just_muse_me | 18.2.3. All you need is love
18.2.3. All you need is love
Co-written with isabelowens
[Follows THIS, THIS and THIS]
Izzy had stayed with Cameron until he'd had to go into the passenger lounge. She wrapped her jacket tighter around her body as she made her way back through the airport. With Cameron gone she was left alone with thoughts of James and Ali. Ali she could face, even if she wanted to yell at the woman for keeping the fact that James was alive from her. Of all the secrets to keep... Hadn't Ali learned from before that secret keeping amongst them never ended well? And the fact that Campbell had been babysitting Jamie! That meant he'd been in their lives long enough for Ali to trust him again.
Iz pushed her fingers through her hair, green eyes practically glued to the floor as she ignored the crowd around her. Maybe it was unfair to think Cameron would have kept her from feeling lonely again. Distractions only worked for so long. Plus he had his twin to think about, and his career. The situation with Pat made her wonder if she should contact Laura, but she'd leave it. One angst-filled reunion at a time. The one with Campbell had more than filled that quota for the week.
She was jolted as she accidentally knocked her shoulder against someone and looked up to mumble an apology. Until she saw who it was. He still had that horrible dye in his hair, and his dark contacts. "You look like shit," she murmured.
Through the hungover haze, Marc still managed to gape at her. This wasn't actually helping his suspicions that she was a figment of his imagination or an hallucination. He didn't say anything at first and just stared at her. He still had almost a full bottle of vodka in his system somewhere. It was a miracle he wasn't comatose. He was dressed head to toe in black. Black suite, black silk shirt, long form-fitting black coat concealing his gun at his back, black brief case, black gloves, black aviator sunglasses sitting on top of his head. His hair was longer than usual and pulled back in a ponytail at the back of his head. Going to Zurich, he had to look the part. All the black was befitting his mood, really. "Thanks," he finally said numbly, eyes still on her face. "Likewise."
"Yeah, well, finding out your best friend and lover is back from the dead and saying goodbye to a kistmet lay will do that to you." Isabel looked him over again and sighed. Her own clothes were pretty simple now that she no longer had to dress for the Bureau; jeans, leather jacket, and a t-shirt underneath. Her hair fell loose around her shoulders. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be such a bitch. I'm just... confused."
Marc adjusted his grip on the briefcase and tried to straighten his tired posture a little. "I'm sorry," he told her. With all the emotion spinning around inside him, it didn't seem to be able to quite reach his voice which had taken a drained, flat tone. Kind of appropriate for the British accent he had to maintain in public. "I have no idea what I can say to even dilute some of the situation. I don't know... how to make it better," he told her with a helpless shake of his head.
"Neither do I," Izzy admitted. "I can't go back to how things were, no matter how much I wish it could just instantly be fixed. And no matter how much seeing you again makes my heart ache, and... stuff. I miss your blue eyes, though. But I get it. And that's why it sucks. I can't hate you for your job, can I? It's who you are now."
Marc just nodded, squinting a little as he looked up at the clock on the digital screens on the wall. "At least you aren't doing an Ali and threatening to stab my eyeballs out if I don't remove them," he told her with a small flicker of a smirk on his lips. "I've... I've become institutionalised, Iz. I thought I was okay with it all and then I saw Ali with the baby. It all started falling apart. I wasn't as... strong as I thought I could be to get through it. So I just became what they told me I needed to be. And then... stuff happened, things changed. I wanted to just be me again. Only, it's too late for that. I can be me sometimes, in private, away from anything to do with the investigation. But it's not really me because I was only ever me with all of you around me. You weren't supposed to come back," he told her, getting teary again. "I could just manage to stay sane when you weren't there."
Iz raised her right hand, the wedding band and emerald ring visible as she scratched at her forehead and tried to hide her own tears. "You weren't supposed to be alive. I'm sorry if I ruined your plan, but I wasn't aware of it. You shouldn't have to put yourself through this shit for a damn job, loser," she told him, careful not to use his name in public. "I thought I'd lost you, and I have. Besides, you have someone new. I shouldn't even be--there shouldn't be any feelings for you that aren't friendly, but fuck it! You were the one guy I wanted to stay for. Then you got taken away from me and I lost everything. It's never going to be the same."
