find a comfortable position as she huffed out a breath. "James? I..." She felt like she had to talk to him about what was going throug her mind, but she couldn't find the words. How was she supposed to even have this conversation? She wasn't even sure what she wanted the end outcome to be.

"She'll take you out with the bouquet. If she doesn't do a runner herself," James noted and then turned to look at Izzy tiredly. "What?" he asked her and started to rub his eyes slowly, lethargically. Work wasn't even enough to keep him distracted. In the past, when things were tough, he buried himself in his work like an ostrich. It's probably a lot of why he pushed her away for so long before they got their act together. At work, he could convince himself things were fine. But maybe it was now that his parental instinct was trying to kick in when he didn't even realise he had any. His kid wasn't born, didn't even breathe with his lungs or see with his eyes, and James missed him.

"Somehow I don't think she'll run away. She loves Andrew too much for that." Iz reached up to take his hand again, rubbing her thumb across his fingers. "James... I don't even know what I'm supposed to say, but I have to say something. I just... I love you. You're my best friend, and I think you are the other half of me in a lot of ways. I've never been so close to someone as I am to you. Well, with the exception of Fi and Ali."

James squeezed her hand and looked down at her, his other hand still tucked loosely around his stomach. "I hear the 'but' after those words," he noted. It was his job to read between the lines and the skill didn't switch off with family members, even if his emotions usually got in the way and made his loved ones harder to read. He drew in a breath and let it out slowly. "Harri kissed me."

Isabel's eyes widened a little, but she couldn't really truly act surprised. "But you're Harri's now," she told him quietly as she amended her 'but' in relation to his revelation. "She's having your baby, and I think you still love her. How could you not? And I know I fought hard for us to try again, and I still think we did do the right thing... We had to be sure. And I think I'm scared to admit what I'm sure about."

James dropped his head, looking down at his lap and closing his eyes. "Of course I love her because she's having my baby. That just happens. But it's all... it doesn't just go back, Iz. We fucked them over. If what you're about to admit to next is you still want Cameron. It's not going to happen. We made our choice, we have to live with it. We can't just chop and change as we feel like it and expect everyone to bow down and cater to what we want. Why should they? We're coming off as a spoiled kids in a playground who loses interest in the new toy, turfing them aside for the more interesting older toy. Do you think Andrew would take Ali back if she decided she wanted to go back to Mark, only changed her mind in a couple of months time? No, he would be screwed in the head to. He would want to cut his losses and move on."

"It's not what I'm about to admit, but yeah, I do. And I know I fucked it. It's why I'm not going after him. I was alone after you... went away, so it's not like I can't do it. I can. I can just be me and have the babies, or whatever. And if he wants to be a part of their lives, he can be. I'm not going to ask him to be a part of mine. I'm not trying to chop and change. That's the hardest thing I've come to terms with. I just... James, is this really what you want?" She watched him, trying not to bite down on the tip of her finger. "This isn't about toys, it's about contentment. I love you, and I always will. Just maybe we really did have our chance. I know we've been going along, trying to get this to work, and for it to be new... Only maybe our hearts really are elsewhere. It's easy to want the familiar when we're together, but don't you feel... I don't know. I can't even think of the word for it."

James rested his elbows on his knees and cupped his head in his hands, scratching his fingers lethargically through the front of his hair, which had somehow along the line come to be more on the longish side again. Remembering to get a haircut had clearly not been on his list of priorities. "My heart is with my son," he had to admit quietly. "And finding this contentment you mentioned shouldn't be at the price of hurting so many other people. It shouldn't. But I- I can't think of anything but him, Iz. It's all-consuming me. It's like I don't even have room in my head to think about my own happiness or relationships or whatever because all I can think about is hoping he's going to be born healthy, and wondering what he'll feel like when I hold him for the first time, and what colour his hair will be, and what colour his eyes will be, and how small his hands and feet will be, and whether he'll arrive sooner than we thought, or maybe later, and whether I'll be able to pull off this father thing. All those things Ali said in the early days about Jamie, it's like I can feel an echo of them inside, but towards my own kid. It hurts how much I love him already and I don't even know if it's a question of whether I want to be with you, or with Harri, or if Harri is the one... she's just got my baby, and I love her for that. I never, ever thought I would feel like this and for the first time in... years, I feel like that little boy could complete me and make me feel grounded."

