muse_shuffle | April Disc One
05. But they'll still look in your eyes
To find the human inside
You know there's always something in there to see
[‘There’s Always Someone Cool Than You’ - Ben Folds]
Co-written with straight2point
[Follows THIS and THIS]
Marc beat Harri home, but only just. It gave him time to get out of his work clothes and have a long, piercing shower to try and compose himself for their talk. He was lacking so much sleep now that he was operating on auto-pilot. The only reason he was probably still eating was because he didn't want to land in hospital again. He washed all the hair dye out so his natural blond was back. The dark contacts were roughly discarded into the bin under the sink and he now stood in front of the mirror, towel wrapped around his waist, hair still dripping wet, and just looked at himself.
At James.
His eyes stung and he felt close to tears. He looked terrible. It wasn't James at all. It was a mere shadow of his former self. There was no healthy tan he usually had from being outside on the field, his blue eyes didn't even seem to be the same colour anymore. And he'd lost weight. It was easy to hide all that under the thick disguise of Marcus Fraser, but stripped of it all, his worst suspicions seemed to be confirmed.
He really had lost himself.
He shook his head and pulled his bathrobe on, tying it securely around his waist, and dropped the towel into the laundry hamper. His comb was pulled lethargically through his hair a couple of time for the pure sake he didn't want it to dry looking like a toothbrush and then went out into the living room area to wait for Harri. He didn't have to wait, though. She was already home, sitting on the edge of the sofa waiting for him, her hands nestled down in between her knees. Marc managed a tired smile as he came over to her. "Hey, babe," he greeted her quietly.
Harri looked up at him, and returned his smile as she held a hand out. "Hello, love." She wasn't sure what else to say. Between Marc's call, and her brief chat with Aiden online she wasn't really sure what to expect. Especially given mention of Marc's friend who was apparently dating Cameron. Her fingers linked with Marc's and she pulled him down on to the sofa beside her. "Even when you look exhausted, I still prefer you this way."
Everyone seemed to be singing from the same song sheet lately. He sat down beside her and gave her a kiss with a small nod. "Less work," he joked half-heartedly. "You look good. Are you feeling okay?" he asked her, hedging around the inevitable.
"Concerned, a little scared. Still incredibly horny, but I've learned to harness that power for my work. I promise I won't shove my hand under your robe while we have this conversation," Harri teased softly. Her blue eyes searched his face, and she wet her lips. "At least I've had a week off from morning sickness. I think our child might enjoy sushi. It's the only thing I can keep down besides all that Ben & Jerry's."
Marc hated seafood, but it wasn't what he wanted to lead the conversation with. Ben & Jerrys had always been off the menu too. He leaned forward and rubbed his fingers roughly over his cheek. His hand was shaking, a product of the anxiety he had let build on the flight home. "I've got some things I need to tell you, babe. I don't know how you're going to take them. But no more secrets. They're killing me. I'm going to end up in a closed ward if I don't just deal with this some how," he told her.
Harri touched his back, and frowned as she watched him. "You can tell me anything... James." She didn't often call him that, but she knew they were alone now. And she wanted him to feel safe. "Don't worry about how I'll deal with it. I'll be quiet until you're finished. I just don't want you to let whatever it is kill you. I've gotten used to you being around."
Marc had still been rubbing the side of his face, maybe in an effort to stay awake. But his hand stilled, his cheek resting in his palm as he blue eyes finally met her when he wet his lips. "Ali had an impromptu visitor on the weekend who came when I was there babysitting Jamie. There is absolutely no way I can dilute this, so I'm just going to say it. It was Izzy. My best friend... Ali's best friend... my wife. Ex wife..." He shrugged helplessly. "She came back from England and found me at Ali's place."
Harri's fingers curled over as she gripped the back of his bathrobe and she stared at him. "Is she the one seeing Cameron?" she asked quietly, already trying to put the pieces together. "Are you happy she's back? I can't imagine seeing you was easy... She thought you were still dead, right? It can't have been easy for you. Seems like there's no escaping who you were, love."