Marc's head was pounding. It was like he was allergic to emotions all of a sudden because every time they got shaken up, he felt like he was going to explode. "Are you busy?" he asked her hoarsely. "I can get another flight. I can't say anything more here in public. I have agents watching me," he revealed. "I'm already going to get my arsehole torn from here to Iceland because they know who you are, so I may as well make the most of it. C-Can we go somewhere to talk?"
Isabel nodded. "Sure. There's a motel nearby if you really want private. I'm sorry if I got you in shit. I just... I'm so pissed off with you, but I've never been able to ignore you."
"It should be some slight comfort for you to know that I've totally fucked myself over in the process," Marc told her, meeting her gaze. He took his PDA from his pocket and in a few moments, his team were alerted to the fact he was signing off to a hotel to sleep off the hangover and he would take the morning flight to Zurich. He was aware of the other agents in the airport and could see them move from their posts in his peripheral vision. "I won't even make you pay for the hotel," he added and this time the smirk was more visible.
"There you are," Izzy said quietly as she saw the change in his expression. The corners of her mouth tugged up as she smiled a little. Even her green eyes didn't look as sad. "It's a little comfort, but I still want to slap you myself." She jerked her head for him to follow her, the walk out of the airport quicker now she had a purpose. Before she was just going to go back to her hotel room and mope. Maybe watch Zoolander.
The airport motel was nothing special, but it afforded them privacy. Izzy dropped her bag down and tried to ignore the matching curtains and bedspread. Iz stayed standing for the moment and turned to face James as she leaned back against the wall. "If you really want me to go away again, I will."
"Did I say I wanted you to go away?" Marc murmured. He set his briefcase down carefully. He started to unbutton his coat and slung it over the back of the armchair near the window. He only hesitated briefly before he went to the mirror and took the contacts out with a shrug. He turned to look at her and they just watched each other for a few moments. "I didn't ever want you to go away. But I always found myself waiting for you to run."
"You said it was easier when you didn't think I'd come back." Izzy's tears started to flow again as she saw his blue eyes. She'd spent years loving the man behind those blue eyes. "I wasn't ever going to run! I'd stuck by you since we met. I would have done anything for you, Campbell. I did do anything for you. When you were dead, I didn't have reason to stay. You were always my reason. You would have always been my reason."
It nearly broke him to see her tears. "I wanted to tell you," he said helplessly, moving closer to her and taking her hand into his. "Every fucking day, I wanted to tell you! But I couldn't. I was trying to fool myself into believing we were just partners, just best friends. And then all of a sudden we weren't and it threw me. I wasn't going to do it. Every time I looked at you, it broke my fucking heart! Vegas should never have happened, but it did and it changed everything! But I was so confused. I had them calling me daily, prepping me to transition and I just went along with it all. And then seeing that ultrasound photo..." He stopped, shaking his head as he started to cry again himself. "I thought it was a sign for me to stay."
She raised her other hand to hold the side of his face and used her thumb to brush away his tears. "And then you found out it was Ali's and not mine... I'm sorry I wasn't enough, and I'm sorry you had to battle with that decision and you couldn't tell me... and I'm sorry I ever tried to make us more than you wanted. I just... I was in love with you, James."
Marc squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head. "No... no... don't apologise. I can't take it! It's my fault, not yours! From day one, I was deceitful. You were never supposed to get under my skin! You were supposed to help me get confidence back in my work after David and that was it, but it never stopped there. It was never going to stop there!" He searched her eyes and then without stopping to think, breached the gap between them and kissed her. He kissed her like he had dreamed about night after night since he left, and thought he would never feel again. His fingers tangled into her long hair and the force of it had them up against the wall. Just like old times.
Iz kissed him back, both hands cupping his face as she gave into the temptation that had been hovering at the back of her mind since she saw him. And tried to convey everything she'd felt since he'd been gone. It would be so easy to take this further, to make this a proper reunion but she couldn't. If they started anything, it would rip her apart if he disappeared again. Plus there was the whole issue regarding his dating someone already. This kiss couldn't last, but it did. It went on longer than Izzy had planned. Campbell was always always going to be addictive.
He wanted her. He wanted her so badly and he knew it was wrong, but he couldn't stop the kiss when he should have. There had always been UST between them. Had always been insatiable passion. It was still there, on some level. The connection was still there, at the least. A connection that would probably never go. Not even when she thought he had been dead had it gone. It was just hidden somewhere. But his conscience stepped in and he pulled out of the kiss, panting in an attempt to regain his breath. He cupped her face in his hands, closing his eyes as he rest his forehead against hers. "Fuck..." he whispered.