"Then you should be with him. Even now. And even if you and Harri aren't together. You should still be there. The early stages are going to be incredibly important. Even I can start to feel a bond with my twins. I don't want to swap it for anything, and considering I'm going to have two baby bundles... I want to be able to give them everything." Iz tilted her head back down, her neck already starting to hurt. She twirled her finger around her hair, the pregnancy starting to make it grow at a rapid rate. "You should be able to focus on him. I... I don't want to stop you from doing that, and I want to be able to be the best aunty I can be to your kid. And that's just it. I don't want to be his mother. He's going to have an amazing one in Harri."

James unfolded himself so he could shift and see her better. "Iz, it's..." He paused and sighed. "It's not that I don't love you. I do. I'm always going to. And all this is fine, it really is. I could be happy with this, and I think we would work and exist fine together. But you know what? Somewhere, in all the strings of fucked up shit, I think we just... grew up? Got old, maybe. Something shifted and changed. What we did was selfish, but maybe it's failing because we really aren't as selfish as we used to be. We have too many other people we want to think about and care about and have in our lives. It's not just get up, go to work, come home, fuck, and start the whole process all over again. It's more. It's us both about to be parents, and letting ourselves fall in love with other people, and Ali getting married and Mark moving on and... it's changing. That's why I don't think it's that we don't love each other anymore, we just love a lot of other people too. And maybe we'll just always need each other or whatever the fuck, but I don't know if we can give each other the whole package anymore."

Tears pricked the backs of Izzy's eyes, and she reached out to touch his face. "I don't think we can, but at least we both reached that conclusion, and we both know what's going on. We get to say a proper goodbye this time. You're still my best friend. I can't not have you in my life. And I can't really do this without your support, because I am just as much doubting my ability to be a mother. I just know you'll be a great dad. You'll have your son in your arms for the first time, and you'll know. You'll realise you're meant for more than the SS and the FBI."

James pressed his lips together and then smiled at her, laughing softly as he shook his head. "I'm sure at some point I'll shake this feeling that I'm having an outer-body experience and watching myself from above while everything changes that I never thought I would. Never thought I would let myself have, to be honest. I thought joining the SS was going to give me what I was searching for, but it didn't. It just took me further away from what I already had. We might both suck as parents in the early days, but Ali thought that too, and she's an amazing mother. She told me the other day it's not something you can teach yourself in advance, and you can't practice with other people's kids, either. You don't know shit until you have your own. Wise words there... just with a lot more 'fucks' thrown in there when when she explained it. It's been a year, you know. Almost to the day. Quickest fucking year of my life. I think we just need to... take each day? As corny as that sounds. Everything can just change so quickly, what's the point in trying to see beyond it all for answers?"

"James, you were always allowed to have those things. And maybe in a way it's good everything fucked up. We both realised we were allowed to have what we wanted. It just didn't happen how we thought." Iz laughed at the image of Ali dispensing the wise words with a load of fucks punctuating them. "Sounds like Ali. And I believe her, I really do. I can't believe it's a year, either. I mean, fuck. Where'd it go?" She pulled him closer to press her lips to his in a soft kiss. "Taking each day works, but we're taking each day as... friends. Right?"

James shrugged. "I dunno. Will we ever just be friends? There's more there than that. Just not the passionate romance I guess we both want at the end of the day. I don't mean that to sound crap. The sex has been nice, and familiar. But we lost the passion somewhere. I think even the first time back in Princeton, it wasn't passion, it was just desperation to be close to each other. I listen to Ali talking about riding her guy like there is no tomorrow, even if she hasn't since the miscarriage, and I actually feel jealous," he laughed and then smirked. "I think even Mark is getting fucked into the mattress by... whoever she is. Then, the sex aside, maybe we just know each other too much, inside and out, for that mystery and spontaneity to be there anymore."