Marc gave a slight nod. His throat felt thick, so he swallowed to try and not let it choke him up. "I helped her get over to England to see him," he revealed numbly and the pent up tears were spilling over before he could stop them. "I didn't realise at that point that he was Pat's brother. I should have. I know. I fucked up. I slipped. It was a disaster. She and I were..." His voice dropped to barely a whisper. "Very close. I think we still are. We ran into Pat and Aiden when we got to the hospital. You can imagine how well Aiden took my unexpected presence."
Harri moved closer to him and pulled him into a hug as she wrapped her arms around him. As hard as this might have been for her to hear, it was harder seeing Marc so broken. Her heart felt like it was breaking for him. The only other person that made her feel like this was Aiden when he was upset. "I can imagine, yes. He probably didn't take it well that your friend was there." She kissed the top of his head and cleared her throat. "Close how?"
Marc exhaled sharply at the 'friend' reference. "He's not stupid. I think he put two and two together. I'm pretty confident Pat did, too, but when you stop and think about all the unintended cross-overs, it's enough to drive you crazy. I dragged Alex into it because I needed a doctor's knowledge. He has the shits with me now too. Pat was okay once he had proof Izzy had known Cameron personally, though it doesn't take a genius to see Pat's bordering on breaking down himself. He didn't need this on top of everything else." He stopped and looked her before his eyes fell closed and he shook his head a little. "I was tempted," he admitted in a whisper. "But nothing happened. It was just confusion and shock."
"And now he wants to kill you again because he thinks you're hurting me by default? I love him, but he needs to learn that I can take care of myself. Even if I understand why he's getting protective. You did a nice thing, for Cameron and for Izzy." Harri's voice almost caught on the name, but she got through it. "I've never shared men with another woman before, let alone two. Luckily I don't have the equipment to do any territorial pissing. Pat has Aiden to look after him... he's in good hands. I don't see how you've made anything worse for him." Harri pulled back a little, but her arms stayed around him. "Tempted? I see..."
Marc wrapped his arms around his stomach, for the first time wishing he could trade places with Cameron and he was obliviously unconscious to everything around him. "Don't joke about it. Please... don't joke about it," he said hoarsely, his fingers digging into his side. "Of course I've made things worse for him. I've made things worse for everyone. I never seem to do the right thing or make the right choice. Everyone is always angry at me or looking at me like I'm some completely self-centred bastard for just breathing. It's gone. I'm gone. What does the history matter? What does temptation matter? It's all fucking gone. You and Aiden are lucky. You're allowed to be unconditionally close without the risk of falling in love and it ruining everything!"
"If I can't make a joke, then what the fuck am I supposed to do? What do you want from me, love? Do you want me to get angry, because in case you haven't noticed I don't look at you like you're self-centered for breathing. And I'm not angry with you. History happens. Of course there was bound to be confusion and shock if you ever saw her again. Of course there'd be fucking temptation. I'm not an idiot. I haven't had the life I've had to be living in some naive world of make believe. Do you remember any of our conversations when we first tried to get started? Neither of us are perfect. We're just each other's kind of perfect. I couldn't give a fuck about any of this unless you're trying to tell me we're over." Harri stroked her fingers through his hair and kissed the side of his face. "You're lost, and I can't blame you. I just wish I knew how to bring you back, but I've only known you since you've been Marcus Fraser. Izzy knows you. Ali knows you. The real you... You need them. Who am I to stop you being with your friends? Even your best friend who was your wife. I'd be devastated if I lost Aiden. You lost Izzy... you should have her back."
Marc was nearing breaking point. Trying to have this point on no sleep was probably a bad idea, but it wouldn't wait. It had to be now. "I don't know what to do to make any of it better," he finally sobbed. "I don't know how to fix things. I don't know how to fix myself," he finally admitted, his hand wrapping around her arm so he could pull her into a hug.