"As in something we really shouldn't do right now." Iz watched him quietly as she stroked his cheek. "I love you, Campbell. I always will. I just can't be in love with you. It hurts too fucking much. I can't take it."
Marc pulled her into a tight hug, worrying he wouldn't ever want to let her go. He just held her. They probably both needed it. "I love you, too," he told her quietly, rubbing her back. "If things were different. If they hadn't changed so much... but, you know, kismet lays. Something's gotta be okay for you there," he said hopefully.
"And you dating... You need someone that makes you happy. She makes you happy, right? If it's even a she. Please tell me she makes you happy," Iz pleaded as she wrapped her arms around him. "My kismet lay was exactly what I needed. He's gone back to England, so who knows what will happen now. He says he'll call me."
Marc still didn't break the hug just yet. He couldn't. It was like just having her here and not hating him was helping something slot into the right places in his mind after months of not knowing who he was. No matter what happened, on whatever level, he just knew he had to have her in his life. He needed her, just like he needed Ali. That's what had been missing to keep him sane, and he could see that now. "I'll kick his fucking arse if he doesn't call you," he promised.
But he did have to finally pull back, because he needed to see her eyes. His hands stayed wrapped around her arms, his thumbs rubbing affectionately against them. "She's starting to make me happy," he admitted. "It's not been easy. My mindset has made it hard, which is really unfair to her. I've had to keep a lot from her until she signed those god-fucking-awful privacy orders. Now that she has, I just haven't been able to sit down and freely talk to her. I told you, Iz. I've been fucked up like you wouldn't believe. There are always all these secrets. From everybody. It didn't help that the person I'm supposed to be now is a high flyer in the New York socialite circle. Oddly enough, my partner is a paediatrician in Princeton, yet we're supposed to be partners in this investigation." He stopped to take a breath. "I... we just found out she's pregnant, and I haven't even been able to cope with that how I should."
Isabel had been fine up until James mentioned his girlfriend was pregnant. Then that same awful feeling from back in his--Ali's--apartment washed over her and the light in her green eyes died as she struggled to keep her face impassive. She wanted him to be happy, and she wanted him to have someone that was good to him. She just never expected to hear he'd knocked someone up. Why was he able to move on while she hadn't? It wasn't until Cameron that she had felt ready, and now he was back in England so she was in limbo again.
"Oh," she said finally. "Good. That's... I'm really happy for you." Her expression said otherwise, but she did manage a smile. "You still haven't told me your name now. I don't want to get into shit for still calling you James. I would never interfere in your investigation if I could help it. It's good you got someone to finally share your secrets with. You should be happy. It's all I've ever wanted for you."
Marc looked down and closed his eyes briefly. "I know what you're thinking," he told her quietly. "And it's not like you think. With Harri, it was just sex. It was just sex for so long. And I know it's a cop out, but I only began to sleep with her because the person I'm supposed to be now is the epitome of a male slut. Harri and I are far from a happy family situation, but we're trying to find some happy medium. The relationship committment thing is foreign to us both. But yeah, I deserve you to be thinking the things about me that you are right now, even if they are inaccurate."
He swallowed and moved away from her again, his posture slumped from the heaviness of the situation again. He pulled one of his business cards from his jacket pocket and handed it to her. He couldn't say his 'name'. It didn't feel right to say it to her.
Iz took the card, but didn't look at it straight away while she watched him. "You should let yourself be happy, Campbell. Don't ruin a good thing, because if you disappear she's going to be just as full of what ifs and regrets as I was. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You should also give yourself a chance to allow for the fact that you are going to be a father. Even if work is going to keep you busy, you'll still want to be there for whatever you can. Don't let it go until you suddenly look up to find your kid's twenty." She let out a slow breath as she pushed her fingers through her hair and looked down at the card. She just wanted to make it better for him when he had that look of defeat. And for a while, making it better involved lots of things friends shouldn't do. She wasn't even sure they were friends right now. Even if she still loved him, she had no idea. "Marcus Fraser? I've fucking read about you in one of the English papers... Shit."