"I thought it was just me," Izzy said in a relieved rush. She pressed her lips together as she shrugged a little. "I get jealous, too. Not that I really feel much like riding at the moment. I just want to be pounded. Wait, Mark's being fucked into the mattress? Is that why you started staying here so often? You know, if you want to stay here you can. And if you want to try and move back in with Harri, I'd understand. I think Mark would, too. I'm not sorry we tried this again. I'm glad we got to work out once and for all that we really did grow up, or do whatever the fuck it was."

"I don't know what I'm going to do, to be honest. That is part of the reason. Mostly I just wanted to spend time with you. I figured we weren't going to get anywhere if we weren't spending the time we had together. But yeah, I thought he might want some privacy. I still get he is hiding it for some reason that's important to him. But shit, I want him to be happy. He hasn't been happy since he split with Ali and I want him to find a girl who adores him for him and that he doesn't feel he has to be something he's not. Because he's a great guy. He's basically my hero, even now." James smiled as he thought about his brother. "Do you think we all just need to flounder around and land wherever the fuck we do? I don't know if Harri will want anything with me ever again beyond me being a Dad to the boy. She's not stopping me being part of his life in any way and she's letting me be there for the birth," he told her, unable to help smiling at the thought of it. "I didn't want to miss that."

"Is he happy? Have you noticed a positive change, or is Mark just being quiet still? Have you two... reconnected? I wasn't sure if you'd managed to breach the gap yet. Especially since you've been here. Which I'm not complaining about. At all. I'm glad we had the time together. I don't feel so disconnected anymore. For a while I still just felt like I wasn't really a part of anything. At least I know where one part of my life stands." Iz smirked a little. "Really not sure I'm capable of much floundering right now, so I have no idea how Harri would manage it, or even Cam with his busted leg." Her smirk instantly faded at the thought of the footballer. Even though she was going to make no attempt to get back together with him, she still needed to talk to him. If there was ever chance he'd take her back it would take time, and Iz needed to learn patience. "That's great. I think it's important you be there, James. He's your son. You should take every chance to connect with him."

James chewed on his lips in thought and then shrugged a little. "He is in some ways, but I think the closure with Ali and Jamie just came like in the guts to him. He realised he really had fucked up enough to lose them. Maybe a tiny part of himself always thought he would win Ali back. Or hoped he would. Maybe a little like how you're feeling with the footballer now. He's always going to love her, but now it's that different love. Loves her as a friend, as the woman who had his child. Like I said, it was closure, but closure isn't always easy to swallow. He is happy for her, though, and wants to talk to Andrew to try and clear the air there. Things have just taken a real turn and everything is changing for everyone. But this person he is seeing, I think has maybe given him some hope. He doesn't look so old and drained anymore. All I know is that I need to be the best father I can, I need to spend more time with Mark doing brother things, and I need to spend time with Ali making up for everything I cost her, and for the times she needed me and I wasn't there. After that, I'll see where things stand. I guess it's a start. I'm hoping after that, I'll be in a better frame of mind to think about romance or something." He paused and looked at her closely. "You still love him."

"We both need to make it up to Ali. I'm just as much in the doghouse as you are. But I've been making sure she's a priority. Same with Jamie. I need her to understand I'm her aunty, and not some mad woman that's there to make her mom angry. I think it's helped Ali getting that closure, too. She needed to make sure things were fixed with Mark before thinking about anything else. Now she's all wedding crazy. You should see her shoes! They're insane. I'm still not sure what she has in mind for us bridesmaids and I'm kind of scared. Like if she reveals it at the last moment we don't have a chance of backing out and not wearing something garish. Not that I think she'd do that to us... much." Izzy looked back at him, arching her eyebrow briefly in a sort of shrug. "It doesn't matter if I do. I fucked it all up."