Harri rest her head on his and felt a lump grow in her throat, and tears sting the backs of her eyes. "Maybe admitting that is the first step? Maybe you just need someone to talk to... James, I love you. No matter what, I do love you. I just need to make sure you undestand that, and I just wish I knew how to fix things. I also happen to think the first thing you need is sleep. You're exhausted, and there is probably going to be no easy fix."
"I've forgotten how to sleep too, and I sprayed hairspray under my arms instead of deoderant this morning," Marc admitted, muffled into her shoulder. He had gone beyond feeling like a dipstick now. At least he hadn't reached for antiseptic cream as lube. Harri would probably murder him.
Harri pulled his head back so she could brush her lips against his and drew him into a soft kiss. "The sleep I can help you with. I'll even get you dressed if you don't think you can handle it. I'll do anything you need me to, love. Anything... For the first time in my life I just want to look after someone I love."
"What are the chances of everything being back to normal when I wake up?" Marc asked, sounding exhausted.
"Depends on what you mean by normal," Harri replied as she stroked his cheek. She pushed Marc back down on the sofa and arranged them so they were lying down. She didn't much feel like carrying him to their bedroom. Harri wrapped her limbs around him and rest his head on her shoulder.
"I don't know what I mean by anything anymore. But I don't think it can get any worse," Marc mumbled, already closing his eyes and trying to switch off now he was with Harri. "This feels right though. Right's gotta beat normal."
"Normal's overrated anyway, didn't you hear? It's last year's black. This year's black is right. So yes, right beats normal." Harri wet her lips and pressed her lips against his forehead. "Can I just ask you one thing?"
Marc nodded against her shoulder. His eyes were closed but they felt like sand had been rubbed in them. He didn't even want to think about the rest of his body. "'Course," he murmured. "No more secrets."
"Do you really love me?" Harri asked quietly as she looked up at the ceiling. She kept her hand stroking down his arm in soothing motions and tried to keep her beathing even so he'd relax.
Marc had an unwavering sensation like someone stabbed him in the chest. He didn't blame her for doubting him, doubting what he had said to her. He deserved it. It didn't make it any easier to hear her ask, though. He stiffened beside her and opened his eyes again to stare at the back of the sofa. He didn't love easily, and said it to someone with even less ease. It hurt and hurt even more to know he had no right to hurt. "Do you want me to say no?" he asked blankly.
"No... I just... I'll be here for whatever you need as long as you want me here. As long as you need me here. I love you, but I can't do this without knowing that you feel the same. I'm strong, but I'm not that strong. I know it makes me sound horrible, but I just need to know. Then I can tell Aiden to suck it the fuck up, and deal with it because then I know that we're in this together." Harri nuzzled against his forehead and cupped his face with her hand. "I just want to protect you..."
"Aiden's putting his own feelings on the line to protect you. He isn't out of line feeling how he does. He probably just feels pretty useless right now. Trust me. I know how he feels." Marc let out a slow breath, closing his eyes again. "Why don't you believe that I meant it when I said it? It's something I never thought I would ever say to anyone again. It wasn't a whim or a flippant passing comment. I would never say it without meaning it. Ever."
"Because as much as I want to think I know you, I don't," Harri responded quietly. "And me asking is to do with me not having had it said to me in a very long time. Do you think it's something that's easy for me to say, either? It's not. I just keep saying it because I want to make sure you know... I did believe you. I do believe you. And I'm sorry."
Marc shook his head. "This won't work if you keep questioning me, Harri. It won't. If there is one thing I'm honest about, even if it's the only thing, it's my feelings. Unless I'm sure I know what I'm feeling, I keep them hidden. I've been too hurt to just lay my heart on the line without knowing it's worth risking again. I don't even know me right now and until I do, I can't know what I'm supposed to give you until it's here and it's happening. I need some time to figure out what the fuck is happening in my head. I hate myself, but I love you. I need to know that's enough right now."
Harri shifted down on the sofa so her eyes were level with Marc's. "It's enough."