"I am trying," Marc insisted helplessly. He sat down on the bed and push his hands through his hair. "Do you have any idea what it's like to be someone on the inside, someone you've always been, but know you really can't be that person ever again? To know you've lost your whole family and all the people most important in your whole life, and probably won't ever get them back? To have to be countless different other people in a week in numerous different countries? To be so fucking lonely you can't shake that ache in your chest and then to just want to try and do something right for a change, only, every time you try, you keep fucking everyone around you over? But I'm trying. And you know the the hardest part? Trying to love her when I still love you," he finally said, the words cutting off abruptly when his voice broke.
He stared at the card in her hand and shrugged. "He... I... get around."
Her face crumpled at his words and Izzy covered her face to hide it in her hands. Sometimes, on the really lonely nights she had imagined a scenario similar to this one. Campbell wasn't really dead, and he'd come back to find her. Only it wasn't as soul destroying as the real reunion had been. "I still love you, too... I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how to help you. I don't want to be in your way."
Tears dripped slowly down his cheeks as he shook his head a little. "You could never be in my way. I've spent this past year wanting you at my side, no matter what. And that hasn't changed, Iz. I don't think it ever will. Maybe too much has happened, and too much has changed, for things to be romantic between us, but I want back what we used to have before we slept together. I miss you. I miss you so much it makes me physically sick. And my situation now... I-I know hearing about that is hurting you and tearing you apart right now, but did we ever really work romantically? We just kept hurting each other. Maybe we loved each other too much and too deeply to work in a relationship. I still want you in my life, Iz. I never thought I'd have a second chance."
Izzy moved over to him, and wrapped her arms around him as she sat on the bed. "Oh, James... I hated losing my best friend and partner. It's not even that you're like a brother to me. Besides the fact that we did have sex and that would just make it sick. I just mean... you're right. We do love each other too much and too deeply. I don't even know what to call us. You are my best friend, and you always will be. I've missed you so fucking much, and just felt so goddamn empty. I didn't know what to do with myself. I just wanted you back. I want it to be just like it was, too. And maybe it will be now we've talked about it."
Marc rested her head against hers and sighed softly. "I'm buggered," he said with a small, tired laugh. "And hungover. What else is new, huh? Now I've got to fly to Zurich to try and trick a businessman into admitting to me over Black Russians that he has a bit of a coke problem to see if it will give me a lead. At least I get to fly first class. What happens now? Are you staying in New York or..." He trailed off, waving his hand. "I wouldn't blame you if you went back to England. But... I know Ali needs you too. She's had a bad time. She got diagnosed with post-natal depression and a few weeks back, her other half got pushed down some stairs on the job. Maybe we all need each other?"
"We had each other until you died," Iz couldn't help but retort before she winced and raised her hand to stroke his cheek in apology. "Sorry, the anger's still a little fresh. I need to go and see Ali. I know she might need me, but I have to see for myself what she's like. You being back from the dead really did make me want to bolt back to England, but I'll stay. At least for now. I just need some time to get used to the fact that you're really here. Only... with differences. You know you're good at what you do. Don't ever forget that. There's no shame in wanting a life of your own though, Campbell. There never was. Don't forget to let your girlfriend make you happy."
"She's Ali. She hasn't changed. She's just broken, like we all are. She just scored with her paramedic. He's really great for her." Marc scratched his head a little, still watching her like he couldn't believe he was sitting in the same room as her. "You're not with the Bureau anymore. What do you do to keep yourself busy? My life is... I don't know. I need to try and find out what is is now. I was starting to wonder if I even have the capacity to be happy anymore. It's easy to forget how to be."
She shifted to put her hands in her lap as she smiled a little. "Maybe having each other back will help fix us. Or just make us comfortable enough to let someone else help us. I don't know. All we can do is try. I'm an art supplies store owner. Even show my own paintings occasionally. I just needed to get as far away from the Bureau as possible. I couldn't be there without you... I couldn't be in this city without you either. You were just too much a part of everything."
Marc nodded, his blue eyes intent on her. "I'm so sorry. For everything. I'll never make it up to you, I know. But I really want to try," he told her in a whisper, wrapping his arms around her again in a tight hug.