"Jamie's an amazing little girl. I love spending time with her, but she just tends to sit there and stare at me, or giggle at me and try to eat my ties. She's the one that makes me stop and wonder if maybe being a Dad could be a really cool thing. You sit and watch her with Andrew, and the way her face lights up when he walks in the room, or the way she watches Ali and just smiles. I mean, how cool is that? That little person just thinks they are the most awesome people ever because they're her mummy and daddy. Just for being there. Not that it is my ego complex that wants that, but it's the whole package. She adores them because they have been there for her, taken care of her, all of that. That's what I want. I just get terrified I'll fuck him up. I don't know if I have the strength Ali does, but then she says Jamie gives her the strength. Jamie and Andrew. We got bumped off, you know," James said with a fond smirk. "She used to just need us. And I don't think you'll be put through the poofy bridesmaid ringer. I think Ali's wedding will be classy. She might just give you the poofy, fluffy toilet doll dress to punish you and make Tab and Leila all awesome and trendy," he joked.

He sighed and rested his head on his hand again. "Is that reason not to give it another try to talk to him, though? Before he goes, at least. Pat seems to think Cameron's going to head home now he's out of hospital. You might be on a ticking clock, Iz. Maybe you should just try. Is he going to be at the wedding?"

"Of course it's a really cool thing," Iz said as she laughed a little. "I've always thought it would be awesome being a parent. If only because I know we can do a million times better than those fuckwits we deal with through work. They don't deserve kids, and they should be given corporal punishment... Even if this is New York. Let's just ship then all to Texas. It is pretty cool thinking they'll just think we're awesome for being their parents. At least you only have one to worry about fucking up. I've got two. Two potential fuck ups on the way." Isabel nodded in agreement at being bumped off before she frowned. "You know, I wouldn't put it past her. And I almost wouldn't argue with her. I deserve the poofy dress."

"I was going to talk to him," she admitted, wondering if James really could read her mind. "I just wasn't planning on telling him I love him. He won't believe me. He still doesn't think I'm pregnant with his kids. I don't know if he'll be there. Plus I wouldn't want to try then. What if it blew up and I ruined Ali's day?"

James snorted. "You think just because you're having twins, you have more potential to fucking up even though you've always wanted kids? Nah-uh, you're not pulling that card on me. We're both in the potential fuck-up boat equally. I know identical twins aren't technically hereditary, but you would think that would give him a clue that they're his. Just one of those freaky shit things. But look how Pat is with his brother. They're inseparable. They would do anything for each other and they feel each other's pain. That's a fucking unique thing and you get to have that in your kids. They'll never be on their own." He pointed, smirking deviously. "You so deserve the fucking poofy dress and I'm going to be right there with a camera."

"Whether he believes you or not, you should still tell him. And you're just going to have to be discreet about it, aren't you? Respect it's Ali and Andrew's wedding, don't let it blow up," he said with a shrug. "I think he might be there. Andrew's cousin is a Princetonite. I got the feeling it was going to be a big thing."

"I'm not complaining about having twins. I think it is a cool thing that they get each other. I just... They're his! Of course they're fucking his. He just doesn't believe it because I fucked him over." Iz flipped him off as she kissed the tip of her middle finger. "You deserve the fucking sky blue tux with the frilly shirt."

"Is Harri going? Are you going to be discreet about that one even if you're fixing your head before thinking of anything romantic?" Izzy made a face as she tried to stretch her back. She'd give anything to be able to roll over and lie on it, but she wasn't sure she could trust herself.

James just smirked. "Yes, but unlike Ali, Andrew isn't vindictive and I'm technically on his side of the wedding party. Lovely tuxes all the way," he said smugly. He was awake now and there would probably be no going back to sleep until it was actually time to wake up. Fucking body clocks. "It's easy for you to all swear and be high and mighty about it, but at the end of the day, you fucked around on him and sure, you told him that first time was in Princeton, but you and I both know we could have done it in England when he was in hospital. How is he to really trust you that you didn't? I think the only reason Harri can see sense is because when you got knocked up, I was in a coma. I'm good, but I'm not that good. My cock didn't work for weeks after that."

"As far as I know she's going. She and Ali got close recently, strangely enough. I'm going to keep my distance because I don't think it's arguing with her that I need to worry about. Plus, she'll be about two weeks off giving birth. She probably won't stay for a late night and will likely stick close to Aiden. I offered to have Jamie while they go on their honeymoon too, but Andrew's Mum is going to. I'm still not sure she trusts we're going to be there for Jamie when she needs us."