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,625
To find the human inside
You know there's always something in there to see
[‘There’s Always Someone Cool Than You’ - Ben Folds]
Co-written with straight2point
[Follows THIS and THIS]
Marc beat Harri home, but only just. It gave him time to get out of his work clothes and have a long, piercing shower to try and compose himself for their talk. He was lacking so much sleep now that he was operating on auto-pilot. The only reason he was probably still eating was because he didn't want to land in hospital again. He washed all the hair dye out so his natural blond was back. The dark contacts were roughly discarded into the bin under the sink and he now stood in front of the mirror, towel wrapped around his waist, hair still dripping wet, and just looked at himself.
At James.
His eyes stung and he felt close to tears. He looked terrible. It wasn't James at all. It was a mere shadow of his former self. There was no healthy tan he usually had from being outside on the field, his blue eyes didn't even seem to be the same colour anymore. And he'd lost weight. It was easy to hide all that under the thick disguise of Marcus Fraser, but stripped of it all, his worst suspicions seemed to be confirmed.
He really had lost himself.
He shook his head and pulled his bathrobe on, tying it securely around his waist, and dropped the towel into the laundry hamper. His comb was pulled lethargically through his hair a couple of time for the pure sake he didn't want it to dry looking like a toothbrush and then went out into the living room area to wait for Harri. He didn't have to wait, though. She was already home, sitting on the edge of the sofa waiting for him, her hands nestled down in between her knees. Marc managed a tired smile as he came over to her. "Hey, babe," he greeted her quietly.
Harri looked up at him, and returned his smile as she held a hand out. "Hello, love." She wasn't sure what else to say. Between Marc's call, and her brief chat with Aiden online she wasn't really sure what to expect. Especially given mention of Marc's friend who was apparently dating Cameron. Her fingers linked with Marc's and she pulled him down on to the sofa beside her. "Even when you look exhausted, I still prefer you this way."
Everyone seemed to be singing from the same song sheet lately. He sat down beside her and gave her a kiss with a small nod. "Less work," he joked half-heartedly. "You look good. Are you feeling okay?" he asked her, hedging around the inevitable.
"Concerned, a little scared. Still incredibly horny, but I've learned to harness that power for my work. I promise I won't shove my hand under your robe while we have this conversation," Harri teased softly. Her blue eyes searched his face, and she wet her lips. "At least I've had a week off from morning sickness. I think our child might enjoy sushi. It's the only thing I can keep down besides all that Ben & Jerry's."
Marc hated seafood, but it wasn't what he wanted to lead the conversation with. Ben & Jerrys had always been off the menu too. He leaned forward and rubbed his fingers roughly over his cheek. His hand was shaking, a product of the anxiety he had let build on the flight home. "I've got some things I need to tell you, babe. I don't know how you're going to take them. But no more secrets. They're killing me. I'm going to end up in a closed ward if I don't just deal with this some how," he told her.
Harri touched his back, and frowned as she watched him. "You can tell me anything... James." She didn't often call him that, but she knew they were alone now. And she wanted him to feel safe. "Don't worry about how I'll deal with it. I'll be quiet until you're finished. I just don't want you to let whatever it is kill you. I've gotten used to you being around."
Marc had still been rubbing the side of his face, maybe in an effort to stay awake. But his hand stilled, his cheek resting in his palm as he blue eyes finally met her when he wet his lips. "Ali had an impromptu visitor on the weekend who came when I was there babysitting Jamie. There is absolutely no way I can dilute this, so I'm just going to say it. It was Izzy. My best friend... Ali's best friend... my wife. Ex wife..." He shrugged helplessly. "She came back from England and found me at Ali's place."
Harri's fingers curled over as she gripped the back of his bathrobe and she stared at him. "Is she the one seeing Cameron?" she asked quietly, already trying to put the pieces together. "Are you happy she's back? I can't imagine seeing you was easy... She thought you were still dead, right? It can't have been easy for you. Seems like there's no escaping who you were, love."