Her hands rubbed up and down his back and Iz turned her head to kiss his cheek. "I'm already starting to think of ways you can make it up to me." The tone in her voice was just like old times, already conveying the evil ideas she had in mind.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 4,065
Co-written with isabelowens
[Follows THIS, THIS and THIS]
Izzy had stayed with Cameron until he'd had to go into the passenger lounge. She wrapped her jacket tighter around her body as she made her way back through the airport. With Cameron gone she was left alone with thoughts of James and Ali. Ali she could face, even if she wanted to yell at the woman for keeping the fact that James was alive from her. Of all the secrets to keep... Hadn't Ali learned from before that secret keeping amongst them never ended well? And the fact that Campbell had been babysitting Jamie! That meant he'd been in their lives long enough for Ali to trust him again.
Iz pushed her fingers through her hair, green eyes practically glued to the floor as she ignored the crowd around her. Maybe it was unfair to think Cameron would have kept her from feeling lonely again. Distractions only worked for so long. Plus he had his twin to think about, and his career. The situation with Pat made her wonder if she should contact Laura, but she'd leave it. One angst-filled reunion at a time. The one with Campbell had more than filled that quota for the week.
She was jolted as she accidentally knocked her shoulder against someone and looked up to mumble an apology. Until she saw who it was. He still had that horrible dye in his hair, and his dark contacts. "You look like shit," she murmured.
Through the hungover haze, Marc still managed to gape at her. This wasn't actually helping his suspicions that she was a figment of his imagination or an hallucination. He didn't say anything at first and just stared at her. He still had almost a full bottle of vodka in his system somewhere. It was a miracle he wasn't comatose. He was dressed head to toe in black. Black suite, black silk shirt, long form-fitting black coat concealing his gun at his back, black brief case, black gloves, black aviator sunglasses sitting on top of his head. His hair was longer than usual and pulled back in a ponytail at the back of his head. Going to Zurich, he had to look the part. All the black was befitting his mood, really. "Thanks," he finally said numbly, eyes still on her face. "Likewise."
"Yeah, well, finding out your best friend and lover is back from the dead and saying goodbye to a kistmet lay will do that to you." Isabel looked him over again and sighed. Her own clothes were pretty simple now that she no longer had to dress for the Bureau; jeans, leather jacket, and a t-shirt underneath. Her hair fell loose around her shoulders. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be such a bitch. I'm just... confused."
Marc adjusted his grip on the briefcase and tried to straighten his tired posture a little. "I'm sorry," he told her. With all the emotion spinning around inside him, it didn't seem to be able to quite reach his voice which had taken a drained, flat tone. Kind of appropriate for the British accent he had to maintain in public. "I have no idea what I can say to even dilute some of the situation. I don't know... how to make it better," he told her with a helpless shake of his head.
"Neither do I," Izzy admitted. "I can't go back to how things were, no matter how much I wish it could just instantly be fixed. And no matter how much seeing you again makes my heart ache, and... stuff. I miss your blue eyes, though. But I get it. And that's why it sucks. I can't hate you for your job, can I? It's who you are now."
Marc just nodded, squinting a little as he looked up at the clock on the digital screens on the wall. "At least you aren't doing an Ali and threatening to stab my eyeballs out if I don't remove them," he told her with a small flicker of a smirk on his lips. "I've... I've become institutionalised, Iz. I thought I was okay with it all and then I saw Ali with the baby. It all started falling apart. I wasn't as... strong as I thought I could be to get through it. So I just became what they told me I needed to be. And then... stuff happened, things changed. I wanted to just be me again. Only, it's too late for that. I can be me sometimes, in private, away from anything to do with the investigation. But it's not really me because I was only ever me with all of you around me. You weren't supposed to come back," he told her, getting teary again. "I could just manage to stay sane when you weren't there."
Iz raised her right hand, the wedding band and emerald ring visible as she scratched at her forehead and tried to hide her own tears. "You weren't supposed to be alive. I'm sorry if I ruined your plan, but I wasn't aware of it. You shouldn't have to put yourself through this shit for a damn job, loser," she told him, careful not to use his name in public. "I thought I'd lost you, and I have. Besides, you have someone new. I shouldn't even be--there shouldn't be any feelings for you that aren't friendly, but fuck it! You were the one guy I wanted to stay for. Then you got taken away from me and I lost everything. It's never going to be the same."