"Because I'm not a complete fucking whore?" Iz said angrily. "I didn't fuck you when you came back. I didn't fuck you in England. I didn't fuck you in your coma." Angry tears started to spill down her cheeks as she covered her face with her hand. "I fucked up! I know that. But these are his twins. He's the father, and he's the man I love. I didn't think I could love anyone after you, but I did. And I do. And I want him back, but it's never going to happen because I'm such a stupid bitch."

"What are you worried about then?" Izzy took a gasping breath, and tried to calm down. "We'll just have to prove it to her. We'll be better now we're not together."

James just frowned at her outburst. "When has it ever been just about fucking? You loved another guy when you were with him. Loved. Fucking doesn't even come into it, Iz, and you need to see that. It's not the fact you fucked me that has him trying to shield himself from you hurting him more, it's that when he loved you, you couldn't give him everything in return. Just like Harri and me. It goes way beyond fucking. It's much worse. I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to convince Harri again that I love her fully, and right now, Cameron is probably thinking he was stupid for believing you would love him unconditionally. We deserve to be on our own and lonely. We fucking hurt them both, in the worst way. Two people who protected their hearts from everyone for this very reason. But maybe we just have to try."

"Because every time I see her, I feel physically sick with guilt," he admitted. "That's what I'm worried about. And we're not going to prove anything to Ali until we get our own shit together. She won't let us near Jamie while we're floundering, not without her being there, and we're supposed to be that little girl's godparents. We should be the ones she comes to when she needs help."

"Because somewhere in there should be the whole to get pregnant there still needs to have been fucking?" Iz asked in a small, stubborn voice. The anger ebbed, morphing to become anguish as she thought about hurting Cameron. "Sometimes I just wish I could go back and do it all differently, but then I realise we probably couldn't have done it without making a mess. We needed to fuck up to understand what was important. How fucked up is that?"

"I'm sorry." Iz nodded a little. "We'll get through it, James. We both love her and Jamie too much to ever let this happen again. I can't blame her for wanting to wait until we stop floundering. We've been idiots."

James pointed at her with a smirk. "The pregnant is a complication, not a foundation. You need to build your case better, Agent Owens." He massaged at his shoulder, trying to release some of the tension that had built up there over the last few weeks. "We never do anything without making a mess. We always seem to do everything arse-about. We really should be old, miserable people like that woman who tries to poke people with her walking stick on 53rd. Wanting to go back and do things differently is the story of my life. Right back to knocking up my girlfriend when I was a teenager. I swear everything since then has just been bad karma."

"She called Mark. When everything fell apart, Mark rescued her. Because we had our heads up our arses. When I see her with Andrew's family, I actually feel relieved because I know they won't hurt her. That's another fucked up thing right there. She should divorce us as Jamie's godparents and pick better ones."

Iz stayed quiet, biting the tip of her finger as she tried to get her brain into motion for coming up with a stronger case. She just couldn't get past the guilt threatening to swallow her up. How has she been so fucking shortsighted? She glanced up at James and made a face. "Do you think she'd really divorce us?"

"She held a gun to my head and then knocked me out. Yes, I think she would cut all ties with us if it came to that. If she thought our fucking crap would be a threat to Jamie. But think about it. When was the last time all three of us just hung out and talked? When have any of us just talked about shit and were just there for each other?" James shook his head. "I can't even remember, and I fucking miss it. I miss the piss-pulling and the laughs. Ali rarely even smiles around me anymore."

Iz finally moved, pushing herself up into a sitting position before resting her hand on her stomach. "We should do it before she gets married. We should just kidnap her and spend time with her. It might help all of us. Just get things back on track."

James shrugged and nodded a little. "Guess we can try. I don't think we're her priority anymore, just like she probably feels like she stopped being ours."

"We're so fucked in the head," Izzy murmured. "And I really want pancakes. With blueberries, bacon, eggs, maple syurp and ice cream."

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