Marc gave a slight nod. His throat felt thick, so he swallowed to try and not let it choke him up. "I helped her get over to England to see him," he revealed numbly and the pent up tears were spilling over before he could stop them. "I didn't realise at that point that he was Pat's brother. I should have. I know. I fucked up. I slipped. It was a disaster. She and I were..." His voice dropped to barely a whisper. "Very close. I think we still are. We ran into Pat and Aiden when we got to the hospital. You can imagine how well Aiden took my unexpected presence."
Harri moved closer to him and pulled him into a hug as she wrapped her arms around him. As hard as this might have been for her to hear, it was harder seeing Marc so broken. Her heart felt like it was breaking for him. The only other person that made her feel like this was Aiden when he was upset. "I can imagine, yes. He probably didn't take it well that your friend was there." She kissed the top of his head and cleared her throat. "Close how?"
Marc exhaled sharply at the 'friend' reference. "He's not stupid. I think he put two and two together. I'm pretty confident Pat did, too, but when you stop and think about all the unintended cross-overs, it's enough to drive you crazy. I dragged Alex into it because I needed a doctor's knowledge. He has the shits with me now too. Pat was okay once he had proof Izzy had known Cameron personally, though it doesn't take a genius to see Pat's bordering on breaking down himself. He didn't need this on top of everything else." He stopped and looked her before his eyes fell closed and he shook his head a little. "I was tempted," he admitted in a whisper. "But nothing happened. It was just confusion and shock."
"And now he wants to kill you again because he thinks you're hurting me by default? I love him, but he needs to learn that I can take care of myself. Even if I understand why he's getting protective. You did a nice thing, for Cameron and for Izzy." Harri's voice almost caught on the name, but she got through it. "I've never shared men with another woman before, let alone two. Luckily I don't have the equipment to do any territorial pissing. Pat has Aiden to look after him... he's in good hands. I don't see how you've made anything worse for him." Harri pulled back a little, but her arms stayed around him. "Tempted? I see..."
Marc wrapped his arms around his stomach, for the first time wishing he could trade places with Cameron and he was obliviously unconscious to everything around him. "Don't joke about it. Please... don't joke about it," he said hoarsely, his fingers digging into his side. "Of course I've made things worse for him. I've made things worse for everyone. I never seem to do the right thing or make the right choice. Everyone is always angry at me or looking at me like I'm some completely self-centred bastard for just breathing. It's gone. I'm gone. What does the history matter? What does temptation matter? It's all fucking gone. You and Aiden are lucky. You're allowed to be unconditionally close without the risk of falling in love and it ruining everything!"
"If I can't make a joke, then what the fuck am I supposed to do? What do you want from me, love? Do you want me to get angry, because in case you haven't noticed I don't look at you like you're self-centered for breathing. And I'm not angry with you. History happens. Of course there was bound to be confusion and shock if you ever saw her again. Of course there'd be fucking temptation. I'm not an idiot. I haven't had the life I've had to be living in some naive world of make believe. Do you remember any of our conversations when we first tried to get started? Neither of us are perfect. We're just each other's kind of perfect. I couldn't give a fuck about any of this unless you're trying to tell me we're over." Harri stroked her fingers through his hair and kissed the side of his face. "You're lost, and I can't blame you. I just wish I knew how to bring you back, but I've only known you since you've been Marcus Fraser. Izzy knows you. Ali knows you. The real you... You need them. Who am I to stop you being with your friends? Even your best friend who was your wife. I'd be devastated if I lost Aiden. You lost Izzy... you should have her back."
Marc was nearing breaking point. Trying to have this point on no sleep was probably a bad idea, but it wouldn't wait. It had to be now. "I don't know what to do to make any of it better," he finally sobbed. "I don't know how to fix things. I don't know how to fix myself," he finally admitted, his hand wrapping around her arm so he could pull her into a hug.