Marc's head was pounding. It was like he was allergic to emotions all of a sudden because every time they got shaken up, he felt like he was going to explode. "Are you busy?" he asked her hoarsely. "I can get another flight. I can't say anything more here in public. I have agents watching me," he revealed. "I'm already going to get my arsehole torn from here to Iceland because they know who you are, so I may as well make the most of it. C-Can we go somewhere to talk?"
Isabel nodded. "Sure. There's a motel nearby if you really want private. I'm sorry if I got you in shit. I just... I'm so pissed off with you, but I've never been able to ignore you."
"It should be some slight comfort for you to know that I've totally fucked myself over in the process," Marc told her, meeting her gaze. He took his PDA from his pocket and in a few moments, his team were alerted to the fact he was signing off to a hotel to sleep off the hangover and he would take the morning flight to Zurich. He was aware of the other agents in the airport and could see them move from their posts in his peripheral vision. "I won't even make you pay for the hotel," he added and this time the smirk was more visible.
"There you are," Izzy said quietly as she saw the change in his expression. The corners of her mouth tugged up as she smiled a little. Even her green eyes didn't look as sad. "It's a little comfort, but I still want to slap you myself." She jerked her head for him to follow her, the walk out of the airport quicker now she had a purpose. Before she was just going to go back to her hotel room and mope. Maybe watch Zoolander.
The airport motel was nothing special, but it afforded them privacy. Izzy dropped her bag down and tried to ignore the matching curtains and bedspread. Iz stayed standing for the moment and turned to face James as she leaned back against the wall. "If you really want me to go away again, I will."
"Did I say I wanted you to go away?" Marc murmured. He set his briefcase down carefully. He started to unbutton his coat and slung it over the back of the armchair near the window. He only hesitated briefly before he went to the mirror and took the contacts out with a shrug. He turned to look at her and they just watched each other for a few moments. "I didn't ever want you to go away. But I always found myself waiting for you to run."
"You said it was easier when you didn't think I'd come back." Izzy's tears started to flow again as she saw his blue eyes. She'd spent years loving the man behind those blue eyes. "I wasn't ever going to run! I'd stuck by you since we met. I would have done anything for you, Campbell. I did do anything for you. When you were dead, I didn't have reason to stay. You were always my reason. You would have always been my reason."
It nearly broke him to see her tears. "I wanted to tell you," he said helplessly, moving closer to her and taking her hand into his. "Every fucking day, I wanted to tell you! But I couldn't. I was trying to fool myself into believing we were just partners, just best friends. And then all of a sudden we weren't and it threw me. I wasn't going to do it. Every time I looked at you, it broke my fucking heart! Vegas should never have happened, but it did and it changed everything! But I was so confused. I had them calling me daily, prepping me to transition and I just went along with it all. And then seeing that ultrasound photo..." He stopped, shaking his head as he started to cry again himself. "I thought it was a sign for me to stay."
She raised her other hand to hold the side of his face and used her thumb to brush away his tears. "And then you found out it was Ali's and not mine... I'm sorry I wasn't enough, and I'm sorry you had to battle with that decision and you couldn't tell me... and I'm sorry I ever tried to make us more than you wanted. I just... I was in love with you, James."
Marc squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head. "No... no... don't apologise. I can't take it! It's my fault, not yours! From day one, I was deceitful. You were never supposed to get under my skin! You were supposed to help me get confidence back in my work after David and that was it, but it never stopped there. It was never going to stop there!" He searched her eyes and then without stopping to think, breached the gap between them and kissed her. He kissed her like he had dreamed about night after night since he left, and thought he would never feel again. His fingers tangled into her long hair and the force of it had them up against the wall. Just like old times.
Iz kissed him back, both hands cupping his face as she gave into the temptation that had been hovering at the back of her mind since she saw him. And tried to convey everything she'd felt since he'd been gone. It would be so easy to take this further, to make this a proper reunion but she couldn't. If they started anything, it would rip her apart if he disappeared again. Plus there was the whole issue regarding his dating someone already. This kiss couldn't last, but it did. It went on longer than Izzy had planned. Campbell was always always going to be addictive.
He wanted her. He wanted her so badly and he knew it was wrong, but he couldn't stop the kiss when he should have. There had always been UST between them. Had always been insatiable passion. It was still there, on some level. The connection was still there, at the least. A connection that would probably never go. Not even when she thought he had been dead had it gone. It was just hidden somewhere. But his conscience stepped in and he pulled out of the kiss, panting in an attempt to regain his breath. He cupped her face in his hands, closing his eyes as he rest his forehead against hers. "Fuck..." he whispered.
"As in something we really shouldn't do right now." Iz watched him quietly as she stroked his cheek. "I love you, Campbell. I always will. I just can't be in love with you. It hurts too fucking much. I can't take it."
Marc pulled her into a tight hug, worrying he wouldn't ever want to let her go. He just held her. They probably both needed it. "I love you, too," he told her quietly, rubbing her back. "If things were different. If they hadn't changed so much... but, you know, kismet lays. Something's gotta be okay for you there," he said hopefully.
"And you dating... You need someone that makes you happy. She makes you happy, right? If it's even a she. Please tell me she makes you happy," Iz pleaded as she wrapped her arms around him. "My kismet lay was exactly what I needed. He's gone back to England, so who knows what will happen now. He says he'll call me."
Marc still didn't break the hug just yet. He couldn't. It was like just having her here and not hating him was helping something slot into the right places in his mind after months of not knowing who he was. No matter what happened, on whatever level, he just knew he had to have her in his life. He needed her, just like he needed Ali. That's what had been missing to keep him sane, and he could see that now. "I'll kick his fucking arse if he doesn't call you," he promised.
But he did have to finally pull back, because he needed to see her eyes. His hands stayed wrapped around her arms, his thumbs rubbing affectionately against them. "She's starting to make me happy," he admitted. "It's not been easy. My mindset has made it hard, which is really unfair to her. I've had to keep a lot from her until she signed those god-fucking-awful privacy orders. Now that she has, I just haven't been able to sit down and freely talk to her. I told you, Iz. I've been fucked up like you wouldn't believe. There are always all these secrets. From everybody. It didn't help that the person I'm supposed to be now is a high flyer in the New York socialite circle. Oddly enough, my partner is a paediatrician in Princeton, yet we're supposed to be partners in this investigation." He stopped to take a breath. "I... we just found out she's pregnant, and I haven't even been able to cope with that how I should."
Isabel had been fine up until James mentioned his girlfriend was pregnant. Then that same awful feeling from back in his--Ali's--apartment washed over her and the light in her green eyes died as she struggled to keep her face impassive. She wanted him to be happy, and she wanted him to have someone that was good to him. She just never expected to hear he'd knocked someone up. Why was he able to move on while she hadn't? It wasn't until Cameron that she had felt ready, and now he was back in England so she was in limbo again.
"Oh," she said finally. "Good. That's... I'm really happy for you." Her expression said otherwise, but she did manage a smile. "You still haven't told me your name now. I don't want to get into shit for still calling you James. I would never interfere in your investigation if I could help it. It's good you got someone to finally share your secrets with. You should be happy. It's all I've ever wanted for you."
Marc looked down and closed his eyes briefly. "I know what you're thinking," he told her quietly. "And it's not like you think. With Harri, it was just sex. It was just sex for so long. And I know it's a cop out, but I only began to sleep with her because the person I'm supposed to be now is the epitome of a male slut. Harri and I are far from a happy family situation, but we're trying to find some happy medium. The relationship committment thing is foreign to us both. But yeah, I deserve you to be thinking the things about me that you are right now, even if they are inaccurate."
He swallowed and moved away from her again, his posture slumped from the heaviness of the situation again. He pulled one of his business cards from his jacket pocket and handed it to her. He couldn't say his 'name'. It didn't feel right to say it to her.
Iz took the card, but didn't look at it straight away while she watched him. "You should let yourself be happy, Campbell. Don't ruin a good thing, because if you disappear she's going to be just as full of what ifs and regrets as I was. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You should also give yourself a chance to allow for the fact that you are going to be a father. Even if work is going to keep you busy, you'll still want to be there for whatever you can. Don't let it go until you suddenly look up to find your kid's twenty." She let out a slow breath as she pushed her fingers through her hair and looked down at the card. She just wanted to make it better for him when he had that look of defeat. And for a while, making it better involved lots of things friends shouldn't do. She wasn't even sure they were friends right now. Even if she still loved him, she had no idea. "Marcus Fraser? I've fucking read about you in one of the English papers... Shit."