Harri rest her head on his and felt a lump grow in her throat, and tears sting the backs of her eyes. "Maybe admitting that is the first step? Maybe you just need someone to talk to... James, I love you. No matter what, I do love you. I just need to make sure you undestand that, and I just wish I knew how to fix things. I also happen to think the first thing you need is sleep. You're exhausted, and there is probably going to be no easy fix."
"I've forgotten how to sleep too, and I sprayed hairspray under my arms instead of deoderant this morning," Marc admitted, muffled into her shoulder. He had gone beyond feeling like a dipstick now. At least he hadn't reached for antiseptic cream as lube. Harri would probably murder him.
Harri pulled his head back so she could brush her lips against his and drew him into a soft kiss. "The sleep I can help you with. I'll even get you dressed if you don't think you can handle it. I'll do anything you need me to, love. Anything... For the first time in my life I just want to look after someone I love."
"What are the chances of everything being back to normal when I wake up?" Marc asked, sounding exhausted.
"Depends on what you mean by normal," Harri replied as she stroked his cheek. She pushed Marc back down on the sofa and arranged them so they were lying down. She didn't much feel like carrying him to their bedroom. Harri wrapped her limbs around him and rest his head on her shoulder.
"I don't know what I mean by anything anymore. But I don't think it can get any worse," Marc mumbled, already closing his eyes and trying to switch off now he was with Harri. "This feels right though. Right's gotta beat normal."
"Normal's overrated anyway, didn't you hear? It's last year's black. This year's black is right. So yes, right beats normal." Harri wet her lips and pressed her lips against his forehead. "Can I just ask you one thing?"
Marc nodded against her shoulder. His eyes were closed but they felt like sand had been rubbed in them. He didn't even want to think about the rest of his body. "'Course," he murmured. "No more secrets."
"Do you really love me?" Harri asked quietly as she looked up at the ceiling. She kept her hand stroking down his arm in soothing motions and tried to keep her beathing even so he'd relax.
Marc had an unwavering sensation like someone stabbed him in the chest. He didn't blame her for doubting him, doubting what he had said to her. He deserved it. It didn't make it any easier to hear her ask, though. He stiffened beside her and opened his eyes again to stare at the back of the sofa. He didn't love easily, and said it to someone with even less ease. It hurt and hurt even more to know he had no right to hurt. "Do you want me to say no?" he asked blankly.
"No... I just... I'll be here for whatever you need as long as you want me here. As long as you need me here. I love you, but I can't do this without knowing that you feel the same. I'm strong, but I'm not that strong. I know it makes me sound horrible, but I just need to know. Then I can tell Aiden to suck it the fuck up, and deal with it because then I know that we're in this together." Harri nuzzled against his forehead and cupped his face with her hand. "I just want to protect you..."
"Aiden's putting his own feelings on the line to protect you. He isn't out of line feeling how he does. He probably just feels pretty useless right now. Trust me. I know how he feels." Marc let out a slow breath, closing his eyes again. "Why don't you believe that I meant it when I said it? It's something I never thought I would ever say to anyone again. It wasn't a whim or a flippant passing comment. I would never say it without meaning it. Ever."
"Because as much as I want to think I know you, I don't," Harri responded quietly. "And me asking is to do with me not having had it said to me in a very long time. Do you think it's something that's easy for me to say, either? It's not. I just keep saying it because I want to make sure you know... I did believe you. I do believe you. And I'm sorry."
Marc shook his head. "This won't work if you keep questioning me, Harri. It won't. If there is one thing I'm honest about, even if it's the only thing, it's my feelings. Unless I'm sure I know what I'm feeling, I keep them hidden. I've been too hurt to just lay my heart on the line without knowing it's worth risking again. I don't even know me right now and until I do, I can't know what I'm supposed to give you until it's here and it's happening. I need some time to figure out what the fuck is happening in my head. I hate myself, but I love you. I need to know that's enough right now."
Harri shifted down on the sofa so her eyes were level with Marc's. "It's enough."
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,625