"I am trying," Marc insisted helplessly. He sat down on the bed and push his hands through his hair. "Do you have any idea what it's like to be someone on the inside, someone you've always been, but know you really can't be that person ever again? To know you've lost your whole family and all the people most important in your whole life, and probably won't ever get them back? To have to be countless different other people in a week in numerous different countries? To be so fucking lonely you can't shake that ache in your chest and then to just want to try and do something right for a change, only, every time you try, you keep fucking everyone around you over? But I'm trying. And you know the the hardest part? Trying to love her when I still love you," he finally said, the words cutting off abruptly when his voice broke.
He stared at the card in her hand and shrugged. "He... I... get around."
Her face crumpled at his words and Izzy covered her face to hide it in her hands. Sometimes, on the really lonely nights she had imagined a scenario similar to this one. Campbell wasn't really dead, and he'd come back to find her. Only it wasn't as soul destroying as the real reunion had been. "I still love you, too... I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how to help you. I don't want to be in your way."
Tears dripped slowly down his cheeks as he shook his head a little. "You could never be in my way. I've spent this past year wanting you at my side, no matter what. And that hasn't changed, Iz. I don't think it ever will. Maybe too much has happened, and too much has changed, for things to be romantic between us, but I want back what we used to have before we slept together. I miss you. I miss you so much it makes me physically sick. And my situation now... I-I know hearing about that is hurting you and tearing you apart right now, but did we ever really work romantically? We just kept hurting each other. Maybe we loved each other too much and too deeply to work in a relationship. I still want you in my life, Iz. I never thought I'd have a second chance."
Izzy moved over to him, and wrapped her arms around him as she sat on the bed. "Oh, James... I hated losing my best friend and partner. It's not even that you're like a brother to me. Besides the fact that we did have sex and that would just make it sick. I just mean... you're right. We do love each other too much and too deeply. I don't even know what to call us. You are my best friend, and you always will be. I've missed you so fucking much, and just felt so goddamn empty. I didn't know what to do with myself. I just wanted you back. I want it to be just like it was, too. And maybe it will be now we've talked about it."
Marc rested her head against hers and sighed softly. "I'm buggered," he said with a small, tired laugh. "And hungover. What else is new, huh? Now I've got to fly to Zurich to try and trick a businessman into admitting to me over Black Russians that he has a bit of a coke problem to see if it will give me a lead. At least I get to fly first class. What happens now? Are you staying in New York or..." He trailed off, waving his hand. "I wouldn't blame you if you went back to England. But... I know Ali needs you too. She's had a bad time. She got diagnosed with post-natal depression and a few weeks back, her other half got pushed down some stairs on the job. Maybe we all need each other?"
"We had each other until you died," Iz couldn't help but retort before she winced and raised her hand to stroke his cheek in apology. "Sorry, the anger's still a little fresh. I need to go and see Ali. I know she might need me, but I have to see for myself what she's like. You being back from the dead really did make me want to bolt back to England, but I'll stay. At least for now. I just need some time to get used to the fact that you're really here. Only... with differences. You know you're good at what you do. Don't ever forget that. There's no shame in wanting a life of your own though, Campbell. There never was. Don't forget to let your girlfriend make you happy."
"She's Ali. She hasn't changed. She's just broken, like we all are. She just scored with her paramedic. He's really great for her." Marc scratched his head a little, still watching her like he couldn't believe he was sitting in the same room as her. "You're not with the Bureau anymore. What do you do to keep yourself busy? My life is... I don't know. I need to try and find out what is is now. I was starting to wonder if I even have the capacity to be happy anymore. It's easy to forget how to be."
She shifted to put her hands in her lap as she smiled a little. "Maybe having each other back will help fix us. Or just make us comfortable enough to let someone else help us. I don't know. All we can do is try. I'm an art supplies store owner. Even show my own paintings occasionally. I just needed to get as far away from the Bureau as possible. I couldn't be there without you... I couldn't be in this city without you either. You were just too much a part of everything."
Marc nodded, his blue eyes intent on her. "I'm so sorry. For everything. I'll never make it up to you, I know. But I really want to try," he told her in a whisper, wrapping his arms around her again in a tight hug.
Her hands rubbed up and down his back and Iz turned her head to kiss his cheek. "I'm already starting to think of ways you can make it up to me." The tone in her voice was just like old times, already conveying the evil ideas she had in mind.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 4,065